Stress in Relationships

Stress in Relationships
The following chapter is an excerpt from The 14 Day Stress Cure and is approximately 21 printed pages long. You may print it out if you like and remember to return to http://www.stresscure.com often, as we add more materials to help you cope with stress.
Copyright © 1991, M.C. Orman, MD, FLP. All Rights Reserved.

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Relationship problems are another type of "stress" we all experience from time to time. Conflicts can arise with our spouse, parents, children, friends, co-workers, employees, bosses, or even with total strangers.

As common as our relationship problems are, we often misunderstand what causes them to occur. Much of the time they come from hidden conversations and action patterns within us, not from the behavior or attitudes of others. The problem is we often don't notice the role that we play.

In addition, most people are confused about what it takes to create happy, successful, long-term interpersonal relationships. This is another hidden cause of our stress, which I will address in the second half of this chapter.
How To Deal With Relationship Stress

The secret to dealing with any relationship problem is to use the six-step method outlined in Chapter 4:

How To Deal With Relationship Problems

Step 1: DEFINE YOUR PROBLEM(S) SPECIFICALLY--i.e. "My husband never talks to me," "My boss hates my guts," "I can't stand to be around X for more than two minutes," or "I'm in love with Y, but he/she isn't interested in me."

Step 2: RELATE TO EACH OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AS FEEDBACK--i.e. assume you are partly the cause of the problem.

Step 3: IDENTIFY THE SPECIFIC CONVERSATIONS AND ACTION PATTERNS within you that are causing your relationship problems to occur or persist.

Step 4: REMIND YOURSELF that these hidden patterns EXIST IN YOUR BODY, not your mind.

Step 5: TAKE ACTION TO NEUTRALIZE THESE HIDDEN CAUSES--i.e. challenge your stress-producing conversations; disrupt your automatic behavior patterns; create relationship- enhancing contexts.

Step 6: If your relationship problems don't improve, REPEAT STEPS 1-5 AND/OR GET COACHING.

EXAMPLE: Consider the case of Laura and Steve. Laura came to see me because she was tired of her husband Steve's uncaring behavior. The couple had been fighting about this problem for years, but no matter how much Laura complained, Steve refused to give her the type of attention and caring she wanted.

My first step in treating Laura was to help her define her problems more specifically. This involved showing her that her problem could be divided into two separate parts:

PROBLEM #1: "My husband doesn't care about me anymore."

PROBLEM #2: "My husband doesn't do certain things I want him to do no matter how much I ask."

Next, I helped Laura view each of these problems as feedback. Instead of assuming that Steve was the sole cause of these problems, I asked her to consider that she might also be playing a role in bringing them about.

From this new perspective, Laura was able to recognize some of the conversations and action patterns within her that were contributing to her difficulties. Regarding her first problem--"my husband doesn't care about me anymore"--she eventually discovered that she was wrong about this conclusion. Steve did care about Laura very deeply. He just didn't show his love for her in the ways she expected. For Laura, there was a right way and a wrong way to show a wife that you cared. Even though Steve did many things that--from his perspective--showed that he lover her, Laura couldn't appreciate these expressions because they didn't fit her standards. She had formed a negative judgement about Steve--i.e. "he doesn't care anymore"--which kept her from recognizing the truth about his feelings.

As Laura began to deal with this internal conversation, she was able to challenge and "disprove" the false "reality" it created within her. She began to notice that Steve did express much love and concern for her, and this helped her feel better about the future of their relationship.

With regard to her second complaint--"Steve doesn't do what I want him to do no matter how much I ask"--Laura also found the feedback perspective of value. By asking herself how she might be contributing to this problem, she recognized the following issues, which had previously escaped her attention:

a) By assuming Steve didn't care about her anymore, she repeatedly interacted with him in a negative, resentful fashion. Given that Steve could feel her blame and anger, why should he try to please her when he knew she would never be satisfied?

b) Because Laura wanted Steve to behave in ways that were contrary to his nature, she spent much of her time trying to make him into someone different. This caused Steve to resist her even more.

c) Instead of praising and rewarding Steve for the few loving things he did the way she wanted, Laura constantly put him down for not doing these things more often. She noticed that her parents did the same to her when she was young, and she remembered she didn't like it much either.

d) Even though Steve found it difficult to give Laura what she wanted, he was not incapable of making certain changes. By assuming he would never come around, however, Laura stopped herself from exploring other ways to ask for what she wanted--ways that might work better for Steve and motivate him to want to do what she asked.

As Laura learned to free herself from each of these hidden patterns, she began to feel more hopeful about her marriage. Steve noticed this change in Laura too, and his own behavior began to improve spontaneously.

NOTE: Had Steve come in for treatment, with or without Laura, I would have used the same approach with him. I would have helped him discover the ways in which he, not Laura, was causing their marital problems to occur. Since each partner generally plays a role in any relationship problem or conflict that occurs between them, both can usually benefit from adopting a "feedback" perspective.
Relationship-Destroying Patterns

Many of us assume that our relationships should just work out by virtue of our inherent goodness and kindness. Our thinking goes something like this: "Human beings are naturally loving, caring, committed individuals who only need to find the right kind of partner to live happily ever after."

The truth about human relationships is often the opposite, however. Most of us have been "programmed" to fail in our interpersonal relationships, and if we follow our automatic tendencies, we will destroy any union that matters to us.

To succeed in our relationships, therefore, we must learn to recognize and deal with the hidden relationship-destroying patterns within us. Not only must we know how to deal with these patterns in ourselves, but we must also know how to deal with similar patterns in other people as well.

We have already discussed several of these patterns. Take the issue of control, for instance. Much of our relationship stress comes from our conscious and unconscious efforts to change or control other people. We want others to behave in certain ways, and when we can't get them to, we become angry and resentful. The more we try to change them and fail, the more angry, frustrated, and depressed we are likely to become.

We are also very critical and judgmental of other people. Internal conversations such as GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG, CAUSE/EFFECT, AND PERFECTIONISM commonly contribute to our interpersonal problems.

NOTE: Many of our relationship-destroying patterns, such as GOOD/BAD, RIGHT/WRONG, PERFECTIONISM, and CONTROL, have positive benefits in our lives as well. As a physician, for instance, I often must distinguish good from bad, and right from wrong. I need to have a reasonable amount of perfectionism in caring for others. And I often need to take control in difficult or life- threatening situations. When I go home, however, and try to assert these same "successful" patterns with my family, friends, or other individuals, conflicts can occur.
Other Key Relationship-Destroying Patterns

In addition to the conversations and action patterns noted above, there are four key patterns that are very destructive to our relationships. If you learn to recognize and deal with these four patterns, you will be able to prevent or eliminate much of the relationship stress you experience.

________________

THE
BLAME
GAME
________________

Of all the relationship-destroying patterns that affect both men and women, the most damaging is our tendency to blame someone or something other than ourselves when relationship difficulties occur. This pattern is hard to resist, since we can usually find many irritating habits or behaviors in others that seem to be the cause of our problems.

There are two good reasons you should refuse to play this game. The first is that it keeps you from relating to your relationship problems as "feedback." As we have already seen, there are many advantages to adopting this "feedback" perspective, and you lose these advantages when you blame things outside of yourself--even when some degree of blame may seem justified.

The second reason you should refuse to play the blame game is that it is based upon a false understanding of the nature of human relationships. Relationships are not "things" that can be "good" or "bad," "right" or "wrong," or "satisfying" or "unsatisfying" in and of themselves. They are processes that evolve over time and whose outcomes are determined by the behavior of their components. Any "qualities" such as "good" or "bad" that we attribute to our relationships, therefore, are not fixed or immutable characteristics-- they are temporary states that are always subject to change.

When we blame either our partner or our "relationship" as the source of our dissatisfaction, we not only fail to acknowledge how we may have contributed to our problems, but we also fail to see that we often have the power to successfully resolve them.

EXAMPLE: Jean complained that her husband never talked to her anymore, that he had little intimate contact with her, and that he immersed himself in his work to "hide" from her. She repeatedly maintained that her marriage had gone "sour," that there was no joy or satisfaction to be derived from it, and that the only possible solution was to seek a divorce. By blaming both her husband and her relationship for being the source of her dissatisfaction, Jean placed herself in the weakest possible position for dealing with her problems successfully. Had she related to her husband's behavior as "feedback," and had she assumed that the poor quality of her relationship was in part a by-product of her own unconscious attitudes and behaviors, she could have explored many other options. She could have tried new and creative ways of interacting with her husband that might have made him more willing to recognize and address some of the problems she knew existed.

The same could be said for Jean's husband as well. Surely he was aware of the loss of affection and communication in the relationship, and he could have taken the initiative to restore these ingredients too. Instead, he was busy playing the blame game himself--secretly criticizing and punishing his wife for the relationship's demise.

The blame game also causes problems is in our relationships with our children. Parents are often frustrated and perplexed by behavioral or emotional problems in their kids. They may even take one of their children for therapy because they believe the child is primarily to blame for such problems. For therapy with children to be successful, however, parents must often be helped to stop playing the blame game and adopt a "feedback" perspective. This can enable them to identify their own role in causing their children's problems to occur or persist, and by modifying their own behavior as parents the behavior of their children will often improve as well.

________________

KICKING
YOUR
SEEING-EYE DOG
________________

Another relationship-destroying pattern I see in many couples is KICKING YOUR SEEING EYE DOG. This pattern is based upon the principle that opposites attract. Most of us become attracted to other people not because they are similar to us, but because they possess certain talents, skills, and qualities we lack. This is why outgoing individuals often hook up with shy, introverted partners. It is also why intellectually-oriented people tend to marry emotion-oriented individuals, and why impatient people often end up with slow, leisurely-paced mates.

If you think about your own romantic relationships, past and present, you will probably notice that you and your spouse or lover differ in many ways.

For example, my wife, Christina, and I differ from each other in the following ways:

-One of us is more intellectually oriented, the other is more sensation-emotion oriented.
-One is talkative and outgoing, the other quiet and reserved.
-One likes sports, the other hates sports.
-One likes camping, the other hates camping.
-One spends money very easily, the other is a frugal saver.
-One likes to watch TV, the other rarely watches TV.
-One likes to go to parties, the other finds excuses to avoid them.
-One likes the kitchen to be clean and neat, the other leaves it messy.
-One likes Apple computers, the other IBM.
-Etc.

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posted by Robert Heard at 9:55 AM