Communication in Your Marriage

Communication in Your Marriage

How do you communicate with someone who slams doors, kicks cabinets, gives dirty looks, rolls their eyes or resorts to the silent treatment as a means of communication?

You may choose to ignore the whole thing, figuring it will soon blow over. Or, you may ask, "What's wrong?" and when your mate responds, "Nothing," the conversation is over. Unfortunately, neither of these methods of dealing with nonverbal expressions of anger does anything to increase communication and intimacy, but the following method does seem to work:

First, you have to be willing to commit five minutes of your time to breaking through the barrier. You begin with the same question you usually ask: "What's wrong?"

This time, however, when get the usual answer ? "Nothing" ? you're not going to drop it. Instead say: "Please tell me what's wrong. I know something is bothering you."

Once again, the answer you get will probably be is, "I told you. Nothing is wrong."

This is when it begins to get tough. Every bone in your body is telling you to leave well enough alone - it's not worth it! Yes, it is. Keep going. The fact that you are spending so much time and effort shows your mate that you really care.

By now you are about three minutes into this monologue. This time you say, "Please tell me what's wrong. I know you are upset. I must have done something to hurt you, but unless you tell me what it is, I'll never be able to do anything about it."

Your mate begins to weaken.

Here's your final attempt. I want you to say, "Please, please, tell me what's wrong, so I can make it up to you. You are the most important person in my life, and I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I can be so insensitive to you, and I just have to know what I did to cause you this pain."

Stick with this until you get an answer, no matter how discouraged you become. The alternative is worse. Living with a person who is angry and distant is no fun. This way, your mate will eventually cave in. It really will only take about five minutes and it will be over, and both of you will feel better.

While we're on the subject of non verbal communication, I want to caution you to watch your own nonverbal messages. You can send a negative message without saying a word. For example:

Your wife is talking to you. Your eyes never leave the newspaper. The message you send is, "I'm not interested in what you have to say. This newspaper is more interesting."

Your husband is telling a story you've heard many times before. You begin to just roll your eyes. The message you send is, "You are so boring. Here we go again."

You've just mad love and you are silent. The message you send is, "That was no big deal; certainly not worth talking about."

Your mate is telling you about an incident she experienced that day, and you look at your watch. The message you send is, "Hurry up and finish. I have more important things to do."

Sometimes it's not what you say, but what you don't say, that hurts.

If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.

Labels: Communication in Your Marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 7:45 AM