After You've Betrayed Your Spouse

After You've Betrayed Your Spouse

How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Sep 29, 2007

Emotional affairs, multiple affairs and one-night stands are different types of marital infidelity. Here are six steps to save your marriage after infidelity.

When you've betrayed your spouse, you can take certain steps to restore trust and build a better marriage. Saving your marriage after infidelity takes courage, hard work, and honesty.

Saving your marriage also requires insight into marital infidelity. The following six steps will clarify the process of building a better marriage; marriage counseling may also be a good idea.

Six steps to saving your marriage after infidelity

1. Apologize. You're in pain. You may feel defensive, scared and confused – but a sincerely apology without excuses or rationales is the first step in saving your marriage after infidelity. No matter how unstable your marriage was before you betrayed your spouse, you were wrong to have an emotional affair, one-night stand, or multiple affairs.

2. Listen. No matter how bad it makes you feel, let your partner share feelings of betrayal, pain, disgust, rage, or frustration. Listen intently, until your partner is finished talking. Put your feelings of guilt, remorse or pain aside; saving your marriage after infidelity involves emotional sacrifice. Marriage after an affair involves painful, vulnerable communication.

3. Discuss the affair. Your spouse deserves answers. Share some details of how and why you betrayed your spouse. Discuss the affair in terms of how it came about and how you and your spouse can ensure it doesn't happen again. Talk about a plan to protect yourselves from another marital infidelity.

4. Change your lifestyle. When you betray your spouse, you're no longer free to follow your old patterns. Accepting new limits and boundaries (eg, not lunching alone with colleagues of the opposite sex) will go far in saving your marriage after infidelity. Rebuild your spouse's trust by being open to reasonable requests regarding boundaries and behavior (marriage counseling will help you both see what's reasonable).

5. Talk about your lifestyle changes. Share how your life is different now that you want to save your marriage from another marital infidelity. Ask your spouse if your changes are helpful or not. Discuss the changes you need to make.

6. Accept a long period of healing. After you've betrayed your spouse, it'll take longer than a few weeks to heal. Your spouse will normally watch you closely for at least a year after the affair. It'll take awhile to accept everyday things in stride, such as you being late for dinner or suddenly changing your plans.

Marriage counseling is helpful because of the intense, volatile emotions that often accompany marital affairs. If you betrayed your spouse and want to save your marriage, be willing to try marriage counseling.

Labels: marriage trust

posted by Robert Heard at 1:18 PM