Thursday, January 14, 2010

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Use the Pain of Infidelity to Make Your Marriage Stronger

Use the Pain of Infidelity to Make Your Marriage Stronger

The roller coaster ride that comes with infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and depression.



By: Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph. D.


"I've been with someone else." Those words are like a wrecking ball that crashes through your life. The roller coaster ride that comes with infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and depression. It may seem like your marriage is over... but it’s not.

While you may not think so, your pain will force you to grow. Pain is our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow stronger. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself and your marriage.

What I have told thousands of people in your situation is, “You can use this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to the end your marriage. If you choose the first statement, I promise that I can help you have a different marriage and the healing will begin.

I know it’s easy to blame your spouse and especially the other person involved, but it’s much harder to look at yourself and ask, “Was there something lacking in me that made my spouse want to connect with another person?” Thousands of men and women, just like you, have learned how to use the pain of infidelity to make their marriages better than ever!

We were married for 8 years when I finally found out my husband was cheating. The crazy hours, nights, weekends - how could I have been so naïve! I lost all respect for him and felt so violated. If it weren't for the kids and lack of finances, I would have left. Over time, we learned to tolerate each other. He was sorry for what he did but I made him pay for it everyday.
One night I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 2:00 A.M. there you were on TV talking about why people have affairs. It was hard looking at myself and for the first time understanding that what I said, what I did and what I didn't do, all contributed to him finding someone else. You were right, it takes 2 people to have an affair and once I took responsibility for my part, the healing began." Shannon T. - Lexington,

For 23 years I've helped couples understand the reasons why infidelity has happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again. I have never found a case where a man or woman woke up one day and spontaneously decided to go out and have an affair. It’s a decision that happens due to months or years of neglect and being taken for granted. If you use infidelity as a wake-up call, you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

Why Infidelity Happened In The First Place?

Here is an eye-opening fact that Oprah had me repeat 3 times when I was backstage on her show. It really does explain the "Why" of marital infidelity.

A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is with a woman. When he doesn’t feel good anymore he’s going to find another woman who does make him feel good. That’s what an affair is all about. It’s not that he’s in love with the other woman. What he’s really in love with is the way he feels about himself when he’s with the other woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman will say to me, “Dr. Ellen, now that I’m in love, I feel beautiful, I feel sexy, I feel special and needed.” We have a right to feel like that for the rest of our lives, and when we don’t, we try to find someone else who will make us feel good.

I was doing a radio show in Texas and a man called up and said, “I don’t believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and just had to call you up to tell you that what you’re saying is so true. For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn’t put into words why! My wife is pretty, she’s intelligent and she’s the pillar of the community. But the truth is that I feel like ‘nothing’ when I’m with my wife and I feel like a ‘king’ when I’m with this other woman.”

I spoke to a woman who had been married for 9 years and started to have feelings for someone she worked with. She said, “My husband is successful, smart, good-looking but the other guy makes me feel beautiful and special.”

Many people think that if they were better-looking or had more money, then things would be different. It’s not about getting thinner, better looking or making more money. Some of the wealthiest people in the world are by themselves; some of the most beautiful
people on earth are lonely. This is about how another human being feels about themselves when they’re with you. So, it isn’t about me, but how does my husband feel about himself every time he’s with me. And, it isn’t about my husband, but how do I feel about myself when I’m with him. If we both make each other feel so good about who we are, why would we ever want to be with anyone else?

We have the ability to make another human being feel that they are important, special, attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, wanted and needed. That’s what a loving marriage is all about and that’s the lesson that needs to be learned. If you do, your spouse will never
again want to be with anyone but you!

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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Infidelity.

Infidelity.


By Danine Manette


Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity
You've found the evidence, have confronted your spouse, and are now trying to figure out if the marriage can be repaired. You are wondering if you will ever love, trust or be able to get over the hurt, rage and jealousy which results from discovering your mate had an affair. You feel all alone in your grief and are wondering what comes next in this process. Well, let me walk you through the steps, and what you can expect to find down this long, dark road toward recovery.


Step
1
The initial shock. This is the phase where you are simply in disbelief. You cannot comprehend that your spouse was physically or emotionally intimate with someone other than yourself. You start piecing the puzzle together and realize that so much of your reality was actually a lie. During this phase you are simply in a fog while you try to make sense of what is going on and figure out if this is all some sort of bad dream.

Step
2
Rage. You begin to realize that this is actually happening and not some cruel joke. During this phase you may become physically ill and find you are simply unable to get out of bed, go to work, or interact with others in your world. It is not uncommon for you to have episodes of crying, throwing things, breaking objects, screaming, fighting, and generally behaving way out of control. You cannot see past the anger and may choose to express your rage in ways that are dangerous, unhealthy, or illegal.

Step
3
The desire for revenge. This is the point where you are the most dangerous. You are not thinking clearly and simply want to enact revenge upon those who you feel have wronged you. You may begin plotting and planning ways to get back at either the other man/woman, or your spouse. Thoughts of a revenge affair move to the fore-front of your mind and you may begin thinking of who you can sleep with in order to even the score with your spouse. You start looking for ways to bring down your spouse's lover by hurting him/her personally, professionally, or financially. Please remember, this phase will pass, and pure emotional decisions rooted in pain often lead to actions which one later regrets.

Step
4
Letting go of the anger. At this point the initial, violent, active rage subsides and you are left with a dull ache and the feeling of being emotionally wiped out. This is typically the time when you can begin to entertain the notion of reconciliation, or begin taking steps to end the marriage. Although deeply hurt, you begin thinking more logically and are not as consumed with revenge but rather are more interested in taking an assessment of your life, goals and where you would like your marriage to go from here. You begin focusing a little less on the other man/woman and more on your spouse and the mess they have made in your marriage. During this phase, you are often simply too tired to fight, cry or re-live the horror 24 hours a day, and are beginning to desire closure, one way or another.

Step
5
Picking up the pieces. If you are planning and able to put your marriage back together, this is the point where you need complete, unwavering, total cooperation from the cheater. He/she needs to know that this is going to be a looooong, drawn out process, which will only be longer if they set up roadblocks to your recovery. Things the cheater does which hinder progress include, refusing to answer questions regarding things that you have a right to know, continued contact with the other man/woman, minimizing the situation or putting the blame back on the victim, or setting a time limit for when the victim should be "over it". All these things are detrimental to the recovery of the relationshipand make it nearly impossible for there to ever be true healing. If you are not planning to put your marriage back together then this is the time you need to begin seeking space and time fillers. I don't mean people that you run to on the rebound and then screw up their lives for the sake of your recovery. I mean activities and interests that you move to the front of your life in order to fill up the empty space left by the loss of companionship. This will be a lonely time but if you choose to sit around sulking and feeling sorry for yourself, you will remain in this space indefinitely.

Step
6
Learning to trust again. This is a difficult phase regardless of whether you are trying to repair your current relationship or begin a new one. I don't advise beginning a new one anytime soon, however, because you need time to heal and be comfortable being with yourself before bringing another person into your world. If you are trying to rebuild your marriage, learning to trust comes only from seeing a cheater lay all of his/her cards on the table and them making their life an open book. This is an extremely long, slow process which plain and simply can only improve with the passage of time. Once enough of your mate's stories check out as true, and when you can feel with complete certainty that he/she is no longer communicating with the other man/woman, then you are on your way to learning to trust again. But, as previously mentioned, if the cheater is not helping you along in the process then it simply will not work. Additionally, if you are dealing with a serial cheater, or one who continues to cheat even though they have vowed fidelity, this process will never end. Therefore, you likely can not, nor will not, ever rebuild the trust necessary for a healthy marriage.

Step
7
Dealing with triggers. Triggers are certain names, places and events which painfully remind you of the time your spouse was having an affair. Perhaps it is a certain song that was popular during the time of the affair, or a restaurant or motel he/she told you they visited. Triggers also come in the form of seeing someone who reminds you of the other man/woman or hearing their name. Often looking back at old photos will become a trigger if in the photo you are standing there smiling at the camera, unaware that your spouse was sleeping with someone else at the time. There is really no remedy for triggers or way to avoid them. The only thing to do is to keep from obsessing over them and driving yourself crazy about things which you cannot control.

Step
8
Setting realistic goals. This is the point when you need to figure out whether or not you will be able to continue in your present relationship. Of course, it will never be the same, and following traumatic events you must settle into your "new reality". But, can you continue to live in this manner? Do you feel comfortable that you will be able to trust your spouse again and not keep beating them over the head everyday with questions and comments about the affair? Have they taken responsibility for their actions, tried to repair the relationship, and vowed never to repeat the behavior? If so, and if you feel that with time the relationship can be fixed, then moving on in your marriage is a realistic goal. If on the other hand, your spouse refuses to acknowledge the affair, will not answer questions, behaves suspiciously and continues contact with the other man/woman, you need to ascertain if you can indeed continue to live with this. If not, then reconciliation is not a realistic relationship goal. Only you can do the assessment here, and although input from others might be nice, in the long run you need to take this time to access what is in your best interest yourself.

Step
9
Finding a healthy new self. With or without him/her, you will recover and you will be okay. Yes, it does take time, but you will emerge from this a healthier, stronger more aware person. Hopefully you will recognize that you cannot entrust another individual with total responsibility for your happiness. During this process, you should do quite a bit of soul searching in order to discover if there was anything you could have done differently to strengthen the bond in your relationship. Becoming too needy, and overly dependent upon your spouse is never a good thing. Therefore, you need to develop hobbies, friends and interests of your own. That way if your relationship does not work out, you have a cushion to fall on, and if it does work out, you have used this experience for personal growth. There is a lot to be learned about yourself, your spouse and your relationship following an affair. Be sure not to look past the lesson, in order to stay focused on the pain. Remember, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

THE SEXUAL DANGERS OF SPANKING CHILDREN

THE SEXUAL DANGERS
OF SPANKING CHILDREN

Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children was published in 1994 and last revised in August 2002. Copyright is waived on this publication and it may be freely reproduced and disseminated. For readers' convenience, a PDF version of this publication may be viewed and downloaded at www.nospank.net/sdsc.pdf. For further information about corporal punishment of children, visit www.nospank.net and, for information specifically about its sexual implications, visit www.nospank.net/101.htm. Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization. Direct all inquiries to PTAVE, P.O. Box 1033, Alamo, CA 94507, e-mail ptave@nospank.net or call (925) 831-1661.

“It is a disgusting and slavish treatment which would certainly be regarded as an insult if it were inflicted on adults... And consider how shameful, how dangerous to modesty are the effects produced by the pain or fear of the victims. This feeling of shame cripples and unmans the spirit, making it flee from and detest the light of day...”

Quintilian, A.D. 35-95


“But what you would not so readily believe upon my affirmation, was that there are persons who are stimulated to venery by strokes of rods, and worked up into a flame of lust by blows... A strange instance what a power the force of education has in grafting inveterate ill habits on our morals...”

Johann Heinrich Meibom, physician, 1629



By TOM JOHNSON

Spanking, defined as slapping of the buttocks, is a form of hitting and thus of physical violence. That fact alone should make the spanking of children unacceptable by the same standards that protect adults, who are not as vulnerable. However, there is more to spanking than simply hitting: spanking also trespasses on one of the body’s most private and sexual areas—the buttocks. To fully address the wrongness of spanking children, therefore, we must consider not only the issue of physical violence, but also the issue of sexual trespass. While the harm of spanking’s physical violence has been thoroughly explained and demonstrated over the past century in a vast body of academic literature, scientific research, legal treatises, and relatively recently in the popular media, it is quite rare that the sexual consequences of spanking are openly and seriously discussed. This pamphlet aims to raise public awareness about the sexual aspects which make spanking an especially inappropriate and even dangerous way of disciplining children, whether it is done by parents, educators or other caretakers. While this pamphlet focuses on “spanking,” the most seemingly benign form of physical punishment, the arguments raised herein apply equally to paddling, switching, caning, strapping, or any other mode of forcible buttock-beating.

Buttocks are a sexual zone
Like women’s breasts, the buttocks are a sexual or erogenous part of the human anatomy, even though they are not actually sex organs. This is why baring one’s buttocks in public is considered indecent as well as unlawful and why their exposure in movies or on television constitutes nudity. It is also why someone who uninvitedly fondles another person’s buttocks is treated by law as a sexual offender. The sexual nature of the buttocks is explained not only by their proximity to the genitals, but also by their high concentration of nerve endings which lead directly to sexual nerve centers. Hence, the buttocks are a major locus of sexual signals.

Children are sexual beings
The sexuality of the buttocks is significant not just to adults, but to children as well. Even though they are sexually immature and without an active sex drive, children are from birth neurologically complete sexual beings who are capable of experiencing erotic sensation. The existence of pedophiles, furthermore, means that children can also become the targets of sexual intentions. As much as we might like to imagine childhood as an innocent, carefree world beyond the influence of sexuality, we do children a disservice if we fail to recognize that they too have erogenous zones which deserve consideration and respect.

Spanking as sexual violation
Since children are sexual beings and since the buttocks are a sexual region of the body, we should question the propriety of slapping children’s buttocks. We generally understand that fondling or caressing a child’s buttocks is a sexual offense (even if the child does not understand it to be so). We also know that slapping an adult’s buttocks is a sexual offense (even if the offender does not get sexual pleasure from doing so).

The question, then, is why slapping a child’s buttocks is not considered a sexual offense. Is it because spanking, unlike fondling, is physically painful and used to punish misbehavior? No, or painfully spanking a misbehaving adult would not be a sexual offense. Is it because children are less likely to be sexual targets than adults, less likely to feel violated, and therefore protected less strictly? No, or fondling an adult would be a far more serious crime than fondling a child. A more plausible explanation for this breach of logic is simply that the majority of people are unable or unwilling to believe there could be anything indecent about a practice as old, common and accepted as the spanking of children—something which nearly everyone has received, given or witnessed at least once. And since spankings typically come from esteemed or even beloved authority figures, many people are loath to question this behavior.

In any case, freedom from sexual violation is one of the basic tenets of liberty most revered by Americans and by most of the free world. As this principle of inviolacy applies to adults, it should apply equally, if not especially, to children, who are below the age of consent. Spanking children may be a time-honored tradition, but any tradition that so gratuitously disregards their inviolacy deserves to be discontinued.

Some argue that spanking is justified or even commanded by the Bible, specifically the Book of Proverbs. There is a distinction, however, which should be of key interest to fundamentalists, between the practice in King Solomon’s day of beating people on the back and the modern American habit of buttocks-hitting: the latter is not prescribed anywhere in the Bible. Moreover, it should be kept in mind that the Old Testament contains passages which could be (and in some cases have been) construed as divine endorsements of wife-beating, racial warfare, slavery, the stoning to death of rebellious children and other behaviors that are outrageous by today’s standards. As Shakespeare once wrote, “The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.”

Spanking as sexual abuse
As in ages past, there are people today who are sexually excited by spanking. This trait, which is often expressed in pornography and associated with sadomasochism, is known in scientific literature as flagellantism. While many flagellants seek to engage in consensual spanking between adults, some find the spanking of minors to be either more arousing or more opportune.

Since children in this country up to eighteen years old can still be legally and forcibly spanked by parents, guardians, teachers, school principals and other child care professionals, it is often easy for flagellants to obtain positions where they can sexually abuse children with little or no fear of repercussions. As long as society sees spanking as a legitimate act of discipline, and as long as the spanked youths are presumed to have “deserved” it, sexually abusive spankers have an effective moralistic disguise for their true motives. History, court records and current events contain numerous cases of flagellant sexual abuse against defenseless victims, and there is no telling how many instances have gone unreported.

Some adults might rationalize: “Well, I know my intentions are purely nonsexual, so there’s nothing wrong with my spanking a child.” The main problem with this rationale is that it fails to consider all the children who are at the mercy of other adults, among whom there will always be some with motives that are not so pure – and not necessarily obvious. Even spankings that have no sexual motive contribute to the cover that sexually abusive spankers depend on, affirming the old alibi: “Hey, lots of people spank their kids. So what’s the big deal?”

Spanking and psychosexual development
Even without sexual motives on the part of the punisher, spanking can interfere with a child’s normal sexual and psychological development. Because the buttocks are so close to the genitals and so multiply linked to sexual nerve centers, slapping them can trigger powerful and involuntary sensations of sexual pleasure. This can happen even in very young children, and even in spite of great, clearly upsetting pain.

This kind of sexual stimulation, which undermines any disciplinary purpose and which most people would agree is unsuitable for children in any context, can cause a child to impressionably attach his or her sexuality to the idea of spanking. This fixation may endure to cause problems in adult life. Or, on the other hand, the child might react against these unseemly feelings of pleasure by repressing his or her sexuality, so much perhaps that as an adult, he or she has difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure and intimacy.

An additional danger is that the confusing mixture of pleasure with pain will become the basis for permanent sadomasochistic tendencies. Sadomasochism, in which a person takes pleasure in inflicting or receiving pain, drives behavior that is destructive to oneself and to others, and therefore to society at large. While the intensity and background of individuals’ sadomasochism varies widely, the great majority of studied cases point to the same primary cause: childhood whippings, usually on the buttocks.

The odds that spanking a child will lead to psychosexual aberrations would be difficult to calculate. However, the fact that there is any chance of these problems occurring should be reason enough to abandon the practice. (It is important to note that even children who are never spanked themselves can be negatively impacted by seeing other children punished this way.) The risks are completely unnecessary.

Spanking and modesty
Imagine your reaction if an authority figure, having discovered some misdeed of yours, pinned you across his lap and began slapping your buttocks. Painfulness aside, most people would consider this a rude, inexcusable assault on their modesty, no matter what they had done to “deserve” it.

Many people might assume that children, especially very young children, are too ignorant or naive to feel such indignity, or perhaps too impressed by the physical pain of spanking to care about much else. The truth is, however, that spanking can seriously injure a child’s sense of modesty. When a child is old enough to be told by adults to act modestly (which is not merely a social requirement, but also a wise precaution against potential child molesters), that child is likely to internalize and develop modesty as a personal value that will increase with age. This value persists even though the child might lapse into immodest behavior from time to time, as most children do. Consequently, the child whose buttocks are slapped may experience deep and lasting sexual shame, especially if the punishment is done in front of others or involves a state of undress. Actually, there are some adults who consciously emphasize this humiliation as part of the punishment (and some, for that matter, who do not limit spanking to younger children or even to preteens). But just as inflicting sexual shame is an unthinkable punishment for adults in any civilized society, it is surely an outrageous way to treat children.

It is a strange inconsistency, furthermore, for adults to exhort children to modesty while punishing them in a way that aggressively denies their modesty and privacy. Such mixed messages tend to confuse children or make them skeptical toward adult authority. Especially if adults hope to instill children with strong values of modesty, self-respect, and respect for others — values that become very important through the trials of puberty and adolescence — adults should teach by example and refrain from the disrespectful practice of bottom-slapping.

Conclusion
It is not disputed that spanking has a sexual side as well as a punitive side. Indeed, our popular culture and media suggest there is wide awareness of this fact, however unspoken. Society has nonetheless failed to squarely address the serious implications of spanking’s punitive/sexual duality. Considering the power of sex to corrupt, along with the coercive nature of punishment, we should be alarmed at the very idea of discipline through spanking – all the more so when it is directed at a group of people as powerless, fragile and unsuspecting as children.


EXPERTS’ QUOTES

“Spanking on the buttocks can produce definitely erotic sensations, including sexual orgasm, in some children. Some of these children have been known to cause themselves to be spanked, by misconducting themselves on purpose and by pretending distress while receiving the desired ‘punishment’... The frequency with which this happens is not known, although it may not be altogether rare... The spankings in these cases may have been given for the adult’s own perverted gratification (‘sadism’); or at least there might have been culpable awareness and toleration of the child’s sexual reaction on the part of the adult. ...Only some decades ago perverts masquerading as governesses or tutors were reportedly anything but rare in some European countries.”
J. F. Oliven, M.D. Sexual Hygiene and Pathology (1965)

“In many cases, the avowed disciplinary value of flagellation in schools and colleges was a mere pretense to enable sadists to secure sexual titillation.”
George Ryley Scott, historian, sociologist, anthropologist. The History of Corporal Punishment (1938)

“When a child is hit on the buttocks... [t]his kind of violent touch can be sexualized in the child’s mind not only because of a real flow of blood into the genitalia, but also because of a longing for intimacy with the parent: if painful physical touch is the only fulfillment of that longing, then this can “feel good.”
Shere Hite, sex researcher, sociopsychologist. The Hite Report on the Family (1995)

“These are the realities that most of us remain eager to deny... So long as children are beaten by adults, the obsessions with domination and submission, with power and authority, with shame and humiliation, with painful pleasure – all hallmarks of sadomasochism – will remain an enduring consequence of the ordinary violence and coercion done in the name of discipline... Sadomasochism is not an aberration; it is inherent in corporal punishment...”
Philip Greven, professor of history. Spare the Child (1990)

“I have had constantly to do with neurotics in whom sadistic feelings were first aroused by corporal punishment; after the sadistic impulse thus awakened has been repressed and forms the starting points of very malignant aberrations about which it would be very disingenuous to aver that they would have developed without the free use of the rod... The number of those who are harmed through beating, especially upon the buttocks, is undoubtedly very great... Even one who passionately contemns sexuality will hardly be inclined to deny that the corporal punishment induced well-marked sexual stimulation—although the gluteal region is not within the domain of the genital organs.”
Oskar Pfister, physician, psychoanalyst. Love in Children and its Aberrations (1924)

“Frequent spankings, too, may have a negative impact on sex development. Because of the proximity of the sex organs, a child may get sexually aroused when spanked. Or he may so enjoy the making up that follows the punishment that he will seek suffering as a necessary prelude to love. There are many adult couples who seem to need a good fight before a good night.”
Dr. Haim G. Ginott, child psychologist. Between Parent and Child (1966)

“Advocates of corporal punishment in schools should examine very carefully the weight of evidence now available and, particularly in light of the pornographic component, consider whether they can justify the continuation of a system with such a capacity for exciting unhealthy interest.”
British Psychological Society, “Report on Corporal Punishment in Schools” (1980)

“Being beaten excites children sexually because it is an intense excitation of the erogenous zones of the skin of the buttocks and of the muscles below the skin...”
Otto Fenichel, M.D. The Psychoanalytic Theory of Neurosis (1945)

“Ever since Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Confessions, it has been well known to all educationalists that the painful stimulation of the skin of the buttocks is one of the erotic roots of the passive instrument of cruelty (masochism).”
Sigmund Freud. Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality, VII (1905)

“The adult flagellant fantasy, in short, always derives from the infantile one. As with all sexual perversions, we are dealing with a variety of arrested development...that puberty and subsequent experience have been unable to dislodge... We need to examine its roots in childhood...”
Ian Gibson, The English Vice (1979)


NEWS REPORTS

The New York Times (12/22/92)
The director of a Manhattan junior high school for children at risk of dropping out was arrested yesterday and charged with sexually abusing a 14-year-old boy who was a ninth-grader at the school, officials said... [Investigator Robert] Viteretti said that on two occasions [the director] asked the boy into his office, then closed and locked his door and pulled down the boy’s pants and underwear. ‘He would start spanking the boy for his own sexual gratification, and stroking and caressing his genitalia,’ he said...


The Sacramento Bee (3/26/95)
PHOENIX — The headmaster of a private school has been arrested and accused of forcing a 15-year-old girl to remove her clothing and kneel in prayer while he struck her with a wooden paddle. The girl’s mother witnessed the paddling, too frightened to do anything to stop it, Phoenix police said... The teen’s 6-year-old sister, waiting in the next room, also heard her sister’s cries for help, police said...

Her mother had brought her there to consider enrolling her in September.

Police say Michael William Wetton told the girl during her 75-minute ordeal on Feb. 24 that he wanted her to understand corporal punishment, which is used to discipline students at the school... After Wetton’s arrest, some parents directed anger at the police... “The Bible says to use the rod,” [school board member Rosemary] Rice said, adding that the arrest “is an assault on Christian beliefs.”...

As part of the orientation, Wetton reportedly took the girl to a room alone and told her to take off her clothes. Crying, she removed everything but her bra and panties. Wetton then struck her once with a wooden paddle. Wetton then reportedly forced the girl to disrobe completely, made her kneel as if in prayer and struck her across the buttocks. Then, police say, he forced her to grab the edge of a table, spread her legs and submit to another swat. Finally, he made her bow down to him and recite the Lord’s Prayer.


The Plain Dealer (Cleveland)
(8/19/97)
ELYRIA—Raymond Boyle could get two years in prison after pleading guilty yesterday to child endangering for spanking his teenage daughters with their pants down.

Gary A. Crow, executive director of Lorain County Children Services, said the case shows how blurry the line can be between discipline and abuse.

Ohio law permits use of reasonable corporal punishment, but prosecutors said Boyle’s methods were a mental risk to his daughters, 15 and 13...

Amherst police Detective Alex Molnar said Boyle, 39, required his daughters to strip naked from the waist down before spanking them last year.

Officials said one girl was spanked three times, with the first in January 1995 and the last in April 1996; and the other was spanked in April 1996.

Molnar said they confided the humiliation to a school counselor after the April incident. Molnar said the girls were punished by their father repeatedly for minor things, including misbehaving on the school bus or disobeying his rules...


The News-Times (Danbury, CT)
(12/3/96)
LITCHFIELD, Conn. (AP) - A little league coach accused of repeatedly spanking a little girl after pulling down her pants has been charged with sexual assault.

Ronald Ellis, 30, of New Hartford, was in Bantam Superior Court on Monday. He was released on a written promise to appear in court.

Ellis has been charged with fourth-degree sexual assault and risk of injury to a minor in the October incidents...


The Gazette (Montreal) (10/31/00)
Amanda Green was being a naughty 7-year-old and knew it on that day 13 years ago when she played with the water and climbed on the toilets in the girls’ bathroom at Greendale elementary school in Pierrefonds.

She and her girlfriend were caught by their teacher, and Amanda knew shewas in for it when she was sent to the principal’s office.

David Wadsworth, principal of the school, immediately said he would see the girls individually. When it was Amanda’s turn, the Grade 2 student nervously entered Wadsworth’s office.

What she had done was wrong, Wadsworth told her, and now he was going to let her pick one of two choices for a punishment: either he would tell her parents and teachers what she had done and take away certain privileges, such as recess and gym; or she could take off her pants and panties and let him spank her as he would his own child, and no one need ever know what had happened.

“Can’t I leave my underwear on?” asked Amanda. No, she vividly remembers Wadsworth telling her, embarrassment is part of the punishment.

Amanda, a feisty child, knew she shouldn’t have to remove her clothes. She didn’t like either punishment, she told him, defiantly. Perhaps taken aback by someone willing to stand up to him, Wadsworth told her to leave his office and never again brought up the incident.

Amanda’s friend chose the spanking.

Wadsworth has pleaded guilty to possession of child pornography - pictures and videos of children being spanked - as well as to sexual assault and gross indecency against eight former students at a Pincourt elementary school. Amanda Green, now a Concordia University student, finds herself haunted by how many other children might have chosen to be spanked on a bare bottom by a man everyone believed was a sweetheart principal and a terrific teacher...


A letter read on BBC Radio 4’s “Any Answers?” (4/84)
“My partner is a retired headmaster of a prep school where he had the power to beat any small boy. He now spends a great deal of time and energy in contacting young men and women who are willing to be beaten, as this is the only way he can get sexually aroused.”


The Philadelphia Inquirer (4/10/95)
...He is 61, small, heavy, not particularly noticeable. Barbara, his second wife of 15 years, knows about his addiction and continuing recovery.

“If he’s late getting home, I get nervous,” she says. “I’m not concerned about him picking up a woman. I’m scared he’ll get caught being an exhibitionist.”

His father liked spanking him. It was humiliating and ritualistic, with his father always saying the slap of his hand on his son’s bottom “sounded like a drum or timpani.” His mother, 15 years younger than her husband, kept quiet. The result: “I’ve exhibited myself constantly with the attendant fantasy of a punishment scenario.” Spanking is what he sought. In fact, his first arrest was for soliciting two girls to spank him...


SUGGESTED READING

Charles, Jeffrey, Sin, Sex and Spanking School-Aged Children (1994). Online at www.nospank.net/s-chrls.htm.

Freud, Sigmund, “A Child is being Beaten: A Contribution to the Study of the Origin of Sexual Perversion” (1919). Reprinted in the Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud. (Consult a university library.)

Gibson, Ian, The English Vice. London: Duckworth, 1978.

Green, Gerald and Green, Caroline, S-M: The Last Taboo. New York: Grove Press, 1974.

Greven, Philip, Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse. New York: Random House, 1991.

Hyman, I. A., Reading, Writing and the Hickory Stick: The Appalling Story of Physical and Psychological Violence in American Schools. Boston: Lexington Books, 1990.

Krafft-Ebing, Richard von, Psychopathia Sexualis. (1886) (Translated from the German. Consult a university library.)

Maurer, Adah, Paddles Away: A Psychological Study of Physical Punishment in Schools. Palo Alto: R&E Research Associates, 1981.

Miller, Alice, For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing and the Roots of Violence. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1983.

Newell, Peter, Children are People Too: The Case Against Physical Punishment. London: Bedford Square Press, 1989.

Scott, George Ryley, The History of Corporal Punishment. London: T. Werner Laurie, Ltd., 1938, Republication: Detroit: Gale Research Co., 1974.

“Spanking Can Be Sexual Abuse” (Compilation). Online at www. nospank.net/101.htm

Straus, Murray A., Beating the Devil out of Them: Corporal Punishment in American Families. New York: Free Press, 1994.

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RACHEL'S TESTIMONY

RACHEL'S TESTIMONY

I just want to say that writing this testimony really took a lot of effort. I didn't realize how hard it would be to put the bad recollections of long ago into print, but I feel that it is worth it. Many people will not believe what happened here because it seems so unbelievable in much of today's world, but it did happen and happened more often than many realize. In fact a link on this site, I read where as recent as 1995 a religious school forced a 15 year old girl to completely disrobe for a paddling. This has no place in modern society and must be abolished!

Here is my story.

My parents immigrated from Germany in 1957. I was born in 1963 and in 1966 my parents were killed in a car accident. I became custody of the state of California and was placed in a "Christian" orphanage just outside of Los Angeles. This place became my home, school and church. Spanking was a very common occurrence and my first memory of it that stuck in my head was walking down the hallway to the lunchroom and seeing a boy in an adjourning hallway bending over a chair being paddled. I remember his noise of his crying would fluctuate everytime he was struck. My 1st grade teacher was not much of a spanker, but my 2nd grade teacher was an avid participator. When it was determined you had done something bad you would be called up to the front where you had to bend over her lap and she would lift up your dress hit you 4 to 6 times with great force. I received this punishment at least 25 times during the year.

It was my experiences in the 3rd grade that reminded me so much of Louise's experience. Everyone 6th grade and under had to be in bed by 8:00 pm. The principal, Mr. Montgomery, was a man in his early 40's, 6 ft plus and he would come by the living quarters to make sure everything was in order. At least once a week he would single someone out for an infraction and take him or her to his office for "some needed correction." The victim would always return sobbing and climb into bed and roll over to face the wall so no one could see their pain and embarrassment. When you asked what happened all they would say is they were spanked and that they were not to say anything else. Unfortunately for me and my friends Cathy and Stacy, our curiosity was cured in a most terrible way. One night about 8:20 were in our beds which were across the small walkway from one another. We were making burping noises at one another and giggling heartily. Suddenly Mr. Montgomery walked in and asked what was all the racket about. A girl in a nearby bed, probably fearing she would get in trouble, said "Rachel, Stacy and Cathy are burping on purpose and laughing." His face became contorted as he looked at us and said that this behavior was not acceptable and then asked us three to come to his office. We begged and pleaded for mercy and said we would not do it again, but it fell on deaf ears. He grabbed me with one arm and Cathy with the other and told Stacy to walk in front of him. We were taken to his office, which was located at the other end of the facility. We were three terrified 9 year olds and we continued to tell him that we were sorry, but we kept looking ahead as he lead us to his abode. He opened the door to his office, pushed us in and closed the door. He then began a long speech about how such bad behavior was not going to be tolerated and we were going to receive a reminder not to do it again. He walked over to us and told us to raise our arms up. He proceeded to remove our "sleeping smocks" which left us totally naked in the cold room. He then pulled his chair out from his desk, sat down and grabbed a paddle that was about a foot long. He told Cathy to come to him where he instructed her to bend over his knee. As she began to lean over, he put his free hand on her upper back and pushed her all the way over. He then placed the paddle on her buttocks and tapped it lightly a couple of times and then whacked her hard. I remember the screams she let out which sent shivers down my back. He would whack her and then let the paddle rest on her butt for about 5 seconds and then do it again. She would scream and try to move, but his left hand that was pressing on her back kept her firmly in place. After about 15 strikes he let her up and told her put her smock back on. He then motioned me to approach him where I received the same punishment. When he stuck me I felt as if my whole backside was burning. By the 5th or 6th hit, I was having a hard time breathing and was choking as I cried. What really make the event worse was his period of delay between smacks. What could have been done in 20 seconds or so was stretched into two to four minutes. When he was finished with me, he beckoned Stacy over who was given her beating. We then were told to get back in bed and he had better not catch us again participating in such behavior. I experienced this 3 more times in the 3rd grade, twice in the 4th, 3 in the 5th and the final 4 in the 6th. When I think about what would be the consequences today if it became known a teacher, and especially a male teacher, make girl's strip naked to receive a beating.

When I was in the sixth grade I was called down to his office for another of the many evening sessions along with three other girls, two of them fellow sixth graders and one a fourth grader. Again we were told of the evil behavior that we had exhibited and that we would receive 12 licks and then he told us to "get ready over the table." This meant completely disrobing by removing our smocks and bending over a long portable table. All of had been here before so we knew there was no point in arguing as that would only result in more whacks. After we were in position he became upset because Mary's (the 4th grader) butt was not on an even plane with the rest of us so he made her stand on two phone books. Can you believe this?! He's upset because he may have to stoop a bit and we are about to be beat! As always he took his time as he would whack one and then step to the next one until he arrived back where he started. After he was finished we were instructed to remain in position for several minutes while we thought about what had led to this. He would then go over and sit at his desk while we waited for his permission to get dressed and return.

When we would receive spankings from him during the day because of something bad we had done during recess or lunch, we did not have to remove our entire school uniform, we only had to lower our underwear. He would give us a choice between 15 whacks on our bare butt or 40 on our panties. Of course no one I knew ever took the panty route which is no doubt is the way he wanted it. He would tell us to pull down our panties and bend over the table. He would then use his left hand to push our skirts back and to keep us down. He would remind us that if we got out of position it would add another 5 licks to the ordeal. The first time I had my first daytime spanking from him (all of the previous daytime beatings were done by the class teacher) was about a month after I entered the 5th grade. I was given my options and after I lowered my underwear to just below my buttocks and bent over the table. He approached and said, "I want these here" as he used the paddle to push my panties to my knees, "and next time remember or it's an extra 5."

There isn't the slightest doubt in my mind that this man was a paedophile and his behavior was supported by this so-called "Christian" operation. How can anyone read about his behavior above and justify it as "needed correction." I probably received over 500 whacks during my 8 years there and there were others who got it a lot more than I did. I was 14 years old when I received my last attack, but 25 years later the memories still haunt me. When I was in the 7th and 8th grades I worked as an assistant in the administration office and I saw several students go to his office for their beatings. I would hum to myself or go into the supply storage room so I would not hear their cries. And even though he spanked both boys and girls, through my fellow classmates I learned that with boys, it was in and out fairly quickly. With girls he took his time. After reading Louise's account, one ponders how many times this type of violation has happened or maybe continues to happen. I shudder at the thought. About two years ago I became aquainted with the Internet and through it I have found many others who were similarly abused. I have even read a few of the so-called erotic school spanking stories found at various web sites and because so many of them are so near to what actually happened to me, I have no doubt that several who wrote them were victims themselves. They have come to erotisize the experience in order to cope with it. But I assure you, in reality there is nothing whatsoever erotic about it. It is cruel, inhumane and crime against innocent youth. I like the quote by Tom Johnson, author of the book "The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children" who said "It's ironic: Only those over 18 can legally buy spanking porn, but only those under 18 can be forced to submit to the real thing."

It's time to outlaw the beatings of kids.

You may post this as an experience because I strongly feel that this type of behavior must me made known, but please do not link my email address. If someone really wants to communicate with me, please send me a notice and I'll take it from there. I just don't want a bunch of the "stop whining" emails that the child molester supporters send.

Rachel

May 2000

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Child-spanking as Sexual Abuse

Child-spanking as Sexual Abuse
By Leila Holm
Child abuse researcher at Åbo Akademi University in Vasa, Finland
2005

CONTENTS

1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 The purpose of this essay

2. DEFINITIONS
2.1 Thoughts about physical violence
2.2 Sexualized violence

3. SPANKING AS SEXUAL ABUSE
3.1 The child's sexuality
3.2 The ritualized punishment

4. PREVIOUS RESEARCH
4.1 Thoughts about spanking prior to Freud
4.2 Sigmund Freud
4.3 Research after Freud
4.4 Attitudes towards spanking - opinions for and against

5. THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE ABUSE
5.1 Spanking and poor self-esteem
5.2 Flagellomania and other sadomasochistic behaviour
5.3 A feeling of having been raped

6. CONCLUSIONS

REFERENCES



1. INTRODUCTION

During my years of study at Åbo Akademi University in Vasa, Finland, I have come to specialize in the field of child abuse research. In Finland we have had an antispanking law since 1984, and studies show that this law has to some extent changed the Finnish attitudes towards child-spanking and other physical punishment of children; nonetheless, it would be Utopian to suppose that because of this antispanking law child abuse in Finland is no more. The number of children killed in Finland is steadily decreasing, but these are just a fraction of abuse cases, and the hidden figures will unfortunately remain hidden. No one can say for sure how many children are beaten in Finland annually by capricious and unpredictable parents or as a part of a more sophisticated ”upbringing”. The amount of reported cases of child sexual abuse is on a steady increase in Finland and has been so during the past decades. This increase may also be due to the fact that people seem to report child sexual abuse more often than previously, thus indicating that child sexual abuse is being recognized as a crime in the eyes of the common people.1

Beating has since pre-biblical times been an accepted form of child discipline, sanctioned by authorities. This makes it difficult for people to talk about the topic of child beating. It is an issue surrounded by taboos, and there is a risk of talking bad about one's own parents. Nobody truly wants to believe that their own parents would deliberately want to hurt them. It is within this context that I have chosen to talk about the sexual risks of spanking children. It is, as I mentioned, a topic surrounded by taboos, but it is also sometimes a conscious choice made by the adults not to see these risks. We are used to viewing children as asexual, despite the fact that Freud as early as the 19th century pointed out that the child is by no means sexually "slumbering." Freud was not the first to issue warnings concerning the sexual risks of spanking children, or lower discipline as it used to be called, although perspectives were a bit different then than they are today.

1.1 The Purpose of this Essay
The purpose of this essay is to try to shed some light on the part of child abuse research that scholars usually choose to close their eyes to, for one reason or another. The subject is by no means easy to chart, and there is always a risk of creating scapegoats out of parents who spank their children. This essay is not meant as a lecture. My intention is to make a hidden problem more visible – in Finland and all the other Nordic countries, spanking is illegal, but it still exists. These spankings may have consequences for children’s sexual identity development, and it is important to point out the dangerous mixture of force, power, violence and love that is at work. Creating clear limits for this essay has proven to be a difficult task. The previous research in this topic is vast, although very few of these works have actually reached Finland. It is easy to get lost in the jungle of research branches. The consequences of child abuse is a topic widely written about, and the main limitations I have been forced to make here. One cannot write about all these consequences in a single essay. Therefore, I have concentrated my research on the consequences that have to do with the child’s sexual and psychosocial development, such parts of life that have to do with sexuality, trust and partnership, relations and vulnerability. I will mention sadomasochism but will not cover it further. Nor will I discuss forms of child abuse other than spanking, i.e., slapping or otherwise striking the child’s buttocks.

Chapter 2 will deal with some of the definitions that are important to this essay. I am going to discuss my choice of terms and the difficulty of translating these from the English language and the different linguistic meanings of these terms.

Chapter 3 is an analysis of sexualized spanking as a concept and how this can be seen as abuse. I will also discuss the sexuality of the child.

Chapter 4 is a resumé of the most important research findings on this subject, along with a presentation of the two main viewpoints with respect spanking children, i.e., that of people who are in favour of corporal punishment versus that of people opposed to this form of discipline.

In chapter 5, I will be dealing with some of the most fundamental psychosexual and psychosocial consequences of sexualized spanking and how these affect the child’s development. Chapter 6 ends the essay with a concluding discussion.


2. DEFINITIONS

2.1 Thoughts About Physical Violence
In order to clarify the purpose of this essay, it is important to know what the concepts used in the texts really mean. In the Swedish language there is no verb that would equal the English verb to spank or the French verb fesser, both meaning to slap or smack the (clothed or, more traditionally, naked) bottom. In Swedish we use the word aga, but the meaning of the word is not the same. In Finnish and Swedish law aga is mentioned as forbidden. It is a word commonly used for describing any form of physical or corporal punishment of children. Thus, the law forbids any form of corporal punishment, including smacks, slaps, pinching, or hair-pulling. Even though the Swedish word aga is a word loaded with meaning and associations, it is a vague word to use in this context. The term ”physical violence” is also a vague concept, as it may include a lot of different varieties of violence. Save the Children Sweden (Rädda Barnen Sverige) uses this definition of physical violence/punishment:

Corporal or physical punishment is any form of punishment where physical force is used to inflict some form of pain or discomfort by striking the child with the hand or a cane, with a belt, strap or other object, to kick, toss, scratch, pinch, bite or pull hair, to force the child to stand still in uncomfortable positions, to lock it in or tie it up, to burn it, scald it or force the child to eat foreign substances or to wash the child’s mouth with soap.2

Still, this definition fails to capture the whole meaning of corporal punishment. Murray A. Straus, an American child abuse researcher and child welfare activist, uses the following definition of what corporal punishment is3

: Corporal punishment is the use of physical force with the intention of causing a child to experience pain, but not injury, for the purpose of correction or control of the child’s behaviour. This definition is also supported by Mercurio (1975).

We have here not only a difference in language use, but even a difference in the perception of what abuse and physical violence really is. In the countries where physical punishment of children is forbidden by law, the common notion is that all forms of corporal punishment is abuse and therefore illegal. One cannot use methods that would fall under the English word "spanking," since spanking is also abuse, and therefore illegal. In other countries, such as Great Britain, France and the United States, spanking is still allowed, and school spanking is common in about half of the American states. All of this information can be read at Project NoSpank’s website. In these countries, it is permissible to spank children--but not to abuse them. Therefore, the phrase but not injury is added to Straus’ definition. One wants to separate these two concepts by claiming that spanking cannot cause permanent injuries, and if such injuries would appear, they have not deliberately been inflicted on the child. The 20 ”spank-free” years we have had in the Nordic countries have changed our way of looking at these things, and already now it is hard to understand the past ways of thinking, but such thinking is the starting-point when dealing with issues of child abuse in countries which have not yet abolished spanking. In these countries, it is possible to hear this question: "Is spanking physical violence?"4

Since Swedish language doesn’t have a term equal to the English spanking, I have chosen to use the Swedish word stjärt-aga. The word stjärt means bottom. With this I mean corporal punishment inflicted on the child’s buttocks with the purpose of punishing or correcting the child’s behaviour5 .

2.2 Sexualized Violence
While the physical violence towards children seems to be on the decrease in Finland, reports of an increasing sexual violence towards children are being published.6 Abuse in the form of sexual violence could be anything from glances and comments to caresses and rape. Defining the sexual violence described in this essay is more difficult. Some authors, as for example Jeff Charles (2001), aver that the very act of smacking children on their bottoms with the intention of causing the child pain is per se a sexual assault, since the assaulted parts of the child’s body are erogenous zones (more about this later).

That bottom-smacking can have sexual implications and overtones is for most people not news. The fact that a simple Internet search for the term "spanking: yields a mixed result of pornographic and factual web pages says a lot. Some of the sources that I have used in this essay had to be ordered from publishing companies that also publish so-called flagellant literature. The fact that spanking traditions have evolved over extended periods of time confers distinct features on contemporary sexualized punishment scenarios.7 Thus, sexualized violence here means corporal punishment with sexual overtones.


3. SPANKING AS SEXUAL ABUSE

Those who have read the classic literature within the fields of Pedagogy and Childhood History know that the child’s life has often been filled with violence in the form of corporal punishment, both at home and at school. While some countries, such as France, abolished corporal punishment in schools early on, some countries developed sophisticated punishment rituals that came to play a major role in the development of the child’s psychosexual identity8 . Examples of such countries are Germany, the United States and Great Britain9 . These rituals became eroticised (and were often recounted in writing) by the children themselves and by adults remembering their childhood experiences. These rituals were prominent especially in Great Britain during the 19th century10 . Upon studying such literature, one can clearly see how the spankings raised mixed emotions of terror and fascination in the child who was watching, heard of, read about or personally was subjected to this type of violence.

3.1 The Child’s Sexuality
Shere Hite begins her Report on the Family with a question: ”Why do we deny the sexuality of the child?” Naturally, there is no easy answer to this question. One can imagine our own views of sexuality as something ugly and dirty being one reason why we do not want to accept the idea that our children would nourish such sentiments and desires – the thought of children as innocent and pure creatures is appealing to us11 . The fact that Developmental Psychology has made a clean break with Freud and his psychoanalysis is also considered to be an important reason why we tend to view our children as asexual. Freud was not, however, the first to describe the urges of the child in sexual terms (more about this in Chapter 5).

Michel Foucault12 describes how people were forced to change their way of thinking when the French authorities at the end of the 1970s started to consider legislation against sexual abuse of children.

What is emerging is a new penal system [...] whose function is not so much to punish offenses against these general laws concerning decency, as to protect populations and parts of populations regarded as particularly vulnerable [...] there are people for whom others’ sexuality may become a permanent danger. In this category, of course, are children.

Further in the same text, Foucault points to the fact that the sexuality of the child is of another kind than the adult's, with its own phases and grades of maturity, and that the sexuality of the adult may by no means enter the world of the child’s. This was a new notion in the 1970s, and from this we can conclude that the corporal punishments in school and in homes for centuries did not take the child’s sexual integrity into consideration.

Hite devotes a whole chapter to punishments and sexuality. She claims that spanking deforms the child’s sexuality and eroticism. Oddly enough, she does not consider boys to the same extent as she considers girls, although Money (1986) and Straus (1994) clearly point out that boys are in a greater risk of developing a masochistic personality than are girls. Girls develop faster than boys. A girl can reach orgasm already at ages four or five, while boys start to orgasm (without ejaculation) at the age of seven at most. Striking a child on the buttocks in this sensitive age means that the parent actually seizes power over the child’s body and by force gives a message that mixes power, violence and sexuality13 . John Money14 tells of a letter that he received after a lecture he gave in India:

During my schoolhood in a Christian missionary Anglo-Indian Institute in Calcutta we were (all boys) often caned on our upturned, upraised buttocks by the headmaster (with his attractive wife sometimes looking on and passing humilitating, sarcastic comments). Needless to say, this brutalized our love-maps and in certain cases brought about orgasms and a sickening addiction to the rod and a good whipping.

This example clearly shows how the child’s buttocks function as an erogenous zone.15 Children also talk about how they fantasize about spanking and use these fantasies as stimulants during masturbation. Freud was the first to (almost) create a conscious connection between children’s beating-fantasies and real, self-lived experiences during childhood.16

The child’s sexuality doesn’t pop up out of nowhere in the beginning of puberty but rather is there from the beginning and develops slowly from birth17 .

3.2 The Ritualized Punishment
What does this violence look like? Spanking (or beating, if you like) looks a little bit different in the three previous mentioned countries were corporal punishment of children is especially popular. In the USA, both girls and boys are commonly struck on their buttocks with a paddle, an implement that looks like a wooden cutting-board or a cricket bat. The verb used for this type of punishment is paddling. In Great Britain, children are being beaten with the cane, but also sometimes with a leather strap called a tawse18 . The cane is often applied to the buttocks, but also sometimes on the palm of the hand. (The same goes for the strap.) One must remember that school violence is currently abolished in Great Britain as well, but this does not mean that it does not exist. In addition, spanking is still very common in homes, and it is not uncommon of parents to use the cane, especially on their sons19 .

Another, equally important difference between the USA and Great Britain, is the fact that girls are not being punished by male teachers in Great Britain. In U.S. schools, on the other hand, girls as a rule are being forced to receive corporal punishment from males. This increases the risk of actual injury, as the man who beats her often is much bigger and stronger. Now, what drives these men?

As early as the 16th century, the Marquis de Sade wrote about teachers opening schools so that they could satisfy their sexual urges by beating children as they pleased. Gibson and other researchers state that these adults often are driven by sexual desires, consciously or unconsciously. One must also remember that the violence can be sexualized in the mind of the child quite independently of what drives the adult who spanks. Violence against a child’s buttocks is therefore dubious from different point of views.

Punishments of this kind can often be arbitrary. The ”crime” committed by the child can sometimes be purely fictional, invented by the adult, or a crime only if committed by a girl20 . It is also hard, especially in the US, for a girl to choose another punishment than the spanking. Boys are often given alternatives, such as cleaning or detention, while the girls are being made to choose between a week’s suspension from school and a spanking, all to make sure that the girl actually chooses the spanking21 . Below a quote from Charles:

[...] Females, unlike males, were not offered the alternative punishment of raking leaves since raking leaves was ”unladylike”. Having 17-year-old women spread their legs and bend over his desk while he stood behind each girl and brutally beat each girl’s sex area with six hard hits of a two-foot long board was, however, sufficiently ”ladylike” for Mr. Varney’s sensibilities22 .

Charles describes here how the young girls have to spread their legs and bend over the principal’s desk. The sexual implications are so clear that it feels unnecessary to mention them: a girl in this position is imitating sexual willingness and invitation to intercourse. That the punishing men in this case are seeking sexual satisfaction is being reforced by the projection of the personal desire by the phrase ”I am doing this for your own good23 .” To punish a child in front of an audience (before the class or before other adults), to force the child to undress completely or the lower body, to put a child over the knee so that the genitals are pushing against the body of the adult, are all elements that are there to add further humiliation and shame to the corporal punishment:

She [the teacher] once left our classroom for a few minutes, so I went to the front and started imitating her – and she came back and caught me, put me over her knee, pulled my knickers down, and smacked me in front of the whole class. It was very humilitating24 .

They make you spread your legs and bend over and put your hands flat on the desk. Then they rub the paddle lightly on your rear end just to kind of tease you, and then they hit you as hard as they can25 .

Shame is also a big part of the punishments that are being given to children by parents, at home. Charles tells of girls in their teen years who are being forced to undress completely before their fathers. In some cases the children are forced to wear diapers, to stand naked in a corner, or as Gibson describes it, are being humiliated and disgraced by the command: ”Kiss the rod!”26 In this way, child-rearing manuals that encourage parents to hit their children often serve as pornography for people who become sexually excited by discipline (masochists and sadists). Often, these punishment manuals bear forewords written by priests or other men of the church, who are being perceived as authorities by the parents. Such urges used to be called perversions, but are now being called paraphilias27 .



4. PREVIOUS RESEARCH

In this field of research, the literature can be divided into a pre-Freudian and a post- Freudian genre. The research of Sigmund Freud and his psychoanalytical theories have come to represent a milestone, as he was the first to recognize the fact that a child can harbor sexual feelings. In this chapter, I shall briefly comment on the common thinking before Freud, and moreover how other reseachers and scholars have developed the thoughts of Freud. Focus is of course still on spanking as sexual abuse.

4.1 Thoughts About Spanking Prior to Freud
Ian Gibson’s book The English Vice gives an excellent summary of the earliest research regarding spanking as sexual abuse. It is interesting to see how early on this notion actually surfaced. At the same time, one must remember that such warnings back then were hardly noticed or acted upon.

The first who tried to describe flagellation as a sexually stimulating act appears to be the German doctor Johann Heinrich Meibom, who lived between the years 1590 and 1655. Meibom published his findings under the name De Flagorum Usu in Re Veneria & Lumborum Renumque Officio, which was later translated into English under the title On the Use of Rods in Veneral Matters and in the Office of the Loins and Reins28 . The topic of this treatise was so surrounded by taboos that the books were kept behind closed doors until the end of the 20th century and a special permit was required to see them. Therefore, the book did not become as known as Meibom himself would have wished. The gospel of Meibom was that lashes from the birch rod or the whip could stimulate a man to erection. Flagellation was thus in Meibom’s eyes a universal remedy for impotence. Already here one can clearly see a connection being made between male impotence and sadomasochism, if only in another context. During this period, it was considered that heavy stimulus of the skin of the buttocks activated some sort or nerve reflex, so that the male could produce an erection. This was before the era of Psychology. A ”reflex” like this one would suggest that all impotent men who were flagellated would be cured, and that all who got whipped would produce an erection. Today we know that this is not the case29 . Meibom was, however, the first to issue a warning regarding spanking of children. He was also the first to realize that a taste for sadomasochism in the early years would stay with the person for the rest of his life:

By the force of a vicious habit gaining ground upon him, he practis’d a vice he disapprov’d. But it grew more obstinate and rooted in his nature, from his using it from a child, when a reciprocal frication among his school-fellows used to be provoked by the titulation of stripes. A strange instance what a power the force of education has in grafting inveterate ill habits on our morals30 .

The earliest described case of sexual sadism in connection with flagellation can be found in a letter written by the doctor J. M. Nesterus. The letter was written in 1672 and Gibson quotes for us the most important part:

I have known intimately a very learned man, whose name I shall omit for honour’s sake, who, whenever in school or elsewhere he sees a boy punished, unbreeched and beaten, and hears his cries, at once ejaculates semen copiously without any tension or erection of the penis but with such mental confusion that he could almost swoon, and the same thing happens to him frequently in sleep when he dreams of this subject31 .

In the turn of the 17th and 18th century, people started to more often question the so-called lower discipline, pointing out that it was a particularly cruel and degrading form of punishment and that it ruined the souls of young children. Instead people spoke for so-called upper discipline, which meant lashes upon the shoulders and back just as described in the Bible. Now the public started to seriously reflect upon the sexual implications of the spanking and beating of schoolboys, which during those times consisted of brutal blows of birch rods on the boy’s naked buttocks, often resulting in bloody wounds. The large number of prostitutes providing these sorts of services made people even more convinced. In some countries, such as France, the authorities listened, but the English schoolteachers in particular wouldn’t listen, and the beating of children in schools would continue into the 1990s32 .

The Confessions of Jean-Jacques Rousseau were published in the year 1782, and his first personal confession was this: as a schoolboy, he was beaten by a young woman and came to associate sex with spanking from then on. Rousseau was the first to ”come out” as a sadomasochist, even if that particular term was not invented by that time. He was even wise enough not to pass his "vice" on to the next generation – he always condemned corporal punishment of children in strong words, and spanking had no room in Èmile, his book about education of children. Richard von Krafft-Ebing, contemporary of Sigmund Freud, would also become one of Freud’s role models. Krafft-Ebing himself only followed the by-then classical track originally created by Meibom, that of the body reacting by reflex to flagellation. Freud took these notions and developed them further by recognizing the human psyche and, above all, the unconscious.

4.2 Sigmund Freud
As I already mentioned in chapter 3, the theories of Freud regarding child sexuality have been proved very important to the research within this particular topic. Freud’s discovery of the unconscious and the supression mechanism created new horizons for thought and the notion that it is possible to supress memories of unpleasant or unbearable episodes, such as abuse in childhood. His theories on children’s beatingfantasies that he published in 190533 give room for such an interpretion, although Freud himself preferred to put the blame on the child by calling it the seductive child. He was not ready to admit that these beating-fantasies really could be actual memories or memories transformed, created in the early childhood by one or both of the parents34 . The thought ”I am being beaten by my father” is not literary to Freud, but a masked, Oedipal wish expressed by the child35 .

4.3 Research After Freud
Many of the researchers and scholars who have studied the connections between corporal punishment and abberations in the psychosexual development of children, mainly focus on the fact that spanked children run a risk of becoming sadomasochists. Since main focus lies on this aspect, it is easy to be fooled into believing that this is the one and only consequence of beating, but it is of course not so. The human psychosexual reality consists of so much more than the actual sex life. In this chapter I shall briefly present some of the most important research results of modern time. As I already mentioned, these research results have been unambiguous: spanking of childrens’ bottoms can be dangerous to the development of the child. But few have chosen to listen. Oskar Pfister was a doctor and a psychoanalyst in the 1920s and says this in his book Love in Children and its Abberations:

I have had constantly to do with neurotics in whom sadistic feelings were first aroused by corporal punishment; after the sadistic impulse thus awakened has been repressed and forms the starting points of very malignant abberations about which it would be very disingenuous to aver that they would have developed without the free use of the rod ... The number of those who are harmed through beating, especially upon the buttocks, is undoubtedly very great .... Even one who passionately contemns sexuality will hardly be inclined to deny that corporal punishment induced well-marked sexual stimulations – although the gluteal region is not within the domain of the genital organs36 .

Otto Fenichel later revised Pfister’s opinion that the buttocks are not an erogenous zone. He talks about spanking of children’s bottoms leading to anal fixation that will make the bottom ”trade places” with the genitals as being the number-one erogenous zone37 .

Murray A. Straus was already by the beginning of the 1970s trying to make the American population aware of the dangers of the widespread abuse of children. Even today some 94 per cent of American toddlers are being spanked on regular basis38 . Straus also pointed out early on the sexual aspects of child-spanking. He moreover questions frequently the fact that child abuse researchers often choose to close their eyes to the sexual aspects of bottom-spanking, even those who unprejudicedly do research on incest and other sexual assaults on children39 .

John Money, a professor in Medical Psychology and Pediatrics, introduced his theory of Lovemaps in the 1980s. The term is meant to describe the routes which the individual’s mind must take to achieve sexual pleasure and satisfaction40 . The average child has a heterosexual map that includes no bigger complications, but if the child’s lovemap is being vandalized, the child will connect erotic pleasure to acts that for most people do not have anything to do with sex. Especially if the child is being punished by the adult for having played games of sexual curiosity, the child will connect pain with sex.

4.4 Attitudes Towards Spanking – Opinions For and Against
There is not enough room in this essay for a detailed presentation of the now prevailing attitudes towards corporal punishment. These attitudes can roughly be divided into two different camps: the conservative, religious fundamentalist one and the humanistic one. Child abuse and religious (Christian, Jewish, Islamic and Hindu) extremism are often closely connected as these individuals choose to interpret their religious texts in a very literal manner41 . These children grow up in an environment where they risk getting beaten for just about anything, especially for so-called character flaws or moral errors such as lying. Attitudes and opinions like the one of reverend Roloff from Texas42 , are common: ”Better a pink bottom than a black soul.” In these circumstances, Christian child-rearing manuals (by critics often called ”babywhipping manuals”) play a major part. Authorities in the field are, for example, James Dobson and the married couple Michael and Debi Pearl. The Pearls recommend training children from birth quite in the same manner as one trains rats or circus animals [sic!], so as to make the child absolutely obedient. They use twigs and switches from trees to reinforce this training.

Straus dedicates a whole chapter in his book The Primordial Violence: Corporal Punishment By Parents to confronting and refuting the most common defences of spanking, and Biblical interpretation is an important factor in these defences. He claims that the consequences of a strict father-image is an equally strict God-image. When the child grows up, this God-image justifies continual abuse of his or her own children43 . In the mind of the child, he or she is naughty and only worth loving after the punishment has been taken.

The fundamentalist (Judeo-Christian) approach is built on a couple of Bible quotes from the Old Testament (see for example Proverbs 3:12; 13;24; 19:18 and 23:13-14). These are without exeption quotes from Solomon, who is viewed as a particularly wise man. He recommends striking sons on their backs with canes (rods) to create red stripes. Often you can hear the words ”spare the rod, spoil the child” being quoted in the strong belief that these words are from the Bible, but they are not. This phrase is not Biblical, but from a satirical poem called Hudibras written by Samuel Butler in 1664. One lady wishes to flagellate her lover, Sir Hudibras, as says like this:

But since our sex’s modesty If matrimony and hanging too Will not allow I should be by, By dest’ny, why not whipping too? Bring me, on oath, a fair account, What medicine else can cure the fits And honour too, when you have done it; Of lovers, when they lose their wits? And I’ll admit you to the place Love is a boy, by poets styled, You claim as due in good grace Then spare the rod and spoil the child44 .

According to the poem, spanking is an erotic way of expressing love for one’s partner – you spank because you love. Love and pain are thus connected, according to Butler, and a description of pure masochism. Should one expose a child to such a confusing message? Opponents of lower discipline have always pointed out that this form of punishment is degrading and overwhelms the child with shame and humiliation. ”Nothing kills quicker than ridicule45 .”


5. THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE ABUSE

Although I have already mentioned in previous chapters some of the consequences that spanking has, this impact ought to be examined further, especially as it not always is easy to show how things are connected – children are not objects of research that one can subject to experiments. One is forced to reckon with with the proverbial question of ”Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”. Straus describes this dilemma. He speaks of the risk of the child showing sadomasochistic behaviour. How can this be measured or ”proved” in a way that does not violate scientific ethics? The only way would be to divide the children and their parents into two groups; the parents of one group would get the instructions to use corporal punishment as a way of disciplining their children, the other group would be instructed not to strike their children. After reaching adulthood, these subjects would be interviewed to see if they felt they were sexually aroused by sadism or masochism. And even then it would not be possible to prove that spanking was the sole factor46 .

5.1 Spanking and Poor Self-Esteem
Shere Hite is one of those who have chosen to view the child in a larger perspective. By interviewing both children and adults, she has devoted a whole chapter in her Report on the Family to the dynamics in families who use physical violence. Hite discovered early on that it was very hard for the interviewees to talk about how they were beaten as children and about the emotions these memories awoke in them. They often speak of themselves in degrading terms and thus show signs of poor self-esteem and shame.

Why didn’t you experience anger? – Probably because one cannot afford to get angry under such circumstances. After the punishment the child is expected to apologize, it is the child who is in the wrong. The child may not show anger towards the parent, the child may not morally condemn the parents. The child must only love and obey47 .

The child is forbidden to act and react in a proper way in these situations. The child cannot defend itself and often the child hears that the punishment will be harsher if the child tries to strike back or refuses to lay still. The connection between pain, fear and love starts early on – the pain and the fear comes from the adult’s actions, and the love is there despite the abuse: the child loves the parent, and the parent often says that it is because she or he loves the child that the child is being spanked48 . Charles speaks of bottom-spanking as damaging to the child’s self-image and its future safety:

When we hit the sex areas of children we violate their natural God-given sense of sexual modesty and dignity. Thus, with their resistance to adults handling their sex areas and hurting them in the process worn down by repeated ”spanking”, children are naturally more vulnerable to other sexually sadistic adults who would prey on them.

The child gets mixed messages at this point. The child learns early on that one is not supposed to show ”the private parts” to other people, and the adults tells the child not to talk to strangers or to get into a stranger’s car, the better to protect them from pedophiles and other predators. At the same time, the parents/teachers themselves break this code of decency by pulling down the child's trousers and spanking him or her49 .

5.2 Flagellomania and Other Sadomasochistic Behaviour
Ian Gibson’s The English Vice clearly shows how a whole culture can be formed around a phenomenon he chooses to call "flagellomania." With this term he refers to the abnormal fixation on everything that has to do with corporal punishment, and above all, the bottom as an erogenous zone and bottom-spanking. Human sexuality can thus form around this fixation, and flagellation often becomes the one and only thing that awakens sexual desire and leads to satisfaction50 . Such behaviour is commonly called sadomasochism. It is important to remember, however, that there is a difference between so-called moral sadomasochism and erogenous sadomasochism. Sadomasochism is nowadays no longer listed in DSM-IV51 , which means that this syndrome is no longer considered as a mental disease. However, research indicates that some parts of the sadomasochistic behaviour cannot be considered healthy, especially if indulgence in such behaviour52 is not by one's own free will. Money (1987) points out that sadomasochism is one of the many known paraphilias, which means sexual attraction towards objects (such as leather) or situations (such as punishment rituals). Typical of paraphilias is that the lust partner is not the same as the love partner:

It is more accurate to say that paraphilias are love disorders rather than sex disorders53 .

It can therefore be said that a sadomasochistic personality may lead to huge problems in the person’s loving relationships.

Moral sadomasochism, according to Fenichel, consists of an extreme submissive behaviour, among both women and men. Freud also talked about such behaviour, where individuals allowed themselves to be totally consumed by their partner in such a way that they ceased to exist for their own sake and completely dissolved their own personality54 . Fenichel gives us an example of such behaviour:

The patient imagined she was the penis of her exalted father, and thus his favourite and most important part [...] the fantasy of being a part of the partner’s body is the basis of ”extreme submissiveness”55 .

5.3 A Feeling of Having Been Raped
Hite, Stone, Gibson and Straus each give us accounts of both girls and boys who describe their spankings as akin to being raped. Here we are dealing with children who have experienced the bottom-spanking as a pure assault and continued to classify it as such, without transforming the incident to an enjoyable (and thus less threatening) experience in their imagination. This transformation process, according to Fenichel and Money, is a sign of infantile sexuality. Thus, one may conclude that these children show a more mature reaction, for which there may be many reasons. The most common reason is that the boy or girl comes from a home where corporal punishment has never been used as a method of discipline and the child has therefore an intact sense of bodily integrity. If this child is forced to submit to corporal punishment at school, for example, the reaction is often violent and the feeling of having been raped is obvious. A girl tells her story at Jordan Riak’s Web site, Project NoSpank, under the title "Rape: Lesson No. 1". I am going to quote here some passages to illustrate this feeling of rape:

I had been late three times to school and sent to the referral center, where I had to explain myself to a male administrative assistant. The teacher told me that I would be given a choice of three ”swats” or three days suspension [...] Picturing myself in that obscene position with a male administrator and a witness leering at me was a very frightening thought. I became nauseated and went to the school rest room, where I vomited [...] Before I knew it the words I dreaded were being said: ”I want you to bend over and lie flat on the desk, feet wide apart”. So, reluctantly I bent over the desk trying to maintain as much modesty as possible. I can still hear his next command: ”feet wider apart”. [...] The bruises lasted three weeks, and I had to be careful not to let anyone see them. I was terribly embarrassed and humiliated [...] I only know that this experience was the closest thing to a rape as I can imagine.

One can conclude that American teachers have chosen to close their eyes to the fact that bottom-spanking is experienced as a sexual assault by the child itself, and that pro-spankers likewise close their eyes to their own intentions. It cannot be only a question of punishing a child for errors made – that could be done in a much less sexualized manner. Is it a repetition of their own experiences of abuse from the time when they went to school? Is it religious conviction, the force of habit, or pedophilia? There is no room in this essay for such an analysis, but I intend to take a further look at this topic in other assignments. If we are to believe Gibson, the driving force behind assaults like these is mainly a sexual one.

6. CONCLUSIONS

Murray A. Straus has described the vulnerability of children like this: ”Corporal punishment does to the parent-child relation what wife-beating does to marriage." The child is indoctrinated to accept corporal punishment as a proper form of discipline and considers himself to have ”earned it” if he breaks a rule on purpose. Who deserves such a treatment? Can sexual assault of children ever be accepted as proper behaviour? In my opinion, one can never justify any kind of abuse of another human being, and children are human beings, too.

It is easy to be fooled into believing that this issue is no longer worth prioritizing in Finland, given that all parents in Finland already know that it is illegal to spank a child. Regardless of whether our focus is put on Finland or a more global perspective, however, we have to admit that thousands of children are suffering daily in one way or another. Margaret Stone has made an attempt to theorize this issue and make it more tangible, by dividing the countries of the world into five different categories:

1. Countries where corporal punishment is forbidden in school but practiced elsewhere

2. Countries where corporal punishment in school is officially forbidden but the ban is often ignored

3. Countries where corporal punishment in school is allowed and commonly practiced

4. Countries where corporal punishment is allowed both in school and elsewhere and is commonly practised in both school and in society at large

5. Countries where corporal punishment used to be banned but is now reintroduced or in the process of being reintroduced56

Stone's categories give us a clearer view of the factual problem. Number 5 is especially disturbing: countries such as Thailand have reintroduced corporal punishment on their agenda, and certain states in the U.S. are discussing the same thing. With this kept in mind, and with the knowledge that violence breeds violence, we get a pretty grim picture of the future. Hard work is needed to change attitudes, for as long as general society's attitudes toward corporal punishment and other forms of child abuse are positive or of a laissez-faire type, legislation will not have a big impact. The Nordic countries are perfect examples of how changes also in attitude may lead to fewer cases of abuse57 . Here, people have realized that the weakest members of our society are equally worthy of effective protection against assault, abuse and meaningless violence. At the same time, we must realize that things have their own order. In many countries, social unjustice is still a widespread problem, with women, the poor and minorities are systematically discriminated against daily. In such countries, one can find people who believe poverty and racism to be bigger problems that ought to be solved first, before focusing on the rights of the child. As a child abuse researcher, I must protest against such a statement. I believe that the neglect of our children ought to be remedied first, as these children inevitably grow up with such neglect as their only frame of reference and are thereby prone to pass it on to their own children. Peace on earth starts at home.

End notes

1 According to the recent study Crime Trends in Finland published by Rättspolitiska forskningsinstitutet i Finland (The Medico-Political Research Institute in Finland). www address available in the references.

2 Ett kroppsligt eller fysiskt straff är alla former av straff där man använder fysisk styrka för att orsaka någon grad av smärta eller obehag genom att slå barnet med handen eller med en käpp, läderrem eller annat objekt. Att sparka, kasta barnet, klösa, nypa, bita eller dra det i håret, tvinga det att stå still i obekväma positioner, genom att låsa in det eller binda fast det, bränna, skålla eller tvinga det att förtära något främmande ämne eller t.ex. tvätta munnen med tvål.

3 Straus, M.A., 1994, p. 4.

4 Straus, M.A., 1994.

5 Kroppsliga bestraffningar riktade mot barnets (nakna) stjärt i syfte att straffa eller korrigera ett orätt beteende.

6 Vasabladet June 21, 2005 (local Finno-Swedish newspaper).

7 Gibson, 1978; Johnson, 2001; Charles, 2001.

8 Gibson, 1978

9 Stone, M., 2002

10 Gibson, 1978; King et. al., 2003.

11 Hite, 1994; Green et. al., 2002; King et. al., 2003. 1988, p. 5

12 1988, p. 5

13 Hite, 1994; Straus, 1994.

14 1987, p. 273

15 Charles, 2001; Hite, 1994; Johnson, 2001.

16 Freud, 1905; 1919

17 Apostolides, M., 1999

18 Gibson, 1978; Stone, 2002.

19 Stone, 2002

20 Such an incident is described by Stone: a young girl is being physically punished for "parking her car on the lawn".

21 Charles, 2001; Johnson, 2001.

22 2001, p. 16.

23 Charles, 2001

24 French girl, quoted by Stone, 2002, p. 95.

25 American girl, quoted by Stone, 2002, p. 123.

26 Gibson, 1978, p. 200.

27 See for example Money, 1986, or Stoller, 1975.

28 Gibson, 1978, p. 1.

29 Fenichel, 1945; Stoller, 1975; Gibson, 1978; Money, 1986.

30 Meibom, 1629 pp. 14-15. Quoted by Gibson, 1978, pp. 3-4.

31 Gibson, 1978, p. 6.

32 Gibson, 1978; Stone, 2002.

33 In this essay I have used the 1979 edition

34 Hite, 1994

35 Freud, 1979

36 Love in Children and its Abberations was published in 1924 and the work is here cited by Johnson, 2001.

37 Fenichel, 1945, p. 359.

38 Straus, 1994.

39 Straus, 1994; 2000; 2002.

40 Money, 1986. Money's lovemaps are also mentioned by Straus, 1994.

41 See Grille, 2005, and Charles, 2001.

42 Quoted by Stone, M., 2002.

43 Straus, 2002

44 Quoted by Gibson, 1978, p. 49.

45 Gibson, 1978, p. 299.

46 Straus, 1994.

47 Hite, 1994, p. 60. Here the Swedish translation has originally been used. The original quote in Swedish is: "Varför upplevde du det inte som ilska? - Sannolikt för att man inte har råd att bli arg i sådana situationer. Efter bestraffningen förväntas barnet be om ursäkt, det är ju barnet som anses ha gjort fel. Barnet får inte visa ilska mot föräldern, barnet får inte moraliskt döma föräldrarna. Barnet måste bara älska och lyda.

48 Hite, 1994; Straus, 1994; DiLillo et. al., 2000; Green et. al., 2002; King et. al., 2003.

49 Gibson, Hite, Straus.

50 Gibson, 1978; Money, 1986; Gosselin & Wilson, 1980.

51 Haymore, 2002. DSM-IV is short for American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

52 Apostolides, 1999.

53 Money, 1987, p. 274.

54 Freud, 1979 edition.

55 Fenichel, 1945, p. 353.

56 Stone, 2002, p. 96.

57 Bensley et. al., 2004.


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