Maybe your marriage can be saved

"A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences."
Dave Meurer "Daze of our Wives"

Maybe your marriage can be saved
Ok, here we are in what I feel is the most important section of this website. I’m going to be blunt with you here, I think that the vast majority of marriages can and should be saved, especially those with children involved.

I think most people divorce too quickly, with motives that are ultimately too selfish. I think that if more people could commit as much energy to their existing relationship as they do to an affair, or to their job, or even to their friends they would find themselves ultimately enjoying a lasting, rewarding relationship with their current spouse. And the statistics speak for themselves:

Between 43 and 50% of first marriages will end in divorce within the first 15 years.
The relative risk of suicide with 100 people is 1.0 for a single person, while a divorced person is at 2.9.
The annual rate of depression in 100 single (never married) women is 2.4. Married (never divorced) women have a rate of 1.5. Women divorced once have a rate of 4.1 and women divorced twice have a rate as high as 5.8. These numbers are according to the National Institute of Mental Health.
Four separate studies show that between 9 and 15% of children of two parent homes drop out of high school. Children of single parent homes drop out at a rate of 16 to 29%.
The percentage of teen unmarried girls in homes with two parents typically runs at a rate of between 11 and 20%. Girls in homes with a single parent have babies at a rate of between 19 and 31%.

I feel very strongly that divorce should be the absolute last resort, and that as much as we like to think of it as a solution, divorce doesn’t always solve problems.

Believe me, it has not been totally easy to write this section. I feel very strongly that divorce should be the absolute last resort, and that as much as we like to think of it as a solution, divorce doesn’t always solve problems. In fact, more often than not, you trade one set of problems in for a totally different set, only now you’re alone as you try to deal with them. Women are almost always worse off financially after a divorce. Men in most cases find themselves in a lesser role as a parent. Children suffer the most overall, and in most cases for kids, the divorce is the beginning of the bad times, not the end of it. Most children don’t realize that Mom and Dad are having trouble, but once a divorce happens, they see life changing, their security becomes threatened and in the long run, they are often worse off than they would have been had Mom and Dad even stayed together in a less than perfect marriage.

Statistically, second marriages have an even higher failure rate than first marriages, so don’t go kidding yourself into thinking it’s going to be better the next time around. So my challenge as I head into this section is to maintain some objectivity, to not preach and to provide worthwhile information to you as you try to make this extremely important decision. Also, please understand that I also believe there are marriages out there that should be ended, as well as many that will end no matter how hard one party tries to save it. I am a firm believer that any marriage that involves mental or physical abuse should absolutely be ended as quickly as possible. I also understand that your spouse may want out, and nothing you can do will change that. My own situation was like that, my wife wanted out and was basically unwilling to do anything to give us a serious chance to save our marriage.

Divorce is hell on all involved.

If you're not sure, if you're wavering, or you question your own motives, by all means, suck it up for a while and make one last effort to save your marriage. But a word of caution, if you try the same tactics you've tried before, you will fail. You need to try something new. If you do nothing else, buy a copy of Relationship Rescue and work all the way through it. This book will give you new skills for working on your relationship, new ways to approach the problems that are tearing you and your spouse apart. Another absolutely wonderful book on this topic is Divorce Busting. If I could, I'd see to it that every couple whose marriage is on the rocks got a copy of this book.

But let’s stay realistic here. Every marriage can’t be saved and in some instances a divorce will actually be better for at least one of the two people involved. But those aren’t the types of situations I want to discuss here. This section is about saving marriages. We’re going to be working on the marriages where there’s at least a 50/50 chance of working things out. Hopefully, you feel as if that’s the situation you are in now.

Now, if you've read this far so far, and you're still not sure which direction you should go, I've found an important resource that I think you should check out. A highly respected couple who have devoted their professional lives to helping others, Susie and Otto Collins have made available and ebook entitled "Should You Stay or Should You Go". If you're really and truly on the fence and can't figure out if you should continue along the path of trying to save your marriage, you owe it to yourself, your spouse and your family to read this ebook.

Be honest with yourself, let’s not build up a bunch of false hope here, but if you’re honestly willing to work at it, and you really want to save your marriage, read on and you should be able to find some helpful information as you move forward.

To address some particular issues that often come up when people start trying to save their marriages, I've also created a few pages that are directed specifically to these issues. They are:

Infidelity - Dealing with cheating spouses.
Better Sex - Fixing your sexual relationship.
Boredom - What happens when the flame flickers out.
Finances - Take care of the money so it doesn't create problems

“I’m sure we can save our marriage if my wife/husband would just change __________” If you’ve heard yourself saying that sentence, with the blank filled in with whatever it happens to be, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that your odds are probably not that great for saving your marriage, given your current mindset. How about this one… “My husband/wife will stay with me if only I can change the way I _________________” Think this scenario has any more of a chance for success? It’s doubtful. So now you’re thinking, “Ok, he’s saying that she isn’t to blame, and I’m not to blame, so who’s to blame and who needs to change?”

Well, how about this? How about we make the assumption that no one is to blame. “But wait,” you say “my wife had an affair, she’s to blame, it’s her fault our marriage is dead, she violated her vows to me, it’s her fault.” Or maybe your situation goes something like this. “It’s his fault our marriage is breaking up, his constant drinking has turned him into an alcoholic, couch potato. We can only save our marriage if he’s willing to stop drinking and start exercising.” Ok, in both of those scenarios, it’s pretty easy for someone outside of the relationship to nod sympathetically and say to you “You’re right, he/she is no good, it’s his/her fault and you're doing the right thing by getting the divorce.” (We’ll talk more about these “friends” later.) But let’s talk a little bit about both of those statements and why they’re not the kind of thinking that will get your marriage on the road to recovery.

First of all, you’re not going to save your marriage by placing blame on your spouse and then sitting back waiting for them to fix things. If you’re just going to lay out the conditions your spouse must meet, then sit back and wait for the changes to happen, you’ve given your spouse total control over the fate of your marriage, and there is literally nothing you can do to influence the situation. You’ve turned yourself into nothing more than the scorekeeper. “Well, Jim drank another six pack in front of the TV last night. I guess he just doesn’t want to save our marriage.” (At this point, the sympathetic friend is obligated to say some kind words of encouragement. “Mary, that man is just no good. You’re a saint for trying to work things out, but I think you just need to kick him out.”) Not a very promising sounding scenario, is it. As hard as it may be, you’re going to have to accept the fact that you also must take some of the blame for the way things are.

Hold on now -- I just said “some of the blame”!

Believe me, I understand how you can have a hard time with that one, but I also believe that it’s vital that you accept some of the responsibility for the situation, and that you also accept that you may also have to change if you really want to save your marriage.

Second, you’re “friends” aren’t going to help save your marriage by echoing your feelings back to you like they’re doing. They’re not intentionally sabotaging your efforts, but they’re not helping either. What you need now is someone who can help you see yourself and your spouse as two worthwhile, valuable people who both have something to contribute to the relationship. Now, before we’re done spending time together, you’ll hear me say more than once that you need to get over your fear of asking for help. You’re reading these words because you’re in a situation you are having a hard time handling alone, there’s nothing wrong with that, no weakness implied, it’s just the way it is. If you’ll search with an open mind, you’ll find that there are tons of people you can turn to in this time of confusion and pain for help. Mostly, I’m talking about a neutral third party. This person may be your local religious leader, a friend who cares about both of you and who isn’t afraid to say things you might not want to hear, or even a professional counselor or therapist.

Now don’t let me lose you here, I understand that you may be finding yourself in a situation where you suddenly found out that your spouse was cheating on you, you feel like you have done nothing wrong, and so it’s not you that has to change, it’s your spouse. At first glance, it’s easy to get in that position; you were wronged, your spouse has to change if the marriage is to be saved. But here’s the point I want to make: You cannot save your marriage by placing all the blame on your spouse and then sitting back and waiting for them to change. What you need to understand, if you’re going to try to rebuild your relationship is that you are BOTH going to have to change and you’re BOTH going to have to want to save the relationship. You’re BOTH going to have to commit to it, if there is a snowballs' chance of saving it. What that means is that your Hubby is going to have to dump the 19 year old aerobics instructor he’s been secretly sleeping with, and you are going to have to swallow your pride and begin to try to get to the bottom of why he had the affair in the first place. Now I won’t sit here now and try to define all the reasons that marriages go bad, there’s no way I can do that here. Maybe your spouse had an affair partly because you’ve stopped taking care of yourself and you’re not the trim athletic girl you were when he married you. The reasons will only be important to you and your spouse, they’ll be the reasons and the factors that are affecting your marriage, and you both have to take steps to fix those things, together.

What I want to do is make you understand that there were two people who stood on the alter together and promised to love each other forever, and if there aren’t two people working on fixing the problems, there isn’t any relationship to save.

Labels: happy marriage

posted by Robert Heard at 8:15 AM