Therapy can keep it real when the honeymoon is over

Build a better marriage
Therapy can keep it real when the honeymoon is over

By MARILYN LINTON



Seems like your car and your teeth aren't the only things worthy of regular check-ups.

Marriage therapists are suggesting that couples take the pulse of their marriages on a regular basis: "Marriage is the most precious of relationships," says family therapist Diane Marshall. "Many couples I see are not coming because of any crisis."

Marriage therapy can help people to look at the strengths they have and to remind them of the values they share, says Marshall, director of the Institute of Family Living in Toronto (www.ifl.on.ca).

"There is a public perception that couples' counseling is only for people whose marriages are on the rocks.

"But now people come for various reasons: It may be related to a life transition such as the kids leaving home, or the illness of one of the partners, or the stress of the economy, even a change in their marital vision. I've had couples who said that their main vision was to create a home. Then, at midlife, when they realize they've accomplished that, they come to talk about where they want to go from there."

Just ask actors John Travolta and Courteney Cox about therapy.

Travolta has admitted that his 14 year-old union with Kelly Preston has been helped by professional counseling. Travolta said that checking in with a counselor every six months was a way to update their needs and learn how to handle issues themselves.

Courteney Cox, star of Dirt, recently told a British paper that when she and hubby David Arquette go through tough times, they simply seek marriage therapy.

Couples have not thought of therapy as a resource, says the University of Ottawa's Dr. Sue Johnson, an internationally-recognized couples expert, and developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (www.eft.ca).

"But it's important to encourage couples to think actively and intentionally about their relationships. A love relationship is something that they should deliberately try to shape."

Johnson says that research now confirms classic signs that a marriage is in trouble: "When a marriage is stuck, people go in circular patterns, terrible spirals. They don't know how to keep and nurture a sense of emotional connection with each other."

This circular pattern in couples who are distressed, she adds, "is as common as the common cold."

Couples get hooked into the content of an argument - they dance "the protest polka," she explains: "They think it's about how often they have sex, or how they spend money, but it's really in the way they talk to each other. They don't feel safe and connected or have that sense of trust and safety they had when they fell in love."

In her new book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Johnson says that there is now a valid science of love and bonding: "We need to get past the baloney that each person is an island," she believes. "Couples have to be co-dependent in a very positive way. It's a positive dependency that makes both partners stronger."

Johnson's focus in therapy is to create what she calls "pivotal" conversations where trust deepens, and where couples can talk about their fears, help each other with their vulnerabilities, and give each other clear signals about what they need from each other emotionally.

Trained marriage therapists can also teach "couples' dialogue," says Diane Marshall, who is a member of the Ontario Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (to find a therapist, see www.oamft.on.ca, which also links to registered therapists across Canada): "We can coach them to learn how to listen deeply and to validate their partner's feelings.

"As therapists we are entering into a couple's life journey to help facilitate their own strengths. We may help them develop new skills or deepen skills they already have. We work together during a crisis, during a transition, or during a time of reevaluation."

You can do your own marriage check-up once you know what to look for and what you need to keep your union strong, adds Sue Johnson. "Yes, you can create the love you want."

MARRIAGE CHECK-UP 101

In Dr. Sue Johnson's new book, Hold Me Tight, she asks readers to check out their relationship in three areas - accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement. Circle true or false for each question. If you score seven or more "true" answers, you are well on your way to a secure bond in your marriage.

Accessibility:

1. I can get my partner's attention easily. T or F?

2. My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T or F?

3. My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T or F?

4. I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T or F?

5. I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. T or F?

Responsiveness:

1. If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T or F?

2. My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T or F?

3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T or F?

4. Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to him/her and we will find a way to come together. T or F?

5. If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T or F?

Emotional engagement:

1. I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T or F?

2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T or F?

3. I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other. T or F?

4. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts and fears. T or F?

5. I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T or F?

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posted by Robert Heard at 7:25 AM