Identifying Your Old Baggage in marriage

Identifying Your Old Baggage in marriage

Those who have not done their personal homework regarding any leftover baggage from previous failed relationships are self-condemned to repeat one loss after another. One would think that their still being single after many years might indicate a need for an inner change. However, there are those who refuse to make those changes. Rather, they continue to superimpose their perceptions of what constitutes shortcomings in those who have been discarded on to others who come into their lives. It's a lose-lose situation and, until they decide to finally get rid of their old baggage, they will continue to disappoint new loves who are truly good people.
Some of the more common montras oft repreated by those who have determined to wallow in their self-imposed singleness include...
I can't find anyone whom I can trust.
Everyone lies to me.
I've never done anything wrong to these people.
I don't need counseling.
It was their faults--not mine.
Everyone abuses me.
Why is it so hard to find a nice person?
How come no one cares about me?
Everyone always ends up doing me wrong.
It's the old story of the person who claims that the whole world is crazy and they are the only sane person. When it's everyone else's fault and not our own, we are in trouble. So are the people who think that they want us in their lives.
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Everyone Has Old Baggage...
The fact of the matter is that all of us mess up with other people--especially those to whom we are closest. Anyone who refuses to accept their own culpibility, or even the slightest acceptance of being wrong at all from time to time, is clueless regarding what it takes to mature a relationship.
The bottom line is that when we fail those who love us best, a heartfelt apology and a willingness to make those necessary inner adjustments go a long way in rounding out and strengthening what two people share together. Conversely, leaving your mate with the understanding that they are always wrong, no matter what, has a way of eventually bringing a relationship to a definite conclusion--and usually with a "Thud!" as the door slams shut and we are left alone.
Men who are blind to their over controlling natures and self-centeredness will never experience reveling in a truly warm and loving relationship. Women who cannot get past their mistrust and tendency to build a list of perceived offenses will never know the joy of being loved and cherished by a good man.
Furthermore, there are few relationships where one of the parties is totally at fault when it fails.
Yes, he was a drunk. However, did he become an alcoholic because he is an idiot or did she place such constant pressure on him and nag him to the point where he turned to booze for relief? No one would argue that he was absolutely wrong to allow himself to give in to alcholism. Yet, anyone who effects another individual so negatively that they become more vulnerable to such things has to admit some culpibility.
Yes, she did run off with another man. Still, if the affair was based on sex only then there can be no doubt that the the title "adulterer" is a just one. On the other hand, if the affair was based on a real relationship where two people found each other on every level because their mates were not willing to do the same, then there is obviously enough blame to go around.
The natural tendency is to blame others.
This writer recalls those times when his children would sometimes place the blame on their siblings for something they did wrong just to avoid the consequences. Yet, mature adults should be expected to take responsibility for their own errors, especially where they impact those who love them best. The sad truth is that there are those who simply cannot see their own shortcomings. Like a horse wearing blinders, they only see the faults of others and are completely unable to see how they affected those faults by their own actions or inactions.
They just won't grow up.
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How Does One Get Rid of Old Baggage?
1. Listen to Others: Stop twisting what others say to fit your own perceptions of why a relationship is struggling. Those who love you are trying to show you something that you are refusing to see, let alone accept and correct.
2. Recognize the Symptoms: If your relationships continue to sour and self-destruct; if good people seem to tire of you once they get to know you better; if you are still single after many years then, gosh, don't you think it's time to go look in the mirror?
3. Get Some Help: There are many self-help books that are available. Also, a good counselor can point out those areas where we need to reevaluate our attitudes and approaches to love relationships.
4. Forgive the Past: Instead of repeating the faults of those others time and time again, stop blaming them and begin identifying where you were at fault. Forgive them and take responsibility for whatever part you had in the failure of the relationship. If you can't seem to do this, then go back and read the three preceding points again and again until you snap out of it.
The bottom line is that no one should enter into a primary relationship with someone who is still carrying their old baggage. Such relationships, if they can be called as much, simply do not last. They either turn very ugly or one person wisely walks away but no less hurt by the experience.
Idealistically, all those who are high risk relationship destroyers would be pre-qualified and then boycotted. No one would put up with their absolute refusal to excercise their own demons. They would be forced to turn to each other for human companionship, resulting in a mass canibalizing of each other's souls. Instead of devistating the lives of good people, they would only be allowed to feed upon each
other.
However, in the real world, such people still manage to sucker others into their very confused and misconceived worlds. Only those who are wise enough to allow their better sense to take charge of their hearts will escape such people, thus, minimizing the emotional damage.
Perhaps this article will wake up some of those who are troubling others with their old baggage.
If not, maybe it will help those who are being victimized to recognize the danger signs and remove themselves from what is predestined to end up being a very desimating experience.

Labels: Identifying Your Old Baggage in marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 7:12 AM