Relationship advice: how to save a marriage after you've cheated

Relationship advice: how to save a marriage after you've cheated

One bad decision can strongly affect your marriage. Find out how to save and heal your relationship and build trust after you cheated.

No matter how long ago it was, when you walked down the aisle with your fiancee, you probably meant the vows you said. You probably never dreamed that you'd be here now, at this point in your life, with a crumbling marriage after having an affair.
You've said, "I'm sorry" to your husband or wife a hundred times, but those words alone can't restore the trust, the respect, and the fidelity in your marriage. So, what do you do now? How can you save your marriage and regain a relationship with your spouse?


The first thing that you need to work on is yourself. That doesn't mean that you should berate yourself. You've probably done that already. It's time for you to sort out your feelings. Ask yourself these questions:
Why did I feel the need to cheat on my spouse? Why do I still love my spouse? Why should he or she stay married to me? What can we do to change our marriage so that we can get the fidelity and the trust back?

After you have answered these questions in your own mind, then you'll need to sit down with your husband or wife to have a discussion with them. Don't just try to talk with them right after supper or while they are at work. Arrange a specific time and date for you two to sit down and have a quiet talk alone. If you have children, get a babysitter. If your schedules conflict with each other, then offer to rearrange your schedule. Since you were the one that cheated, you will need to be the one that reaches out. You'll also need to show your husband or wife that you're serious about saving your marriage.

Start out by telling your husband or wife why you still love them. This will help to reinforce your reason for wanting to work through this difficult time in your marriage. It will also make your spouse feel like there is something there, at least on your side, to rebuild your marriage on.

Then, tell your spouse why you feel the need to save your marriage. Having children makes some couples feel like they have to stay married, happy or not. Children do, of course, provide a link between a man and a woman, but they alone are no reason to stay married. Bring up happier times that the two of you shared. Also, remind him or her of other times that you two have endured stressful times together. This will help to reinforce the fact that this incident can be resolved, just like other issues were resolved.

When you make suggestions on how you and your spouse can change your marriage to get the fidelity and the trust back, expect him or her to become defensive. Because they feel hurt and betrayed, they probably want to place all of the blame on you. You'll need to be calm, patient, and loving.

And, when you talk to your mate, he or she will want to know, if they don't already, every detail of your extramarital affair. It's not that he or she is interested in hearing "dirty talk". Rather, a spouse that has been cheated on usually feels the need to know everything. As painful as it is to hear the details of your husband or wife cheating on you, you need to know. Afterall, there should be no secrets between the two of you if you want to regain a solid relationship.

Take heart as you're going through the process of trying to save your marriage. Right or wrong, you're not the only human being to ever have cheated. And, you won't be the first man or woman to ever stay married, even after you have committed adultery.

posted by Robert Heard at 9:18 AM