Early-warning signs that might signal problems in a marriage.

Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Early-warning signs that might signal problems in a marriage.
By Edwin Kiester, Jr., and Sally Valente Kiester


One evening when Linda Bunfield of Evergreen, Colo., asked her husband about his workday, he shrugged, mumbling something about being exhausted. It was the second time in a few days that Dennis had kept to himself like that.

Linda knew something was bothering him, but he wouldn't talk about it. To her this was yet another warning sign that their marriage needed improvement.

The next day she signed them up for a weekend couples' workshop given by Howard Markman at the University of Denver. There Dennis admitted he had work problems but "didn't want to burden" Linda with them. The workshop convinced him that they needed to share such concerns in order to have a strong marriage.

"People think marriages end with an affair or something equally explosive," says John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. "In fact, most end gradually, sliding down a slope of complaint, criticism, defensiveness and withdrawal until it's difficult to scramble back up. Yet there are usually early warnings that the relationship could be headed for trouble."

Here are some of the most common warning lights that can alert you to take stock of your marriage:

Separate Date Books
Linda Bunfield acknowledges that she and Dennis had been keeping "his" and "her" calendars. Each had a full schedule that, however unintentionally, excluded the other. In these hectic times, going separate ways is commonplace. It can also be a warning of possible breakdown ahead, according to therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. "Careers, children, hobbies, volunteer work -- people put all these things ahead of their relationships," Weiner-Davis says. Her suggestion: an "our" calendar that puts your relationship first. Make it a priority to pencil in dates for dinner out, day trips and just spending time together at home.

Thinking the Worst
In the early days of a marriage, spouses assume only the finest of motives for the other's actions. Take, for instance, the new husband who's late arriving for dinner. He's probably stuck in traffic, his wife thinks, or he probably had to stay longer at work. When he arrives, no matter what time, she greets him warmly.

Later in the marriage, however, as dinners grow cold and the kids are hungry, she becomes annoyed. He could have called, she may think. He never considers anyone but himself. Or she broods about other, less kindly explanations -- perhaps another woman or a stop at the neighborhood bar.

"It's a bad sign when partners don't give each other the benefit of the doubt," says Markman, co-author of Fighting for Your Marriage. In solid relationships partners cut each other some slack.

No More Pinches
When Pat and Tom Sanders walk down the street, friends watch with amusement. The Palo Alto, Calif., couple have been married 33 years, yet they still walk hand in hand.

When a relationship is new, there's plenty of touching. The two can scarcely pass each other without an affectionate pat. But for many couples, that casual intimacy eventually vanishes. "They don't pinch each other anymore," Gottman says. "They don't giggle together over private jokes or offer compliments such as 'Thanks for that wonderful dinner last night.'"

Growing Out of Touch.
One workshop exercise at the Seattle Marital and Family Institute has couples answer such questions as "Who's your partner's enemy at work?" and "What's your partner's favorite way to spend an evening?" One husband was stumped when asked, "What are your partner's concerns and worries?"

It's potential trouble when a spouse no longer knows a partner's likes and dislikes, or doesn't recognize issues that make the partner anxious.

Gritted Teeth
A Seattle woman's husband would frequently switch on the television after dinner. In the early days of their marriage, she protested regularly. "But after a while," she says, "I gritted my teeth and put up with it. But the anger never went away."

Says Markman: "Too much peace can lead to a cold, distant relationship. Unless the partners speak up and resolve their differences and fight for their marriage, eventually there'll be an explosion -- or a walkout."

History Turns Sardonic
Alan met Lyllian when he came to pick up her roommate for a date. Marge and Tom met when he and his buddies gathered to get a look at the new teachers who'd come to their small Iowa town. Couples delight in telling these stories, often with laughter and affection.

But with other couples, sometimes the laughter disappears, and the whimsical tone gives way to sarcasm: "She trapped me -- that's how it happened," or "He chased me until I got tired of running." This is a tip-off that shouldn't be ignored. In fact, some marriage researchers say they can predict which couples are headed for a breakup simply by asking questions such as "How did you happen to get married?" and then watching their reactions.


If a warning signal lights up on your marital dashboard, here's what the experts advise:

Speak Softly
Don't challenge your spouse. Introduce your concern gently and with politeness and respect.

One couple in a Gottman workshop had just had a second child. As the mother was nursing the newborn in bed, with the older child lying between his parents, the husband suddenly realized there were now two bodies separating him from his wife. Sensing something was wrong, she asked, "What's the problem, John?"

"Oh, I'm just having a pity party," he replied.

"That was a wonderful answer," Gottman says. "His wife understood he was feeling neglected without his withdrawing or complaining."

Don't Wait
When you know things have gotten off track, speak up: "I don't like the way things have been going between us lately. Can we talk about it?" Couples who stay happily married only let a few difficult days pass before they look for a resolution.

Do a "Blamectomy"
"Remove blame from the discussion," Gottman advises. "Say, 'This is what's bothering me, what can we do about it?' Not, 'You lout! Why do you behave that way?'"

Be Flexible
Smart couples look for ways to ease tensions before they escalate out of control. In that regard, says Markman, "a little give makes a big difference."

From Reader's Digest - June 1997
Originally in Reader's Digest

Labels: Is Your Marriage in Danger?

posted by Robert Heard at 8:56 AM