marriage: secrets of positive marriage conflict
marriage: secrets of positive marriage conflictwritten by: juande romino; article published: year 2007, month 01;
The Gottman research tells us how. Here is the secret: Start and end any 'issue' discussion on a positive note. When you do that, you have positive marriage conflict.
You only fight about resolvable issues. You achieve positive marriage conflict by eliminating irresolvable issues, and only fighting about resolvable ones. When you begin an 'issue' discussion on a positive and respectful note, you can hardly call it a 'fight.' It's a discussion between people who love each other. You listen to each other. You look for compromises. You look for winwin solutions to the issue.
You can't imagine the difference it makes when those unresolvable issues generate humor and grace, rather than anger, frustration, and hurtful accusations. Then the resolvable issues can be resolved. There is no bitterness, anger or vengeance.
begin issue discussions positively
To achieve positive marriage conflict, Dan and Susan agreed to begin all issue discussions positively, and even agreed on a "script" to use. When one of them had an issue to discuss, he or she would say, "Sweetheart, I want to have a few minutes of your time to discuss __________. I want us both to be in a positive and loving mood. Would you like to do it now, or wait until you feel more receptive?"
The important parts are:
1. "I want to have a discussion about (some resolvable issue)."
2. "We'll have a better outcome if both of us are in a positive and loving mood."
3. "I feel ready now, do you? If not, when can we schedule it?" If you and your partner are working together on creating a happy marriage that lasts, you can work out a process that works for both of you, to achieve positive marriage conflict.
use positives and avoid negatives during the discussion
This is the hard part for lots of people. It's difficult for anyone to accept anything that feels like criticism, and even if you use "I" messages instead of "You" messages, some people only hear implied criticism.
For example:
"I'm feeling frustrated because the garbage wasn't put out for pick up, and now we'll have to wait until next week's pickup and the can is full. What can we do together to assure the garbage always gets put out on schedule?"
That's a whole lot better than using "You" messages: "You forgot to put the garbage out again. You said you would take care of the garbage, and you haven't." The "You" messages tend to be more accusatory, and more like criticism. It's hard not to go on the defensive, and get angry. (Side Note: I've spent many years trying to find ways to teach "Active Listening" to adults, and few of them really learned to use Active Listening effectively. Also, I'm no longer sure it works, even if used effectively. The studies show decidedly mixed results. Still, the "I" messages are a lot less likely to give rise to anger and defensiveness than "You" messages.) I now believe the positive start, the effort to be positive, and an "abort" agreement is the safest process for everyone.
what's an "abort" agreement?
If either person feels angry feelings rising, or their heartbeat races, or they feel upset, or hurt, or unloving or negative, they can ask to abort the discussion for 30 minutes or longer, and use some calming technique that will bring them back down to a calm and positive mode. With couples working together, each will understand what is happening, and how the Abort is really a loving attempt to avoid any transactions that may be damaging to the relationship.
end issue discussions positively
To assure positive marriage conflict discussions, it's helpful to learn and practice some good positive endings.
Examples: "Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me on this issue." "I'm happy that we could find a win-win solution to the issue." "I love you and I appreciate your being willing to work through these discussions in a positive and loving way."
alternatives for item 2
"We didn't find a solution that will work for both of us yet, but I think we will find one eventually."
"We made a lot of progress, and each of us is willing to make concessions. We'll get back to it again."
what do you do if you or your partner just can't do it?
One couple found they were not able to do it. They tried again and again, but always ended up feeling angry or having some other bad feeling. Finally, they decided to hold 'issue' discussions by email. Whenever one of them wanted to start an issue discussion that might lead to a fight, he or she would go to the computer and compose an email to the other. They agreed that the person who wanted the discussion would start the email with something loving, warm, and respectful, such as:
"Dearest Sweetbuns. Love of my life, friend and co-parent of two lovely children: I have a request to make of you. Please, next Tuesday, think of something you can do to remind yourself to take the garbage out. The can is full, and we must now wait a week until the next pickup. If there is anything I can do to help you remember — without seeming to nag — I'd be happy to do it. Just ask. I appreciate so much that you've agreed to handle the garbage, and everything else you do to make our lives and marriage happier. You're a joy to be married to."
Every email would start in a positive and respectful place, and end with appreciation and a loving note.
Both of them reported that the act of typing a positive, loving beginning seemed to make their anger, hurt, or other bad feeling disappear. The fellow said he even got a laugh out of writing outrageously "over the top" sentiments at the beginning and end, and he could never stay angry about whatever the issue was.
Using email may seem like an extreme step, but both people felt it made "a world of difference" in how they felt about each other. They had found a way to completely stop potentially dangerous fighting. They proved that you really can achieve positive marriage conflict discussions, even if you can't talk face to face, without fighting
Labels: marriage conflict
posted by Robert Heard at
4:18 PM
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Could I say happiness is as simple as that stated in the following 2 essays of mine?
(Key: Ineffective happiness, optimal points, bio-entity,….)
Yi Kang
(康易)
(Professor of chemistry, retired)
-------
Essay 1
Summary of 500 Essays
on Health-Happiness
Yi Kang
To be happy is easy if we know:
1. Happiness (including love, sense of beauty,…) is the feeling of things being better for our propagation and encouraging us to go further. (Except ineffective happiness, as smoking …)
2. Well-being is the ongoing feeling of things going better for our propagation.
3. Suffering is the feeling of things being harmful to our propagation and calling us for taking measure to prevent or rectify it.
4. The ultimate goal of life is to propagate forever. (The origin of all things in human world)
All the four above are instincts.
An instinct is ancestors’ successful experiences saved on our DNA.
Also, the following are instincts:
* * *
Babies, children …. eat, play(learn), ….
Being in love is the in the process of carefully matching of the couple’s instinct data and programs (intuition, feeling, soul,…) and their acquired data and programs (knowledge, statuses, accuracy,….) for their propagation.
A couple of spouses or lovers are one bio-entity integrated spiritually in order to propagate.
The old ….love grand-children.
* * *
Friends are the essential members of our symbiotic group.
Moral, conscience, justice, helping others,… are instincts for maintenance of our symbiotic group.
* * *
Everything has its own optimal point. Being not up to or going beyond the point is harmful.
For people, the optimal point is 10,000-years-ago norm in most cases.
* * *
The optimal point of wealth is not being rich but passably well-to-do. (e.g. Bill Gates after 2008)
* * *
Our health, beauty, and long life are based on 10,000-years-ago norm.
* * *
The 10,000-years-ago norm based on instincts.
The instincts run our thinking and body.
The thinking runs our body.
Right?
(from http://blog.sina.com.cn/happywellness)
P.S.
The balanced diet, essential exercise, best environmental standards and highest happiness index …all meet the norm. Ineffective happiness does not.
________
幸福“万标”500博文 摘要
康易
幸福人生(含婚姻) 不难，
只需明白 下边： （尤其“最佳点”）
快乐（含：爱、美感、……） 是 事物 进一步利于“传种接代”之感。（肯定、鼓励）
幸福 是 “传种接代” 进行顺利之感。
痛苦（含：恨、丑感、……） 是 事物 有害“传种接代”之感。（警告、监改）
人生最终目的 —— “传种接代”。（人间万事之源）
以上四者 都是 “本能”。
“本能”是 DNA上祖先成功经验。
还有：
儿时，吃、玩… 为长大后“传种接代”。
恋爱 是 仔细、不断 核对
本能的 数据和程序（感情、直觉、心声、灵魂、… ；60分以上 启动 爱情程序）、
后天的 数据和程序（理智、知识、精确度、…）
利于“传种接代”的 程度。
（见：拙博 照片 4，点击放大）
情侣、 夫妻 是 用精神连结成的 一个完整的 生物体。
双方 互视“己身之半”、分工合作“传种接代”。
（见：拙博 照片 4-5，点击放大）
老年，乐在育孙。
朋友、伙伴 是 “群居共生”的 必要成员。
道德、良心、正义、助人(含授课)… 是 维持“群居共生”
以利“传种接代”的 本能。
万事 各有“最佳点”。
不及、过之，都不好。
对人，此点 经常 是“万标”。
财富 “最佳点” 是 小康。
不然、 “传种接代”不良。
（如 盖茨）
健康、苗条、雀跃长寿， 靠“万标”。
“万标”从 本能。
本能 定 心身。
心领身。
对吗？
有例外？
(参见： 小书简介（拙博 相册 照片2，点击放大）)
学生 还觉得：
“饮食平衡”（含减肥…）具体化 是 “万标”饮食。
“必要运动”（含 健脑、减肥…）的 量、质、境， 也是 “万标”那样。
“心态平衡”具体化 是 “万标”心态。
“无效快乐”， 是 非“万标”的快乐。
“无效痛苦”， 是 非“万标”的痛苦。
“无效美”， 是 假美、不利于“传种接代”之美。
“环保指标”的 最终点，是“万标”的环境。
“幸福指数”最高的 生活 是 最接近“万标”的 生活。
对吗？
学生
康易（happy_wellness）敬上
（自http://blog.sina.com.cn/happywellness）
--- 欢迎转贴 ---
Essay 2
Happiness，Effective or Not?
by Yi Kang
(1/500 Examples of 10,000=Years-Ago-Norm)
(Mini-Topic on Health No.0 (1st/86))
Keywords: Definition of happiness, mechanism of happiness, effective happiness, ineffective happiness, baton, self-reproduction, standards of 10,000 years ago, evolution.
1. Origin of Happiness
According to the evolution knowledge learned in our high school, it is obvious that happiness is originated from biological evolution of human being. As all kinds of human activities need a director or “baton” to coordinate themselves to reach the best result，happiness was gradually formed during the long period of evolution. (1,3,4)
2. Definition of Happiness
Happiness is a director or baton or feeling that confirms and encourages people for whatever they want to or are doing or have done is ultimately good for their propagation. (1)
3. Role of Happiness
All activities of human being are for the ultimate goal of their propagation (keeping their DNA alive). To reach this goal in the most efficient way, there has to be a unified director in charge of all the kinds of human activities so as to avoid chaos or low efficiency that will eventually lead to the extinction of human being. This director is obviously the happiness, which directs all activities toward the right way as a traffic baton. (1)
4. Mechanism of Happiness
To simplify the explanation, let us suppose that human brain worked just like a personal computer. Similarly, there were decision programs in the human brain computer, too. One of the programs was used to deal with the happiness. Using the data in the database of the human brain computer (instinct data on DNA saved by our ancestors), the program could recognize accurately whether a human activity is in favor of propagation or not. If it is, then the program making people feel happy runs for a short time. (1,3,4)
5. Effective Happiness
The effective happiness is a kind of happiness that happens 10,000 years ago when a thing in favor of propagation is done by or to human.(2) For example, eating unprocessed fresh food and living in an environment same as those 10,000 years ago. All these activities are good for our propagation.（1）
6. Ineffective Happiness
The ineffective happiness is such a kind of happiness that did not happen 10,000 years ago. For examples，the happiness people have during eating junk food, smoking tobacco, abusing drug, living in a luxurious house with various pollutants, …even economy booming. And all these activities are harmful to our propagation. (2 )
7. Harm of Ineffective Happiness
Facts show that almost all of ineffective happiness (including ineffective economy) is harmful to human survival on the earth. (2) It is overshooting.
References
1. 英文 著，《吃、喝、穿、住、其他：康乐简则》, 2005, Jerry&Harry /He Co. ISBN 978-0-9771-8610-5. (To be published in English ( W. Ying, “Eat, Drink, Wear, Dwell, etc.: An Easy Rule for Happy Health” )) or http://www.geocities.com/happy_wellness/HappyWellness1stEdtion.pdf.
2. ibid, p. 18-148.
3. Paul Kwatz, “Conscious Robots”, 2005, Lulu, Inc., http://www.consciousrobots.co.uk/.
4. Stevenson, J. 2006. “Man, the Digital Machine.” http://www.onelife.com/evolve/digman.html.
Last updated October 7, 2008
Copyright 2005-2008 Jerry He and Harry He All Rights Reserved.
(From http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4bcbe5d1010007p7.html )
保健漫谈 小议0：（1st/86）
（幸福“万标”500用例 之一）
快乐，有效？无效？
（进化论）
康 易
关键词：快乐、快乐的定义、快乐的机理、有效快乐、无效快乐、指挥棒、传种接代、一万年前标准、进化论。
1、快乐的起源
快乐 起源于 人的生物进化。人的活动需要一个“指挥棒”，方能得到最好效果，才能延续到今天。经过漫长的生物进化，才形成了“快乐”这个“指挥棒”。（1、3）
2、快乐的定义
“快乐”是 对进行“传种接代”活动的 事前、事中、事后的 肯定、鼓励。（1）
3、快乐的用途
人的活动的 最终目的 是“传种接代”（延续 自己DNA的活动）。为了最有效地达到这个目的，要用“快乐”这个“指挥棒” 统帅人体的一切活动。（1）
4、快乐的机理
用电脑常识来比喻：“快乐”好像是“人体电脑”里的一种判断程序。它能根据“人体电脑”中储存的数据，判断出所作所为是否有利于“传种接代”。如果是，就启动一个“快乐”程序，使人感觉“快乐”。（1）
5、有效快乐
符合“一万年前标准”的人间万事。 例如：吃未加工的天然食品、住原始生态的环境、等时，感觉到的快乐，是有效快乐。因为，这些活动对传种接代 有效。（1）
6、无效快乐
从不符合“一万年前标准”的人间万事中得到的“快乐”，都是“无效快乐”。例如，吃垃圾食品、吸烟、吸毒，住污染的高级建筑中，等时感到的“快乐”，是无效快乐。因为，这些活动对传种接代 无效。（2）
7、无效快乐的危害
事实证明:“无效快乐”，绝大多数，都损害 人的身心健康。所以，不但浪费 人力物力，而且有害 人类 在地球上 生存。（2）
参考文献
1. 英文著《吃、喝、穿、住、其他：康乐简则》，18-24页， 2005，Jerry & Harry / He Co. ISBN 878-0-9771-8610-5 或 http://www.geocities.com/happy_wellness/HappyWellness1stEdtion.pdf。
2. 同上，18-148页。
3. Paul Kwatz, “Conscious Robots” （有意识的机器人）, 2005, Lulu, Inc., http://www.consciousrobots.co.uk/.
4. Stevenson, J. 2006. “Man, the Digital Machine.” http://www.onelife.com/evolve/digman.html
5. Sharpe. K., 1998, “The Sense pf Happiness: Biological Explanations and Ultimate Reality and Meaning”, Ultimate Reality and Meaning 21 (4) December 1998: 301-314. Or www.ksharpe.com/Word/EP20.htm
恭候赐教！
Last updated October 3, 2008
Copyright 2005-2008 Jerry He and Harry He All Rights Reserved.
(自 http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4bcbe5d1010007p7.html )
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