Interest in sex

Levin wrote:
Dear husbands and wives,

This is my first posting to this group, and my topic is probably one
that has been covered ad nauseam in this group.

My situation is the same! If you haven't read my post, my husband has
LD and is possibly hooked on porn as a way to keep interested in sex.

I'm not really

expecting anyone to give me a solution to the problem (though I'm all
ears if you think you might have one), but I would be grateful to hear
about others' experiences, especially from those who have been married
for a long time. I've been married only for two years, and very
happily, but I am getting worried and extremely frustrated about my
wife's decreasing interest in sex. I would never have dreamed that sex
would become the issue in this relationship, much less that this would
happen so soon.

For me this was the worst part too, the shock. It really took me by
surprise and makes me question myself much more. When sex stops being
they way it used to, *I* think it's only normal that we get a little
paranoid. It's all tied to our emotions and ego, of course we get
upset!

> We met 2.5 years ago, fell madly in love and decided to get married
> very quickly. We are both around 30. Intellectually we are on a very
> similar plane, we talk and joke a lot; we are fascinated about each
> other's work; we have ample time to do things like hike, go out, see
> performances, cook together, etc. etc; we touch each other a lot; we
> are close to each other's families. All in all, I consider us very
> lucky.

You are! I wish I had the kind of connection you two have! We are only
married a year, so I hope that one day my marriage will be as you
describe!

At the beginning of our relationship, the sex was wonderful -

> wild, uninhibited, experimental, and frequent. Her interest has very
> steadily decreased, and nowadays we make love once or twice a month.
> For me the ideal frequency would be around 5 times a week, though at
> the point when we had sex only twice a week I wasn't yet at all worried
> or frustrated. It is hard to try anything new when sex is such a
> rarity, and because she doesn't like it being initiated verbally.
> Sometimes we do fall into a less-than-fully-satisfying routine, which
> wouldn't be such a big deal in a relationship where love-making is more
> regular, but is quite frustrating when that one time is supposed to be
> the oasis in the middle of a desert.

Amen! If you are waiting and waiting and then the little sex you do get
falls flat, it really crushes your spirit! I can attest to this! I've
gotten to the point where I really regret making a move because if my
husband's not into it he can barely perform and the sex is all about
him, i.e. trying to get things "going" for him. It's very frustrating
because he used to need so little in that department, now it's our main
focus. I feel your pain that's for sure.

> I fear that marital sex isn't enough for her, though she would strongly
> disagree with such a claim. But the truth is that most of her adult
> Life has been all about sex; in her wild polygamic youth she had so
> many partners that she has lost count, and has tried everything from
> other girls to group sex. Her curiosity and intense sexual desire were
> very evident during the initial period of our relationship.

Same thing happened with us. He was always starting sex with me, I in
fact had to run him off at times if I wasn't up to it. If I could only
have those squandered offerings back... sorry for the mellow drama.

I'm quite

> sure that I've been relatively successful in not pressuring her, but
> this has also lead to me not communicating my frustration to her in
> almost any way. I feel that talking to her about it won't make things
> better - she will just feel pressured and inadequate, and will
> obviously not want me more just because I ask her to.

Learn from my mistakes, and don't talk about it too much! I'm trying to
become an observer. Watch her more and see if she's sends signals that
you haven't had to pick up on before. When my sex life with my husband
was in over drive, I never really had to *look* for anything, it just
was there for the taking. It caused me to be left at a loss when things
changed between us. I'm trying to remove my ego and hurt feelings from
the situation (though I have shed many a private tear about it) and I'm
trying to be a bit more level headed about it. If you are like me and
have a spouse that you are very attracted to it's very hard to think
about anything else! I'm hoping in time we'll get back in sync.

Sometimes she

> feels the need to offer explanations, and while I'm sure she believes
> her own reasons, they are certainly not at the core of the problem.
> Initially she said that it is all due to her work, which is physically
> demanding, and which simultaneously exhausts her and gives her a sense
> of physical satisfaction. At some point, she said that the subconscious
> expectation of regular marital sex turns her off, or that our constant
> proximity turns her off, or just plain everyday stress turns her off.
> The truth of the matter is that even when we avoid proximity by
> sleeping in separate beds, or after spending time apart in different
> countries, or when we are on vacation, and or she is taking a break
> from her work, there doesn't seem to be a difference in her desire.
> Her last explanation was: "I think I'm just not a very sexual person."

My husband tried this one on me too. I don't believe him or your wife.
I think it's much easier to just say that then work on it. If sex has
never been work (it never HAD been between us before) I think it feels
bad at first to have to "work" at it, at least I know it does for me,
so I'm sure it does for my husband and your wife. I can't see giving up
though; I think that would end disastrously for all concerned.

> Because of everything mentioned above, it is hard for me to believe
> this, and it also hurts me to hear this. Perhaps she just can't
> remain interested in making love with one and the same person
> indefinitely. Before we got married she even said that this used to be
> one of the main fears she had about marriage (she wasn't, however, at
> all afraid to get married and was talking in past tense). I think she
> wouldn't want to admit this to herself, let alone to me.

> Another interesting thing about her psyche is that she doesn't have
> sexual fantasies at all. All her wildest experiences as a college
> student "just happened," she was never seeking for a particular
> kind of experience.

I don't know your wife, but if she's anything like my husband, I think
she's being misleading here too. EVERYONE has fantasies! My husband
won't discuss he's either. It hard when the person you're striving so
hard to learn throws up these road blocks! If you get anywhere I love
to hear about it. I think talking about sex is like talking about
chocolate, as soon as you say the word you want some! LOL! But my hub
hates to talk about it at all. Like I said, I'd love to hear from
anyone that breaks through this.

click on title to read on

posted by Robert Heard at 9:43 AM