Bring your marriage back from the brink and save a divorce
Communicate, don't litigate - avoid divorce with some counseling
Tips For Avoiding A Divorce by: Angela S Davis
If you have a marriage in trouble but you want to avoid divorce, you should know that you have great options for saving the relationship. The exact resources and tools used to put the broken pieces back together will depend on the reason for the problem. As an example, if your wife or husband was unfaithful, counseling can often help sort things out. Therefore, prior to doing anything, you need to identity the reason for the problem in the first place.
Other than infidelity, couples struggle with financial issues, which is a huge factor that can lead to divorce. Typically, both couples work full-time, which helps pay for the house, car, raising kids, paying bills, and even vacation. Unfortunately, many couples overextend, meaning they live on borrowed money. Of all factors, credit cards are the most common problem.
When more money goes out than comes in, massive stress takes over, leading to fights. Before long, the husband and wife are disagreeing on who makes more, what should or should not be purchased, who was at fault, and so on. Then to make matters worse, phone calls and collection companies begin to call wanting to know where the mortgage, car, or credit payment are. For the married couple, it soon becomes too much to handle.
If you find that you and your spouse are on the verge of divorce specific to problems with finances, for the sake of the marriage, go visit a finance advisor or credit counseling company to help get things back on track. In this case, counselors would act as the go-between for you and your creditors. In fact, these counselors are professionals who help set up a repayment plan and then work on a budget for the future.
Just because a married couple is having financial problems does not mean divorce is imminent. In fact, using a mediator or counselor can be a huge assistance. The reason is that the blame-game ends so the problem can reach a solution. Start by putting any differences aside and stop blaming each other. Then, create a solid plan for getting out of debt while also saving money.
Most importantly, to avoid divorce, start communicating. Unless you talk, you can never work things out. Keep in mind that good communication does not mean yelling, it means talking as adults. Therefore, take time so the two of you can sit down face-to-face to discuss the current situation, regardless of the problem. If anger is too high, the services of a professional marriage counselor can help. Just remind yourself that it takes time but with dedication and determination, divorce can be avoided.
About The Author
Angela S Davis runs the website Divorce Times which is a one-stop research center for all the very latest news and views divorce related. For more details please visit www.divorcetimes.com
Labels: Marriage, divorce
Does Divorce Make People Happy?
Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages
By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley
Does Divorce Make People Happy?
Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages
Call it the "divorce assumption." Most people assume that a person stuck in a bad marriage has two choices: stay married and miserable or get a divorce and become happier.1 But now come the findings from the first scholarly study ever to test that assumption, and these findings challenge conventional wisdom. Conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, the study found no evidence that unhappily married adults who divorced were typically any happier than unhappily married people who stayed married.
Even more dramatically, the researchers also found that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.2
The research team used data collected by the National Survey of Family and Households, a nationally representative survey that extensively measures personal and marital happiness. Out of 5,232 married adults interviewed in the late Eighties, 645 reported being unhappily married. Five years later, these same adults were interviewed again. Some had divorced or separated and some had stayed married.
The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier on average than those who stayed married. "Staying married is not just for the childrens' sake. Some divorce is necessary, but results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold," says Linda J. Waite.
Why doesn't divorce typically make adults happier? The authors of the study suggest that while eliminating some stresses and sources of potential harm, divorce may create others as well. The decision to divorce sets in motion a large number of processes and events over which an individual has little control that are likely to deeply affect his or her emotional well-being. These include the response of one's spouse to divorce; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; and new relationships or marriages.
The team of family experts that conducted the study included Linda J. Waite, Lucy Flower Professor of Sociology at the University of Chicago and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Don Browning, Professor Emeritus of the University of Chicago Divinity School; William J. Doherty, Professor of Family Social Science and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota; Maggie Gallagher, affiliate scholar at the Institute for American Values and coauthor of The Case for Marriage; Ye Luo, a research associate at the Sloan Center on Parents, Children and Work at the University of Chicago; and Scott Stanley, Co-Director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.
Marital Turnarounds: How Do Unhappy Marriages Get Happier?
To follow up on the dramatic findings that two-thirds of unhappy marriages had become happy five years later, the researchers also conducted focus group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy husbands and wives who had turned their marriages around. They found that many currently happily married spouses have had extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.
Why did these marriages survive where other marriages did not? Spouses' stories of how their marriages got happier fell into three broad headings: the marital endurance ethic, the marital work ethic, and the personal happiness ethic.
In the marital endurance ethic, the most common story couples reported to researchers, marriages got happier not because partners resolved problems, but because they stubbornly outlasted them. With the passage of time, these spouses said, many sources of conflict and distress eased: financial problems, job reversals, depression, child problems, even infidelity.
In the marital work ethic, spouses told stories of actively working to solve problems, change behavior, or improve communication. When the problem was solved, the marriage got happier. Strategies for improving marriages mentioned by spouses ranged from arranging dates or other ways to more time together, enlisting the help and advice of relatives or in-laws, to consulting clergy or secular counselors, to threatening divorce and consulting divorce attorneys.
Finally, in the personal happiness epic, marriage problems did not seem to change that much. Instead married people in these accounts told stories of finding alternative ways to improve their own happiness and build a good and happy life despite a mediocre marriage.
The Powerful Effects of Commitment
Spouses interviewed in the focus groups whose marriages had turned around generally had a low opinion of the benefits of divorce, as well as friends and family members who supported the importance of staying married. Because of their intense commitment to their marriages, these couples invested great effort in enduring or overcoming problems in their relationships, they minimized the importance of difficulties they couldn't resolve, and they actively worked to belittle the attractiveness of alternatives.
The study's findings are consistent with other research demonstrating the powerful effects of marital commitment on marital happiness. A strong commitment to marriage as an institution, and a powerful reluctance to divorce, do not merely keep unhappily married people locked in misery together. They also help couples form happier bonds. To avoid divorce, many assume, marriages must become happier. But it is at least equally true that in order to get happier, unhappy couples or spouses must first avoid divorce. "In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage," notes research team member Scott Stanley.
Would most unhappy spouses who divorced have ended up happily married if they had stuck with their marriages?
The researchers who conduced the study cannot say for sure whether unhappy spouses who divorced would have become happy had they stayed with their marriages. In most respects, unhappy spouses who divorced and unhappy spouses who stayed married looked more similar than different (before the divorce) in terms of their psychological adjustment and family background. While unhappy spouses who divorced were on average younger, had lower household incomes, were more likely to be employed or to have children in the home, these differences were typically not large.
Were the marriages that ended in divorce much worse than those that did not? There is some evidence for this point of view. Unhappy spouses who divorced reported more conflict and were about twice as likely to report violence in their marriage than unhappy spouses who stayed married. However, marital violence occurred in only a minority of unhappy marriages: 21 percent of unhappy spouses who divorced reported husband-to-wife violence, compared to nine percent of unhappy spouses who stayed married.
On the other hand, if only the worst marriages ended up in divorce, one would expect divorce to be associated with important psychological benefits. Instead, researchers found that unhappily married adults who divorced were no more likely to report emotional and psychological improvements than those who stayed married. In addition, the most unhappy marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of 10 who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.
More research is needed to establish under what circumstances divorce improves or lessens adult well-being, as well as what kinds of unhappy marriages are most or least likely to improve if divorce is avoided.
Other Findings
Other findings of the study based on the National Survey Data are:
The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) took place to adults who had been happily married when first studied five years earlier. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.
Unhappy marriages are less common than unhappy spouses; three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.
Staying married did not typically trap unhappy spouses in violent relationships. Eighty-six percent of unhappily married adults reported no violence in their relationship (including 77 percent of unhappy spouses who later divorced or separated). Ninety-three percent of unhappy spouses who avoided divorce reported no violence in their marriage five years later.
Endnotes
1. Examples of the "divorce assumption:" In a review of Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well by Ashton Applewhite in Kirkus Reviews, the reviewer writes that "if Applewhite's figures are correct, three-fourths of today's divorces are initiated by women, and if her analysis of the situation is correct, they are better off, at least psychologically, for having taken the big step." The book's publisher describes the book this way: "Cutting Loose introduces 50 women . . . who have thrived after initiating their own divorces. . . . [T]heir lives improved immeasurably, and their self-esteem soared." In an oped in the New York Times, Katha Pollit asks, "The real question . . . [is] which is better, a miserable two-parent home, with lots of fighting and shouting and frozen silences and tears, or a one-parent home (or a pair of one-parent homes) without those things" (June 27, 1997). In a review of The Good Divorce by Constance R. Ahrons in Booklist, we are told that Ms. Ahrons "offers advice and explanations to troubled couples for whom 'staying together for the sake of the children' is not a healthy or viable option."
2. Spouses were asked to rate their overall marital happiness on a 7-point scale, with 1 being the least happy and 7 the most happy. Those who rated their marriage as a 1 or 2 were considered to be very unhappy in their marriages. Almost 8 out of 10 adults who rated their marriage as a 1 or 2 gave that same marriage a 5 or more when asked to rate their marriage five years later.
How to Avoid Divorce
Submitted by: Jonathan Brown (76)
Every marriage hits a rough spot occasionally. And while not every marriage should attempt to be salvaged, a great many more than are saved today should and can be through concerted efforts. So, the first step in avoiding divorce is recognizing that the fact that you have come to this point in your relationship is not unusual, but it does indicate that something must change if it is to survive. But before you go through a mental litany of everything that needs to change as justification for giving up, realize that there is help out there and if you are willing to put in the time and commitment, you can make your marriage work even when it seems that you and your partner have reached the end of the road.
Marriage Counselling Marriage counselling can be a very effective instrument in putting a marriage that seems to be going down the divorce path back onto the right track. Counselling helps couples to identify the root of their marital problems and solve them with a little help from a professional counsellor trained in mediation. Finding an effective marriage counsellor, however, requires a bit of work on your part. Many counsellors will offer a free consultation. Ask for recommendations from friends, but in part you should call 10 or so counsellors, ask for their price packages ahead of time and then schedule consultations with the 3 or 4 that meet your pricing needs. Make sure that when you go into these consultations you grade the effectiveness on how BOTH you and your spouse feel about the individual.
There are also many self-help tools available in the market today. There are some excellent books and articles on how to make marriages work, how to re-ignite the spark in a relationship and how a few simple steps can bring back the love in a relationship that had turned hateful. Both partners can get a lot of inspiration, advice and ideas on how to make relationships work from such books and articles. You can even find help when you think there is infidelity in your marriage. There are books and articles out there, which tell you why people cheat or stray out of line and what you can do about it.
The common thread in all of these self help guides is communication and understanding. By making an effort to understand where your spouse is coming from, and them where you are, and then making compromises and communicating, most marital problems will become alleviated.
Then there are many resorts that are specially designed to create an ambience which is conducive to romance. These vacation packages are easy to find and require only that you be on the look out. The point of these resorts is to reinvigorate a relationship by introducing some of the passion and spontaneity that over time can be watered down by obligations and daily responsibilities. These events attempt to eliminate outside stresses so that you can focus on your spouse, and in so doing rekindle the love you feel for one another.
All in all, if you are willing to put in your best efforts to stop your marriage from slipping away, there is now help at hand and you need not have to fight alone. By utilizing the tools of counsellors, self help and resorts you can go a long way to giving your marriage the best chance for survival. But beyond survival, these tools can help ensure you a happy lifelong relationship.
Jonathan Brown recommends that you visit http://www.ottawamarriage.com/ for more information on how to avoid divorce
10 Ways to Rejuvenate your Relationship
By: Cucan Pemo
Maybe you've been dating for a while and you just need to spice things up a bit. Every relationship needs a boost every now and then, but not everyone knows just how to do this so that both partners are happy again. Some relationships die because the partners believe that there is no way to revitalize their relationship - but that's incorrect thinking. There are plenty of ways to put the spark back into your relationship.
#1 Try something different
It's seems a little simple, but trying something different in your relationship is the best way to overcome a 'boring' time and start anew. Try a new activity or go on a vacation together. Talk with each other and find out what you've always wanted to do - and then do it. Take a class together or try a new restaurant. It doesn't have to be complicated.
#2 Take time away
Go off and try your own activities for a weekend or a week. When you take the time to re-find yourself in the relationship, you can bring a new vigor and life to the staleness. Too often couples want to share everything with each other, but this doesn't always increase the fun in a relationship. You get into ruts and habits and you forget that you both have your own interests. And when you're off exploring your own 'things,' you've got more to talk about and to share.
#3 Change your look
As superficial as it sounds, there is something to the phrase, "Fake it 'til you make it." Why not try to be the more exiting couple that you want to be by dressing the part as well? Try a new look or a new hairstyle in order to change the way that you look to your partner. We always seem to get into ruts when we're in a couple because we think that once we 'have' someone, we don't need to impress them anymore. Surprise them!
#4 Do something out of the ordinary
Bringing a woman flowers might see clich?d, but it still works to create romance in a relationship. And don't do it on an anniversary or some other expected occasion - do it for no reason at all. If you can, send them to her workplace so that she gets a lot of attention. She'll love it.
#5 Make dinner
Again, it seems like the oldest 'trick' in the book, but making a meal for your partner or spouse is a great way to create a sense of newness to a relationship - especially when you don't normally do it. When you simply take the time to think about what someone wants to eat as well as creating an atmosphere that supports a loving environment, it's more than just a meal; it's an expression of your love.
#6 Get out of town
Something as simple as heading to a flea market is a great way to rejuvenate a relationship - especially if it's something that you haven't done before. When you get away from your normal surroundings, you aren't able to sink into your normal habits. Try to get away from your home or apartments at least once a month to keep your relationship strong and healthy.
#7 Hang out with your friends - apart
Just like spending time alone, you still need to keep in contact with your circle of friends. When you start to lose contact of the people that you knew before your partner, you can feel like your entire life is devoted to your partner - and that can be stifling. You want to hang out with the guys a few times a week because it reminds you of the person that you are. Your friends won't let you change for your partner - and your partner doesn't want you to either.
#8 Travel in a car
Some people will say that traveling together is the biggest test of a relationship, but it's actually a great way to rebuild a faltering one. When you have to direct yourselves to a new place, you will have arguments, but in the end, you're accomplishing a goal together - and that makes anyone feel good.
#9 Take a class for couples
Most community centers have classes that involve couples. Think about dancing or trying a new sport together. Not only will you have to work together as a couple, but you will also be learning something new.
#10 Show that the person is important to you
Too often we let our lives get in the way of our relationships, when it should be the other way around. No matter what, be sure that you show your partner every day that they are important to you - that step alone can keep your relationship healthy and you both happy.
Rejuvenate Your Child's Self-Esteem During Winter Break
by Dr. Raymond J. and Eileen Huntington
For most students, December and January bring at least two weeks to relax and recharge while classes are out of session. For families, this can also be a wonderful time to reaffirm emotional connections that have a significant impact on children's success in school. Recognizing the very powerful link between high self-esteem, high aspirations and high achievement, parents should consider the following checklist of strategies to help students develop a positive mindset for the semester to come.
Help your children set goals. Children feel successful when they accomplish goals - particularly those that lead to success in school. Work with your child to determine learning and achievement goals that are attainable with a reasonable amount of time and effort. Once these goals are set, determine what steps should be taken to reach them. Praise every earnest attempt, whether it's successful or not.
Encourage children to communicate their feelings. Children need to know that even anger and fear are normal emotions felt by everyone from time to time. They should understand that acknowledging these feelings can often be the first step to overcoming them. If your daughter realizes that she's angry over the unflattering comments in a mid-year progress report, she may commit herself to working harder. If your son admits he's afraid that he's just not up to the challenges of another semester of Algebra II, that admission could trigger the determination to get extra help.
Listen carefully to your child. When you listen to children, they tend to feel better about themselves. They also tend to model that behavior by listening closer to their siblings, their teachers, other children, and to you. Children who are good listeners often find it easier to make friends, and to feel valued at school and in their communities. And don't forget that being a good listener is vital for success in the classroom as well.
Use fair, consistent discipline as a building block for self-esteem. Discipline should be a tool for helping children make wise decisions. You can utilize it best by establishing a limited number of clear and necessary rules. Too many rules can make a child feel powerless and untrustworthy. But rules that have a definitive connection to success - completing homework every night or putting in extra study time before a big test, for example - will lead to accomplishments that automatically make your child feel better about his or her abilities.
Help children learn from their mistakes. When children are unsuccessful at something, position it as a temporary setback, not a failure, as long as they learn from the experience. Ask your child for a sense of why he or she didn't succeed, and work together to determine what steps should be taken to improve.
Give your children meaningful responsibilities. Giving your children worthwhile jobs around the house and responsibilities for improving your community can enhance their sense of accomplishment. As children live up to these responsibilities, they develop a sense of self-worth at being able to contribute their skills and energies in a meaningful way. Students who feel valued at home and in the community tend to feel a stronger connection to their schools as well.
Give children a special place for displaying educational accomplishments. The refrigerator door is ideal. When friends and relatives visit, share the special items and let your child feel successful. You can also keep a scrapbook of your children's accomplishments.
Recognize your child's special qualities. While all children tend to seek the approval of their peers, "popularity" can seem especially crucial during the middle and high school years. But your child doesn't have to be the star of the cheerleading squad or the class president to stand out. Make sure you recognize your child's special qualities, and do whatever you can to foster higher achievement by nurturing special aptitudes. Remind your child often that there is indeed "life after high school," and plenty of time to shine under the spotlight of individual abilities in the years to come.
Remember the power of praise. Most of us can easily remember the thrill of rushing home with an "A" on a term paper or high marks on a report card or class project, so don't forget to rise to the occasion when you hear "Mom, guess what!" seconds after your son or daughter comes through the door. And while it's pretty typical for teens to pretend they're too cool to worry about what "the parents" think of their progress in school, chances are you'll still get a smile with the words "well done!"
Natural Ways to Rejuvenate Your Sex Life for Those Older than 60
By Miodrag Trajkovic
If you want to have a better sex life later in life then you do now, you can work to rejuvenate it. When was the last time you really took some time to pamper yourself? If it has been a while then take some time to do so. Go get a new outfit and a hair cut or color. Buy some new make up and plan a romantic dinner for you and your partner.
Allow yourself some time to fantasize about sex during the day as well. Take a nice warm bath before bed. You can picture what you will do with your partner when you are done with the bath. Leave them a detailed note in the morning about plans for the evening. It can certainly make a huge difference in the way you see each other romantically. Keep it fresh and alive so that no one gets bored with the sexual activity that is taking place.
Take a look at your mental well being as well. If you aren't in the best of moods then do what you can to perk yourself up. Sometimes seeing a professional counselor can help you out as well. Sometimes there are issues not dealt with in the relationship that lead to tension and resentment. If you can get them on the table and out of the way your sex life will likely improve.
Taking care of yourself physically is important as well. Don't let yourself get lazy or overweight. Stay active and eat well so you can stay at a healthy weight. You may need to work with a dietitian to plan healthier meals. It is never too late in life to make such lifestyle changes. It does take some planning and commitment but your will find there are many great benefits from it.
Get rid of those nasty habits such as excessively drinking alcohol. In the long run it will lower your sexual desire and performance, especially for men. Smoking is also a factor that will become more of an issue as you get older. Being comfortable in your own skin and with how you look is a great way to get you in the mood to initiate sexual activity with your partner as well. They will find it to be a tremendous turn on that you are attracted to them.
Sometimes just changing the location of where sex will take place can make it better. If you are always doing the act at home, take a weekend vacation to some place romantic. You can also use a different room in the house to spice it up a bit. There are books on new positions and even on romancing your partner to look at as well. You may find talking honestly with your partner about how to please them can really make a difference.
There are herbal pills for both men and women on the market as well. Since you can buy them over the counter at most health food stores people assume they are 100% safe to take. Still, you need to consult with your doctor first. You may not be healthy enough to engage in sexual activity. You certainly don't want to risk your health for sex so getting a full assessment from a professional is the best place to start.
Sex After '60s provides detailed information on Active Sex Life, Affects Enjoying Sex, Erectile Dysfunction, Natural Ways Prescription and more.
Advice For A Happy Marriage - 5 Guidelines To Happiness
By Jennifer Tooley
Some people may think that advice for a happy marriage can be a bit obvious, but if that's the case why are there so many unhappy marriages? It can be very hard to focus on the big picture when you are on the inside of a long term relationship, so hopefully these tips can rejuvenate your marriage.
Tip 1-
Forget about the "B" word. For some reason when you are in a long term relationship or marriage, it sometimes feels like the most important thing in a disagreement or argument is blame. Advice for a happy marriage suggest that blame is never good. You know when you miss your favourite TV show or burn the dinner? What's the first thing in people's minds? Quite often that first thing is blame, and that's not a good thing. Think about it for a second-what does blaming your partner achieve? If they are at fault for whatever reason, they probably already know and could do without you pointing it out to them. This is not good for their self esteem, or your relationship.
Tip 2-
Become an "electrician". This may seem like an odd analogy, but relationships are often like complex electrical circuits-the problems inside them are due to connections not being made or old connections breaking down-so this means you need to fix those connections in order to get things working again. If you want some advice for a happy marriage, when things start to break down in your relationship, sit down and think it through, make notes of what you think is wrong and why, and you will often be able to see where the problems are arising-which connections have broken down. And once you can see the problems, you can usually understand how to go about fixing them.
Tip 3-
Be a "creator". Does your life just unfold however it wants or do you take charge of it, forcing things to develop in a way you like? If you let it unfold however it likes, the chances are your relationship is lacking attention in a similar way. If you consciously decide that your relationship will be successful, you are much more likely to work at it. And marriages do need work, in order to stay healthy - virtually all advice for a happy marriage guides agree on this. Have you ever noticed how some people just have great lives and relationships all the time? It's because they work at it-they "create" their own reality by working toward the things they want to achieve, including successful loving marriages. This is not only great advice for a happy marriage, but good general advice for getting what you want from life.
Tip 4-
Advice for a happy marriage 101 -understand that marriage is an ongoing process, not a finished product.. To many people, advice for a happy marriage simply includes a nice cake and a white dress for the wedding, but that's simply the beginning of the journey. The sooner you realise that it's an ongoing situation, then the sooner you will be able to start laying foundations for a happy marriage for years to come.
Tip 5-
Never make fun of your spouse to another person-no matter who it is. Remarks like this, however harmless they may seem, have a way of becoming habit. And worse, what would your poor partner think if they knew they were the butt of your jokes when they weren't around. It's humiliating to say the least, and any advice for a happy marriage guide or book will tell you to refrain from this. Aside from all that, it's just plain rude!
This advice for a good marriage can really help in the tough times, so I hope it helps you if you need it. Check out the links below for great info on fixing your marriage.
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