Achieving Good Mental Health
Achieving Good Mental Health
Most Americans believe that good emotional health is just as important as good physical health. In fact, the majority of Americans feel psychological health is important for overall good health. Indeed, research has shown that psychological health affects physical health.
“We’ve been told for so long to get physical checkups, but taking care of our emotional well being has been sorely overlooked,” said Dorothy Cantor, Psy.D., former president of the American Psychological Association. “We are whole people—whole in the sense that our minds and bodies are connected. If we only take care of our physical well-being and not our emotional well-being, it could come back to haunt us.”
“When you have good emotional health, you’re able to experience feelings, share them appropriately, and not be overwhelmed by them. That doesn’t mean you can never be angry or sad. It means finding a balance and expressing your feelings appropriately,” said Dr. Cantor.
Good psychological health means having the mental energy to function well at home, at work, and at play. It means being able to eat, sleep, and relax without feeling anxious, depressed or worried.
Some ways to achieve good mental health:
Talk to people you trust about what’s bothering you.
Try not to turn a bad day into a major catastrophe—we all have bad days once in a while.
Find time to do things you enjoy.
Spend time exercising and eating well.
Do not put yourself last on the priority list when caring for others.
Do not ignore signals that something is distressing you.
Seek professional help if your feelings seem overwhelming.
Dr. Cantor adds “People may need professional help to maintain good psychological health in much the same way that they need a dentist to examine a toothache, a physician to set a broken bone, and a lawyer to answer legal questions. When you have a question about your emotional health, psychologists and other mental health professionals can be a great resource to help you resolve your problems and help you find solutions you may not have known existed. However, many people don’t know when it’s appropriate to see a mental health professional, and don’t know how to find a mental health professional to help them.”
Achieving Good Mental Health
Achieving Good Mental Health
Most Americans believe that good emotional health is just as important as good physical health. In fact, the majority of Americans feel psychological health is important for overall good health. Indeed, research has shown that psychological health affects physical health.
“We’ve been told for so long to get physical checkups, but taking care of our emotional well being has been sorely overlooked,” said Dorothy Cantor, Psy.D., former president of the American Psychological Association. “We are whole people—whole in the sense that our minds and bodies are connected. If we only take care of our physical well-being and not our emotional well-being, it could come back to haunt us.”
“When you have good emotional health, you’re able to experience feelings, share them appropriately, and not be overwhelmed by them. That doesn’t mean you can never be angry or sad. It means finding a balance and expressing your feelings appropriately,” said Dr. Cantor.
Good psychological health means having the mental energy to function well at home, at work, and at play. It means being able to eat, sleep, and relax without feeling anxious, depressed or worried.
Some ways to achieve good mental health:
Talk to people you trust about what’s bothering you.
Try not to turn a bad day into a major catastrophe—we all have bad days once in a while.
Find time to do things you enjoy.
Spend time exercising and eating well.
Do not put yourself last on the priority list when caring for others.
Do not ignore signals that something is distressing you.
Seek professional help if your feelings seem overwhelming.
Dr. Cantor adds “People may need professional help to maintain good psychological health in much the same way that they need a dentist to examine a toothache, a physician to set a broken bone, and a lawyer to answer legal questions. When you have a question about your emotional health, psychologists and other mental health professionals can be a great resource to help you resolve your problems and help you find solutions you may not have known existed. However, many people don’t know when it’s appropriate to see a mental health professional, and don’t know how to find a mental health professional to help them.”
What is intimacy and why is it so important?
What is intimacy and why is it so important
Intimacy is about being emotionally close to your partner, about being able to let your guard down, and let him or her know how you really feel. Intimacy is also about being able to accept and share in your partner's feelings, about being there when he/she wants to let their defences down.
We all have an `inner world' of feelings and experiences, the world of our day dreams, hopes, fears, hurts and memories, the world of our 'inner-most' thoughts. To be able to share our 'inner-world' with a partner we love, and to be able to share our partner's experiences, is one of the most rewarding aspects of a relationship.
Intimacy often doesn't need words, but being able to put feelings and experiences into words makes intimacy more likely to occur. Intimacy involves being able to share the whole range of feelings and experiences we have as human beings - pain and sadness, as well as happiness and love.
Most of us, however, find it easier to share some types of feelings than others. For example, are you and your partner able to let each other know how you feel about each other?
Saying 'I love you' is important. Assuming your partner knows about your love because of the way you behave is usually not enough.
How do you feel when you are sad, a little depressed, in need of some comforting and reassurance? Are you able to let yourself be dependent and to receive some nurturing? Is this balanced in your relationship, or is one partner the 'strong one' who never needs to show any vulnerability? If so, is this really how you want things to be in your relationship?
How do you feel about yourself? When you've taken a bit of a knock and are feeling small and 'put down', or when you've achieved something that makes you feel good about yourself.
How do you feel about sex? What you like and don't like in your love-making, and about how your sexual relationship could be made more enjoyable for you.
Do you really know what your partner thinks and feels, or do you have to guess and 'mind-read?' Are you able to be open with your partner, or do you feel that your partner would not be able to accept some of your feelings?
Intimacy is a journey of discovery in a relationship. Many couples start out their relationship sensing they have achieved a new dimension of intimacy which they have not experienced before. They are in love, it is exciting, and they cannot imagine a greater degree of intimacy.
Yet, as the years pass and couples go through some of the highs and lows in their relationship, they discover a series of deeper levels in their intimacy. Each discovery makes the relationship more rewarding and fulfilling.
Example of how Stress can effect Children
Uploaded by Peyton on Jun 15, 2006
Disturbing, resilience, and courageous are merely a glimpse of how impacting the story of Mary Karr’s life was growing up as a child in an unpredictable home life. Reading about situations that Mary and her sister experienced made me think about my own childhood with its crisis and misfortunes. I myself have never come close to experiencing anything in my life like she had, but how she described the situations she endured made me feel her frustrations and vulnerabilities. Even with the difference in the time era from today Mary’s traumatic and stressful childhood growing up in the 60’s coincides with what we have been learning in this class. There are many examples that can be related to the information about stress and how it affects children in today’s society.
The way she starts her memoir is like she is unfolding memories she had tucked away during the pecks of the stressful and at many times traumatic events she experienced during her early childhood. The way in which she begins makes it seem like she is standing in the room as the events unfold. Mary used the terms, “may have” and “ I suppose” to describe her feelings and some details about the night her mother was pronounced Nervous. She described the way of coping in a very powerful manor. “When the truth would be unbearable the mind often just blanks it out.” This idea makes Mary’s coping strategy when she was a child similar to denial. She erased many of the details of that night to defend herself from the magnitude of the event. Later, this seems to be a defense mechanism when the older neighborhood boy sexually assaulted her. She seemed to block out the memory until she was mature enough to understand what had happened. However other crisis situations she explains with much more detail as if she did not store them away to make them as if they had never happened. Mary as a child has coping skills to help her deal with her situations but at her young age her management skills were not yet developed enough. She did not seem to use management skills when dealing with her peers and pressures to void violent or hostile arguments. As the story of her life unfolded anticipatory coping was sometimes present in her young age. When again she was place in the situation performing oral sex on the unnamed babysitter she had the idea to protect her self from what had happened before by squeezing her legs together firmly. She learned in some way to avoid or prevent that situation from occurring again. Her father was the one who seemed to present her with situations that she could take action to prevent in the future. For instance when she and her family went to the beach her sister was hurt by the Man of War jellyfish, Mary listened to her father when he talked of what could happen if the went out in the water. However, Mary did not avoid or really try to prevent certain situations in the classroom and her neighborhood environment even when she was presented with similar ones repeatedly. These situations were most commonly dealt with by acting out. The consequences from this could have been avoided but Mary’s method of dealing with the stresses may have been due to the lack of management and anticipatory coping skills.
The crisis situations she encountered throughout her life were handled on her own. Her sister and her father were her main sources of support but in general she dealt with things internally. Times when her parents or other family members should have stepped in were insufficient. The trauma that her and her sister went through during the car accident was never acknowledged but the people who should have been worried about them. The turned to each other during the actual event but they were expect to deal with it them selves. The security of being protect and reassurance that they would be okay was no where to be found. When Mary had to deal with the death of her grandmother she said she lost the trust in the world’s order. There was not the parental guidance to help her understand the feelings and affects of death.
As a child dealing with crisis and stress she was amazingly resilient yet vulnerable. She understood that her family was different and that her mother’s abnormal behavior was not her fault. I think she was also at times very vulnerable to exposure to added stress, but her resilience helped her get through her vulnerabilities.
As I stated before, my childhood with its crisis and stresses was not as extreme as Mary’s. I had much support from both of my parents during times of crisis. My sister was in a horrible car accident when I was 11. This was a very traumatic situation for me. My parents and family were there to support my feelings of uncertainty. Something I found similar to my childhood experience and that of Mary’s was her group of neighborhood friends she ran with. The way she interacted with them in some ways is similar to how I was. I was a rough and trouble child with the idea that I could hold my own ground being tough. I ran with a huge group of boys close in age to my own. Language I was exposed to by my oldest sister was repeated by me to them. However, I was not looked at as being different then them nor was my home environment frowned upon. Like Mary, many of the four letter words I repeated I did not fully understand.
Even though experiences in my life differ from the story I can see that others could definitely relate more personally to it. There were class mates of mine in school who, now that I have been learning about children, were most likely dealing with situations like Mary’s. There were always the boys and girls who acted out violently towards students during play time that were probably provoked by stress they had been experiencing at home. Novels like the Liar’s Club and education have opened the door to what other children deal with in their early age. Also, the methods of how they cope. The Liar’s Club is a great way to get a glimpse inside a child’s mind during times of crisis and stress. The honestly Mary possessed when telling her story made her life some what easier to find something I could relate to in my own life.
Job stress can affect your children
Working parents often bring a bad day home to their kids
LiveScience
Updated: 6:40 a.m. AKT Jan 25, 2007
NEW YORK - Working parents might think they leave it at the office, but kids know better. Whether adults realize it or not, their job-related stress affects their children, scientists said here this week at the annual meeting of the American Psychoanalytic Association.
Over the past 30 years, time spent at the office has jumped 10 hours a week. And one in three employees in the United States reports feeling chronically overworked, said Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute in New York.
“By all of our measures, jobs have become much more hectic and demanding," Galinsky said. "People feel like they don’t have enough time to get everything done.” And that includes spending time, let alone quality time, with children
Even if parents bring no actual work home, they definitely carry the residual impact of their day in the office.
“If we’re cooking dinner and looking at our kids’ homework, and we’re also thinking about a discussion we had with a boss, are we working or not?” Galinsky said.
Kids talk
Signs of stress
Ask yourself these questions to see if you're experiencing symptoms of burnout:
— Do you find yourself being more cynical, critical and sarcastic at work?
— Have you lost the ability to experience joy?
— Do you drag yourself into work and have trouble getting started once you arrive?
— Have you become more irritable and less patient with co-workers, customers or clients
— Do you feel that you face insurmountable barriers at work?
— Do you feel that you lack the energy to be consistently productive?
— Do you no longer feel satisfaction from your achievements?
— Do you have a hard time laughing at yourself?
— Are you tired of your co-workers asking if you're OK?
— Do you feel disillusioned about your job?
— Are you self-medicating—using food, drugs or alcohol—to feel better or to simply not feel?
— Have your sleep habits or appetite changed?
— Are you troubled by headaches, neck pain or lower back pain?
Source: Mayo Clinic
Galinsky studied a nationally representative sample of more than 600 parents and 1,000 children ranging from 3rd to 12th grade. Interviewers asked children what would be their one wish if they could change how a father or mother’s work affected each child. More than half of parents guessed their children would wish for more parent time.
Wrong answer. Most children wished their parents would be less stressed from work.
“If our parents were less tired and stressed, I think that the kids would be less tired and stressed,” said one of the children interviewed.
Little detectives
Unbeknownst to parents, children play detective to snag personal and work information. Galinsky found that some kids would eavesdrop from the top of the stairs or even listen on extensions to private phone conversations, with the “mute” key pressed.
Subtle cues, such as a parent’s down-turned expression or heavy footsteps, also led kids to easily detect their parents’ moods.
“I know when my mom has a bad day because when she picks me up from after school she doesn’t smile,” one young girl told interviewers. “She has a really frustrated look on her face.”
De-stress
Quality time at home makes a difference.
“There are a number of things to help people manage their stress,” Galinsky told LiveScience. For instance, take time out when you get home to unwind with the proverbial warm bubble bath. If all else fails, talk to your children (if they’re old enough) and let them know you had a bad day at work, Galinsky suggested. The most important piece of information to impart to kids is that your bad mood isn’t their fault, she said.
One boy interviewed in Galinsky’s study offered another idea: “If you’re stressed out and tired, take a little nap. But don’t take a long one.”
Weathering our feelings
Posted by Wendy in Health, Love & Relationships, Power & Energy, Sustainability, Families
Our feelings are like weather patterns. They are changeable and act on the environment with great power. They inform and distract with their intensity. They reflect the nature of the moment with great accuracy. Just as our changing weather patterns are shifting and changing the world we live in, our ability to experience and share our feelings in meaningful ways has the power to shift the emotional landscape of our lives.
Yet feelings are for many people a locked box: an experience that overwhelms and is difficult to express. We are taught in a variety of circumstances and for a variety of reasons to suppress our feelings. We learn to silence our feelings so well that the messages in our bodies are not even discernable. Suppressed feelings are not as invisible as you might think. They take on a life in our dreams and eventually become diseases in our bodies. Our inability to express our feelings cuts us off not only from our own experience but limits the connection we feel with the people we love most.
In the same way that we live in denial of the extreme weather patterns that are threatening life as we know it, we disconnect from our emotional life because we are afraid we will be overtaken by our feelings. Small children are frequently shaken by the enormity of their emotional experience. When was the last time you witnessed a temper tantrum in the grocery store- what better metaphor for a giant storm raging inside a little body? What happened when your feelings were too big to hold when you were a child? What happens now?
Jim Carrey was quoted in a Playboy magazine interview last year saying that “Heaven is on the other side of that feeling you get when you’re sitting on the couch and you get up to make a triple-decker sandwich. It’s on the other side of that, when you don’t make the sandwich….It is about giving up the things that basically keep you from feeling. I am always asking myself ‘What am I going to give up next?’ Because I want to feel.” Learning to feel begins with a choice and the realization that authentic living demands the maturity to open up to your full experience, as messy as it might be.
This is, in fact, the do or die work of relationships; to have the courage to feel the full range of emotions that comes with intimate connections. It is literally the fuel for the fire of passion, the air that keeps a relationship breathing, the stuff of transformation and growing up. Just as our weaknesses and frailties are wedded to our virtues and strengths- the ability to express uncomfortable emotions creates the possibilities of discovering the love and passion that we want most.
How then do we make this choice to live a feeling life, to physically experience the internal storms of growing up and growing old? It is a practice, no different than learning a new musical instrument. Some days you hit the right notes, other days there is no melody at all. In agreeing to the practice, something opens and each moment gives you an opportunity to try again. Slowly you become comfortable with the weather systems of your emotions. Some days it is even comforting to know they are there.
Why Do We Fall in Love?
Loving and being loved adds richness to our lives. When people feel close to others they are happier and even healthier. Love helps us feel important, understood, and secure.
But each kind of love has its own distinctive feel. The kind of love we feel for a parent is different from our love for a baby brother or best friend. And the kind of love we feel in romantic relationships is its own unique type of love.
Our ability to feel romantic love develops during adolescence. Teens all over the world notice passionate feelings of attraction. Even in cultures where people are not allowed to act on or express these feelings, they're still there. It's a natural part of growing up to develop romantic feelings and sexual attractions to others. These new feelings can be exciting — or even confusing at first.
The Magical Ingredients of Love Relationships
Love is such a powerful human emotion that experts are constantly studying it. They've discovered that love has three main qualities:
1. Attraction is the "chemistry" part of love. It's all about the physical — even sexual — interest that two people have in each other. Attraction is responsible for the desire we feel to kiss and hold the object of our affection. Attraction is also what's behind the flushed, nervous-but-excited way we feel when that person is near.
2. Closeness is the bond that develops when we share thoughts and feelings that we don't share with anyone else. When you have this feeling of closeness with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you feel supported, cared for, understood, and accepted for who you are. Trust is a big part of this.
3. Commitment is the promise or decision to stick by the other person through the ups and downs of the relationship.
These three qualities of love can be combined in different ways to make different kinds of relationships. For example, closeness without attraction is the kind of love we feel for best friends. We share secrets and personal stuff with them, we support them, and they stand by us. But we are not romantically interested in them.
Attraction without closeness is more like a crush or infatuation. You're attracted to someone physically but don't know the person well enough yet to feel the closeness that comes from sharing personal experiences and feelings.
Romantic love is when attraction and closeness are combined. Lots of relationships grow out of an initial attraction (a crush or "love at first sight") and develop into closeness. It's also possible for a friendship to move from closeness into attraction as two people realize their relationship is more than "just like" and they have become interested in one another in a romantic way.
For people falling in love for the first time, it can be hard to tell the difference between the intense, new feelings of physical attraction and the deeper closeness that goes with being in love.
Lasting Love or Fun Fling?
The third ingredient in a love relationship, commitment, is about wanting and deciding to stay together as a couple in the future — despite any changes and challenges that life brings.
Sometimes couples who fall in love in high school develop committed relationships that last. Many relationships don't last, though. But it's not because teens aren't capable of deep loving.
We typically have shorter relationships as teens because adolescence is a time when we instinctively seek lots of different experiences and try out different things. It's all part of discovering who we are, what we value, and what we want out of life.
Another reason we tend to have shorter relationships in our teens is because the things we want to get out of a romantic relationship change as we get a little older. In our teens — especially for guys — relationships are mainly about physical attraction. But by the time guys reach 20 or so, they rate a person's inner qualities as most important. Teen girls emphasize closeness as most important — although they don't mind if a potential love interest is cute too!
In our teens, relationships are mostly about having fun. Dating can seem like a great way to have someone to go places with and do things with. Dating can also be a way to fit in. If our friends are all dating someone, we might put pressure on ourselves to find a boyfriend or girlfriend too.
For some people dating is even a status thing. It can almost seem like another version of cliques: The pressure to go out with the "right" person in the "right" group can make dating a lot less fun than it should be — and not so much about love!
In our late teens, though, relationships are less about going out to have fun and fitting in. Closeness, sharing, and confiding become more important to both guys and girls. By the time they reach their twenties, most girls and guys value support, closeness, and communication, as well as passion. This is the time when people start thinking about finding someone they can commit to in the long run — a love that will last.
What Makes a Good Relationship?
When people first experience falling in love, it often starts as attraction. Sexual feelings can also be a part of this attraction. People at this stage might daydream about a crush or a new BF or GF. They may doodle the person's name or think of their special someone while a particular song is playing.
It sure feels like love. But it's not love yet. It hasn't had time to grow into emotional closeness that's needed for love. Because feelings of attraction and sexual interest are new, and they're directed at a person we want a relationship with, it's not surprising we confuse attraction with love. It's all so intense, exciting, and hard to sort out.
The crazy intensity of the passion and attraction phase fades a bit after a while. Like putting all our energy into winning a race, this kind of passion is exhilarating but far too extreme to keep going forever. If a relationship is destined to last, this is where closeness enters the picture. The early passionate intensity may fade, but a deep affectionate attachment takes its place.
Some of the ways people grow close are:
* Learning to give and receive. A healthy relationship is about both people, not how much one person can get from (or give to) the other.
* Revealing feelings. A supportive, caring relationship allows people to reveal detail about themselves — their likes and dislikes, dreams and worries, proud moments, disappointments, fears, and weaknesses.
* Listening and supporting. When two people care, they offer support when the other person is feeling vulnerable or afraid. They don't put down or insult their partner, even when they disagree.
Giving, receiving, revealing, and supporting is a back-and-forth process: One person shares a detail, then the other person shares something, then the first person feels safe enough to share a little more. In this way, the relationship gradually builds into a place of openness, trust, and support where each partner knows that the other will be there when times are tough. Both feel liked and accepted for who they are.
The passion and attraction the couple felt early on in the relationship isn't lost. It's just different. In healthy, long-term relationships, couples often find that intense passion comes and goes at different times. But the closeness is always there.
Sometimes, though, a couple loses the closeness. For adults, relationships can sometimes turn into what experts call "empty love." This means that the closeness and attraction they once felt is gone, and they stay together only out of commitment. This is not usually a problem for teens, but there are other reasons why relationships end.
Why Do Relationships End?
Love is delicate. It needs to be cared for and nurtured if it is to last through time. Just like friendships, relationships can fail if they are not given enough time and attention. This is one reason why some couples might not last — perhaps someone is so busy with school, extracurriculars, and work that he or she has less time for a relationship. Or maybe a relationship ends when people graduate and go to separate colleges or take different career paths.
For some teens, a couple may grow apart because the things that are important to them change as they mature. Or maybe each person wants different things out of the relationship. Sometimes both people realize the relationship has reached its end; sometimes one person feels this way when the other does not.
Moving On
Losing love can be painful for anyone. But if it's your first real love and the relationship ends before you want it to, feelings of loss can seem overwhelming. Like the feelings of passion early in the relationship, the newness and rawness of grief and loss can be intense — and devastating. There's a reason why they call it a broken heart.
When a relationship ends, people really need support. Losing a first love isn't something we've been emotionally prepared to cope with. It can help to have close friends and family members to lean on. Unfortunately, lots of people — often adults — expect younger people to bounce back and "just get over it." If your heart is broken, find someone you can talk to who really understands the pain you're going through.
It seems hard to believe when you're brokenhearted that you can ever feel better. But gradually these feelings grow less intense. Eventually, people move on to other relationships and experiences.
Relationships — whether they last 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or a lifetime — are all opportunities to experience love on its many different levels. We learn both how to love and how to be loved in return.
Romance provides us with a chance to discover our own selves as we share with someone new. We learn the things we love about ourselves, the things we'd like to change, and the qualities and values we look for in a partner.
Loving relationships teach us self-respect as well as respect for others. Love is one of the most fulfilling things we can have in our lives. If romance hasn't found you yet, don't worry — there's plenty of time. And the right person is worth the wait.
click on title to read on
Add Trust To Your Relationship
by S. A. Baker
Trust is something that is important to every single relationship you have. No matter if it is a relationship of friends, family, or even a relationship of lovers; trust must be there to make it successful. So, if you are noticing a lack of trust within your relationship, how can you get trust back into your relationship? How can trust be incorporated into your life, daily? How can you trust if you’ve been hurt in relationships before?
It is hard to add trust into a relationship that is already damaged. But, it is necessary in the most immediate way. Relationships are built on qualities like trust. If the trust in your relationship is week, chances are good that the relationship will suffer in the long run. If you are constantly questioning or worry about your relationship, then you have no trust in your partner. If you trust in them, then you know that they have your best interests at their heart just as you do for them.
To add trust to your relationship, you must first put aside your problems. You must push aside all the times that trust ended up hurting you. Instead, put your trust into your relationship anyway. Even if you are worried that trusting someone will end up hurting you, you still have to give the opportunity to them to prove you wrong. If you are in a relationship where you have given trust and not received trust, then you are in a failing relationship. Unless you commit to trusting each other 100%, you will not succeed in your relationship. And, in the end, if that trust is getting abused and taken advantage of, then, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. If you give, so much your partner give in a relationship.
New studies confirm impact of parental conflict on children's futures
By William G. Gilroy
Two new studies lend further support to research by E. Mark Cummings, a University of Notre Dame professor of psychology, on the impact of parental conflict behavior on their children's future behavior.
Cummings, the Notre Dame Professor of Psychology, and researchers from Rochester University and the Catholic University of America, found that the manner in which parents handle everyday marital conflicts has a significant effect on how secure their children feel, and, in turn, significantly affects their future emotional adjustment.
"A useful analogy is to think about emotional security as a bridge between the child and the world," Cummings said. "When the marital relationship is functioning well, it serves as a secure base, a structurally sound bridge to support the child's exploration and relationships with others.
"When destructive marital conflict erodes the bridge, children may lack confidence and become hesitant to move forward, or may move forward in a dsyregulated way, unable to find appropriate footing within themselves or in interaction with others."
In the first study, the researchers examined the effect of marital conflict on the 9- to-18-year-old children of 226 parents for three years. They discovered that destructive forms of marital conflict ─ such as personal insults, defensiveness, marital withdrawal, sadness or fear ─ set in motion events that later led to emotional insecurity and maladjustment in children, including depression, anxiety and behavioral problems.
The second study also examined the connection between marital conflict and emotional problems over a three-year period, with a different group of 232 parents and kindergarten-aged children. The researchers again found that destructive marital conflict led to similar problems.
In both studies researchers controlled for any initial adjustment problems, thus further supporting the conclusion that destructive marital conflict was related to children's emotional insecurity and adjustment problems.
Because both studies involved representative community samples, the researchers believe that their findings likely can be generalized to most American families.
Interestingly enough, earlier studies by Cummings and others have found that constructive marital conflict, in which parents express or engage in physical affection, problem solving, compromise or positive feelings, may actually increase children's security.
"These studies are a warning to strongly encourage parents to learn how to handle conflicts constructively for the sake of both their children and themselves," Cummings said.
The studies appear in the January/February issue of the journal Child Development.
Healing
I am the healing force.
I trust in the movement of love.
I release myself (my family, my friends [can name them individually]) into the hands of love.
I am the love in all things.
I have no need to hold on to anything because I am the love in all things.
It is safe for me to let go of all worry and just reveal the love that I am.
It is okay for me to just be.
I let go of all responsibility except the responsibility to be love.
I trust in the power of love to heal my body.
I trust in the love given to me by my doctors (family, friends, etc.) to help my body heal itself.
I let go of all worry about the future, knowing that as I yield to love, the very best things possible will happen.
I have no need to worry about anyone or anything. I can just be.
When I feel afraid, I love my fear.
When I feel anxious, I love my anxiety.
When I start to feel that I need to be in control, I love my feeling that I need to be in control.
I am not afraid of any of my feelings. I love all my feelings.
All my feelings are trying to help me get well. I include them in love so that I may truly get well.
I am thankful for all the opportunities I have to learn the lessons of love.
I find it easier and easier each day to let go and just be love.
I let go of all worry about what I should or should not do, and simply let myself know what is right for me to do moment by moment.
I know that I am being guided and that I cannot do the "wrong" thing.
I let the power of love heal me.
I no longer need to be in control of my healing process.
The more I let go, the more powerful I am.
The less I try to take responsibility, the more responsible I am.
I can just relax about everything that has been worrying me, and enjoy the process of healing.
The more I let go, the more alive I am.
The more I let go, the healthier I am.
I trust my body's urge to heal. I don't have to make it get well. All I have to do is support it.
I am becoming healthier every day.
As I yield to love, my body feels better and better.
I now release all negative thoughts I've picked up from others (through my medical treatment, etc.).
I allow new life to move in my heart [can name any area needing healing].
I receive the energy of my essence.
Each cell of my body receives the healing light of my essence.
I now let go to my inner healing source.
I am my healing power.
I am my healing source.
I receive healing energy into the top of my head [can name any other body part].
I receive healing energy into my fear [can name any other emotion].
I am my power in my hands [can name any other body part].
I receive healing.
I deserve to be healed.
I deserve to feel perfectly well.
I am as capable of receiving healing as anyone else.
Love and light are with me always.
I am eternally safe in the light.
I am always with the light.
The light is always with me.
I am the light.
I ask that the divine, universal spirit bring total healing into my life.
It is now safe for me to open to love.
I ask that the perfect pattern for my body come forth.
I feel the energy of the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I allow the energy of my perfect spiritual body to increase.
I receive perfect health into my physical body.
I fully let go of all old, negative patterns for my physical body.
I let go of all negative ideas about my body.
The perfect pattern for my body is always available.
No matter what symptoms I manifest, I am increasing my health.
I let healing come from the perfect spiritual pattern for my physical body.
I find it easy to let go.
I no longer need to clench.
It feels so good to let go and relax.
I am now fully supported from within.
I no longer experience myself as hanging off a cliff. I am on solid ground. Therefore, I can let go.
I give the spiritual pattern for my body a full opportunity to come forth.
I relax into the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I continue to receive the energy coming forth from the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I am the healing energy of my soul.
I receive my perfect spiritual pattern for my chest [can name any other body part].
I continue to open to the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I am a magnificent, radiant being.
I am light.
I allow my body to more fully receive the light of who I am.
I allow my struggle and resistance to receive the light of who I am.
I am the light that created my body and that now recreates it.
I am the light of total and absolute love manifested in my body.
I am the love that assuages all my fears.
I no longer have to struggle.
I open to my healing power twenty-four hours a day.
I give my healing power full permission to heal my body.
My healing power is healing me even when I'm doubting it.
I now allow myself to stay focused on receiving healing energy, even in the presence of painful symptoms.
I receive healing energy directly into all areas of need.
My pain is simply a reminder to open to healing energy.
I continue to receive healing power.
I am receiving healing in all that I do.
I now know that I am the source of healing for my body.
I am harmonious.
I receive energy.
I receive health.
I am the source of my health.
I receive love.
I receive love in my head [can name any other body part].
I release myself into love.
I accept my anger.
I love my anger.
I accept my frustration.
I love my frustration. (You cannot go past your frustration, for instance, but you can go through it. Love your frustration and it will change. There is power in acceptance and love. If you battle your frustration, it will entrench itself.)
I open to my frustration.
It is all right for me to feel angry and frustrated.
I relax into my anger and frustration.
I love and accept my body exactly the way it is, just as a mother loves and accepts her child exactly the way he (she) is.
Healing flows from my love and acceptance of my body.
Healing flows to my body in the presence of my anger and frustration.
Healing flows to my body no matter what I do or do not do.
My body is learning to relax in the presence of pain.
My body is learning to breathe freely in the presence of pain.
My body is learning to breathe freely all the time.
There is no need to fight or struggle with anything.
When I begin to fight or struggle, I remember to relax.
It is easy for me to relax completely.
It is easy for me to receive the healing power of love.
I acknowledge love as the fundamental energy of life.
I acknowledge love as the most powerful force in the universe.
Every cell of my body is receiving love.
Love is already a reality. I continue to open to it more and more.
I acknowledge the reduction of pain in my body.
I thank my body for opening to love in a greater way.
I allow my arms [can name any other body part] to open to love in a greater way.
I fully let go to love in my arms [can name any other body part].
I open to love (peace, etc.) with my whole being.
I let go of struggle.
I let go to the love I am.
My symptoms are parts of me crying out for my love.
Whenever I feel pain I respond with total love.
Whenever I feel frustrated (angry, etc.) with my pain, I respond with love to my frustration as well as to my pain.
I am learning to see love all around me.
All the people around me are embodiments of love.
Since love is the source of healing, I see all the people around me as sources of healing.
All the plants (animals, minerals, objects, etc.) around me are embodiments of love and sources of healing.
I feel my bed as an embodiment of love and a source of healing.
The air I breathe is an embodiment of love and a source of healing.
I trust love.
I am love.
I am the power of love.
I am the healing power of love.
I fill my whole space with love.
I am healing my body all the time.
I am healing my body even when my symptoms are evident.
I am healing my body even when I am in pain.
I am healing my body even when it appears otherwise.
I am healing every cell of my body at every moment of my life.
Opening to love sets me free.
I feel the presence of healing energy in my body.
Love is now healing my back [can name any other body part].
I am the healing power that relaxes my throat [can name any other body part].
I am the relaxation that heals my body.
I deserve to receive the healing power of love completely.
I have total confidence in my ability to receive the healing power of love.
I have everything it takes to heal completely.
I put total trust in the healing power of love.
Everything I do brings healing for me.
I commit to fully and continually opening to my healing energy in my thoughts.
The life energy that created my body is now recreating it.
I trust the life that brings me aliveness to expand my aliveness in my body.
In love, I embrace life.
I need not cling to life in desperation. I trust life, and know that it is always there for me. Therefore, I simply relax.
I embrace life heartily through the food I eat.
Because my body is becoming more peaceful, relaxed, and open, I am able to eat more food each day.
I am now comfortably accepting more and more nourishment into my body.
I have always been spiritually advanced enough to open to healing and to bring perfect health to my body. I forgive myself for not realizing this before. I am beginning to know this now, and I am thankful for that.
Whenever I speak the loving truth, I feel better. I am learning to speak the truth in my thoughts and words always.
It is easy for me to remember to speak the loving truth about my body and about everything else in my life.
The truth sets me free to be more fully who I already am.
I am already love, truth, life, health, joy, peace, and happiness.
I find it easy to accept my condition exactly the way it is right now, because I know that it is the perfect starting point for creating health.
I use however I feel as a starting point to create health.
I know that healing power is always present in my body, even when I cannot discern it.
I love and accept the parts of me that are skeptical or negative. They are perfect starting points for healing. I open to healing in the presence of my skepticism and negativity, just as I open to healing in the presence of my pain and discomfort.
I need no special circumstances to open to healing. I open to healing whether it is noisy or quiet. I open to healing whether I am fatigued or energetic. I open to healing even while others around me are fearful and negative.
The more strongly that others believe that I will not recover, the more my healing will inspire and bless them. Therefore, I do not mind their negativity. I will enjoy proving to them that they, too, can open to their healing power.
I joyfully anticipate fun things I am going to do when I have more strength. I also take full advantage of how things are now to enjoy myself. I listen to music that is pleasurable and healing. I enjoy life-affirming movies, inspiring reading, and other activities available to me now. Most of all, I cherish this golden opportunity to come to better know my beautiful self.
I let the river inside me flow.
I let the river inside me carry away all that does not belong.
I allow the river inside me to carry away all the pain in my body (my headache, the tumors, etc.).
I allow myself to feel the river inside me more fully.
I open to the river inside me in the face of pain.
The river inside me is carrying away my pain (cancer, etc.). I don't need it anymore.
I let go of my pain (cancer, etc.).
I let go of all sickness in my body; I don't need it anymore.
I let go of all confusion in my body; I don't need it anymore.
I let go of all fear in my body; I don't need it anymore.
The river of love carries away all fear from my body.
I trust my power.
I dare to be love.
I acknowledge my letting go.
I am the letting go.
I continue letting go.
I now allow my essence to come forth fully and fill my space.
I now allow my essence to burn away any residues of what does not belong.
As I let go of what does not belong, I feel lighter and lighter.
I allow love to come forth and fill my whole space.
I am the love that fills my space.
I include my anger (darkness, hate, shortcomings, etc.) in my love.
I forgive myself.
I forgive the part of me that makes mountains out of molehills (is self-indulgent, feels helpless, etc.).
I include in my love the part of me that feels powerless.
I am ready to let go.
I release my fear of letting go.
I let go.
I am whole.
I am the harmony of my wholeness.
I open to my harmony now.
I release my fear of harmony.
I reestablish harmony.
I allow myself to be fully in harmony.
I am at peace with my harmony.
I let go of all my limiting concepts about myself.
I open to my essence.
I now reclaim my life.
HEALING
I am the healing force.
I trust in the movement of love.
I release myself (my family, my friends [can name them individually]) into the hands of love.
I am the love in all things.
I have no need to hold on to anything because I am the love in all things.
It is safe for me to let go of all worry and just reveal the love that I am.
It is okay for me to just be.
I let go of all responsibility except the responsibility to be love.
I trust in the power of love to heal my body.
I trust in the love given to me by my doctors (family, friends, etc.) to help my body heal itself.
I let go of all worry about the future, knowing that as I yield to love, the very best things possible will happen.
I have no need to worry about anyone or anything. I can just be.
When I feel afraid, I love my fear.
When I feel anxious, I love my anxiety.
When I start to feel that I need to be in control, I love my feeling that I need to be in control.
I am not afraid of any of my feelings. I love all my feelings.
All my feelings are trying to help me get well. I include them in love so that I may truly get well.
I am thankful for all the opportunities I have to learn the lessons of love.
I find it easier and easier each day to let go and just be love.
I let go of all worry about what I should or should not do, and simply let myself know what is right for me to do moment by moment.
I know that I am being guided and that I cannot do the "wrong" thing.
I let the power of love heal me.
I no longer need to be in control of my healing process.
The more I let go, the more powerful I am.
The less I try to take responsibility, the more responsible I am.
I can just relax about everything that has been worrying me, and enjoy the process of healing.
The more I let go, the more alive I am.
The more I let go, the healthier I am.
I trust my body's urge to heal. I don't have to make it get well. All I have to do is support it.
I am becoming healthier every day.
As I yield to love, my body feels better and better.
I now release all negative thoughts I've picked up from others (through my medical treatment, etc.).
I allow new life to move in my heart [can name any area needing healing].
I receive the energy of my essence.
Each cell of my body receives the healing light of my essence.
I now let go to my inner healing source.
I am my healing power.
I am my healing source.
I receive healing energy into the top of my head [can name any other body part].
I receive healing energy into my fear [can name any other emotion].
I am my power in my hands [can name any other body part].
I receive healing.
I deserve to be healed.
I deserve to feel perfectly well.
I am as capable of receiving healing as anyone else.
Love and light are with me always.
I am eternally safe in the light.
I am always with the light.
The light is always with me.
I am the light.
I ask that the divine, universal spirit bring total healing into my life.
It is now safe for me to open to love.
I ask that the perfect pattern for my body come forth.
I feel the energy of the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I allow the energy of my perfect spiritual body to increase.
I receive perfect health into my physical body.
I fully let go of all old, negative patterns for my physical body.
I let go of all negative ideas about my body.
The perfect pattern for my body is always available.
No matter what symptoms I manifest, I am increasing my health.
I let healing come from the perfect spiritual pattern for my physical body.
I find it easy to let go.
I no longer need to clench.
It feels so good to let go and relax.
I am now fully supported from within.
I no longer experience myself as hanging off a cliff. I am on solid ground. Therefore, I can let go.
I give the spiritual pattern for my body a full opportunity to come forth.
I relax into the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I continue to receive the energy coming forth from the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I am the healing energy of my soul.
I receive my perfect spiritual pattern for my chest [can name any other body part].
I continue to open to the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I am a magnificent, radiant being.
I am light.
I allow my body to more fully receive the light of who I am.
I allow my struggle and resistance to receive the light of who I am.
I am the light that created my body and that now recreates it.
I am the light of total and absolute love manifested in my body.
I am the love that assuages all my fears.
I no longer have to struggle.
I open to my healing power twenty-four hours a day.
I give my healing power full permission to heal my body.
My healing power is healing me even when I'm doubting it.
I now allow myself to stay focused on receiving healing energy, even in the presence of painful symptoms.
I receive healing energy directly into all areas of need.
My pain is simply a reminder to open to healing energy.
I continue to receive healing power.
I am receiving healing in all that I do.
I now know that I am the source of healing for my body.
I am harmonious.
I receive energy.
I receive health.
I am the source of my health.
I receive love.
I receive love in my head [can name any other body part].
I release myself into love.
I accept my anger.
I love my anger.
I accept my frustration.
I love my frustration. (You cannot go past your frustration, for instance, but you can go through it. Love your frustration and it will change. There is power in acceptance and love. If you battle your frustration, it will entrench itself.)
I open to my frustration.
It is all right for me to feel angry and frustrated.
I relax into my anger and frustration.
I love and accept my body exactly the way it is, just as a mother loves and accepts her child exactly the way he (she) is.
Healing flows from my love and acceptance of my body.
Healing flows to my body in the presence of my anger and frustration.
Healing flows to my body no matter what I do or do not do.
My body is learning to relax in the presence of pain.
My body is learning to breathe freely in the presence of pain.
My body is learning to breathe freely all the time.
There is no need to fight or struggle with anything.
When I begin to fight or struggle, I remember to relax.
It is easy for me to relax completely.
It is easy for me to receive the healing power of love.
I acknowledge love as the fundamental energy of life.
I acknowledge love as the most powerful force in the universe.
Every cell of my body is receiving love.
Love is already a reality. I continue to open to it more and more.
I acknowledge the reduction of pain in my body.
I thank my body for opening to love in a greater way.
I allow my arms [can name any other body part] to open to love in a greater way.
I fully let go to love in my arms [can name any other body part].
I open to love (peace, etc.) with my whole being.
I let go of struggle.
I let go to the love I am.
My symptoms are parts of me crying out for my love.
Whenever I feel pain I respond with total love.
Whenever I feel frustrated (angry, etc.) with my pain, I respond with love to my frustration as well as to my pain.
I am learning to see love all around me.
All the people around me are embodiments of love.
Since love is the source of healing, I see all the people around me as sources of healing.
All the plants (animals, minerals, objects, etc.) around me are embodiments of love and sources of healing.
I feel my bed as an embodiment of love and a source of healing.
The air I breathe is an embodiment of love and a source of healing.
I trust love.
I am love.
I am the power of love.
I am the healing power of love.
I fill my whole space with love.
I am healing my body all the time.
I am healing my body even when my symptoms are evident.
I am healing my body even when I am in pain.
I am healing my body even when it appears otherwise.
I am healing every cell of my body at every moment of my life.
Opening to love sets me free.
I feel the presence of healing energy in my body.
Love is now healing my back [can name any other body part].
I am the healing power that relaxes my throat [can name any other body part].
I am the relaxation that heals my body.
I deserve to receive the healing power of love completely.
I have total confidence in my ability to receive the healing power of love.
I have everything it takes to heal completely.
I put total trust in the healing power of love.
Everything I do brings healing for me.
I commit to fully and continually opening to my healing energy in my thoughts.
The life energy that created my body is now recreating it.
I trust the life that brings me aliveness to expand my aliveness in my body.
In love, I embrace life.
I need not cling to life in desperation. I trust life, and know that it is always there for me. Therefore, I simply relax.
I embrace life heartily through the food I eat.
Because my body is becoming more peaceful, relaxed, and open, I am able to eat more food each day.
I am now comfortably accepting more and more nourishment into my body.
I have always been spiritually advanced enough to open to healing and to bring perfect health to my body. I forgive myself for not realizing this before. I am beginning to know this now, and I am thankful for that.
Whenever I speak the loving truth, I feel better. I am learning to speak the truth in my thoughts and words always.
It is easy for me to remember to speak the loving truth about my body and about everything else in my life.
The truth sets me free to be more fully who I already am.
I am already love, truth, life, health, joy, peace, and happiness.
I find it easy to accept my condition exactly the way it is right now, because I know that it is the perfect starting point for creating health.
I use however I feel as a starting point to create health.
I know that healing power is always present in my body, even when I cannot discern it.
I love and accept the parts of me that are skeptical or negative. They are perfect starting points for healing. I open to healing in the presence of my skepticism and negativity, just as I open to healing in the presence of my pain and discomfort.
I need no special circumstances to open to healing. I open to healing whether it is noisy or quiet. I open to healing whether I am fatigued or energetic. I open to healing even while others around me are fearful and negative.
The more strongly that others believe that I will not recover, the more my healing will inspire and bless them. Therefore, I do not mind their negativity. I will enjoy proving to them that they, too, can open to their healing power.
I joyfully anticipate fun things I am going to do when I have more strength. I also take full advantage of how things are now to enjoy myself. I listen to music that is pleasurable and healing. I enjoy life-affirming movies, inspiring reading, and other activities available to me now. Most of all, I cherish this golden opportunity to come to better know my beautiful self.
I let the river inside me flow.
I let the river inside me carry away all that does not belong.
I allow the river inside me to carry away all the pain in my body (my headache, the tumors, etc.).
I allow myself to feel the river inside me more fully.
I open to the river inside me in the face of pain.
The river inside me is carrying away my pain (cancer, etc.). I don't need it anymore.
I let go of my pain (cancer, etc.).
I let go of all sickness in my body; I don't need it anymore.
I let go of all confusion in my body; I don't need it anymore.
I let go of all fear in my body; I don't need it anymore.
The river of love carries away all fear from my body.
I trust my power.
I dare to be love.
I acknowledge my letting go.
I am the letting go.
I continue letting go.
I now allow my essence to come forth fully and fill my space.
I now allow my essence to burn away any residues of what does not belong.
As I let go of what does not belong, I feel lighter and lighter.
I allow love to come forth and fill my whole space.
I am the love that fills my space.
I include my anger (darkness, hate, shortcomings, etc.) in my love.
I forgive myself.
I forgive the part of me that makes mountains out of molehills (is self-indulgent, feels helpless, etc.).
I include in my love the part of me that feels powerless.
I am ready to let go.
I release my fear of letting go.
I let go.
I am whole.
I am the harmony of my wholeness.
I open to my harmony now.
I release my fear of harmony.
I reestablish harmony.
I allow myself to be fully in harmony.
I am at peace with my harmony.
I let go of all my limiting concepts about myself.
I open to my essence.
I now reclaim my life.
HEALING
I am the healing force.
I trust in the movement of love.
I release myself (my family, my friends [can name them individually]) into the hands of love.
I am the love in all things.
I have no need to hold on to anything because I am the love in all things.
It is safe for me to let go of all worry and just reveal the love that I am.
It is okay for me to just be.
I let go of all responsibility except the responsibility to be love.
I trust in the power of love to heal my body.
I trust in the love given to me by my doctors (family, friends, etc.) to help my body heal itself.
I let go of all worry about the future, knowing that as I yield to love, the very best things possible will happen.
I have no need to worry about anyone or anything. I can just be.
When I feel afraid, I love my fear.
When I feel anxious, I love my anxiety.
When I start to feel that I need to be in control, I love my feeling that I need to be in control.
I am not afraid of any of my feelings. I love all my feelings.
All my feelings are trying to help me get well. I include them in love so that I may truly get well.
I am thankful for all the opportunities I have to learn the lessons of love.
I find it easier and easier each day to let go and just be love.
I let go of all worry about what I should or should not do, and simply let myself know what is right for me to do moment by moment.
I know that I am being guided and that I cannot do the "wrong" thing.
I let the power of love heal me.
I no longer need to be in control of my healing process.
The more I let go, the more powerful I am.
The less I try to take responsibility, the more responsible I am.
I can just relax about everything that has been worrying me, and enjoy the process of healing.
The more I let go, the more alive I am.
The more I let go, the healthier I am.
I trust my body's urge to heal. I don't have to make it get well. All I have to do is support it.
I am becoming healthier every day.
As I yield to love, my body feels better and better.
I now release all negative thoughts I've picked up from others (through my medical treatment, etc.).
I allow new life to move in my heart [can name any area needing healing].
I receive the energy of my essence.
Each cell of my body receives the healing light of my essence.
I now let go to my inner healing source.
I am my healing power.
I am my healing source.
I receive healing energy into the top of my head [can name any other body part].
I receive healing energy into my fear [can name any other emotion].
I am my power in my hands [can name any other body part].
I receive healing.
I deserve to be healed.
I deserve to feel perfectly well.
I am as capable of receiving healing as anyone else.
Love and light are with me always.
I am eternally safe in the light.
I am always with the light.
The light is always with me.
I am the light.
I ask that the divine, universal spirit bring total healing into my life.
It is now safe for me to open to love.
I ask that the perfect pattern for my body come forth.
I feel the energy of the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I allow the energy of my perfect spiritual body to increase.
I receive perfect health into my physical body.
I fully let go of all old, negative patterns for my physical body.
I let go of all negative ideas about my body.
The perfect pattern for my body is always available.
No matter what symptoms I manifest, I am increasing my health.
I let healing come from the perfect spiritual pattern for my physical body.
I find it easy to let go.
I no longer need to clench.
It feels so good to let go and relax.
I am now fully supported from within.
I no longer experience myself as hanging off a cliff. I am on solid ground. Therefore, I can let go.
I give the spiritual pattern for my body a full opportunity to come forth.
I relax into the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I continue to receive the energy coming forth from the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I am the healing energy of my soul.
I receive my perfect spiritual pattern for my chest [can name any other body part].
I continue to open to the perfect spiritual pattern for my body.
I am a magnificent, radiant being.
I am light.
I allow my body to more fully receive the light of who I am.
I allow my struggle and resistance to receive the light of who I am.
I am the light that created my body and that now recreates it.
I am the light of total and absolute love manifested in my body.
I am the love that assuages all my fears.
I no longer have to struggle.
I open to my healing power twenty-four hours a day.
I give my healing power full permission to heal my body.
My healing power is healing me even when I'm doubting it.
I now allow myself to stay focused on receiving healing energy, even in the presence of painful symptoms.
I receive healing energy directly into all areas of need.
My pain is simply a reminder to open to healing energy.
I continue to receive healing power.
I am receiving healing in all that I do.
I now know that I am the source of healing for my body.
I am harmonious.
I receive energy.
I receive health.
I am the source of my health.
I receive love.
I receive love in my head [can name any other body part].
I release myself into love.
I accept my anger.
I love my anger.
I accept my frustration.
I love my frustration. (You cannot go past your frustration, for instance, but you can go through it. Love your frustration and it will change. There is power in acceptance and love. If you battle your frustration, it will entrench itself.)
I open to my frustration.
It is all right for me to feel angry and frustrated.
I relax into my anger and frustration.
I love and accept my body exactly the way it is, just as a mother loves and accepts her child exactly the way he (she) is.
Healing flows from my love and acceptance of my body.
Healing flows to my body in the presence of my anger and frustration.
Healing flows to my body no matter what I do or do not do.
My body is learning to relax in the presence of pain.
My body is learning to breathe freely in the presence of pain.
My body is learning to breathe freely all the time.
There is no need to fight or struggle with anything.
When I begin to fight or struggle, I remember to relax.
It is easy for me to relax completely.
It is easy for me to receive the healing power of love.
I acknowledge love as the fundamental energy of life.
I acknowledge love as the most powerful force in the universe.
Every cell of my body is receiving love.
Love is already a reality. I continue to open to it more and more.
I acknowledge the reduction of pain in my body.
I thank my body for opening to love in a greater way.
I allow my arms [can name any other body part] to open to love in a greater way.
I fully let go to love in my arms [can name any other body part].
I open to love (peace, etc.) with my whole being.
I let go of struggle.
I let go to the love I am.
My symptoms are parts of me crying out for my love.
Whenever I feel pain I respond with total love.
Whenever I feel frustrated (angry, etc.) with my pain, I respond with love to my frustration as well as to my pain.
I am learning to see love all around me.
All the people around me are embodiments of love.
Since love is the source of healing, I see all the people around me as sources of healing.
All the plants (animals, minerals, objects, etc.) around me are embodiments of love and sources of healing.
I feel my bed as an embodiment of love and a source of healing.
The air I breathe is an embodiment of love and a source of healing.
I trust love.
I am love.
I am the power of love.
I am the healing power of love.
I fill my whole space with love.
I am healing my body all the time.
I am healing my body even when my symptoms are evident.
I am healing my body even when I am in pain.
I am healing my body even when it appears otherwise.
I am healing every cell of my body at every moment of my life.
Opening to love sets me free.
I feel the presence of healing energy in my body.
Love is now healing my back [can name any other body part].
I am the healing power that relaxes my throat [can name any other body part].
I am the relaxation that heals my body.
I deserve to receive the healing power of love completely.
I have total confidence in my ability to receive the healing power of love.
I have everything it takes to heal completely.
I put total trust in the healing power of love.
Everything I do brings healing for me.
I commit to fully and continually opening to my healing energy in my thoughts.
The life energy that created my body is now recreating it.
I trust the life that brings me aliveness to expand my aliveness in my body.
In love, I embrace life.
I need not cling to life in desperation. I trust life, and know that it is always there for me. Therefore, I simply relax.
I embrace life heartily through the food I eat.
Because my body is becoming more peaceful, relaxed, and open, I am able to eat more food each day.
I am now comfortably accepting more and more nourishment into my body.
I have always been spiritually advanced enough to open to healing and to bring perfect health to my body. I forgive myself for not realizing this before. I am beginning to know this now, and I am thankful for that.
Whenever I speak the loving truth, I feel better. I am learning to speak the truth in my thoughts and words always.
It is easy for me to remember to speak the loving truth about my body and about everything else in my life.
The truth sets me free to be more fully who I already am.
I am already love, truth, life, health, joy, peace, and happiness.
I find it easy to accept my condition exactly the way it is right now, because I know that it is the perfect starting point for creating health.
I use however I feel as a starting point to create health.
I know that healing power is always present in my body, even when I cannot discern it.
I love and accept the parts of me that are skeptical or negative. They are perfect starting points for healing. I open to healing in the presence of my skepticism and negativity, just as I open to healing in the presence of my pain and discomfort.
I need no special circumstances to open to healing. I open to healing whether it is noisy or quiet. I open to healing whether I am fatigued or energetic. I open to healing even while others around me are fearful and negative.
The more strongly that others believe that I will not recover, the more my healing will inspire and bless them. Therefore, I do not mind their negativity. I will enjoy proving to them that they, too, can open to their healing power.
I joyfully anticipate fun things I am going to do when I have more strength. I also take full advantage of how things are now to enjoy myself. I listen to music that is pleasurable and healing. I enjoy life-affirming movies, inspiring reading, and other activities available to me now. Most of all, I cherish this golden opportunity to come to better know my beautiful self.
I let the river inside me flow.
I let the river inside me carry away all that does not belong.
I allow the river inside me to carry away all the pain in my body (my headache, the tumors, etc.).
I allow myself to feel the river inside me more fully.
I open to the river inside me in the face of pain.
The river inside me is carrying away my pain (cancer, etc.). I don't need it anymore.
I let go of my pain (cancer, etc.).
I let go of all sickness in my body; I don't need it anymore.
I let go of all confusion in my body; I don't need it anymore.
I let go of all fear in my body; I don't need it anymore.
The river of love carries away all fear from my body.
I trust my power.
I dare to be love.
I acknowledge my letting go.
I am the letting go.
I continue letting go.
I now allow my essence to come forth fully and fill my space.
I now allow my essence to burn away any residues of what does not belong.
As I let go of what does not belong, I feel lighter and lighter.
I allow love to come forth and fill my whole space.
I am the love that fills my space.
I include my anger (darkness, hate, shortcomings, etc.) in my love.
I forgive myself.
I forgive the part of me that makes mountains out of molehills (is self-indulgent, feels helpless, etc.).
I include in my love the part of me that feels powerless.
I am ready to let go.
I release my fear of letting go.
I let go.
I am whole.
I am the harmony of my wholeness.
I open to my harmony now.
I release my fear of harmony.
I reestablish harmony.
I allow myself to be fully in harmony.
I am at peace with my harmony.
I let go of all my limiting concepts about myself.
I open to my essence.
I now reclaim my life.
Overcoming Fear
Overcoming Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt
by John D. Moore, MS, CADC
Four things you can do to chase away the enemies of goal attainment & move onto reaching you dreams!
When he was 32, Dylan fulfilled his longtime dream of becoming a professional body builder. For him, winning first place in the state championship was even more spectacular than he had imagined. Now he set a new goal that would drive his decision making process for the next decade: To become a professional trainer to those who desired to improve their physical appearance. Today, Dylan is runs a thriving business and clears nearly six figures a year.
Achieving his goals was anything but easy, because along the way, many people attempted to dissuade him off his path through the use of FUD. Simply put, FUD is Fear, Uncertainty and Doubt. It is quite possibly the most powerful weapon that others will use against you to prevent you from reaching your lifetime goals. Sometimes the use of FUD is insidious, cloaked in a message that is designed to plant the seedlings of self-doubt and thus deter you from your dreams. In Dylan's case, several so-called friends told him, "There is no money to be made in personal training – why bother?"
So how do you deal with FUD? Consider a few simple precepts:
IMAGINE YOURSELF MEETING YOUR GOALS
Once you have identified your goal(s), visualize yourself in them to help motivate yourself in their achievement. This may mean keeping a journal of the things you are doing to reach your goal. It may also mean placing up visual aids in places that you can see to self-remind you of your goal. Example: If you goal is to lose weight, place a picture up of a favorite celebrity's body image that you wish to emulate. Another helpful tip: Read up on topics related to your dream. If you want to buy a new car, start examining periodicals that address this topic. All of these activities are designed to strengthen your resolve to achieve your goal and fortify you against the next several points.
TUNE OUT NEGATIVE REMARKS BY OTHERS
Sadly, there is always going to be someone who will try and deter you from your lifetime dreams by attempting to mentally sabotage your efforts through negative remarks. Recently, a college professor at well known Chicago University attempted this on me by using negativity with regard to where I am earning my Ph.D. (University of South Africa) [UNISA]. Specifically, he said, "You are going to the world's largest correspondence school – don't expect to get a professorship at a college." Little did the "good professor" know that I was already an instructor at a university – or that no less than two Nobel Prize Laureates were graduates from UNISA. He also did not know that UNISA is not a correspondence school, but rather, a distance learning institution with roots starting in the 1800s that does have students on the physical campus. What is my point? People who are uninformed are often the most vocal in trying to sabotage your goals. Always consider both the source and motivation behind negative messages. Ask yourself: "Why would this person say such a thing?" Negative remarks by others causes one to experience personal fear – fear of the unknown and fear of the future. Don't give others the power over your dreams! Avoid these people like the plague and tune them out!
AVOID NEGATIVE SELF TALK
One surefire that will cause goal derailment is engaging in negative self-talk. Let me give you an example. Some time ago, a friend of mine had set a goal of losing 50 LBS within a six-month period. During the beginning of her goal, she started doubting her efforts and saying things like, "I've always been fat – I will never lose this weight." Sure enough, FUD began to overwhelm her thoughts and soon she had given up on her longtime dream of having a toned physique. It took several years to pass before she learned to stop engaging in negative self-talk and move onto losing the weight. So what happened to her? Today, she has a body that most women would envy and instructs others on staying motivated to lose weight. Negative self-talk plants the seedlings of uncertainty, meaning that it will cause your goals to become clouded with anxiety. Counter this by focusing on why you are working towards your goal. Drop the words can't and won't from your vocabulary and replace them with words like can and will. A rather simplistic approach, but simple changes like these can go along way in making your dreams come true.
SURROND YOURSELF AROUND POSITIVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A SIMILAR GOAL
One of the best ways to help you achieve your goal is to surround yourself around others who have like interests. For example, if your goal is to retire at 50, you may want to join an online investment club and find others who are looking to do the same. Perhaps your goal is to earn your college degree, but the only way to do so is through an online university due to family and work obligations. If this is the case, it may be helpful to connect with others who are doing the same thing so as to stay motivated. If you want to write a book, but have heard that it is difficult to get it published, consider joining a writer's club. You get the point. Surrounding yourself around others who have a positive attitude with similar interests will keep you on track to goal attainment by chasing away doubt while instilling personal motivation.
CONCLUSION
Reaching a personal goal brings about a sense of accomplishment and personal satisfaction. To achieve your goal, learn how to identify the gremlins of goal derailment, which primarily consists of FUD. You can defeat FUD imagining yourself achieving your goals, tuning out negative remarks by others, personal negative self-talk and finally, surrounding yourself around others who have similar interests. Once you have learned to defeat FUD, you will have gone along way in achieving your dreams – it happened for Dylan and it can happen for you.
About the Author
johndmoore.net
JOHN D. MOORE, MS, CADC is the author of Confusing Love With Obsession: When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship (Writer's Club Press), a book containing a variety of case histories regarding people who use controlling behaviors in personal relationships. Moore is a certified addictions counselor in the state of Illinois and a Professor of Health Sciences at American Public University.
TIPS FOR HAPPY & SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
TIPS FOR HAPPY & SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE
Ten ways of increasing happiness in your marriage and making it a successful one. The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
Enter the Marriage With the Right Intention and Renew this Often
Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Be Your Mate's Best Friend
Spend Quality Time Together
Express Feelings Often
Admit to Mistakes and Ask for Forgiveness
Never Bring Up Mistakes of the Past
Surprise Each Other at Times
Have a Sense of Humor
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements
Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses become upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
Ten ways of increasing happiness in your marriage and making it a successful one. The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
Enter the Marriage With the Right Intention and Renew this Often
Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Be Your Mate's Best Friend
Spend Quality Time Together
Express Feelings Often
Admit to Mistakes and Ask for Forgiveness
Never Bring Up Mistakes of the Past
Surprise Each Other at Times
Have a Sense of Humor
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements
Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses become upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
Living, Loving and Learning
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk rejection.
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.
Only a person who takes risks is free.
From the book Living, Loving and Learning
by Dr. Leo Buscaglia
Does Couples Counseling Work?
Couples counseling can indeed work very well to rescue a faltering relationship. It can also improve relationships that aren't particularly troubled. Of course, there are no guarantees in life, so whether it is successful for any specific couple will depend on a number of factors.
There are several things that it helps to know when beginning couples counseling. One is that if you're expecting the counselor to agree with you about all your mate's shortcomings, you're going to be disappointed. A good counselor will help a couple recognize the real problem areas and find ways to deal with their issues appropriately, often in ways that can actually strengthen the relationship. But it's not about who's right and who's wrong or taking sides in any way. It's about the relationship and making it as good as possible for both partners.
Another good thing to know is that often whether couples counseling is successful or not depends on whether both people are willing to see it through and work at it. Even the best counselors can't fix the relationship for you; all they can do is help you recognize the issues and learn to work them out in constructive and positive ways. A partner who is dragged unwilling to counseling will just about ensure a lack of success. Both sides really need to be open to counseling and willing to give it an honest try. In fact, it's best if the couple picks out the counselor together.
One final thing it's good to know: going to counseling doesn't mean someone's a bad person or a failure of any kind. Despite what most people seem to think, successful and long-lasting relationships don't "just happen." They take certain skills and understandings, and in this day and age many of us haven't had the chance to learn how on our own. Going to couples counseling isn't an admission of defeat, it's a demonstration of one's desire to have a satisfying relationship.
Loyalty
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I came to the bay area alone. I leave the bay area alone. Packing alone, cleaning out my Oakland apartment alone, seeing myself off. I guess I didn’t come here so much to develop roots, although in some fundamental way this occurred. I came to really understand what roots are. It is a hard lesson to learn. I came to love so many people in the bay area and I learned more about myself by loving these people. I cannot move on without making note of this. Otherwise the pain, struggle, and tears would have been in vain. Although we won’t be living or working within the same physical community, there are very few loved ones who are deeply rooted in my heart for life.
I have learned the importance of loyalty. Being loyal and learning to identify and appreciate those who are loyal are essential to building fam. Loyalty is a major aspect of how a person’s character is determined. Loyalty is defined by the ability to be consistently reliable in their word and action. A loyal person is selfless, yet not foolish. A loyal person does not express companionship only when it is convenient, but understands the importance of sacrifice and giving in moments of need by another. A loyal person who is wise does choose carefully who is considered a loved one, but does not fool others into companionship under the pretense of friendship. A loyal person respects the time, energy, and effort it takes to build trust, and does not allow others to invest in something that does not or will not exist. I am still learning how to identify those who are loyal, and those who seek superficial companionship. Patience, time, and trials are determining factors. So are a person's actions. How do I seek deeply rooted friendships without involving myself in risk, without allowing myself to become vulnerable? I don’t know if there’s a way. And perhaps this is why I’ve found myself alone for most of my life, why I seem to overcome most obstacles that push me to the very edge of life itself- alone. Somehow this strength is a mystery. If it weren’t for purpose- a purpose for living- I wouldn’t have my life.
My faith lies not in religion, but in purpose. Purpose is a spiritual concept. I know that there are meaningful reasons for having come across the people in my life, the conflicts I have encountered, the blessings I have embraced, and the pain I have learned from. I find it truly a miracle to continue to be alive- to choose life. Without purpose there would be no living- only meaningless pain, destruction, disaster, and undermined luck. But with purpose, I am understanding the depth in every course life has taken me, and I choose to find the courage to learn from it- even when it could be easy to give into emotional sway and say “fuck the world” sometimes. So every conflict, no matter how ugly it is, is a jewel- an opportunity to grow and become stronger, to understand the meaning of overcoming.
Life is a war. The victory in each battle is to see where love is hidden and develop a knowledge of self. Understanding the act of loving others and myself in a colonized world is the most challenging aspect of this war. Because so many aspects of colonization are deeply engrained in each of us, the way we develop relationships with others, and how we choose to go about the course of our lives, loving is a decolonizing process in itself. Once I began to see that, I realized the different ways that love can manifest itself in a twisted world. Love with no trust. Love with anger. There are people today who I love, feel a sense of loyalty and respect towards, yet maintain a distance from. Some of them may not know that I love them and recognize their beauty. They may not know that despite their trespasses against my trust, there is still a love that exists despite what I may want to feel.
A deeply rooted relationship then consists of an appreciation and loyalty toward that love- but also toward trust. I may love those who have disrespected me, but developing roots cannot occur in a relationship where respect is lacking. My challenge then is to seek wholesome relationships that contain all the qualities necessary to become sustainable- loyalty, trust, respect, and love. I believe I have grown to understand the weight of such an investment, and so I must invest wisely. I have also understood that I have to expect from myself what I expect in others. I have to be conscious of my own actions as well.
Labels: Pensamientos and Ruminations
Posted by Tigera Consciente @ 4:57 PM :: (0) comments
Reflections #1
An incomplete entry I wrote on my first flight to Rochester to go apartment hunting…
While on the plane flying towards my first trip to Rochester NY, where I will be attending grad school for the next year I took the time to reflect on a lot of things. One of the greatest things about 5 hour flights is having that time where we are forced to slow down. But this flight in particular is important. I’m been in the Bay Area since Sept 10, 2001, and it finally hit me that I’m about to physically leave behind the people, places, and cultural elements that have profoundly shaped my sense of humanity, identity, and knowledge of self, for life. I could write a book about these 6 precious years of my life; but I find particularly significant the last two years. Reflection is important for a number of things. It helps me develop and improve as a person in this world, as a spirit going through a journey of self-actualization and holistic growth, and it validates and gives concrete meaning to the lessons I’ve learned (and have yet to learn) so that when similar situations present themselves I’ll be able to identify a frame of reference much more easily.
Humility: Always stay self-critical. Of course many people could read this and agree that it is a great thing to be. But I’ve encountered situations where I’ve lacked humility and stagnated my own growth. I’ve finally come face to face with the significance of this principle and how this self-checking mechanism also develops the character and maturity of individuals. Humility also helps me become better at being myself; better at anything I practice, better at developing relationships with others, better at assessing any situation. Humility allows me to be honest with myself and develop knowledge of self. Humility is a spiritual principle as well. It allows me to ask whether I’m being true to the spiritual journey I have accepted to take and whether I’m moving in the right direction.
Character over reputation.: This is a principle adopted by one of my mentors. Although I believe it’s geared towards self-reflection, to me it’s is particularly significant in developing relationships with others both in personal intimate situations, but also in assessing people who stand out as leaders within the movement for social change and justice for oppressed folks. As a developing educator that views my line of work as developing a world of critical thinkers, I tend to look out to others who are more experienced, actualized, and successful leaders in education. It isn’t enough to judge a person by the accomplishments they’ve been recognized for. I’m the type of person who a lot of the time learns the hard way: by fuckin up, big time. I’ve been seriously wronged by attempting to develop intimate relationships with others, trusting that their character (what they do when nobody is looking) will coincide with the work that they have been recognized for. I’ve also blindly trusted my judgments upon people based on their relationships with others I trust. It takes a lot of time and close evaluation of others before feeling like I can begin to develop a relationship with them. It’s a dangerous thing to place somebody in a bubble of romanticized greatness as many do with revolutionary leaders like Che Guevara, Malcolm X, and Toussaint L’overature. All of these people have been brave enough to take risks to defend humanity, but they’ve also had their share of human faults. I think this is a lot easier said than done, and so my goal is to be conscious about the reasons I choose to trust others.
Loyalty: This is a principle I’ve been learning about all my life and each stage of my life presents itself with a more developed appreciation for this virtue. It’s always been one of the first tools I use to assess others with. At this stage in my life where I am seeking further grounding, I’ve become conscious of the importance of loyalty in developing relationships that last. Loyalty is a major quality in assessing the character of others as well as my own. It is also something I should be careful about. I can honestly say I’m usually (though not always) a person who’s loyal to a lot of people who haven’t been necessarily loyal to me. This can be a strength. It can also be a trap. There’s a serious need for me to assess who I choose to trust by evaluating their level of loyalty. Sometimes I’ve also found that people reveal themselves unexpectedly in good and bad ways by their actions around being loyal. Some have kept their loyalty after serious fallouts when I expected them not to, while others I’ve been hurt by due to their inconsistency around this principle. Assessing loyalty is a sifting mechanism- one of the ways we can make choices about who to keep near and who to keep at a distance.
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Labels: Pensamientos and Ruminations
Posted by Tigera Consciente @ 4:53 PM :: (0) comments
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
What's Rochester Like??
A city I'm still tryna figure out..
Anybody who's Latino is Puerto Rican
Black folks don't head straight to the back of the bus like they do in NYC and in the Bay Area
The bus lines run about two hours apart
The ghetto is seriously dilapidated
The white suburbian areas have sprinkles of dilapidated vacancies (and dilapidated occupied houses) - I walked in the middle of a process of gentrification (in a dying city as I was told??)
White folks think the suburbs is still the city
Black folks say white folks live in the suburbs
White folks are dead scared to drive in the hood even during the day (nothin new here)
Puerto Rican folks still hang their flags outside their houses, just like they do in NYC and the Bay Area when you find them
The suburbs are flooded with USA flags, I get mean mugged on those streets (nothin new here either)
The cops disturb the peace in white neighborhoods when they're disturbing the Black folks who live in them
Most white folks have issues saying the word ghetto.. as if it were the "N" word
Renting homeowners talk about gentrification as if it was the greatest thing, and refer to the new "Boulders Coffee" on the block as a sure mark of it.. what's with coffee and gentrification??
