How to Deal With a Spouse's Previous Marriage

How to Deal With a Spouse's Previous Marriage

Whether you're engaged or have already been married to that wonderful mate for several years, the idea of your spouse's previous marriage can be hard to stomach -- especially if the ex is on bad terms with both of you. This how-to is written to help people deal with their spouse's past marriage.


Assess the situation. If everyone involved wants to try to get along (which is especially important if there are kids being shared), make an effort to be cooperative. Realise that your spouse's former partner is a human being; if he/she is making an effort to treat you with respect, you should do the same. If you're in a situation where the ex is being uncooperative or worse, accept that there's nothing you can do except try to ignore him or her. The best way to combat immaturity is by ignoring it. If he or she doesn't get a reaction, he/she is likely to give up.
Deal with the children. Don't try to act like you're their biological parent. They will grow closer with you in time; let them set the pace. Do not hold resentment against your spouse for having to pay child support (if this is the case). Realize that when you accept your spouse into your life, you accept all of his/her baggage as well. Learn to think of the child support as a bill that one of you aquired, but both of you accept and pay together -- much like credit card balances aquired before your marriage.
Don't dwell on the past. It's likely that your spouse wants to move past the choices he/she made in the first place, so dwelling on it will never help.
Learn to be happy. Be grateful for the fact that you and your spouse found each other. Be glad that you are both happy. Don't think of yourself as the "second wife" or the "third husband". Numbers are only for the ones in the past -- you are simply your spouse's husband/wife, and he/she is yours. It's as simple as that.



Dealing with a spouse's previous marriage can be very difficult, especially if you came into the picture soon after (or perhaps during) the divorce. Try to be patient. Support your spouse -- he/she likely needs it because a divorce (especially a messy one) is very stressful.
Difficult doesn't even begin to describe the sacrifice what encompasses a person who has never been married or has children that comes with a partner who has a an ex. After 30 years of marriage to a person who had an ex, either I didn't get it or he still doesn't get it. Oh! there is a child who is involved although now a thirty something adult. Over the years you simply become burned out over the sharing of holidays, what to say and what not to say in front of the child. The ex doesn't like what you serve for dinner. You tirer of waiting at home for your partner to return after every weekend sleep over of the child/children; tirer of his/her depression when the child/children can't come over. So,if you are needy, and desire to matter first forget it, it ain't gonna happen. My solution and you can probably can tell by now that I still habor pain, is to make sure you have self time. You are not, nor will you ever be a step parent, at best your are an in-law, and not neccessarily one who is appreciated in that role by your mate, his ex, his family, or his ex in-laws. Water and vinegar does not mixed, nor doesn't the concept of extended or blended families. When the partner has to interact with the ex - get busy, that is your time to renew, rejuvenate, spa, sky-dying. Get with the girls book club, or the guys sport thing. Participate in the ex gatherings if invited, if you want to or not. Some of us can not handle baggage, and drama. Just remember you will never, never, be first.

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posted by Robert Heard at 7:52 AM