Communication-Awareness practice

Exercise: Awareness Practice

Learn to Notice What's Happening!

By Peter K. Gerlach, M

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This is one of over 150 articles focused on building high-nurturance family relationships and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. Clicking links below will open an informational pop-up or a full window, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker, or allow popups from this site.

Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

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learn seven relationship skills to get more daily needs met Our warp-speed, hyper-stimulating culture discourages developing personal awareness of the vital worlds within and around us. Once aware of this unawareness and motivated to reduce it, people (like you) can intentionally grow more aware. Part of this is growth is intentionally becoming more aware of the communication dynamics and outcomes within and around you. This foundation ability underlies all six other related communication skills.

Learning the seven skills and modeling and teaching them to kids and kin is the second of 12 Projects typical adults need progress on to grow a high-nurturance relationships and families. The alternative is unawareness - one of five relationship hazards.

reminder.gif (128 bytes) My unique, practical guidebook for Project 2 is Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know (Xlibris.com 2002). It integrates the key Project-2 Web articles and worksheets in this nonprofit Web site.

Communication Awareness Practice

Tailor and use this exercise periodically to expand your communication awarenesses. Pick a partner who shares your interest in growing communication effectiveness. Minimize distractions, and set aside 20” - 30” or so. Adopt the open, questioning "mind of a student," and let go of any need to criticize or blame anyone – starting with you. Reading about communication awareness will do little for you. Trying it can do a lot!

To get the most from this exercise, both of you read these:

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Communication overview - definitions, basics, and skills;
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Overview of communication awareness;
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Ideas on giving effective feedback,
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Overviews of personality subselves, and true and false selves, and...
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This general awareness exercise.

Then…

2) Find a quiet space together with "enough" privacy. Sit facing each other comfortably. Bring a copy of this exercise and some paper and a pen.

3) Each of you recall a recent important conversation with someone else - at home, work, or other - that you're willing to share with your exercise partner. Pick a conversation between you and one other where you feel that the energy and/or outcome was "notable."

4) Decide who will talk first. The speaker's job is to be themselves, and describe their communication incident naturally, in about 5". The listener's job is to attend the speaker non-judgmentally, like a reporter, using a copy of this worksheet to record impressions about their partner's communication process. Minimize or avoid questions and comments. Notice nonjudgmentally how you feel, as the practice unfolds.

5) After ~ 5", wrap up. Listener, go back over the incident with the speaker, and help them clearly answer the seven awareness questions below. Aim to be a researcher and facilitator, not a healer. You don't need to be right here. The goal here is to help each other notice the processes in and between you – i.e. to grow your communication awarenesses.

6) When you both feel done enough, reverse roles and repeat these steps. Take about 15 minutes or more for each half.

7) If you've extra time, assess these seven focus areas in the debriefing process you've just shared together. Again: this is not about right-wrong (blaming) or competition. It's about getting main communication needs met in a way that feels good enough to both of you. Note and discuss special learnings you want to remember from this experience.

Seven Basic Awarenesses

Awareness 1) - Who was probably in charge of each person's personality – their true Self, or a false self? When your Self is steadily trusted to guide your other subselves, you'll usually feel some mix of clear, sure, calm, alive, awake, aware, focused, resilient, grounded, light, up, strong, purposeful, balanced, alert, centered, and compassionate:

If a false-self group of subselves is in charge, you feel a mix of the reverse of those – anxious, unclear, upset, unsure, “heavy,” cloudy, hesitant, defensive, hostile, wary, numb, confused, sarcastic, "down," apathetic, distracted, and so on.

Notice what it feels like to mull who was in charge of your respective inner families. This is primary awareness to build in all important situations. Have you ever heard of it before? Do your kids and key others know about it? When false selves dominate, communication effectiveness plummets.

Awareness 2) - Communication needs: Why was each of you communicating in that situation? Which of these did you each need?

_ To keep or build respect (usually always present), plus…

_ To give or get information (vs. emotions); and/or…

_ To cause action (what?________________), and/or to feel potent or powerful;

_ To vent (be heard, understood, and accepted); and/or…

_ To cause excitement (end boredom), or distract from something; and/or…

_ To avoid discomfort. like awkward silence or a conflict.

* Did your communication needs match well enough? By whose standards?



Option: if you practice-partners are both aware of the difference between surface and primary needs, note and discuss whether the people in the speaker’s situation (a) could have benefited from "digging down" to identify their primary needs; and if so, whether they (b) identified them, and (c) acted to fill them or not.

Awareness 3) - R(espect)-Messages: What main R-message/s do you sense that each partner got from the other person during this exchange: “I’m 1-up (superior)," “I’m 1-down (inferior)," or “I see our needs and dignity as co-equal here (=/=)?” Were the R-messages received the same ones that were sent?

Awareness 4) - E(motion)-Levels, and the communication skills used: How would you judge the E-levels of each partner over the span of your exchange:

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“Above the ears” (distracted, and can't hear the other person well),
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“Below the ears” (probably can hear them), or…
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Variable?

With their combination of E-levels, which of the seven communication skills do you think each partner should have used to get their main communication needs met? What skills did they use?





Did anyone's E-level rise or fall during the exchange? If so, How did the other person react – i.e. did they shift to empathic listening, or do something else?





Awareness 5) - Channels and double messages: Did either of the people in the situation seem to send or receive double messages - e.g. did their words say "Yes," while tone, face, hands, body, or other non-verbals said "Maybe" or "No"? If so, who said what?





Awareness 6) - Distractions and focusing: From what you know, is it possible or probable that either communication partner in this situation was significantly distracted

_ Internally (physical discomfort, worry) or...

_ externally (noise, lights, motion... )?

If so, how did the partners seem to handle these distractions? (e.g. ignored them, reduced them, talked about them, argued about them…)





If either person had an agenda (topic / focus), do you feel both partners focused on it or them, or did they get off track and lose their focuses? If so – did either of them notice that?





Awareness 7) - Communication outcomes: Was this effective (vs. "open and honest") communication?

* Did both people get their respective communication needs met enough (in their opinion)? If not, why?





* Did they both feel OK enough about (a) themselves, (b) their partner, and (c) the communication process they co-created? If not, why?





Options

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When you both feel done with changing roles, discuss how this exercise process felt to you two, and what you’re aware of.
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Apply these same seven questions to the exercise you’re sharing. Notice your “self-talk” (inner thought-streams and feelings) about this.
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User this exercise by yourself to assess an important or troublesome communication experience you had recently – inside you or with another person.
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use these summaries of common communication process-factors, blocks and useful tips to expand the scope of this awareness practice.
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review these empathic listening, assertion, and problem-solving skill practices.

click on title to read on

posted by Robert Heard at 9:27 AM