YOUR ESTEEMED SELF

YOUR ESTEEMED SELF

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By Suma Varughese

How much do you think you are worth? No, don't check out your bank balance. Look within and assess your self-esteem. For the true measure of your worth

self-esteem,worthVedanta teacher and workshop trainer Acharya Ram Mohan has a question for his students. "If someone close to you were grieving over a failure, would you call them a dolt and write them off, or would you console them?" Inevitably the answer is the latter.

"Why then," Ram Mohan asks, "do you call yourself a fool each time you make a mistake?"

Why indeed? Why do we fail to give ourselves the love, consideration and respect that we offer others? Why is it so hard to do jai (to conquer) unto ourselves?

The answer lies in that contentious issue: self-esteem. "Psychologically, it's a core issue," says Mumbai-based psychiatrist Dayal Mirchandani of India. The well-known psychologist Abraham Maslow, who charted out a hierarchy of human needs, put self-esteem above basic survival needs such as food, shelter and clothing. Nathaniel Branden, the guru of self-esteem issues, says in The Six Pillars of Self-esteem: "The level of our self-esteem has profound consequences for every aspect of our existence—how we operate in the workplace, how we deal with people, how high we are likely to rise, how much we are likely to achieve."

In his book, Healing The Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw says: "Total self-love and acceptance is the only foundation for happiness and the love of others. Without total self-love and acceptance, we are doomed to the enervating task of creating false selves." Anand Tendolkar, reiki master and workshop guru, recalls his lifelong attempt to match up to his father's expectations. "My father was a perfectionist and a larger-than-life figure. For 40 years, I tried to be like him. Today, it's such a freedom simply to be me," he says.

Self-acceptance, self-love, a positive self-image, the freedom to be ourselves; all these are crucial aspects of self-esteem. Whether seen from the ultimate perspective of spirituality, which exhorts us to be our true self, or from the more modest psychological imperative to develop a positive self-image, the struggle towards self-esteem is everyman's journey.

Says Branden: "Healthy self-esteem correlates with rationality, realism, intuitiveness, creativity, independence, flexibility, ability to manage change, willingness to admit (and correct) mistakes, benevolence and cooperation. Poor self-esteem correlates with irrationality, blindness to reality, rigidity, fear of the new and unfamiliar, inappropriate conformity or inappropriate rebelliousness, defensiveness, an overly compliant or controlling behavior, and fear or hostility towards others."

Self-esteem becomes a wide-ranging term for it is intimately connected with our relationship with our selves. That relationship determines everything about our lives. Every problem that we have—relationships, health, money or work—is ultimately caused by inadequate self-esteem. Branden, in fact, describes it as the one common denominator in all neurotic problems. He sees them either as direct expression of or a defense against inadequate self-esteem. Yet the subject has not received the kind of attention that it deserves. Unless our self-esteem plummets to the extent that we can no longer handle our lives effectively, we are content to leave it alone. The reason is that few of us are really conscious of its wide-ranging impact on our lives.

Says writer Devi Narayan: "Before I started reiki, I didn't know I had low self-esteem. I used to think I was just being negative. I was unhappy with my job but did not have the confidence to leave it. Reiki made me aware that the way I react to situations is based on how I feel about myself."

From the spiritual perspective, one is free of self-esteem problems only when one transcends the ego. Paradoxically, we need to develop a healthy ego before we can transcend it. Psychologists agree that low self-esteem is related to weak ego boundaries. Says Bradshaw: "An ego boundary is internal strength by which a person guards her inner space. Without boundaries a person has no protection. A strong boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the inside. A weak ego boundary is like a door with the doorknob on the outside." Says Acharya Ram Mohan: "Ego problems arise from low self-esteem. Egoistic people are insecure about themselves." Hence, only one with a healthy self-esteem is qualified for spiritual evolution.

So how do psychologists define self-esteem? There is no single definition. However, Branden offers a comprehensive understanding of the term in The Six Pillars of Self-esteem: "Self-esteem is the disposition of experiencing oneself as competent in coping with the basic challenges of life and as being worthy of happiness." There are two components to Branden's definition. The first he calls self-efficacy: "Confidence in the functioning of my mind, in my ability to think, understand, learn, choose, and make decisions; confidence in my ability to understand the facts of reality that fall within the sphere of my interests and needs; self-trust, self-reliance."

The second is self-respect: "Self-respect means assurance of my value; an affirmative attitude towards my right to live and be happy; comfort in appropriately asserting my thoughts, wants and needs; the feeling that joy and fulfillment are my natural birthright." Branden further subdivides these two factors into six components:

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posted by Robert Heard at 9:55 AM