I am now 19 and have reached a point in my life where I no longer feel.......

I am now 19 and have reached a point in my life where I no longer feel I am to blame for the things that have happened to me.
As a child I spent years living in fear of my violent alcoholic father who would beat my mum, threaten to kill us have affairs etc. When he finally left us all for another woman, he left us with no home and a broken mum.
At 12 and with no one to turn to I felt grateful when an older man in his late 40's who was respected in the community took an interest in me and gladly listened to my concerns and problems. He ran a small local community centre with a bar and I would often go down there to hang out with my friends. My friends always had young lads after them and no one ever seemed interested in me - until of course this particular man started to declare his love for me.
At first it was because I was apparently like his daughter and he would tell me how beautiful I was. I was extremely flattered and was grateful for the compliments. I began to see him more often and he would allow me to stay late at the centre and buy me lots of alcoholic drinks. When we were alone he would touch me, show me his penis but always told me this was because he loved me.
This went on for over three years. . After he had left his job at the centre I met him and we slept together. I never saw him again. I had consented to sex just as I had allowed him to touch my body and kiss me because I loved him and he promised me the world.
At 16 I began to sort of realize what had happened to me and I began to feel ashamed of myself. I decided to block out and ignore the emotions by taking drugs,(my favorite unfortunately being cocaine), drinking and even sleeping around. This all began to get out of hand but I was brought back down to earth and shocked back into reality.
I had been out one night in town with my friend and was dosed up to the eye balls on coke and booze. I got talking to some bloke and he seemed quite nice. We chatted most of the night, my friends went home and I stayed for another drink with him and his mates. I began to feel drowsy though and passed out. (whether this was down to the drugs I had taken myself or something they had given me I dont no).
I woke up on a bed with one of the men on top of me and inside me. My body felt so heavy and I could hardly moved. I slurred at him to get off me but he just laughed and carried on enjoying himself at my expense. He finally ejaculated and got off me. Relieved it was over I struggled to sit up and was about to try to attempt to find my clothes and get out when another man came in pushed me down and it started again. I attempted a scream but just got a slap and a hand over my mouth 'shut up and take it bitch' I was told.
When they had finally all finished they went in the next room and sat laughing and getting pissed chatting about 'the bitch in the next room'. I managed to stumble out and get a taxi home.
I felt so dirty and believed that it was all I was worth. I thought that I had asked for it for being so wrecked in the first place.
I tried to turn my life around, and after some hard effort (but still a lot of blocking out) worked hard and got a promotion at work.
I was a restaurant manager and was told when I was 18 that I could run the bar. My 18th birthday came and to cut what could be another long story short as I locked up alone on my birthday a man who I vaguely knew and who was the last to leave followed me into the office and raped me over my desk. I lay there in complete disbelief that it could be happening again. It was my birthday and I worked hard to get that desk. The bastard. When he finished he told me that he just thought I was one of those girls who enjoyed saying no. And I began to believe it.
My legs are covered in scars from where I have sliced them up in fits of rage and self hatred towards myself. I nearly did start taking drugs again but somehow managed to resist and I decided to return to college.
I still have a drink problem but have recently started to stop blaming myself.
I will continue though to keep picking myself up no matter how many bastards knock me down. Some days are harder than others but every day now I begin to feel a little part of my heart and soul slowly beginning to heal.
Thank you for listening and thank you to those who shared their stories as it has been a great help to me/

by Kateon 1 Jan 2006

Labels: I am now 19 and have reached a point in my life where I no longer feel........

posted by Robert Heard at 6:28 AM