It has been very hard for me to deal with what has happened to me

It has been very hard for me to deal with what has happened to me. In reading these stories I have found a way to look at what has happened as a way to reach out to people who are going through this too, that is exactly what this site has done for me and before I start 'my story' I would like to thank all the people who have shared their stories and found the courage to write it out. I hope this isn’t too long...
In late June of 2004, I was molested for several days by my step-father’s stepdad, I called him papa. He came to OUR house and stayed the week for a mini vacation (he lives in Chicago). I was so excited and happy because this was a man I trusted and loved like my own grandfather. All though I was excited for his arrival, I was a little scary because a few months earlier, when my family and I went to visit him and other realities, we went swimming and I was soon left alone with only him. Long story short he held on to me and he put his fingers in between my bottom trap on my swim suit. So scared to tell anyone that I didn’t, being scared of opening up a door I have never seen. I soon began to realize the looks he gave to me when no one else was around, the way he touched me wasn’t like how he touched anyone else...but soon I buried all suspicion deep in my thoughts and over looked all signs that led up to the nights in June. He came into town and I was nothing but excited, later on that night I found him slowly moving his hand up and down my legs, we were in the living room and I prayed for my parents to walk in and disrupt this but he stopped and no way was I telling. A few hours later, it was time to go to sleep, I had to give up my room to papa, he asked me to watch TV with him, I couldn’t deny a guest, so I turned on the TV in the living area outside of my room, he said no lets go watch it from the bed. So I hesitated to get up, but I did. I sat on my bed and he laid down. He began to caress my arms and I held on to my remote and kept changing the channels. I could only wonder what would happen next. He started to kiss my check, then moved close to my mouth, I pushed him and said no, that did not stop him. He moved his fingers from the outside of my clothes to my bare skin. His fingers soon found their way into my pant and I was terrified. I said no I yelled no and nothing stopped, it only got worse. He began to rub my breast and kiss me any where he pleased. All through this he said "don’t tell anyone, no one, not even your best friend." I was so scared! This happened every night and every morning until Saturday (the 22 was a Tuesday). With every time we met, it seemed to get worse, I soon began to pretend I was asleep and kick and shove him off of me. I said no, and I never stopped saying it, one time when he kissed me I bit his tongue, nothing seemed to stop him, he held me down, and made me so scared. I was not planning on telling and to this day I don’t know why I did, but I am happy I did tell. Papa denied all of what I said and then a few months later came forward to one night. To this day he has not fully claimed his actions and we have a court date soon in March. I am terrified. Even though I am physically fine, emotionally I’m a wreck. I have to constantly remind myself there will be a tomorrow, and sometimes I take the hurt and pain out on myself. In a way I feel like each one of those nights he was asking if a wanted to die a little bit, because that is exactly how I feel.
Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read this, it means a lot to me.
by Lacyon 20 Jan 2005

Labels: It has been very hard for me to deal with what has happened to me

posted by Robert Heard at 6:55 AM