I don't know exactly how to start talking

I don't know exactly how to start talking about my story but to just let it out. I am now 20 years old and was 19 years old when I was raped by an acquaintance on my college campus. I was coming back from the library and I ran into this guy in a car after I got into my complex and we started talking. He said it was his birthday and there wasn't much to do on campus. I agreed because I was actually waiting for my friend while I was in the library. He asked me for my number so that we could hook up later on and find something to do around campus. I figured cool, that's how you meet people on a college campus and that's how I had met most of my friends. Well it turned out that he had lived right behind me and I ran into him on my way to my door and he said he would call me later. He called me later and said that he and some of his friends had found something to do and that they were drinking and going out and asked me if I wanted to come along and I could invite some friends, just come over his place. I went over to his place and as I tried to call some of my friends I started drinking. His roommate was playing songs and then another one of his friends came over. After I couldn't get in contact with my friends I decided I didn't want to go off campus by myself with three guys and I said I wasn't going and I was going to leave, we could go again some other night. They said that they were really bored and to have a few more drinks and call a few more times. I didn't think anything of it and I did. As the alcohol started to hit me I decided I wanted to leave. As I was getting my stuff the boy I had met grabbed me and started feeling and kissing me and I told him to stop and pushed him. He was holding me and pulled me down to the floor and my head hit the floor and knocked me into a daze. As I tried to get back up they turned the lights off and they took turns raping me. I tried to push myself up but I couldn't. I tried grabbing onto everything but they pulled me and pinned me down. I was so afraid to scream that I just gave up. When they were done they told me to put my clothes back on a get out. I ran out of the apartment and back to my apartment and found nobody. I was so scared that I ran to my car and locked myself inside. I called my best friend and he took me to the hospital because I had passed out and went into seizure. When I woke up I had to do tests and do a rape kit and report my story to the police. I feel so lost because in court they blamed it on the fact that we had all been drinking and during the school hearing one of the board members made it seem like it was my fault. I feel no self worth. I had confided in an older male who was close to me like a father because my father passed away when I was young and he repeatedly raped me, and I have never told anybody because of what I went through at school. I have been trying to deal with what has happened, but I find myself paranoid and feeling alone. Day by day I think about it and when I manage to sleep I have nightmares about it. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed I just bottle it all up. I am lost.
by Cherylon 28 May 2005

Labels: I don't know exactly how to start talking

posted by Robert Heard at 6:41 AM