The 5 Sides of Intimacy in Marriage
Hint: It's more than just sex
By Gary D. Chapman
Henry was usually jovial and positive. Last night, however, he came late to our church meeting and didn't have much to say.
"I'll never understand women," he told me after the meeting. "My wife thinks we need more intimacy. She says we aren't as close as we used to be. I don't know what she's talking about. I thought we had a good marriage."
All-encompassing
There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another. That's because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?
Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.
Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.
Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.
Practicing intimacy
An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.
In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.
What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.
The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.
In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.
Labels: intimacy, marriage
How to Safeguard Your Marriage
Another Secret to Fixing Your Relationship
When Chrissy Redden set her sights on an Olympic gold medal, she gave up a promising senior management position in the food industry to train full-time. As she trained to qualify for the 2000 Olympics, a fan questioned the Canadian mountain biker's sacrifice. "Why do so many Olympic athletes sacrifice their careers, education, and future livelihoods for a chance at the gold?" he asked. "I just can't imagine giving up all that!"
It's a good question, isn't it? Why do athletes sacrifice, endure pain, push their bodies beyond their limits, and pass up other opportunities? The answer: they want to! And why do they want to? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT.
Physical fitness isn't just about adding elements that improve your health, like exercise and more fruits and vegetables. It's also about SUBTRACTING elements that are NOT compatible with your goal. Could you really call yourself "healthy" if you exercised faithfully but continued to smoke or eat at fast food restaurants?
Your marriage is like physical fitness. If you want to be successful, you have to STOP certain activities that are unhealthy for your relationship.
Renewing your marriage is like training for a gold medal; it takes 2 kinds of commitment. It takes commitment to do some things AND a commitment to AVOID doing other things.
"Avoid doing what?" you might ask. There’s much to this, but for now your task is to pick one thing OF YOUR CHOICE. What one thing, if you refrained from doing it, would improve your marriage? What one thing are YOU doing that’s unhealthy for your relationship? Pick one thing and begin refraining from it today.
Not sure what to pick? Ask yourself the following questions.
Is your spouse troubled by an emotional connection you have with someone else? Is your spouse uncomfortable with physical contact you have with your opposite-sex friends? Does your
spouse feel that you give more attention to the TV than you do them?
Is your intimacy with someone else interfering with the potential intimacy you could have with your spouse? (physically or emotionally)
Is your spouse uncomfortable with the intensity of your relationship with your mother, father, brother, sister, or aunt? Do you spend too much time and energy on work, a hobby, or with a particular person?
If you answered "no" to the questions in the above paragraphs, think deeper. Are you sure the answers are "no"? Do yourself a favor; ASK YOUR SPOUSE those same questions! I bet you'll be surprised by the answers. If you couldn't think of anything to refrain from doing that would improve your marriage, I bet your spouse can suggest something. Ask your spouse!
In the public seminars I do with couples, I ask people to raise their hand if they know of something they could REFRAIN from doing that would improve their marriage. Usually, very few hands go up. I then ask people to raise their hand if they know of something THEIR SPOUSE does that if they refrained from doing would make a big difference in their marriage. Usually, almost every hand goes up.
If you and your spouse were in private sessions with me, what would I discover that YOU are doing that's inhibiting the success of your marriage?
Tami (name changed) came to me for private sessions because she was uncomfortable with the relationship that her husband, Andy (name changed), had with one of his work colleagues. She was convinced that it wasn't sexual, but the way they giggled together and sometimes touched felt invasive to her.
I asked Tami if she ever discussed this with Andy. She said, "No, because I know what he'll say."
"What will he say?" I asked.
"He'll say that I'm crazy and that there's nothing going on between them," Tami responded. "But what IS going on between them is SOMETHING even though it's not sexual."
I asked Tami to have the discussion with him anyway. And Tami was right. It went EXACTLY as she predicted.
So I asked to have an appointment with Andy. He agreed.
I talked privately with Andy about his relationship with this woman. Tami was right. It was not sexual. They were just friends.
I asked Andy what he enjoyed most about his relationship with his work colleague. Predictably, he said, "We have fun. When we're together, we laugh."
"Do you like to laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, I need the release occasionally. Things at home and work are so serious." Andy replied.
"Do you ever play and giggle with Tami," I asked.
"No, we're not like that together," Andy said.
"But it sounds like you need that in your life," I said.
"I do. But I don't get it at home," Andy said.
"Andy, you don't get it at home because you don't need it by the time you get home. Your friend at work is fulfilling you in this regard. And your wife feels violated. You're being emotionally unfaithful!" I explained.
"How would you like to connect and giggle with Tami like you connect and giggle with your X?" I asked.
"I would love it," Andy said. "But it doesn't happen with Tami."
"It doesn't happen with Tami because you don't need it to happen with her. Create the need and YOU will make it happen," I suggested.
In this case, I convinced Andy to tone down his relationship at work and create the need for laughter in his life to be fulfilled MOSTLY by his wife. It worked and this one adjustment transformed their marriage.
By the way, I heard from Andy that the other woman’s marriage was also transformed. She also was getting a need fulfilled from Andy that was robbing her and her husband of an opportunity to connect.
Refraining from any of the following might improve your marriage:
- a friendship that your spouse feels is emotionally unfaithful
- flirting
- TV watching
- computer game playing
- a hobby or interest
- excessive work hours
- excessively friendly touching, hugging, or kissing of friends
If you still haven't selected something you can refrain from doing that will improve your marriage, go over the above list with your spouse.
This can be challenging. As difficult as it is to begin a new discipline, it's usually more difficult to break old habits. REFRAINING asks you to break an old habit. Not an easy matter. And that's why this topic gets a lot of attention in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp (see below for schedule of next program) where I help you identify the actions harming your marriage and I give you the support you need to refrain from them or at least curtail them. And you’ll also learn how to get your spouse to refrain from the things they’re doing that’s hurting your marriage, whether they’re currently cooperative or not.
Redden was able to REFRAIN when she contemplated her future. The decision to give up her career was difficult, she admitted, but said, "I imagined myself older and talking to my grandchildren. Which would I regret more: giving up my job or giving up a chance at a gold medal?"
What about you? Which would you regret more: refraining from behaviors that interfere with your ability to connect to your spouse or giving up the chance to have a lasting healthy marriage?
After achieving her Olympic dream and taking eighth place in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Redden says she's never regretted her decision, even with the sacrifice involved. Neither will you.
How can I Improve my Marriage?
Save Your Marriage
You might be surprised to learn that some of the best tips for improving your marriage are based on the simplest ideas. Start by showing your husband or wife courtesy. This may seem like a given, but couples easily fall out of the habit of showing one another the same common courtesy they show the bank teller or the cashier at the grocery store. Courtesy makes your spouse feel worthy of your respect.
No matter how long you have been married, saying please and thank you will never go out of style, and neither will greeting your partner pleasantly and acknowledging his or her presence. You greet the mail carrier and you speak to the salesperson that comes to your door, but do you greet your spouse as warmly when he or she comes in? You probably did when your marriage was new, so what happened? Always remember that making someone feel special, cared for and worthy, inspires that person to treat you the same way.
If you want to develop a more intimate marriage, try to encourage more intimate communication. While this area is usually addressed by directing you to be more open and honest with your feelings, which is of course important, it also includes becoming a more intimate listener. Do you really take the time to listen to what your spouse is saying, or are you too busy thinking about other things, or planning what to say next?
Another important element in a good marriage is the ability to have fun together. Take some one-on-one time and do something you have not done in years. Go dancing, go for a walk, or go to the park and play tennis. You might even decide to try an entirely new activity; it doesn't really matter what you choose to do as long as you enjoy doing it together. Incorporating fun into your marriage is guaranteed to lessen tension.
It is also important to occasionally get away together from the daily grind, and this doesn't just mean getting away from your work; it also means taking a break from the responsibilities of home and marriage. Take the time to enjoy your spouse, your love, as you did early in your marriage. Even if it is just for the weekend, or if it means running off to a local hotel overnight and dining in a great restaurant, plan that special rendezvous.
Finally, put your spouse's needs ahead of your own, at least on occasion. Making your spouse feel like the most important person in the world--as well as in your marriage--will cause him or her to want to reciprocate. Wouldn't it be nice if someone made you feel that special? Your husband or wife thinks so too.
New: Post your questions or comments about this article!
What You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Executive Director of New Hope
Many people I talk to don't know what a healthy marriage looks like. What they've seen in their parents' marriage or what they experienced in their own is disappointing and painful. To them marriage leads to divorce, abuse, betrayal, continual conflict, or emotional distance.
If this includes you then it may be hard for you to believe that it is possible for you to have a good and growing marriage. But some people do. Husbands and wives can be faithful friends who care for and encourage one another as they share their hopes and fears, their joys and sorrows. This is God's design. And it makes a strong foundation from which to raise healthy children and to reach out and serve God effectively. I know this is possible because I've experienced it in my own marriage since 1986 and I know others who have too.
Of course, even if your spouse is not a supportive friend you can find satisfaction and opportunity for growth in your marriage. And if you're marriage is disappointing to you there are things you can do to improve it.
Focus on Yourself Not Your Spouse
What can you do for your marriage? How can you increase your marital satisfaction and improve your relationship? The crucial thing is that you have to let go of expecting your spouse to change and work on yourself. Developing a better marriage begins with becoming a better spouse yourself!
I don't think anything hurts a marriage more than expecting your spouse to make things better. I often tell people who think this way that even if their husband or wife changes they won't feel much better about their relationship until they make some needed changes themselves. "But if he would justÖ then I'd feel so much more loved," wives often reply. Similarly, husbands say to me, "If she wouldÖ then I'd be happy."
This kind of thinking just doesn't work. Here's why. You can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. And trying to change your spouse will create tension in your relationship and actually discourage him or her from changing!
Think about it. You don't like to be pressured, fixed, demanded upon, controlled, or manipulated either. You don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. That's probably how your spouse feels if you're expecting him or her to make the marriage better for you. If your spouse has taken on the responsibility for your happiness in the marriage then he or she is likely to feel angry, anxious, or depressed and to either back away from you or to fight you on it.
Change Demands into Wants
The bottom line is that each of us are responsible for our own well-being and behavior. Of course, sacrifice and thoughtful caring for your spouse are important for your marriage. But boundaries of personal responsibility need to be maintained and expectations/demands for your spouse need to be changed into desires/requests.
If there's something important that you want your spouse to do for you then ask. But make sure that you ask without pressure, realizing that your spouse has the right to say no, even if it's disappointing to you. Instead of saying, "You shouldÖ" say "I wantÖ Can you support me with that?" And instead of saying, "Why didn't you...?" say, "Next time it would help me if you could try toÖ"
The other issue that we need to acknowledge is that it's difficult to make real and lasting changes in how we relate with others. To do it you've got to be motivated. And if you're the one who wants a better relationship then you're the one who is motivated! So don't expect your spouse to do what he or she isn't motivated to do. Instead, focus your energies on what you are responsible for and what you can control ñ your behavior!
Then as you grow and make changes talk to your spouse about what you're learning. And set an example for him or her to follow.
You Can't Lose!
This way you can't lose. Hopefully, your husband or wife will respond well to the changes you make by making some changes of his or her own. In this case you're marriage will certainly improve. But even if you're spouse doesn't join you and follow your example you'll still be better off. Any positive changes that you make and any new skills that you develop will work to increase your happiness and effectiveness not only in your marriage, but in your other relationships and activities as well.
So with this in mind, let's work on your growth. All of us have issues that we can improve on in order to be a better husband or wife. Here's a list of what I think are some of the most important characteristics of a healthy spouse. I've limited this list to things that you can do to improve your marriage regardless of whether or not your spouse participates in working on your marriage.
As you read these traits I invite you to take inventory of yourself. Resist the temptation to evaluate your spouse. Instead check the areas that you need to work on. Then pick two or three to focus on and work at putting them into practice - one at a time.
Characteristics of a Good Spouse
Get help. Talk with others you trust and respect in confidence about your marriage and your role in it. Seek compassionate support and solicit honest feedback on what you need to work on.
Take initiative to spend time with your spouse. Don't wait for your spouse to make a date with you or to set time to talk with you. Suggest it yourself. If your husband or wife feels pressured by this then you'll need to back off some and chose your opportunities carefully.
Say, "I'm sorry." Admit to your weaknesses and wrongdoings, especially when they're hurtful to your spouse. And then show concern for your spouse's feelings and try not to do it again.
Forgive. When you've been hurt by your spouse extend forgiveness. Don't hold onto resentments, they'll eat away at your insides and your marriage too.
Be an active listener. Ask your spouse how he/she feels and then listen. Listen without giving advice or reacting emotionally. Try to understand life from his/her perspective. Then demonstrate your understanding by summarizing what you're hearing.
Invite your spouse to understand you. Time and again I see people misuse their opportunity to be understood and supported by their spouse because they're blaming or talking about their partner's behavior instead of their own experience. When it's your chance to share, verbalize your feelings (experiences and needs). Don't argue about what really happened. Don't analyze your spouse's behavior, feelings, or motives. Talk about your feelings, making "I statements" and not "You statements."
Respect your spouse's boundaries. If he/she says, "I can't talk now." or "It hurts me when you criticize me. Please don't." then you need to respect that. Don't try to control your partner's behavior. You're responsible for your behavior and that's enough for you to manage!
Set your boundaries. Acknowledge your limitations on your time and energy and abilities. Give what you can to your spouse, but take care of yourself too. And, by all means, don't tolerate being repeatedly abused, raged at, betrayed, mistreated, or manipulated. You should be treated with respect. If you're not then set boundaries to protect yourself and to get your needs met.
Work to improve your own weaknesses. People with strong character that I know are aware of their faults and work to improve themselves. They learn from the feedback about themselves that they receive from others and are invested in their own growth. Perhaps more than any other relationship, marriage makes us aware of our personal issues that we need to work on. Accept this as an opportunity for personal growth.
Be considerate of your spouse's weaknesses. In troubled marriages the partners criticize each other's faults, continually expecting each other to be different than they are. By contrast, in growing marriages partners compensate for one another's weakness by anticipating them and working around them. Give your spouse grace!
Affirm your spouse's strengths. Verbalize admiration and appreciation for the good qualities and contributions he or she makes. This is just as important for little things like, "Thanks for taking out the trash" as it is for big things like, "I admire you as a parent. You really put yourself into caring for our kids." Appreciation is especially valuable if it relates directly to your marriage. For instance, a wife said to her husband, "It meant a lot to me when you took time to listen to me last night before we went to bed. Thanks."
Talk positively about your spouse to others. Frequently, when I talk with people who are having problems in their marriage I find out that they routinely talk badly about their husband or wife to their family and friends, sometimes even in front of him or her. People I know who have good marriages never do this! If they have a problem with their spouse then they talk to him or her about it or they talk to a trusted confidante. And when they talk about their marriage problems they do so without blaming their spouse. They take responsibility for their part in a problem and own up to their reactions as being under their control.
Respond to your spouse's needs. What's important to your spouse is probably different than what's important to you. People feel loved in different ways. Sharing feelings, being appreciated, special time together, affection, sex, thoughtful gifts, and shared activities are a few examples. Know your spouse's love language and be sure to use it often.
Express interest in what's important to your spouse. Talk to your spouse about the things that interest him or her. Questions like "How did you enjoy lunch with your friend today?" or "How's your project going?" show that you care.
Be kind. This tip may be last in the list, but it's certainly not the least important. Kindness goes along ways to create warmth and positive feelings in a relationship. Every day there are opportunities for simple, kind gestures that show you care. A compliment, a hug, a note, or a favor takes only a moment, and yet they can brighten your spouse's day and your marriage.
Improve Your Marriage with 16 Words
Phrases you need to add to your relationship vocabulary
by Rachel Gurevic
middle-aged couple sat in a marriage counselor's office. "I don't understand why we waste our time here; our marriage is already over," the woman cried, her husband shifting uneasily in his chair. "My husband, he doesn't love me."
"What are you talking about," the husband said, turning to the counselor, "I don't know why she says things--"
"Because you do not!" she interrupted. "After 15 years, you just do not love me any more." The bickering continued, with the wife claiming her husband no longer loved her and the man continuing to defend himself.
"Do you tell your wife that you love her?" the counselor asked the husband.
"She knows that I love her! I come home every night, don't I?" he answered, "I give her money to buy anything she wants. I agreed to come here to talk, and ah...I, ah..."
"Yes," the counselor interjected, "But do you tell your wife 'I love you'?" The couple looked at each other, the woman shaking her head.
"Well," the husband said, "Why do I have to? Isn't it obvious?"
Obviously, it's not
People need to hear the actual words. In the beginning of our relationships, we send cards describing our love and send flowers when we are sorry. Over time, not only do we forget to give our partners small gifts of affection, but sometimes, we forget to say how we feel. There are sixteen essential words that we must make an effort to say to our loved ones every day or whenever appropriate.
I love you.
Say the words before leaving for work and when you come home. Say "I love you" before hanging up the phone or after a particularly inspiring conversation. Say them just because. Every marriage needs a daily dose of these three important words. And do not worry; saying, "I love you" often is never a bad habit to have. Even if we are upset with our spouse that day, saying "I love you" may help us forgive them.
I am sorry.
"You forgot to buy milk," your spouse complains the second you walk in the door. Say I'm sorry. "You didn't clean my shirt. I have nothing to wear," your partner comments. Say I'm sorry, and try to mean it. We do not help anyone by defending ourselves, only our ego's benefit. And avoid the word "but"! This can kill our apology. To our lover's ears, "I'm sorry but..." translates to "I'm not really sorry, and I am just saying I'm sorry to allow myself to give an excuse."
There are times that our partner's comments are untimely, or perhaps, we feel every other word is a critical remark. In these cases, we should set aside a better time to discuss the problems rationally. Right after our spouse presents his or her problem is not a good time, and we may start an argument unintentionally.
I understand.
How many times has this happened to us: You are sitting at dinner, and in casual conversation, you complain, "Last night, I just did not get enough sleep, I'm so tired lately." And your spouse responds, with good intentions, "I am also tired." Or "Well, that is because you stayed up so late playing on the computer again." How does this make you feel? Not very good!
When our lover comes to us for sympathy, a simple "I understand" can really help. Claiming that we also have the same problem translates as "So what? I feel the same way and I am not complaining!" And advice should only be given when asked.
You are beautiful.
Or cute, handsome, sexy--whichever words are appropriate. When we first start dating, we hand out compliments daily. After awhile, sometimes, we forget. Maybe we assume that our spouse already knows how we feel, or maybe we do not think they need us to tell them. Tell them. Women in particular need to be reminded, especially during pregnancy, after giving birth and on birthdays! Men also need to be told they are attractive, though they may not admit it! A compliment a day improves our intimate lives in ways we can not even imagine. If your spouse is not feeling sexy, why should they want to make love to you?
I need you.
Dr. Evil said it best, "Mini-Me, you complete me." We need to let our spouse know that we not only appreciate them, but we need them. Tell them that we can not imagine our lives with out them. We might remember to mention this on anniversaries or birthdays, but why not let our spouse know every single week? Certainly, we feel that we need our spouse more than once a year! If this is too difficult to say out loud, then send them an email. Write them a note and slip it into their briefcase, lunch box or purse. Just like women need to hear they are still attractive, men particularly need to know their wives depend on them.
Thank you.
Why is it that strangers, the cashier at the supermarket and co-workers receive our thanks every single day, but our spouse rarely hears the words! Thank your spouse for making dinner, washing dishes, and keeping the house clean. Thank your partner for bringing home a paycheck, buying our favorite desert and coming home. Again, if we feel weird saying "Thank you for bringing home a paycheck," or whatever the case may be, write it down! Be romantic and send your spouse an e-card or put a sticky note on the bathroom mirror.
We must add these sixteen very special words to our lives. We may be amazed at how much peace will result from such simple additions to our vocabulary!
IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE
IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE
By Trevor Barre - Life Coach
A few years back my wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and used the opportunity to look back over our lives. We spent the day in and around the beautiful Barossa Valley, north of Adelaide, leaving our ‘near-adult’ children (now there’s a paradox!) at home, and mobile phones in the car.
Most of the day was spent sitting on the grassy bank of the river, relaxing and taking time out together. Following a nice picnic lunch prepared by Chris, I walked to the car and returned with a small surprise - a box of her favourite chocolates and a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, which she had favourably commented on recently at a friend's wedding.
As we nibbled on the chocolates and sipped the wine, we quite naturally relaxed into each other's arms and spoke of past memories shared together. I made a special point of presenting her with a specially written anniversary card and thanked her for the wonderful years we had enjoyed together.
In simple terms, I paid her a compliment. In fact, I complimented her many times over throughout the afternoon -with the words I spoke, the acts of courtesy, the gifts of card, chocolates and wine, and the respect shown her on the day.
In retrospect, I think what has become important in our relationship is the willingness to put the other person first in our relationship. Now I know that is an easy thing to say, but in reality can be very hard to achieve. You see, we all want what is best for us, and so approach life from a selfish point of view.
We all suffer from a selfish ‘meet my needs first’ syndrome in fact. In itself, this is not a bad thing, as it ensures that we look after our own interests, when perhaps others don’t. But in a marriage, or life-long partnership, a different approach is needed.
Imagine the situation when your spouse has been working all day, whether at home or in a workplace environment. You meet them after a long, hard day yourself and expect them to automatically pamper you, pay attention to you, and meet your needs first. It doesn’t happen, sorry!
What happens in this situation is the beginning of the clash of wills that can only end in one or both being disappointed.
Imagine instead if upon hearing of a difficult or terrible day that your partner has had, decided to turn the day around for them. You tell them to take off their shoes and relax, while you make a cup of tea (sorry, this is my British heritage speaking here!). You then take the tea into the room where your partner is relaxing for the first time today, and say, “So, tell me what happened,” while gently massaging his or her neck and shoulders.
At this point in time you probably don’t have to say much for the next 30 minutes, as they pour out their frustration, bitterness, disappointment, and the like.
They don’t want answers – they just want you (their most favourite person in the world) to be there for them. They need you to listen attentively, to make an occasional “Uh huh” noise, and let them get off their chest what has been building up. Once the outpouring has stopped, the tea has been drunk, and the savage animal quietened, that person would think the world of you.
But did you actually do anything? Well, yes you did. You put the other person first, pampered them a little, met their needs, and built your relationship. Congratulations.
If you would honesty like to improve your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following, and answer with a‘yes’ or ‘no’ to each question:
· Do I often make him or her a cup of tea or coffee in bed -
· Do I do often what they like to do -
· Do I often go where they like to go –
· Do I ask how I can help -
· Do I take it in turns to make the dinner -
· Do I give them permission to have time alone, or with friends -
· Do I ever take the kids to school and sporting events -
· Do I ever wash the car -
· Do I give free (non-sexual) massages when I see they need it –
· Do I really listen, without doing all the talking -
If you didn’t write ‘yes’ to at least 6 out of 10 questions, might I suggest you need to begin talking more to your partner in an effort to improve your communication - and your relationship, and along the journey learn to truly pamper your partner.
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.
Be honest.
Support one another's goals and achievements.
Respect each other.
Take time to share dreams and goals on a regular basis with your spouse.
Consider daily dialogue as a means of improving your communication.
Laugh together at least once a day.
Fight fair.
Be willing to forgive.
Remember kindness towards each other is a great gift.
Share your daily expectations.
Make decisions about finances, disciplining the children, chores, vacations, etc., together.
Take time to be alone together working on your intimacy. Schedule dates or romantic getaways.
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!
# Be honest.
# Support one another's goals and achievements.
# Respect each other.
# Take time to share dreams and goals on a regular basis with your spouse.
# Consider daily dialogue as a means of improving your communication.
# Laugh together at least once a day.
# Fight fair.
# Be willing to forgive.
# Remember kindness towards each other is a great gift.
# Share your daily expectations.
# Make decisions about finances, disciplining the children, chores, vacations, etc., together.
# Take time to be alone together working on your intimacy. Schedule dates or romantic getaways.
It is possible to have a high profile career, success, financial security, be a recognized community leader, own a beautiful home, raise children to be proud of and have a happy marriage.
However, if the two of you are involved in fulfilling careers and active in your community and have children, you may find that your marriage will suffer from a lack of making your marriage a priority in your lives.
Here's help in being a super couple and having a successful marriage at the same time.
Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Lots
Here's How:
1. Put your relationship with your spouse first. If you don't do this, through time and neglect, your marriage will weaken and eventually fall apart.
2. Don't take your marriage for granted.
3. Support one another. This includes listening to work concerns.
4. Find quality childcare.
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5. Set priorities.
6. Make healthy choices.
7. Brainstorm solutions. If a clean house is a priority, then perhaps hiring someone to help keep the house presentable should be in your budget.
8. Be flexible. Develop the skill to juggle time schedules and activities.
9. Believe in yourselves and in your marriage.
10. Get organized.
11. Learn how to delegate.
12. Strive for balance in your lives.
13. Learn toleration.
14. Make time for fun with one another.
Tips:
1. Make time for each other every day, even if it is only 15 minutes. Go out on a date with one another at least once a month. This is the get dressed up for one another type of evening.
2. Accept that life will be chaotic at times. Accept that some things won't get done. Accept that now and then one of you may have to say "no" to doing something or being somewhere.
3. Make sure that you are both sharing equally in doing household duties and that includes running errands and driving the kids to their activities. Children of super couples have responsibilities and chores, too.
What You Need:
* Family calendar
* Toleration
* Sense of Humor
* Flexibility
* Communication skills
II. TEN PRINCIPLES OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY IN SOCIETY
1. Marriage is a personal union, intended for the whole of life, of husband and wife.
Marriage differs from other valued personal relationships in conveying a full union of husband and wife- including a sexual, emotional, financial, legal, spiritual, and parental union. Marriage is not the ratification of an existing relation; it is the beginning of a new relationship between a man and woman, who pledge their sexual fidelity to one another, promise loving mutual care and support, and form a family that welcomes and nurtures the children that may spring from their union. This understanding of marriage has predominated in Europe and America for most of the past two thousand years. It springs from the biological, psychological, and social complementarity of the male and female sexes: Women typically bring to marriage important gifts and perspectives that men typically do not bring, just as men bring their own special gifts and perspectives that women typically cannot provide in the same way. This covenant of mutual dependence and obligation, solemnized by a legal oath, is strengthened by the pledge of permanence that husband and wife offer to one another-always to remain, never to flee, even and especially in the most difficult times.
2. Marriage is a profound human good, elevating and perfecting our social and sexual nature.
Human beings are social animals, and the social institution of marriage is a profound human good. It is a matrix of human relationships rooted in the spouses' sexual complementarity and procreative possibilities and in children's need for sustained parental nurturance and support. It creates clear ties of begetting and belonging, ties of identity, kinship, and mutual interdependence and responsibility. These bonds of fidelity serve a crucial public purpose, and so it is necessary and proper for the state to recognize and encourage marriage in both law and public policy. Indeed, it is not surprising that marriage is publicly sanctioned and promoted in virtually every known society and often solemnized by religious and cultural rituals. Modern biological and social science only confirm the benefits of marriage as a human good consistent with our given nature as sexual and social beings.
3. Ordinarily, both men and women who marry are better off as a result.
Married men gain moral and personal discipline, a stable domestic life, and the opportunity to participate in the upbringing of their children. Married women gain stability and protection, acknowledgment of the paternity of their children, and shared responsibility and emotional support in the raising of their young. Together, both spouses gain from a normative commitment to the institution of marriage itself-including the benefits that come from faithfully fulfilling one's chosen duties as mother or father, husband or wife. Couples who share a moral commitment to marital permanency and fidelity tend to have better marriages. The marital ethic enjoining permanence, mutual fidelity, and care, as well as forbidding violence or sexual abuse, arises out of the core imperative of our marriage tradition: that men and women who marry pledge to love one another, "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse," ordinarily "until death do us part."
4. Marriage protects and promotes the well-being of children.
The family environment provided by marriage allows children to grow, mature, and flourish. It is a seedbed of sociability and virtue for the young, who learn from both their parents and their siblings. Specifically, the married family satisfies children's need to know their biological origins, connects them to both a mother and father, establishes a framework of love for nurturing the young, oversees their education and personal development, and anchors their identity as they learn to move about the larger world. These are not merely desirable goods, but what we owe to children as vulnerable beings filled with potential. Whenever humanly possible, children have a natural human right to know their mother and father, and mothers and fathers have a solemn obligation to love their children unconditionally.
5. Marriage sustains civil society and promotes the common good.
Civil society also benefits from a stable marital order. Families are themselves small societies, and the web of trust they establish across generations and between the spouses' original families are a key constituent of society as a whole. The network of relatives and in-laws that marriage creates and sustains is a key ingredient of the "social capital" that facilitates many kinds of beneficial civic associations and private groups. The virtues acquired within the family-generosity, self-sacrifice, trust, self-discipline-are crucial in every domain of social life. Children who grow up in broken families often fail to acquire these elemental habits of character. When marital breakdown or the failure to form marriages becomes widespread, society is harmed by a host of social pathologies, including increased poverty, mental illness, crime, illegal drug use, clinical depression, and suicide.
6. Marriage is a wealth-creating institution, increasing human and social capital.
The modern economy and modern democratic state depend on families to produce the next generation of productive workers and taxpayers. This ongoing renewal of human capital is a crucial ingredient in the national economy, one that is now in grave peril in those societies with rapidly aging populations and below-replacement fertility rates. It is within families that young people develop stable patterns of work and self-reliance at the direction of their parents, and this training in turn provides the basis for developing useful skills and gaining a profession. More deeply, marriage realigns personal interests beyond the good of the present self, and thus reduces the tendency of individuals and groups to make rash or imprudent decisions that squander the inheritance of future generations. Families also provide networks of trust and capital that serve as the foundation for countless entrepreneurial small-business enterprises (as well as some large corporations), which are crucial to the vitality of the nation's economy. In addition, devoted spouses and grown children assist in caring for the sick and elderly, and maintain the solvency of pension and social-insurance programs by providing unremunerated care for their loved ones, paying taxes, and producing the children who will form future generations of tax-paying workers. Without flourishing families, in other words, the long-term health of the modern economy would be imperiled.
7. When marriage weakens, the equality gap widens, as children suffer from the disadvantages of growing up in homes without committed mothers and fathers.
Children whose parents fail to get and stay married are at increased risk of poverty, dependency, substance abuse, educational failure, juvenile delinquency, early unwed pregnancy, and a host of other destructive behaviors. When whole families and neighborhoods become dominated by fatherless homes, these risks increase even further. The breakdown of marriage has hit the African-American community especially hard, and thus threatens the cherished American ideal of equality of opportunity by depriving adults and especially children of the social capital they need to flourish. Precisely because we seek to eliminate social disadvantages based on race and class, we view the cultural, economic, and other barriers to strengthening marriage in poor neighborhoods - especially among those racial minorities with disproportionately high rates of family breakdown - as a serious problem to be solved with persistence, generosity, and ingenuity.
8. A functioning marriage culture serves to protect political liberty and foster limited government.
Strong, intact families stabilize the state and decrease the need for costly and intrusive bureaucratic social agencies. Families provide for their vulnerable members, produce new citizens with virtues such as loyalty and generosity, and engender concern for the common good. When families break down, crime and social disorder soar; the state must expand to reassert social control with intrusive policing, a sprawling prison system, coercive child-support enforcement, and court-directed family life.3 Without stable families, personal liberty is thus imperiled, as the state tries to fulfill through coercion those functions that families, at their best, fulfill through covenantal devotion.
9. The laws that govern marriage matter significantly.
Law and culture exhibit a dynamic relationship: changes in one ultimately yield changes in the other, and together law and culture structure the choices that individuals see as available, acceptable, and choiceworthy. Given the clear benefits of marriage, we believe that the state should not remain politically neutral, either in procedure or outcome, between marriage and various alternative family structures. Some have sought to redefine civil marriage as a private contract between two individuals regardless of sex, others as a binding union of any number of individuals, and still others as any kind of contractual arrangement for any length of time that is agreeable to any number of consenting adult parties. But in doing so a state would necessarily undermine the social norm which encourages marriage as historically understood - i.e., the sexually faithful union, intended for life, between one man and one woman, open to the begetting and rearing of children. The public goods uniquely provided by marriage are recognizable by reasonable persons, regardless of religious or secular worldview, and thus provide compelling reasons for reinforcing the existing marriage norm in law and public policy.
10. "Civil marriage" and "religious marriage" cannot be rigidly or completely divorced from one another.
Americans have always recognized the right of any person, religious or non-religious, to marry. While the ceremonial form of religious and secular marriages often differs, the meaning of such marriages within the social order has always been similar, which is why the state honors those marriages duly performed by religious authorities. Moreover, current social science evidence on religion and marital success affirms the wisdom of the American tradition, which has always recognized and acknowledged the positive role that religion plays in creating and sustaining marriage as a social institution.4 The majority of Americans marry in religious institutions, and for many of these people a religious dimension suffuses the whole of family life and solemnizes the marriage vow. It is thus important to recognize the crucial role played by religious institutions in lending critical support for a sustainable marriage culture, on which the whole society depends. And it is important to preserve some shared idea of what marriage is that transcends the differences between religious and secular marriages and between marriages within our nation's many diverse religious traditions.
