In-Laws

Dear Troubleshooter:
I am 10 years older than my fiancé and his mother is only 10 years older than I am, so I am not comfortable calling her "mom," which she is subtly insisting I do (introducing herself as "mom"... sending "daughter" cards to me... signing correspondence with "mom"...). I am currently addressing her by her first name and responded to her request to call her mom once by saying "I can't." I don't mean to disrespect her, but it's just too awkward. How do I convince her to stop with this?
Toung-tied Dear Troubleshooter:
My husband and I decided to buy a new home as I have another child due in September. My father in-law offered to give us our down payment, but he insists on getting the loan in his name. If we do this, my in-laws will keep our names off the mortgage and the deed. To make matters worse, the real estate agent now says he represents my father in-law who is purchasing a home for "his son." This is an awful mess. What I should do?
Househunter Dear Troubleshooter:
I married a wonderful man last summer who happens to have a very manipulative mother. During the holidays, she invites us to her mountain home but does not include my children. When we tell her that we have "the girls" for xmas, she just puts pressure on her SON to come without us. We have checked into going up with the girls anyway and just getting a hotel room, but the hotels in the area are too expensive! When we thank her for the invite but decline, she goes behind my back and pressures her son to come anyway--without us. There have been MANY other "stunts" in the past, but the travel issue is the issue at hand... How would you handle?
Home For The Holidays Dear Troubleshooter:
Last Christmas, we visited our in-laws in Australia, during which time I find out that I am pregnant with Boy/Girl twins. Turns out they have a family naming tradition: We're supposed to name our kids after his father's parents, leaving us a choice of the letters G or I. My husband says he wants to use the G/I combo, and his mother says there will be big trouble if we don't go along with the tradition. But I don't like this being dictated to us, and I don't really like any G or I names--our surname is FABRIKANOV, which not all names go well with! I'm now six months pregnant and time is moving on. How do we find a resolution?
Nameless Dear Troubleshooter:
My husband and I just got married in September, but have been together for 9 years. During those 9 years, my husband's family has been less than nice to me. When my husband asked his brother to be his best man, he refused saying he didn't want to be responsible for when we get divorced. When their youngest was being christened, they sent an invitation to my husband, but not me. Now my brother-in-law and sister-in-law want to come see our new house in September...I am a little hesitant to let them stay considering over the years they couldn't respect me or treat me nice. My mother says I should call them and discuss the issues. Any help would be great!
Confused Dear Troubleshooter,
My sister in law and I were pregnant at the same time. I delivered a beautiful baby girl, my third daughter. Two days later my sister in law delivered a beautiful baby boy (her older child is a girl). Since that time, my mother in law has forgotten that she has granddaughters. How do I keep from getting annoyed when we are together and she completely dismisses my children for the little prince? Dear Troubleshooter,
My fiancé's mother, brother and uncle refuse to accept us as a "couple" into the family. They have chosen not to come to the wedding and my fiancé refuses to speak to them. We have exhausted every attempt to reconcile with them possibles. So now I am trying to figure out ways to keep my fiancé from feeling bad at our wedding. I figure that we won't have a receiving line, but how can the MC announce the parents of the bride and the dances with the parents without his being present? I figure the wedding won't be very traditional, which is fine, but how can I pull this off? Thanks for your help. Dear Troubleshooter,
My mother-in-law lives in another state, where we take a week vacation every year. My husband and I have many friends there, and like to have a couple nights out with them while there. Though my mother-in-law has babysat our kids about eight times in five years, all while they were sleeping, she still likes to tell the entire family that we dump our kids on her the entire time we are there. We LOVE vacationing with our children, and the accusation is infuriating. We've vowed not to ask her to babysit anymore, but now she offers! What should we do? Dear Troubleshooter,
My husband and I got married last August. My mother-in-law (and her daughter) wore black to my wedding! I am having a hard time forgiving her, and have not spoken to her since, as I specifically asked her not to wear black. My husband fully understands and says I need time because I was just so hurt. I told him that we could go see her for Mother's Day but I am reluctant to. I have a feeling it will not be good to see her now or ever. What should I do? Dear Troubleshooter,
My mother-in-law recently called me to tell me how much she hates me. She told me that all I wanted to do was dig my claws into her son, that I am self-centered control freak and that I make her uncomfortable. She told me I am no longer welcome in her home. She said a bunch of horrible things to me and also insulted my mom and sister. How should I deal with her so as to keep the peace? Dear Troubleshooter,
My mother in law is really bad. All around bad. Actually, my Monster In Law movie would be "suspense horror." Just to give you an idea, when I was in a hospital, with my own mother three thousand miles away, my future mother in law called me and said: "Oh they are not telling you everything, they just don't want to scare you." How do I begin to deal with this person? Dear Troubleshooter,
I'm Asian. My mother-in-law is as white as apple pie. She will say the most backward, stereotypical comments in passing about other ethnicity's in front of me. How do I tell her gracefully that she needs to brush up on a little world culture? Dear Troubleshooter,
On a recent visit, my in-laws stayed for two weeks--that's longer than I would agree to spend with my own parents under the same roof! I didn't think it was possible for someone to be too helpful or apologetic, but now I know that it is. How do I tell her nicely that it doesn't matter if she didn't put the salt back exactly where it belongs, or that, no, I don't need to change the channel and, of course, it's OK if she uses the bathroom? Am being mean or is she neurotic? Help please. Dear Troubleshooter,
I am a total dog person but whenever the topic of getting one comes up, my fiancee hesitates, citing ridiculous fictionalized reasons from his past supplied by his mother. She's always grinning and telling me "Oh, he will NEVER have a dog, ever." I get so worked up that I lose sight of everything but proving her wrong. We go to dog adoptions all the time, but always come home empty handed. What do I do? Dear Troubleshooter,
My sister in law had a baby recently and my in laws are naturally over the moon, as first time grandparents should be. But whenever the topic comes up about my husband and I having kids, the in laws quickly tell us "we have plenty of time." How do I get them to show a little interest in their son and respect for me? Dear Troubleshooter,
My husband's birthday is coming up and he likes to keep it low key. But my mother in law had a 'grand idea' to throw him a surprise party at their house. Knowing my husband, the last thing on the planet he wants is to have friends and clients to his "mommy's" house. I volunteered our home but she quickly dismissed it. What do I do?
Dear Tongue-tied:
You are not alone. I've taken an informal survey on the subject, and it turns out that almost nobody likes calling their mother-in-law "mom," no matter what the age difference. And yet it's difficult (maybe even a little mean feeling) to rebuff such sincere and persistent overtures, especially if they represent longstanding family tradition. You might try a line like, "I consider you more of a friend than a mother-in-law, so calling you mom seems awkward." And if that doesn't work, keep in mind that if and when you have kids, you can immediately begin referring to her as "grandma." Dear Househunter:
Have you given your father-in-law a reason to question your financial maturity? If you and your husband have sloppy spending habits--say, a tendency to run off to Vegas with your mortgage payments--it may be that your father-in-law is determined to put a roof over your head and make sure it stays there. On the other hand, if you two are as fiscally responsible as a couple of CPAs, it's probably in your best interest to (quietly) consult a lawyer, who can explain the ramifications of living in a house to which you don't hold title. Oh, and I wouldn't worry too much about the fact that your father-in-law told the Realtor that he's buying a home for "his son." For many people, that's just parental shorthand for "my son, his wife, their child, the new baby, their dog, the pet goldfish..." Dear Home for the Holidays:
Yes, you clearly have a manipulative mother in law. But let's talk about your husband for a minute. Where does he stand on the Christmas issue? A husband needs to prioritize his loyalties, and you should be number one. So before you put your foot down (which you obviously should) on the Christmas plans, I'd have a serious talk with him. As long as he's entertaining his mother's selfish suggestions, it's easy for her to keep yanking his chain. Once he's made it clear that you are his priority, it's likely that your mother-in-law will back down and start thinking twice before playing the mommy card. Dear Nameless:
It seems to me that by swapping your maiden name for Fabrikanov, you've already established the fact that love triumphs over proper nouns. The monikers you bestow on your children, of course, are another matter. It's understandable that you don't want to be dictated to, but honoring a tradition, especially when relatives are so far away, is a way to make your children feel part of their greater family. The good news is that you've got a couple of things working in your favor. One is nicknames. Even if a birth certificate reads "Isadore," there's no reason the child can't be called Dora-or even Pookie Pie, if you prefer. The other is distance. In-laws in Australia preclude weekly dinners, or virtually any other regular get-together, which means that if Gregory is commonly referred to as "Rory" or Ichabod becomes "Brody," the grandparents aren't likely to pick up on it until your next visit. At which time everyone will have a lot more to talk about than baby names. Dear Confused:
You'd think that a little thing like a wedding band wouldn't change how people treat you, and yet it sounds as if that's exactly what's happened. At least on the surface. Now that you're officially a sister-in-law rather than a girlfriend, you're part of the family, with all the privileges and perils (family vacations! Christenings!) that come with the territory. Since you're no longer living in sin, the impending visit should go off without a hitch. Unless, of course, these people truly dislike you, which your brother-in-law's prediction vis a vis your imminent divorce seems to indicate. At this point, you should get your husband involved. He needs to let his sister know that after nearly 10 years together, your love is deep and strong, and that he worships the ground that you walk on. He should say that he's looking forward to the visit, just as long as everyone understands that you are the lady of the house. Difficult in-laws won't go away, but when you and your husband confront the situation as a team, you'll find that the little dings and bruises are much easier to bear. Dear Mother-of-the-Forgotten:
There's no way you're going to diminish your in-laws' joy about having a baby boy join the family-if a girl had finally come along after four male grandchildren, they would be equally over the moon. And you've got to admit that a third little girl-beautiful and individual as she no doubt is-hasn't got a chance against her novelty act of a cousin. (Not to mention the fact that it's highly unlikely that your child will be scarred by receiving a few less hugs, kisses, and pats than your nephew, babies having notoriously short memories.) So you need to focus on your own attitude. Since you want to avoid being annoyed when you're all together, you could start projecting a little into the future. As you know from having two other girls, you (and your relatives) will soon begin to notice some deep and profound differences between your child and her cousin. Among them will be the fact that your little girl will tend to be more cooperative, attentive, neat, peaceable, gentle, and eloquent-not to mention easier to toilet train-than a little boy. So there will be some justice down the road, when Little Lord Grandson starts breaking his grandparents' china.

The other thing to keep in mind is that eventually there will four female cousins sharing dolls and dress-up clothes, and one male cousin who's the odd man out. So cut the kid a break and let him enjoy a bit of the limelight now. Dear Anxious Bride:
Too bad for your fiancé's family-it sounds as though they're missing out on the chance to add a really nice daughter-in-law to their ranks. But that doesn't mean you can't have a wedding you and your fiancé will both love. Most wedding traditions are yours to embrace or ignore as you please, so start by cutting out anything that would feel awkward. Instead of diving the church into the bride's side and the groom's side, you can mix it up, reserving general family seats on both sides of the aisle and letting everyone perch where they like. If you're having a receiving line, it can simply be composed of you and your new husband, no parents required. Ditto, there's no need for the entire wedding party to be announced by the MC (which, as a "tradition," seems to hark back all of 20 years or so). Instead, after your guests have been seated at the reception, you two can enter the room, have your first dance, and then take your seats. You should also think about taking special care of the people your groom will be inviting, whether it's making sure the photographer gets a group shot of him with his poker buddies, reserving a special table for his office mates, or letting his rugby team give a group toast. Dear Party Mom:
Those passive-aggressive grandmothers are so tough to deal with, especially when professional sitters cost $10 an hour. The obvious solution is to hire someone to take care of the kids. Since you have so many friends in the area, I'm assuming at least one of them can recommend a responsible caregiver. If that's too expensive, you could team up with another family and have the kids do a group sleep-over, and split the babysitting cost. There's no need to make a big deal of it: When grandma offers to babysit, simply say, "That's so generous, but we've found someone great to sit with the kids Friday night so you're not inconvenienced." Don't act resentful, and don't spend less time with her than usual. If your mother-in-law really didn't appreciate the babysitting gig, her offers will probably trickle away. But if she's upset with your new arrangement, this should open the door to an honest talk about how she really feels about "dumping" the little ones. One other thing to think about is whether the vacation evenings you spend with your friends have taken precedence over the time you spend with your family. Do you put the same energy (and cash) into a night out with grandma as you do with your old buddies? I wouldn't be surprised if she were feeling resentful. You might do well to take her out for a night on the town, without the kids, so she knows that you appreciate her for herself, and not just as a geographically desirable relative. Dear Color Blind:
I think you should buy her a pretty pot of tulips and plan to spend a couple of quality hours on May 8th making nice. Because if the worst thing that happened to you in the course of your engagement was dealing with a disagreement over a dress, you are one lucky woman. (And while we're on the topic, dictating what anyone wears to your wedding seems a little old-fashioned. Fact is, black is quite acceptable at weddings nowadays.) Deciding that it isn't a good idea to see her "now or ever" is both unrealistic and shortsighted--the bond between a son and his mother is a strong one, and although your husband sounds very supportive of you right now, eventually he's going to end up resenting a never-forgive, never-forget attitude.

On the other hand, I could be reading this all wrong. If your groom's mother and sister wore black to the wedding in order to protest the marriage-and sobbed their way through the ceremony while flagellating themselves with chains-there could be something bigger going on here. In which case those tulips will look just fine in your own kitchen. Dear Peaceful One:
It's noble of you to try to keep the situation from rupturing, but sometimes it's better to face up to the fact that human relations can't always be fixed by one hopeful soul. Sometimes--and this sounds like one of them--the wiser course is avoidance. Since your mother-in-law has thrown down her gauntlet, you'd certainly be within your rights to treat her with equal disrespect, bar her from your home, and drag her name into the dirt. But that's not your style, is it? Do what you can to remain on good terms with the rest of his relatives, send your mother-in-law a birthday card if you're feeling particularly magnanimous, but otherwise go about your business of building a strong marriage and your own happy family. Dear Horrified,
It sounds as though your mother in law is one of those glass-half-empty people who gets her kicks from focusing on everything that's wrong with the world. (At magazines, we call these people fact checkers.) If this is a central aspect of her personality, there isn't a whole lot you can do to change it. However, you can try turning it into a positive by channeling those negative vibes and making her your personal consumer advocate. Maybe you could ask her to find every item in the supermarket that contains trans fats. Or monitor the chemicals that show up in your tap water. Or write nasty letters to the catalog companies that have taken over your mailbox. Keep her busy enough with outside projects, and chances are she won't be as inclined to turn her black cloud on you. Dear Worldly One,
Since she directs her comments at strangers, and not at you, I'm assuming that you haven't been on the receiving end of her bigotry. And the good news is that if she can see beyond her daughter-in-law's ethnicity, she has the potential to go global. The next time you're alone together, tell her how happy you are that she's made you feel so welcome in her family (if you're worried about gagging, practice in front of a mirror). Then mention that as a minority, some of the comments she shares about other races make you uncomfortable. Chances are she'll turn defensive and sputter something about not being a bigot. That's fine for now. The important thing is to get the conversation started, and perhaps start her thinking. Then you can begin her course in cultural submersion. World Film Festival, anyone? Dear Housebound,
For someone as deeply insecure as your mother in law, a list of house rules couldn't hurt. I'm talking about an actual, printed sheet of paper that you place in the guest room prior to her arrival (put it in a nice frame, if you want, to make it look official). After a few words of greeting, your list could run something like this:
1) Thanks for picking up the odd meatball that you find on the kitchen floor, but don't worry about any actual cleaning. You are honored guests, not servants.
2) Do not attempt to operate household appliances, especially the dishwasher, which requires prayers and chanting in order to function.
3) Pleases ask us if you'd like to borrow the car or the baby. Otherwise, our casa is su casa.
4) Unless noted otherwise, whatever is in the fridge or pantry is up for grabs, including Jonah's imported beers.

This way, whenever your mother-in-law attempts some overly solicitous behavior, all you have to do is shout "The Rules! The Rules!" After the sixth or seventh time, she should get the message. And if that doesn't work, I've heard that building a guest cottage adds hugely to your home's resale value. Dear Dog Lover,
A "ridiculous, fictionalized" reason like being chased home from school by a crazed Dalmatian? Or being bitten on the nose by a basenji? I ask because both those things happened to kids in my family when we were growing up, and you'd better believe that those kids are now committed cat people. If the subject was children, I'd say to return the ring and walk away. There are certain things that you just can't compromise on, and having a family (or not) is one of them. But you need to ask yourself honestly if having a dog is more important to your happiness than having your fiancee. There are other ways to enjoy a dog besides being an owner--you could become a walker at a shelter or kennel, or even spend an hour or two on weekends playing with a friend's pup. And there's no reason your fiancee can't join you once in a while, and get used to the company of canines. (But forget about taking him to adoptions for now--way too much pressure.) This is one of those subjects that, sometime down the road, might best be raised with your husband over a glass of wine and some sexy underwear. As for his mother's attitude, all you have to do is avoid the topic in her presence. Dear Crazy Person,
Do you know the Number One argument that newlyweds have with their parents? Children. When they're going to have them, who's going to look after them, how they're going to afford them--for a lot of couples, it's the Sunday dinner conversation that they dread all week. So frankly, it sounds as though you should thank your lucky stars that the pressure is off, and revel in your child-free status. As far as feeling like you're not getting any respect, you need to realize that a baby is always going to get more attention than you and your husband--not just from grandparents, but from grocery clerks, bus drivers, and pretty much everyone else in the world. And that attention will come in very handy when you do have a child of your own. In the meantime, take your husband out to dinner and over the shrimp scampi, think about your sister-in-law, who is probably sitting in a dark room with spit-up dripping down her bathrobe. Feel better? Dear Party Pooper,
Since this argument isn't about you--but about your husband--your normal course of action would be to toss the situation into his lap and let him battle it out with his mother. But since he's not aware that the situation even exists, you need to find a way to get him involved. And that means quietly spilling the beans. (If you experience guilt pangs, remind yourself that as a loyal wife, it is your duty to protect your non-surprise-party-loving husband from standing open-mouthed in a T-shirt, while a group of gussied-up people sing Happy Birthday.) You could volunteer to issue the invitations, and then "accidentally" leave one where he'll find it, or let him overhear you making plans on the phone. If he's as upset with the idea as you think he'll be, apologize to his mother for blowing the surprise, and let them duke it out. Of course there's always the chance that he'll be excited about the party, in which case you need to apologize to him, take him shopping for something appropriately nonchalant to wear, and let his mom happily continue with her plans, none the wiser.

posted by Robert Heard at 1:14 PM