I was almost 18 and pretty naive

I was almost 18 and pretty naive, having just moved from a very small town [about 6,000] to what seemed like THE BIG CITY [80,000 or so] to me. I was questioning my sexuality - I knew I liked girls, but I wasn't sure whether or not I liked guys.

When I met him, I felt something I'd never felt for a guy before, so I figured it must be love. Plus, he was a few years older than me, and I was flattered by his interest. For some reason though, I refused to "consummate" the relationship & about 2 months into it, I realized I wasn't into guys at all. So, being fair, I broke up w/him. He didn't take it well. He trashed my car, threatening phone calls & emails, etc. I got a restraining order & since he ran a well-known business, and couldn't afford to ruin his name, he left me alone.

Out of the blue about a month later, he called & asked if we could talk. I met him at a coffee bar, and he apologized for everything, and said he wanted to try to be friends. Sounded good to me-like I said, I was naïve, and very trusting.

We talked on the phone every now and then, and he seemed to be the nice guy I'd first met. So when he called a couple weeks later to invite me to a party at his place, I accepted without a second thought.

I'm pretty sure he slipped something in my drink because, all of a sudden, I was sleepy. I woke up when I felt someone touching me, and I realized I was naked and some guy was trying to penetrate me. I couldn't see him because the lights were out. I told him to stop. He did for a minute and said, "But they told me you liked me." I realized he was this slow kid who hung around the "cool" guys, wanting to be one of them. He said, "They told me you liked to pretend you don't want to do it, but you really do" and tried to enter me again. He was less than halfway inside me, and I told him again to stop. He asked if he was hurting me. I said YES, so he started to pull out but didn't quite make it before...you know. I'd never been with a guy before, so I was disgusted, and told him to just get the f--- out.

I was getting dressed when my ex came in, acting very mad, like he had no idea this other guy was going to try something with me. He asked exactly what happened. I told him, and he said, "Guess that means you're still a virgin." I thought that was a weird thing to say. Then he asked, "Did he hurt you?" I said, "A little," and he said, "That was nothing compared to what I'm going to do to you."

He pushed me back on the bed, and got on top of me. I fought him and managed to scratch his face. He said, "You can fight me or you can lay back and be quiet, either way I'm gonna f*** you." I still struggled but he straddled my shoulders and pinned my arms down, then made me perform oral sex on him for a few minutes, then laid on top of me again, then he forced himself inside me. I was completely dry, and thought I was being torn in half. When he finished, I was crying and asked him WHY? He just shrugged, and said, "Why not"? Then I asked if I could get dressed and leave.
He said, "We saved the best for last." When he said that, another friend of his came in & my ex said, They raped me again & said if I ever told anyone, they'd do kill me, and my sister.

I got dressed & left, still bleeding & in a lot of pain. I went in my room & stuffed all my clothes way back in the closet cos I didn't want to touch or see them ever again. I got in bed & it was like I was in shock, I couldn't even cry. My sister came in & asked what was wrong. I told her I was having a very bad period & just needed to sleep.

But I wouldn't stop bleeding so I went to ER in the middle of the night. The nurse kept asking me if I was raped but I refused to answer her. They sewed me up & sent me on my way.

When I started feeling sick every morning, I went into major denial, till my sister finally asked if I was pregnant. I still thought it just couldn't be, so we got a home pregnancy test & sure enough...but I still didn't tell how it happened. It ended up being a tubal pregnancy & they had to terminate it. I've always had gyno problems, cysts & such, plus so much damage was done during the rape, the dr. said it was unlikely I'd ever be able to have kids. Here's the weird thing-I never WANTED kids. But not having kids was MY choice & now that choice had been taken away from me.

I became very angry & destructive-to myself & others. I did drugs & got into a lot of fights in which I was very violent & caused more than a few injuries. It was 6 momths before I told anyone about the rape. I figured there was no chance the cops could do anything about it, but I wanted to tell them anyway because one of the guys was a known sex offender. Maybe they could stop him from hurting someone else.

By some kind of miracle, I ended up w/the best cops & lawyer on earth. They thought of EVERYTHING & made me remember things I'd forgotten-like my clothes in the closet, among other things. During the investigation, one of the guys [the slow kid] killed himself & left a note that basically turned the other 2 in. The outcome: they are both in prison for a long time.
There's a lot more to this story, but I've gone on long enough & I'm afraid I'll go over the word limit! That was almost 2 yrs ago & I have done a lot of healing, though I still have more to do. I've learned how to manage my anger & most of the time, I can overcome my fear & I'm starting to trust people again, though not as easily as I used to.


by abbenormalon 4 Jul 2005

Labels: I was almost 18 and pretty naive

posted by Robert Heard at 8:17 AM