Conflict in a Relationship

Conflict in a Relationship

Number One Rule in Relationship Conflict Management:
Taking the conflict at hand into perspective, how will this conflict appear in 20 years? If it appears for lack of a better term, stupid, then the conflict is usually isn't worth continuing. Usually a conflict that wouldn't hold significance with 20 years retrospective analysis, isn't worth the conflict it is currently causing. Usually, the conflict is being fueled by underlying issues that have nothing to do with the current topic of argument.

Number Two Rule: Conflict, in relationships that are usually older than 3 years, serve to enhance passion, as long as the conflict follows a set "rules of rules". Conflict that doesn't follow a "code of engagement" is doomed to be destructive. Sarcasm rarely has a place in conflict resolution. Sarcasm usually acts to "cut" and put someone in defensive posture. Defensive posturing doesn't add to conflict resolution.


If you are going to be in conflict, make sure it is worth the trouble.



Three Basic Types of Conflict:

*Two of which are necessary.

Conflict that has no potential resolution and is based on individual differences*

Conflict that has positive potential to create passion*

Conflict that is destructive and is driven by our needs to control

Kind of ironic how two people that initially come together with positive chemistry and sparkling eyes can turn on each other in a flash and wage a war of verbal ferocity that cuts so personal and deep that they end up despising each other. So you might ask what could possibly be considered positive about conflict in a relationship? Well, the answer is passion. In the early stages of relationships we rely on brain chemicals and hormone responses to drive our attractions. These chemicals put us in the mood to be in the presence of the other person. Then, while in the company of this other person we decide whether more non chemical based affection develops out of admiration and respect for this other person. If this happens, then a serious relationship blooms and progresses. However, a funny thing happens next. As we spend more time with the other person and the initial hypnotic effects of the courtship chemicals wear off, and each person begins to remember that they are also an individual, not just a couple. When this occurs, individual desires and priorities come back into focus. If the couples priorities differ from time to time conflict develops. This conflict can be more intense when both individuals feel strongly about their point of view. Here conflict is engaged to maintain and affirm each individuals identity. Conflict that arises out of different points of view doesn't need resolution, but needs mutual respect.

In relationships where the courtship chemistry has warn off, conflict can be engaged in to create passion. True passion will recreate the courtship chemicals. It is more necessary as the age of the relationship progresses to engage in structured safe conflict to enhance passion. This resolution of this type of conflict creates the waves of passion. Women have an innate sense of a relationships need for this because they are emotions based. Again, this type of conflict needs to be accepted, not fixed, but its resolution engaged as a process. It is important that this type of conflict have a mutually agreed upon set of rules for engagement and resolution. Breaking out of these accepted rules throws the conflict into the destructive type that is considered control oriented conflict.

Control based conflict is usually where most relationships head south and disintegrate. A unique "dance" of control arises out of each person's attempt to drive the relationship away from areas that may be perceived as uncomfortable and is amplified by a person's insecurities, which are usually based on "old baggage". This type of conflict is driven by subconscious insecurities and has the highest percentage of "selective amnesia" when it comes to a person taking responsibility for their controlling behavior. This type of conflict has no "real-time" psycho-spiritual growth potential for either party, and because of the negative issues that drive this control oriented conflict, the damage that occurs often ends the relationship.

The Solution:

May a conscious effort to stop momentarily at any conflict and think to yourself

Is this conflict about differences in opinions That is allowable and doesn't need resolution.

Does this conflict come when passion is needed or wanted in a relationship?

If this feels really uncomfortable, voice that discomfort, and ask for compassion in what may be irrational feelings.

Inject humor into the diffusing of uncomfortable conflict. This is not to be confused with sarcasm, which has no place in loving relationships. Sarcasm is condescension personally directed to put a person into a defense posture. Sarcasm is offensive and meant to control. Life was meant to be fun. Humor is fun.



Constructive fighting maintains each persons sense of value.

Destructive fighting destroys a persons sense of worth. People don't like to feel worthless.

Women fight from emotion

Men don't understand emotion.

Men fight from logic

Logic doesn't hear emotion.

When a man to does anything else but listen in any conflict started by a woman. This would be the same as trying to play racquetball without a racquet, and without any clothes. When a man tries to talk in that conflict, he now walks onto the court "exposed" to a partner wielding a racquet and many hard rubber balls. Not quite the place to be dangling around.

Don't interrogate when communicating. People don't like to feel like they are on trial.

Don't blame

Explain why you are angry.

DON'T HIT

Verbal attack can be just as damaging as physical.

Don't try and fix a mad woman. Just let her be mad and it'll usually just goes away. Try and fix mad, or rationalize her anger to her and your goose is cooked.

If you walk away from a fight, set a time to come back. Don't walk out indefinitely just to spite her. Bad move, bad results.

It is alright to disagree.

Agree that it is alright to disagree.

Constructive fighting enhances passion in a relationship that is no longer in the honeymoon stage.

If you fight, fight naked.

Labels: Conflict in a Relationship

posted by Robert Heard at 7:28 AM