WOMEN CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU

WOMEN CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU?

I was recently on a call, coaching a group of therapists across the country. The conversation turned to women accepting the unacceptable, which happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves with women. One of the male therapists on the call was relieved to hear this perspective from a woman. He then stated with absolute confidence that his wife trained him to be the man he was. He was clear that she would never allow him to treat her poorly...and so he doesn't.

It was an interesting comment to hear coming from a man. The content wasn’t as surprising to me as the fact that he was so certain that his wife had trained him how to behave (his words). He knew to the core of his being that his wife would not accept unacceptable behavior from him--period. He said that he meant to treat his wife well, but as a young man (48 years ago) he didn't know when his behavior was out of line and learned from her clarity of direction. He knew that in his younger years he would say something or do something that he thought was fine only to find out from her that it wasn’t. He stopped as soon as he realized she wouldn’t accept it.
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December 11, 2009 in WOMEN | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING 101: THE MUST HAVE INGREDIENTS (PART II)

Below are the remaining five tips for being a good parent as a follow up from my last post.
1. A BACKBONE AND GOOD BOUNDARIES: Doing the right thing as a parent is incredibly hard. Seldom are our children going to run up to us and give us a hug after we take their phone or computer away. Often our rules are met with back talk and a thousand variations of “I hate you!” We need good boundaries (read my post on boundaries for a refresher). We need to know that they’re struggling to handle their anger and don’t always mean what they say. Now, of course, if our child is seventeen and still saying that…we may need to be a bit more worried.
2. WARMTH AND ABILITY TO SHOW LOVE WITH ACTIONS AND WORDS NOT JUST BY PROVIDING FOR: I’ve worked with many adults who were impacted by the lack of affection of their parents. They had mothers who were great at dinners, housework and limits, but had no idea how to be affectionate or warm. This isn’t okay. As parents, we need to do our own work and make sure we can be good parents to our children. Children want to be -- and feel -- loved. It’s our job to make sure we show them they are. Give hugs, say you love them, pat them on the back, be playful, ruffle their hair, etc. WARM UP. If this is hard for you then get help—your children need it.
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December 09, 2009 in PARENTING | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING 101: THE MUST HAVE INGREDIENTS (PART I)

Parenting is the most difficult job in the world to do well. It requires love, guidance, limits, patience, acceptance, amazing boundaries and healthy self esteem. Yikes! How many people in the world have all of the above? Below is a cheat sheet of what I have found to be the most important aspects of good parenting:
1. CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF: It is vital that you see yourself as a competent, able individual. If you don’t, your children will see right through your insecurities and be forever testing you. You need to remember that your children are much younger and less experienced in life than you are. Have faith in yourself and your ability to guide them. Know that some of your decisions are not going to be liked and that is okay. Also know that sometimes you will not know what the right decision is. Not knowing the right move just makes you human, so don’t fret. Get help -- ask other parents for advice, read parenting books or talk to professionals. No one knows everything.
2. WILLINGNESS TO SET LIMITS: Know that kids need limits. When they don’t have them, they feel out of control…and begin to act out of control. Be clear about what is and is not okay in your home and explicitly state those rules to your children. Also, clearly state in advance what the consequences will be should they choose to disobey the rules.

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December 07, 2009 in PARENTING | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
AFFAIRS AND THE OTHER WOMAN: LIES OTHER WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES

With all the hype about Tiger Woods and the alleged other women, I thought I'd address affairs from a different angle. Below are myths that many of the other women in the world believe. While I understand how and why they believe these stories, let me be clear that they are all MYTHS.

1. I’m his true love. You may feel like his true love, however chances are his wife was also his true love at first. Most relationships are intimate and great in the beginning—your affair is no different. Affairs are easy to be intimate in -- you don’t have the demands of kids, jobs, finances, keeping things interesting after being together for ten years, etc.
2. His wife is cold and doesn’t know how to keep him happy. His wife is not the cold, frigid witch that you may think she is or that he may paint her to be. I know many married couples who were having sex throughout the man’s affair and reported being happy with one another. Not everything the man tells you is true. More often than not, he’s lying to you the same way he’s lying to his wife; you’re no different. I can’t tell you how many other women were hurt to find out that their lover and his wife were still having sex. The other women were shocked to find out that the men were lying to them too. Don’t think you’re above his lies—you’re not. Be careful about thinking his wife is a cold witch because some day he’s likely to say the same about you.

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December 03, 2009 in AFFAIRS | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of sarcasm everywhere. Whether it’s watching my own family, my friends’ families or the families of my clients, sarcasm still has that same familiar sting. Sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkasmos or sarkazein, which means to tear flesh, or to bite the lips in rage.

The purpose of sarcasm is to mock others. The better the cut-down, the funnier we think it is. Sarcasm hurts because it is meant to hurt.

Sarcasm is often an unspoken truth, judgment or resentment wrapped up as a joke. We throw out a comment and then follow it up with a smile or a chuckle and think that’s okay. It’s just a little joke. Unfortunately, the smile or chuckle does not soften the sting.

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November 30, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS

For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot. Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1. Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree. Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future. Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with. Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them. You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say.
2. Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets. When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things. Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it. They begin to think it’s not worth their breath. That’s when the distance happens. Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3. Learn to make clear agreements up front. For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call. Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m. There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.
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November 24, 2009 in RELATIONSHIP TIPS
SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Is your relationship mediocre or toxic? Many people know when their relationship isn’t as good as they would like. They realize there’s something missing, yet they think most relationships are missing something. Where people get stuck is in realizing when a relationship isn’t ideal versus when a relationship is toxic. Here’s a quick list of signs that your relationship may be toxic:

1. There is any type of physical abuse going on in the relationship. If there is any physical abuse going on (hitting, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, slapping, etc.) then your relationship is toxic. This is true even if the abuse happens only twice a year. What you need to know about this is that abusers will abuse no matter who they are with—it’s not about you. It’s about the abuser. The bottom line is that abusers rely on others to allow their abuse.
2. One partner is having an affair (or multiple affairs) and is not willing to give it up. When you stay with a partner who’s having an ongoing affair, it is toxic to your system. You start questioning your own attractiveness, you begin to hate the fact that you “can’t” seem to leave and you begin to cling to your partner out of desperation. Your fear of losing your partner results in your accepting all sorts of unacceptable behavior. The ripple effect of your staying in this situation is self esteem issues, depression, lack of self respect and even physical/health problems.

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November 20, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL IN TACT:-)

GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL INTACT
Regardless of whether you love the holidays or dread them, they can be very stressful. Many people are trying to manage work, home, holidays, in-laws, traditions and finances all at once. Under the best of circumstances this can be somewhat daunting. If you’re also the one entertaining, it can be that much harder.

You can make it, however, with minimal damage if you pay attention to the following holiday and entertaining tips:
1. Be yourself—not who you think everyone else wants you to be. If you’re not into the finest china and most beautiful décor, then don’t try to force it. Don’t try to put on a show for others. Play to your strengths and don’t sign up for guilt. If you tend to be more laid back, then have a laid back dinner.
2. Relax and use your boundaries. Remember that other people’s upsets are not always about you. Don’t try so hard to make everyone happy; instead just provide a calm environment in which people can be themselves. Remember that some people love family gatherings while others hate them. If someone in your family’s off by themselves, don’t take it personally. Let them take care of themselves and you take care of yourself.

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November 18, 2009 in HOLIDAYS | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
FROM HOUSEWIFE TO PARTNER: ARE YOU COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE SWITCH? Teamwork in Relationships

I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he's home. So I can't play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.” When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the "housewife" name when he's at home ;).”

I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking. I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children. Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home. Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is. Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would. They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him. They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.

The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem. If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role. The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear. Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships. It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.
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November 11, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS, WOMEN | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
SELF-CONFIDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU THROWING YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS TO HELP OTHERS FEEL BETTER?

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
Mariann Williamson

Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad. I see this process especially with women. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t brag, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us. What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything. If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me. And—it’s not being a good friend.

The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend. It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women. At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining. I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her. She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life. It was inspiring on many levels.
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November 09, 2009 in AUTHENTICITY | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?

More and more couples are feeling the ripple effect of a struggling economy. Layoffs are a reality for many couples. Even those couples who currently have jobs are often fearful they won’t have them for long. Couples are struggling to get through these times without losing their homes, jobs or entire savings.

Not surprisingly, all these concerns can take a toll on relationships. Under increased stress, couples tend to fight more, have less patience with one another and can distance from one another if they’re not careful. Fear and anxiety can leave us all somewhat ragged if we don’t keep it in check. For those couples feeling the stress of the economy, here are a few tips to help you to stay centered and connected through the stress:

1. Remember that you’re a team. The reality is that what effects one of you, affects both of you. If you’re the one who is facing a layoff, remember that it is not just your issue. Talk to your partner about what’s going on so you can both put your heads together and address the issues as a team. When one partner tries to handle everything alone it creates distance between the couple. It also uses only half the resources available. If one partner is particularly anxious about the future, it’s helpful for the other partner to try to be more grounded. A little anxiety is fine, however it will not help your family if you are both feeding off one another’s anxiety. Someone needs to be the calm voice that says things will be okay. It’s okay if that role shifts back and forth—as long as that voice is somewhere in the equation.

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November 05, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
MEN, WOMEN AND ANGER: SHOULD THE WORLD ACCEPT RAGE FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?

A blog writer from the blog Tres Sugar in the UK writes in a post: “While uncontrolled anger or physical violence is nothing for either sex to be proud of, does it bother you that women are expected to be ashamed of their anger since society often tolerates male rage?” http://www.tressugar.com/5455426

I found this to be an interesting comment. My take is our society should stop tolerating male rage, NOT, start tolerating female rage. Rage is abusive regardless of whether it’s coming from a man, woman or child. The last thing we need is to be more tolerant of rage rather than less tolerant.

What do you think?

Challenge: Read the link and tell us what you think.

November 03, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
REMOVE THE PHRASE “YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE” FROM YOUR LIST OF RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP


In my work with couples, I’m constantly hearing men tell their partners, “You’re too sensitive”. They often say this in response to the women complaining about how the men are speaking to them. The women complain that the men are harsh or derogatory in how they speak to them and the men complain that the women are too sensitive.

Ironically, I had to chuckle this morning when I corrected my son about his tone and his response was…yep you guessed it: “Mom, you’re too sensitive”. Actually, I would’ve chuckled I suppose, if I weren’t so annoyed by the dismissiveness of the comment.

Many people believe that if they don’t intend to have a tone, that they don’t have a tone. Many also believe that if they don’t think they’re being disrespectful or speaking harshly, then they’re not. Because they don’t agree with the complaint, the problem must therefore be that the other person is too sensitive.
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October 30, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
YOUR SILENCE AND INACTION—IS ACTION: CALIFORNIA TEEN GANG RAPED AT HOMECOMING—WHILE 15 OTHER KIDS WATCH!!!

I am so appalled as I write this that I can barely contain myself. A 15 year old girl was brutally gang raped at Richmond High School in California by at least 4 males for TWO HOURS. As she was being raped, the word got out and more and more people showed up… to WATCH! In the end, there were reportedly FIFTEEN bystanders who stood by and watched her be sexually assaulted so bad that she had to be life-flighted to the nearest hospital.

Can you imagine this poor young girl being gang raped and hoping and praying for someone to see what was going on? People start to come and she thinks “Thank God, they’re going to save me!” The next thing she knows some of those hopeful “saviors” become her rapists. As more and more people come, she realizes that she is on show and not one person out of the 15 bystanders is going to do a damn thing to end this. They watch for TWO HOURS. They WATCH for TWO HOURS…without a word to stop it; without a call to the police; without a text message to a parent; WITHOUT A THING!!!

Every single boy who raped her, as well as every single accomplice who watched, should be arrested and sent to jail. When they sat there for TWO HOURS watching that crime, they took part in committing it. There will now be a thousand articles about the bystander effect to explain this horrendous incident. I’m sure the parents of the teens watching will cling to this as an excuse for their son WATCHING FOR TWO HOURS while this young girl was being brutally gang raped. There is no excuse. Every single parent, whose son watched this crime and did nothing, should be walking their son to the closest police department and putting his butt in jail. There is NO excuse for becoming a spectator to gang rape as though it was a sporting event.
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October 27, 2009 in VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

When we first enter relationships it seems as though our relationship IQ is in the genius range. We’re loving, great listeners, good sharers and incredibly supportive. The longer we stay in relationships, however, it seems as though some of us develop relationship dementia -- we simply forget how to be in a relationship.

This effect is similar to the one I see when I’m training therapists across the country in Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy Model. When I’m running a workshop, the therapists are quite adept at speaking about the concepts of the model when we are in lecture format. When they are placed in a role-play situation, however, their IQ’s drastically decline. For the participant role-playing the therapist, it’s as though there is an IQ vacuum that sucks 50 IQ points out of their brains—and adds 50 IQ points to the therapists who are observing. Because this phenomenon is so universal, we all laugh, normalize it and have a lot of empathy for the person in the “brain-drain chair.”

Regarding relationships, however, the brain-drain is anything but a laughing matter. It seems the longer a person is in a relationship, the larger the brain-drain effect. This is particularly true around supporting one another. Couples in the honeymoon stage are brilliant supporters. They are encouraging, understanding and great motivators. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship there is very little to lose by encouraging your new loved one to take risks, leave their job, start a new business, etc. Your finances, future and children are not wrapped up in that risk. As the relationship progresses and your life is more intertwined with your partner’s, this level of support is much more difficult to give.

Labels: WOMEN CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU

posted by Robert Heard at 6:43 AM