A Few Words of Advice on Maintaining a Loving Partnership

A Few Words of Advice on Maintaining a Loving Partnership

April Westfall, PhD
May 15, 2006

I'm at that stage of life at which many of my friends' children, not to mention my own daughter, are choosing to marry. At a recent wedding shower I attended, all the invited guests were asked to come prepared to speak on the subject of growing and maintaining a loving relationship. This is a rather difficult feat for a couple's therapist to do in a few words. I racked my brain as to what to say as I struggled to distill some wisdom from my own life and the thousands of couples I've worked with over the years. Lucky for me, the shower was only a week away. Like a good news reporter, I had to get the story out and to make some choices from all that could be said on what for me will always be a fascinating topic. So, these are my thoughts in this somewhat expanded version on maintaining a loving, committed relationship over the long haul, whether married or not.

Couples I work with often bemoan the fact that the qualities in their partner that attracted them to the person in the beginning are later what they find most difficult to tolerate. Those personality differences that brought the initial spark of passion now spark only heated arguments. So, when you find yourself struggling with your differences from your mate, try to remember that initial feeling that went with them and how you hoped that this person might change your life for the better.

Amidst your busy lives, try to find time each day to talk to one another and find out how you each are doing. Create rituals of connection in your marriage, whether it's starting the day with morning coffee before the children wake up or walking the dog together before preparing for dinner. Checking-in with each other regularly goes a long way toward preventing the emotional blunders that occur when you are too far removed from your partner's inner thoughts and feelings. Once a week, sit down with each other to deal with any issues that require more focused attention. Ongoing maintenance is as critical to the life of your marriage as it is to your automobile.

Occasional eruptions of anger are a normal part of marriage. If restraint is exercised, these expressions of anger can serve to clear the air and expunge some of the frustration that inevitably occurs in close, intimate relationships. In fact, couples who shy away from any show of anger may do more harm than good, as emotional distance comes to separate them and a "chilliness" sets in. Expressing anger in a healthy way is an art - and takes practice. Avoid damaging your relationship with name-calling and humiliation, even when furious with your partner. Never use information given in confidence as a weapon, especially concerning the more painful aspects of his or her childhood, if you want your partner to continue to trust you.

Handle your conflicts in such a way that there are no winners and losers. Attempt to see your partner's point of view, and he or she may be better able to respect your own way of doing things. Cultivate a habit of compromise. Refrain from always having to have the last word. Self-righteousness is an attitude destined to get you nowhere good in your marriage.

Mistakes - sometimes serious ones - are an inevitable part of any long-term relationship. Eventually you can and will do harm to your mate. When this happens, be accountable for your bad behavior. Contrary to the often quoted line from the once popular film, Love Story: "Love does mean having to say you're sorry." Saying so, when done with sincerity, can be the first step toward healing and moving on.

Continue to seek out activities that challenge you both and bring novelty and fun to your relationship. These activities are the antidote to marital boredom. Whether you enjoy traveling together or decide to train for a marathon or take up salsa dancing, have fun!

Cultivate a soulful and deeply physical bond with your partner. Avoid the Cartesian split that ails so many couples in the Western world. Never forget the art of seduction, which continues to play as important a role post-marriage as it did during the early courtship period. At the same time, be realistic about what marital sex is all about. As borne out by research, married couples who report the greatest sexual satisfaction have their own fair share of mediocre and disappointing sex, just like everyone else. What separates them from other couples is their resilience in the face of disappointment. They accept disappointment as an occasional part of good sexual intimacy, and when it happens, they worry less and look forward to better times together in the near future.

Honor the dreams you share together as well as those you hold separately, whether you hope to raise happy and successful children together or one of you hopes to write "the great American novel." Respecting these life goals lends a sense of purpose and seriousness to your life together.

Be there for each other during the tough times: "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health." Having a loving, devoted partner with you at the most difficult moments strengthens your bond as much as celebrating your successes together.

Seek out friends and family members for whom you both care deeply. These people bring energy to your relationship and bring out the best in each of you for you to see.

When you find yourselves in a marital rut, as invariably happens over time, be generous with your partner and your marriage. To borrow from the wise injunction from the late John F. Kennedy: "Ask not what your marriage can do for you, but what you can do for your marriage." Don't worry that you are the first one to take corrective action. Consider this a sign of strength rather than a capitulation.

Finally, remember to try to bring laughter and humor to your familiar and repetitive struggles and more troublesome moments, which allow them to be gotten through more easily or simply endured.

Anyhow, best wishes and good luck in your future together!

Labels: marriage success

posted by Robert Heard at 8:24 AM