Mothers At Home Offers Suggestions for Maintaining a Loving Marriage

Mothers At Home Offers Suggestions for Maintaining a Loving Marriage

January 2000

Many family counselors believe the best gift you can give your children this Valentine's Day is a strong marriage.

The minutiae of daily life, from household and job responsibilities to caring for children, can often take their toll on a marriage. Mothers A Home urges parents everywhere to take time to strengthen their marriages. Finding a few minutes a day to give affection, share concerns and offer emotional support goes a long way in maintaining a strong and loving marriage.

"The most important thing is that strong marriages tend to foster the next generation's healthy marriages," says Dr. Isabelle Fox, developmental psychologist and author of Being There: The Benefits of a Stay-at-Home Parent. "In a strong marriage, you are showing conflict resolution skills, kindness and consideration. If those values aren't shown at home, it's very hard for the child to learn them. And having a strong marriage frees us to relate with our children in a healthy way."

Mothers At Home is the nation's oldest and one of the largest non-profit support organizations for at-home mothers. Subscribers to our monthly journal, Welcome Home, often write to us sharing strategies with regard to how they handle challenges in their family life. Over the years, mothers from across the country have offered the following ideas for strengthening a marriage.

1. Begin with the right attitude: Your marriage comes first.
Your marriage will suffer unless you make it a priority, and continue to work at it. This is not always easy for busy parents. Little things count. Show each other affection, including a kiss goodbye and hello. Do small favors for each other, such as filling the gas tank for him or paying the bills for her. Teach your children what a happy marriage is by your daily example.

2. Schedule a few minutes of “Mom and Dad” time in the early evening.
Don't wait until the children are in bed to share your concerns, joys and events of the day. After arriving home from work, spend the first 10-15 minutes with the children. Next, it's mom and dad's turn. Let the children know that they are to allow Mom and Dad private time to discuss the day. Encourage your children to read a book, allow them to watch a short video or bring out a special toy or game while you enjoy some uninterrupted time for discussion and reconnecting.

3. Have a regular date night.
Go out together without the children on a regular basis. If finances are an issue, it doesn't have to be expensive. Go out for coffee and browse through the local bookstore together. You don't even have to leave the house. Swap baby-sitting with a neighbor; cook a nice dinner, light some candles and enjoy a romantic evening at home before it's time to pick up the kids. Spending time together away from the children allows couples to recharge their marriage and enjoy activities they may have done more frequently before children arrived on the scene.

4. Turn off the TV.
If your typical evening routine means separate rooms for work or TV, change your routine. If you prefer to read, discuss what you're reading. After the kids are asleep, turn on the radio and dance to your favorite old tunes. Play a game of cards, scrabble or chess. Cozy up to the fire and share your latest dreams. Get in the routine of taking family or mom-and-dad walks together after dinner or on weekends, even if it's just around the block. Mom and dad can have a few moments to focus undivided attention on each other in a pleasant setting away from the phone, TV and chores.

5. Have a daily "check-in".
Make it a habit to touch base at least once throughout the day to see how your spouse's day is going. If he's got a big meeting or project due, call after his appointment and find out how things went. If mom is home with the kids, dad could check to see how their day is going. When a spouse is out of town, leave an occasional message on his or her office voice mail or e-mail. It will be a pleasant surprise among a string of business messages. Slip a loving note into your spouse's brief case or bagged lunch as a special surprise. A loving, encouraging word can often give you or your spouse the strength you need to make it through a difficult day.

6. Focus on the positive, and bring a giving attitude to your relationship.
Consider the unique contributions that your spouse brings to your family and your relationship. Write down a list of the qualities you appreciate in your spouse. Then write a note to your spouse praising and thanking him or her for the unique and special qualities and efforts he or she brings to your family. Provide a positive example for your children by also frequently thanking your spouse aloud in front of them for his or her work and contributions. Romance often grows from valuing your spouse for his or her role as a parent, and for all he or she does for your family.

7. Play together.
Find a sport or other activity to do together or as a couple. For example, take up tennis lessons together. Or sign up as co-coaches of your son or daughter's soccer team, or join a couples’ book discussion group.

8. Work on keeping your marriage "young."
Once in a while, pretend you're still “dating.” Flirt, kid around and hold hands. Occasionally, visit the places you frequented when you were courting, such as a favorite park or restaurant. Go to bed at the same time. Even if you're exhausted, cuddling after a difficult day can keep the spark in your romance.

9. Get away together overnight or for a weekend.
Consider a second honeymoon or weekend away – adults only. Or ask grandparents or friends to keep the children overnight and surprise your spouse with a night on the town and an overnight stay at a local hotel. Being alone together for more than a few hours allows both spouses to relax away from the responsibilities of chores, house projects and children's homework assignments.

10. Share your short- and long-term goals and dreams.
On an annual basis, such as after the New Year or on your wedding anniversary, go out to dinner together to discuss your goals and dreams. Expressing your goals allows you to better see your future together, and helps you work together as a couple to achieve those goals.

Labels: marriage success

posted by Robert Heard at 8:28 AM