Discover why you need a marriage counselor and how to find the one for you

How to Find the Right Marriage Counselor
Discover why you need a marriage counselor and how to find the one for you



Marriage counseling can save your marriage even before it’s broken. During their first year of marriage, Sonja and Stephen Francis say that their relationship broke down. Conflict just kept continuing to escalate. Little squabbles would turn into blowouts. “We split up for a few minutes,” says Stephen. “Then, we decided to be on a mission to stay together.”
The first step? The couple decided to see their marriage counselor on a regular basis – through the good and bad times. Within a year, their marriage was back on track and people started asking them for their secret. That’s when the students became the teachers and launched Love Life Now, a company that puts on seminars in New York and one-on-one phone sessions for couples and those aspiring to be in couples.

As seminar leaders and coaches, they lead workshops to help people improve communication skills and self-management and learn how to appreciate their spouses and maintain a positive attitude, says Stephen. But they continue to see their marriage counselor and encourage others to do the same even if they are happy with their relationship. “Get medication before you’re covered in boils,” adds Stephen.

Here are Sonja and Stephen’s tips for finding the right marriage counselor and getting help to improve your marriage:

Try a few counselors.

Sonja and Stephen have a list of referrals on their Website. But you should consider everyone from a trusted clergyman to people, such as Stephen and Sonja, who have workshops and share their experiences one on one. Of course, trained and licensed counselors, therapists, and psychologists should be on your list as well. Feel free to go see more than one of these types of counselors, says Sonja. “Trust is the keyword here,” she adds. You need to find a person with whom both of you are comfortable and can be open about your feelings and any issues that you’re facing. Trying out different counselors is the best way to determine what will work for the two of you.

Avoid talking to your loved ones.

Family and friends are not the right marriage counselors for anyone. They can be bias in favor of one of you over the other. It can be embarrassing to talk to them about personal issues. You wouldn’t want your dirty laundry to be aired at Thanksgiving. It's just best to leave your loved ones out of your love life.

Know what type of counselor you need. When you try out different counselors, you should be looking for someone who resonates with both of you and makes you feel comfortable, says Sonja. The counselor should help you communicate better and teach you how to notice and express how you feel at the moment, says Stephen. As a result of their counseling, Sonja and Stephen say that they fight in a more orderly manner – less often, better, and more efficiently. Most importantly, says Sonja, is that the person you choose to counsel you is interested in both of you as individuals but is invested in your relationship as a couple.

Think of yourself.

Thinking of yourself might sound crazy when you’re trying to improve your relationship with another person. But that’s exactly what you have to do as you look for a marriage counselor and start the necessary work. For starters, you have to determine your needs. “If you don’t know what you want, that can be damaging to your relationship,” says Sonja. You have to stay focused on yourself and the role you play in this partnership. “The only person you have any real say over is yourself,” says Stephen. Be reflective and introspective and determined to help your relationship. It will inspire your partner and make counseling more fulfilling and successful.

Stick with the counseling.

Even now that Sonja and Stephen are helping couples themselves and are happy and thriving as a couple, they continue to see their marriage counselor. They say it’s important to continuously tend to your marriage and that means working on your relationship even when things are going well. “Be process oriented, not result oriented,” says Stephen. “After the wedding, dedicate yourself to the process of being a lifelong learner.” Your work only just begins on your wedding day.

Labels: Discover why you need a marriage counselor and how to find the one for you

posted by Robert Heard at 5:46 AM