Adult Survivors of Abuse

Adult survivors of abuse

If you are an adult who was abused as a child it is possible that you may have never spoken to anyone about this. Many adults keep this a secret well into their adult life and many find that the effect upon them has had devastating consequences not only throughout their childhood but also in their adult life. You may find that you have enormous difficulty in maintaining loving and trusting relationships, you may have low sense of worth and low self esteem, you may suffer from sexual difficulties and depression. In order to try and block out the abuse and to cope you may be drinking heavily, taking drugs, self harming, suffering from eating disorders and may feel suicidal.

It is important to share the way you are feeling with someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you to listen and give you support. Talking about what has happened to you can make an enormous difference and can feel like a great weight being lifted from you.

You may have been abused by a member of your family and that if you have disclosed the abuse that your family members have closed ranks and may have accused you of making it up. It can be easier to blame the survivor than face the fact that someone within the family has abused you. This can make you feel even more isolated and alone.

You may be feeling guilty as this is a very common feeling for survivors to have. You may feel guilty or bad because you didn't say no or do anything to stop the abuse. You did what you had to do to survive and get through it. Some children are looking for love and affection, not to be abused. Nobody asks to be abused. The guilt, badness and shame is always on the head of the abuser - don't take it onto your shoulders.

Many survivors experience nightmares and you may find it helps to write down the nightmare. This helps to get the feelings out instead of keeping them inside you. Many survivors find that writing about their abuse is therapeutic and some survivors may express their feelings through poetry, art, letters, and you may find that talking through what happened through counselling does lead to a reduction in nightmares and flashbacks. Tell yourself that it is only a nightmare, nobody can hurt you now, you are safe, the past cannot hurt you now.

You may feel a general feeling of being unsafe in the world and that everyone out there is going to hurt you. In relation to the abuse and how they think about the abuse it is common for a survivor to be stuck in thinking with their 'child head'. Try and recognise this and when you have feelings of being unsafe, frightened try and tell yourself that you are just thinking with your 'child head' and need to think with your 'adult head' now. As an adult you recognise you are safe, your house is locked, nobody can get in, there are good people in the world and not just people who hurt others, there are people in the world who you can trust, not everyone out there will betray your trust etc. Recognise that what happened was a long time ago and in order to move on you need to start thinking with your 'adult head'.

Flashbacks are common for survivors to experience and these can be triggered off by anything which may remind you of the abuse. When you have a flashback it can seem so real that you actually can feel you are back in the past and the abuse is actually taking place. It is important to remind yourself that you are now an adult and not a child and nobody is hurting you now, you are safe, try and take slow deep breadths and this will help you to feel less anxious and panicky. To bring yourself back into the present there are things which help like stamping your feet on the ground, clapping your hands, look at the room you are in, listen to the sounds you can hear, remind yourself that you are an adult and safe.

Anger is another very common feeling and that anger may have been inside you for a long time. It will help to find a safe way of expressing that anger.

Some people find it helps to write a letter to the person who abused them, saying exactly how they felt about what happened to them and how the abuse has affected their life - you do not have to send the letter (unless you want to and some survivors do and finds this helps) - you can either keep it in a drawer and take it out and read it when you find that anger is building up inside you until you are ready to get rid of that anger and throw the letter away - which means you are no longer holding on to the anger but ready to let it go and not let it affect you for the rest of your life.

Other people may find that pummelling pillows can help get out their anger, ripping up paper, taking up self defence, keep fit, dancing, and talking - letting the anger out is important. You don't need to turn the anger onto yourself - you have done nothing wrong - you need to start taking care of yourself - a person who has been abused needs all the love and support in the world.

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posted by Robert Heard at 11:11 AM