Domestic Violence: Spousal Abuse

Domestic Violence: Spousal Abuse

The recent arrest of a man who murdered his young pregnant girlfriend,(who was also the mother of a small child) compelled me to write this article on spousal abuse.The death of this woman at the hands of a man who abused her for over two years is a tragedy that should not have happened and yet it is an all too familiar theme.

The murder of pregnant women by their husbands or boyfriends is on the rise. Twice in the past three years we have seen high profile media coverage concerning the murders of pregnant women by their husbands, the most infamous one, that of Laci Peterson.

Police officials say that domestic violence and spousal abuse are almost always precursors to murder.If the abuser is fueled by alcohol or drugs, death at the hands of the "man who loves you" is a stark and frightening reality.

Unfortunately it is a crime that the victim rarely willingly reports.There is the embarassment of having to show bruises to police officers and doctors; the shame of having the law step into your home and personal problems. Some women even feel that they are to blame for the violent behavior of their spouse or boyfriend beacuse they "did something wrong."

More then sixty percent of all married couples in the United States have some type of spousal abuse in their lives. This abuse can take many forms. Certainly we are all familiar with pictures on television, and in magazines and newspapers of victims who have been physically abused by their spouses.

Abusive behavior, learned from childhood, is the ugly product that produces abusers. What we take with us from our childhoods can be fortunate, or unfortunate, impacting our adult lives. We can treat our spouses with love and compassion or violence and cruelty depending on what we were exposed to as children. It can take years and great soul-searching to correct our approach to how we deal with, and interact with, another person. It may be necessary to attend therapy sessions in anger management or compassionate living to overcome years of what we saw, but swore we’d never become.

Though we are all capable of losing our tempers, physically hurting the person you say you love is always wrong. Hitting, punching, kicking, biting, shoving, any form of physical abuse is not to be tolerated. One time leads to years of pain and suffering.

A form of abuse, that until recently was never discussed because there were no visible signs, is emotional abuse. Friends and family may not even know a person is being emotionally abused. An emotional abuser knows exactly what to say to their spouse to hurt as deeply as possible. Many abusers will rant and rave for hours using demeaning words and profanity. They may also take past painful episodes in the life of their spouse, perhaps a childhood trauma, and use them as weapons.Emotional abuse leaves scars too.

Sometimes emotional and physical abuse combines in a strange and painful way. The emotional abuser’s victim eventually fights back and becomes a person who can become physically violent in an attempt to stop the pain of the razor-sharp words. In that sad case they each become both victims and abusers.

You do not need to be a victim. Get help immediately! There is no shame in asking for help. Contact a lawyer who deals in domestic violence; if you cannot afford one, contact Legal Aid. There are shelters and safe houses for victims of domestic abuse. Leave your house immediately if you feel threatened in any way; go with your gut instinct. Abuse is insidious. Look for the signs. Seek help if your spouse's immediate reaction to any disagreement escalates into the physical.Once abuse starts it rarely stops.


Can a marriage where there has been abuse be saved? Psychiatrists say yes, but only if both spouses consent and only if the abuser is absolutely willing to change abusive behavior. There can be no “I’ll try to change,” there can only be “I will change.” Otherwise it will not work. The abuser in a relationship, needs to be aware of one unbreakable iron-clad rule: there is no going back to old violent behavior patterns. Ever. If that rule is broken the marriage is over. Period.

Healing a fragmented love is a process that takes time and concentrated effort. Unfortunately, in some cases, there may be too much damage done to ever repair. One physical act of abuse is one too many.


Sacred Jude in my Life, Miracles Abound!!

posted by Robert Heard at 9:47 AM