IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE

IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE
By Trevor Barre - Life Coach

A few years back my wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and used the opportunity to look back over our lives. We spent the day in and around the beautiful Barossa Valley, north of Adelaide, leaving our ‘near-adult’ children (now there’s a paradox!) at home, and mobile phones in the car.

Most of the day was spent sitting on the grassy bank of the river, relaxing and taking time out together. Following a nice picnic lunch prepared by Chris, I walked to the car and returned with a small surprise - a box of her favourite chocolates and a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, which she had favourably commented on recently at a friend's wedding.

As we nibbled on the chocolates and sipped the wine, we quite naturally relaxed into each other's arms and spoke of past memories shared together. I made a special point of presenting her with a specially written anniversary card and thanked her for the wonderful years we had enjoyed together.

In simple terms, I paid her a compliment. In fact, I complimented her many times over throughout the afternoon -with the words I spoke, the acts of courtesy, the gifts of card, chocolates and wine, and the respect shown her on the day.

In retrospect, I think what has become important in our relationship is the willingness to put the other person first in our relationship. Now I know that is an easy thing to say, but in reality can be very hard to achieve. You see, we all want what is best for us, and so approach life from a selfish point of view.

We all suffer from a selfish ‘meet my needs first’ syndrome in fact. In itself, this is not a bad thing, as it ensures that we look after our own interests, when perhaps others don’t. But in a marriage, or life-long partnership, a different approach is needed.

Imagine the situation when your spouse has been working all day, whether at home or in a workplace environment. You meet them after a long, hard day yourself and expect them to automatically pamper you, pay attention to you, and meet your needs first. It doesn’t happen, sorry!

What happens in this situation is the beginning of the clash of wills that can only end in one or both being disappointed.

Imagine instead if upon hearing of a difficult or terrible day that your partner has had, decided to turn the day around for them. You tell them to take off their shoes and relax, while you make a cup of tea (sorry, this is my British heritage speaking here!). You then take the tea into the room where your partner is relaxing for the first time today, and say, “So, tell me what happened,” while gently massaging his or her neck and shoulders.

At this point in time you probably don’t have to say much for the next 30 minutes, as they pour out their frustration, bitterness, disappointment, and the like.

They don’t want answers – they just want you (their most favourite person in the world) to be there for them. They need you to listen attentively, to make an occasional “Uh huh” noise, and let them get off their chest what has been building up. Once the outpouring has stopped, the tea has been drunk, and the savage animal quietened, that person would think the world of you.

But did you actually do anything? Well, yes you did. You put the other person first, pampered them a little, met their needs, and built your relationship. Congratulations.

If you would honesty like to improve your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following, and answer with a‘yes’ or ‘no’ to each question:

· Do I often make him or her a cup of tea or coffee in bed -

· Do I do often what they like to do -

· Do I often go where they like to go –

· Do I ask how I can help -

· Do I take it in turns to make the dinner -

· Do I give them permission to have time alone, or with friends -

· Do I ever take the kids to school and sporting events -

· Do I ever wash the car -

· Do I give free (non-sexual) massages when I see they need it –

· Do I really listen, without doing all the talking -

If you didn’t write ‘yes’ to at least 6 out of 10 questions, might I suggest you need to begin talking more to your partner in an effort to improve your communication - and your relationship, and along the journey learn to truly pamper your partner.

posted by Robert Heard at 10:11 AM