Baby-proofing your sex life could save your marriage

Baby-proofing your sex life could save your marriage
Trina Read, Calgary Herald

When planning for your first child -- or your 10th for that matter -- have you ever considered baby-proofing your sex life ?
I am always in awe of how well parents take care of their kids. Prevention and safety are the No.1 priority, what with regulation car seats, regulation cribs and baby-proofed houses.
I sometimes wonder if parents gave the same amount of care and attention to their sexual relationship, where might it be now and in the future?

Instead, there is a social more that states: After baby, a couple's sex life becomes almost non-existent and stays that way until the child is a teen.
It does not have to be that way.
In their book, Partnering, psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone write about the bonding patterns people form.
They theorize that people pair up and form a primary bond.
When a child comes along, a lot of times this primary bond is re-established with that child.
It then becomes increasingly difficult to maintain an open, intimate and sexual relationship with their significant other.
This is not a new idea. Ellen Kreid-
man, author of How Can We Light a Fire When the Kids are Driving us Crazy, wrote: "What unhappy couples do not understand is that if they make their children their No.1 priority, thinking they can work on their marriage later, they'll probably wind up as one of the one out of every two marriages that end in divorce today.
"Being alone, having quality time with your mate, is much more than sex. . . . It's imperative to have time alone to give each other that which is so desperately needed in a relationship -- your undivided attention."
In fact, the happiest, best-adjusted children come from a home in which the parents love and are intimate with each other.
So why then do so many parents feel it is okay to put their precious reconnecting time last on the list of priorities?
Why do these same parents feel guilty if they eke out a couple of hours every week "selfishly" for themselves? It's mind-boggling, really.
If you are serious about raising healthy children, you need to establish ground rules of how you will give each other your undivided attention. Because as many parents can attest, after baby comes, things get a little crazy for a long time.
Here are three basic rules to live and love by:
1. Make a one-night-a-month date night. No matter how tired, cranky and unromantic you both feel, make a pact to go out.
2. At least twice a year, have a weekend away. A weekend getaway is something to plan, to look forward to and to relax with one another.
3. Once a year, plan a one-week (yes, that would be seven days) vacation. Inevitably, the first week away from the kids is heart-wrenching for the parents.
However, feedback from parents has been that the kids do not seem to mind and, in fact, as the kids get older, they look forward to their independent time.
Of course, I do not feel these are outrageous expectations of your reconnection time. Do you? Probably.
Here are some of the excuses you may have for why this is not feasible.
Excuse No. 1: We do not have the money. Going on dates, weekends away and vacations do take money -- and who has money after paying for all those diapers?
Ask yourself: Can you afford not to go? Think of this money as being an investment in your life's most precious commodity: your relationship.
Excuse No. 2: I'm too tired.
I can appreciate how inviting your lovely couch must seem to your butt after a long week but trust me, going out with your sweetie will be rejuvenating.
Mother Teresa was the inspiration to one of my favourite quotes, "Always keep your lamp full." Wise words.
Keeping your lamp full means taking time out and giving back to yourself and to each other.
Ultimately, the best gift you can give your children is to have a long-term love affair with your partner.
Trina Read is a motivational speaker and writer with a doctorate on human sexuality.

Labels: marriage-sex

posted by Robert Heard at 1:01 PM