Learning to Love Again

Learning to Love Again

Each year, millions of older people seek new romantic connections after a divorce, widowhood or the breakup of a long-term relationship.

STUMBLING BLOCKS

When contemplating a new relationship, many of us toss obstacles in our own paths. These mental blocks can prevent you from embarking on new romance. Common obstacles...

Fear of being rejected. "I'm too old, so nobody will want me" is an excuse we frequently hear.
What we tell clients: Being older is now more of a plus than a minus. There are more people over age 50 today than at any other time in history. The world is full of people your age who are looking for a person like you.

The saintly departed. Putting one's deceased spouse on a pedestal makes it easy to remember only the good and forget the bad. "No one else can measure up," you tell yourself.
What we tell clients: You may be using this view as an excuse to prevent yourself from renewing your life and loving another person. Avoid the comparison trap -- you can love someone else in a different way instead of the way you loved your departed spouse.

Survivor guilt. After a spouse's death, the survivor often feels guilty to be alive.
What we tell clients: It's great that you had such a wonderful spouse. Don't you think he/she would want you to be with someone else now... and be happy?

The burned divorcé. After a divorce, some people remember only hurt, anger and mistrust and forget the good times. The prospect of finding a new partner rekindles memories of pain, rejection and the loss of personal identity. "Why take the risk?" they ask. "Why let love ruin my life again?"
What we tell clients: These arguments make one a victim, afraid to take a chance again.

Fear of sex. Sex is a minefield today. People are terrified to start a new relationship. Many of our clients say they expect prospective sex partners to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases. One positive effect of this development, of course, is a reluctance to indulge in the instant sex that was the norm for a while. That hardly ever leads to a lasting relationship.
What we tell clients: Feel free to tell prospective partners if you are not yet ready for sex after a painful divorce or breakup. Say, "I'd like to get to know you better by spending time with you first."

Fear of exploitation. Women who grew up in the feminist era demand fairness. For many, the loss of a partner represents a respite from household drudgery and a life of serving others. Why hook up with another taker?
What we tell clients: Men today are more willing than their fathers and grandfathers to accommodate a partner's expectations. Assert your need for fairness in the relationship. Helping out at home makes a greater difference in relationships than many men realize.

READINESS TIME

Learning to love again typically involves four stages.

Each stage may last weeks, months or years -- or a lifetime. You may also reach a new stage only to slide back to a previous one.

Remembered-pain stage. Any thought of a lasting love relationship feels like salt poured on an open wound. You send the signal, "Don't come close to me. I've been hurt too much." Self-pity, isolation and overindulgence in drugs or alcohol are common.
On the other hand, this stage may bring a wild rush to marry an improved version of the former spouse, making your half self whole.

You cannot entertain the idea that a relationship is based on being part of another person. Each of us is already a whole person.

Questing/experimental stage. Recognition dawns that being a single person lets you respond to new challenges in new ways. Remembered pain diminishes in intensity. The realization emerges that like millions of other single people, you are free to try new relationships.
A person in this stage may join singles groups or have sexual affairs, but close commitment based on mutual respect and caring remains inconceivable. You send the message: "I'm sensitive, vulnerable and defiant. Don't ask for more than my body, because I have nothing more to give."

The diminishing appeal of purely sexual relationships signals readiness for the next stage.

Selective-distancing stage. Eventually, the belief that one is half a person declines. The sense of being a competent single individual becomes dominant. Hassles with the ex-spouse have ended. Legal issues of inheritance and financial planning have been resolved.
The desire for new relationships begins to feel more like a promise of adventure and less like a guarantee of new pain. Rising self-esteem enables you to meet people through friends or hobbies... at parties, workshops, committees... in social organizations... in chance encounters at a museum or park.

The longer this stage lasts, the more intense the longing for a lasting love relationship. But the fear persists that a close commitment will end in disaster. You send the signal: "Come close, but go away. I don't want to be hurt again." Brief relationships are common.

Eventually, the balance of internal forces tips in favor of commitment. The courage to embrace an intimate relationship overpowers the fear of its possible failure.

Creative-commitment stage. The final stage grows out of the recognition that what you feared was only fear itself. You send the signal: "Come closer at your own pace. I would like to know you better. I will be comfortable with whatever develops."
Trust in yourself leads to trust in others.

When intimacy grows and fits both parties, it is because it is based on friendship, caring, warmth, vulnerability and love. That love includes mutual respect and trust, as well as sexual delight. One views the prospect of a monogamous commitment as a prospect to welcome rather than to avoid.

HAPPINESS CALLS

Once you understand these four stages, you can direct your energy toward the future rather than the past. Discomfort with your current stage suggests that you're ready for the next one.

Every person has the power to be transformed for the better at any time. As we grow older, every day becomes more precious.

If you are alone and want to share your days -- and nights -- with someone special, open your heart. Smile. Explore. Enjoy.

posted by Robert Heard at 2:49 PM