PostCommunication..Pitfalls to and derailers of Marriage

PostCommunication..Pitfalls to and derailers of Marriage


Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2003
What do you see as the major pitfalls to successful couple's communication? What stops listening? What stops open expression?

Here is a small list to start with.....

*Expectiing others to know how we're feeling or what we want without expressing ourselves directly. Expecting others to read our minds... A killer!

*Conflict avoidance--sweeping it under the rug. Conflict avoidance is often fueled by silly beliefs like "people in love shouldn't argue". Perhaps we're fearful of hurting another's feelings or being hurt ourselves. People get very frustrated with folks who are constant conflict avoiders. Some level of conflict is to be expected in any relationship. The trick is in how people negotiate these conflicts.

*Anxiety about dissaproval and rejection often stops some people from expressing themselves.... They don't get their preferences, wants, and desires addressed because they're too fearful of voicing them. People suffering with approvalneeditus will be afraid to let others know what's really happening inside themselves.

*Passive-aggressive behavior, a very indirect and often highly frustrating way of expressing anger and annoyance. Passive-aggressive behavior decimates couple communication. Passive agression is sometimes mistaken for with conflict avoidance and vice versa.

*Strong fearful or negative attitudes towards change may block persons from even asking for it. Here people label their partners as unalterable, stubborn, always like "that". "What's the use"?..."They never will" and "they always"...

*Believing we must not have certain kinds of feelings or express them. We should never be anxious, envious, jealous, angry, or down. This leads to an inhibition in expressing how we feel. Some people who feel angry but lacking a suitable outlet for that anger turn in upon themselves...the is sure fire recipe for depression.

*We become silent martyrs to indirectly get attention. Sulking and pouting are in this vein. This does wonders for couple communication. NOT! Complaining, nagging, cajoling, and becoming a victim are more direct derailers of good communications.

*Focusing on solving problems instead of listening, when only a listening ear was wanted...This can disconnect us from someone who is trying to express their feelings and thoughts.

*The license to say anything we want regardless of how the other person feels. What we say does have some impact. Some people use their "honesty" to whip others with....They often decribe themselves as "straight shooters" or that they "fire from the hip"....often they will say things along the lines of "well that's just the way I am"....or 'that's me", as if this were an acceptable excuse for acting like an emotional neanderthal.

*Blaming our partner and seeing them as the sole cause of a problem.

*Believing we're right and the other person is wrong. Proving a point becomes more important than the relationship. Winning the battle becomes everything even to the point of losing the campaign.

*Blindness to our own behavior. We focus on your partner's "nagging", yet fail to see that we DON'T..... feed the dog or put out the trash, and that we DO leave clothes strewn all over the floor of the bedroom.

*Self-absorbtion and entitlement. Thinking we're the axis on which the world turns creates large communications problems.

*Defensiveness. The Big One. This is where we shut down listening to others because we fear criticism. Here we argue and defend ourselves instead of hearing the other person out and noticing that there is a kernal of truth in their statements. (Sometimes many kernals)

* Lack of trust. We wall ourselves off because we automatically assume we're going to be ripped off in some way or come out one down in the exchange. This makes communication difficult.

*On guard for being controlled. We see being controlled around every corner. This leads to automatic opposition on our parts which dampens communication.

*Helpaholism. Compulsively seeking to help when others just want to be heard. Helps to create frustration.

*Hidden agendas. The actual motives for why we want to do something are not being voiced.

*Global labels and generalizations distort communication. They can be used to personally attack someone instead of focusing on behaviors.

*Regurgitating the past (both distant and near) can stifle present communications.

*Making strong negative comparisons between our partner and ex partners, families of origin may shut down communications. Labelling them as being "just like your mother, father, brother who is in the a mental ward, prison and so on...

*Threats block communications. Threatening divorce or mayhem can shut down communications.

*Sarcasm. This form of communication shuts it down. It demonstrates contempt for another.

*Changing the subject.

*Being overly placating. This frustrates others because they sense we don't want to communicate or that we're not really involved.

*Our minds are elsewhere either daydreaming or displays or impatience.(finger drumming, foot tapping etc...)

*Selectively hearing only parts of the other person's communication.

*Stonewalling...

posted by Robert Heard at 3:14 PM