10 Things You Need To Ask Yourself If You Are Considering Whether To Stay In or Leave a Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins
Whether you've been in your relationship for 2 months, 2 years or 20 years, we don't have to tell you that making the decision to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make.
We've both also made this decision ourselves in our previous relationships, so we know how difficult it can be.
In our relationship coaching practice and workshops, we've guided hundreds of people through a conscious decision-making process of whether to stay and work to make their relationship better or whether to leave their relationship with grace.
In this article, we're offering ten powerful, thought-provoking questions that you need to deeply consider if you are in this situation.
We invite you to take some time to reflect on these questions and write out your responses without censoring or judging them.
If your partner is willing and you feel like you can ask, invite him/her to answer these questions as well, and then compare your answers.
If you are trying to make the decision of whether to stay in or leave the relationship by yourself, your answers to these questions will give you a lot of insight into what decision is best for you.
1) Why am I considering leaving this relationship?
When things get tough, most everyone has had the thought roll through their minds at some time or another that maybe they might be better off without their partner. Although this question seems obvious, reflecting on it will shed light on how deep your pain is in this relationship.
2) What is the real reason you are considering leaving this relationship?
There's always a reason underneath what you say is the problem. This question is not to trivialize your answers to the first question but rather to ask you to delve deeper. For example, if Susie had been asked this question about her previous marriage, she would have answered the first question with - “We no longer have the same interests, the passion has gone out of the marriage and we seem to be leading separate lives.” After going deeper, she would have said, “I realize I will never get the love that I want in this relationship.”
3) What are the most important things you need to consider in order to make this decision?
You might want to consider housing for you and your children, financial concerns, health concerns, or other life circumstances. An example of this may be: “If I leave (or stay in) this relationship, I won't be able to attend college and that is an important goal of mine.”
4) How will the other people in my life be affected if I stay or leave and can I deal with that?
We never know how others will be affected when we make a decision of this magnitude. While we need to consider how this decision will impact them, the ultimate, conscious choice should be ours and ours alone.
5) If children are involved, will they be able to see a better example of love in action if you stay or if you leave?
Considering how staying in or leaving a relationship affects the children is usually a major consideration for anyone in this situation. We feel that this is an important question to answer to help you focus on the current and future welfare of your children.
6) Are there any commitments or agreements you will be breaking if you decide to leave this relationship and how do you feel about that?
A marriage commitment is an obvious example of this. Examining your beliefs, including religious beliefs, about commitments is an important consideration as you make your way to your decision.
7) How important is love to you compared to other things in your life?
We're asking you to look at your values when you answer this question. For example: If you are considering leaving, is having the love you want more important to you than keeping your current lifestyle or home?
8) Is there any chance the two of you will be able to heal the issues surrounding this relationship?
Ask yourself if both of you are willing to do what is necessary to break down the walls and heal what is happening between the two of you.
9) How have you changed since you entered into this relationship and how have your wants, needs, and desire for what you want in a relationship changed?
Taking an honest look at how you have changed will help you to see if your partner is the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with today.
10) What is the biggest payoff if you were to stay in this relationship and what is the payoff if you were to leave?
Honestly considering what you would be getting out of each of these scenarios will help you to determine what is right for you.
If you are considering whether to stay in or leave a relationship, these 10 questions are a good way to begin to focus your thoughts. If you are interested in delving deeper into this question, you'll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our book “Should you stay or Should you go?” To find out more about this book visit our web site at http://www.stayorgo.com.
Do you agree?
About the Author
Susie and Otto Collins are married, relationship coaches and authors of books and courses on relationships which include “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “No More Jealousy,” “Creating Relationship Trust,” “Attracting Your Perfect Partner” “Communication Magic,” and “Instant Relationship Breakthroughs.” To get their free weekly online Love and Relationship newsletter which is read by thousands, visit ww.collinspartners.com.
Labels: 10 Things You Need To Ask Yourself If You Are Considering Whether To Stay In or Leave a Relationship
Breaking Up is Hard on More Than Two
By Paul Mauchline
They say, "Breaking up is hard to do." I want to add that breaking up is hard on more people than just two. In recent years, there has been so much focus in the media on the question, "Are you the one for me?" Before committing to a relationship, most people discuss this topic with friends and family, and ponder it on their own. However, in spite of this focus, so many people seem to make poor choices when it comes to relationship partners. Despite the fact we seem to be examining this question with such scrutiny, the divorce rate in the United States, Canada, and several other countries is over fifty percent. It is difficult for me to understand why two people would meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Such a decision has a ripple effect. Whether you have lived common law for two years, or been married for fifteen, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up; it creates a chain reaction that flows down to friends, family, and, most importantly, children if you have them.
If you have children, your relationship problems and breakdown can put their emotional health and well-being at risk. If their concerns are not addressed or treated early on after separation occurs, your children may have their own dysfunctional relationship patterns when they become adults. In the early 1970s, as the divorce rate was beginning to soar, California psychologist Judith Wallerstein began a study of the effects of divorce on 131 middle-class children. After 25 years of studying this group, Wallerstein found that children continue to suffer the emotional repercussions of their parent's divorce as they form their own romantic relationships in their 20s and 30s. Wallerstein found that, "unlike the adult experience, the child's suffering does not reach its peak at the breakup and then level off. The effect of the parent's divorce is played and replayed throughout the first three decades of the children's lives."
In Canada, during the 1980's and 1990's, single parent families increased by 60% in 15 years to 1.1 million. Considering that the population of Canada is fewer than 30 million, this is a significant portion of Canadian families. Social historian David Blankenhorn, author of the book, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, brings to our attention that it is extremely difficult for a single parent to meet all of the emotional needs of a child. A strong relationship with both parents is essential for developing compassionate and confident young men and women. Boys raised in single parent families run a higher risk of becoming aggressive and sexually irresponsible as young men. For girls, being raised in a single parent family leads to a higher prevalence of teen pregnancy and early divorce. The U.S. government recognizes the significant social and economic ramifications of this problem, and has set up several committees to deal with what they view as a critical issue affecting American families.
What do you think? Share your opinion.
Labels: Breaking Up is Hard on More Than Two
Learning From A Relationship Breakdown
By Robert Elias Najemy
A divorce, separation or, in general, any loss of an important relationship is a painful experience. . Such pain can seriously diminish our peace and happiness. We can, however, use this inner discomfort for our spiritual benefit. If we are thinking of separating, there are many lessons we need to examine before we can come to the conclusion that we must separate from someone. But if the other leaves us or this separation has already happened, we might be able to benefit from the following.
1. Our first lesson is to examine our behavior to see how we might have contributed to the problem. Only in this way can we create a new healthy relationship if we chose to.
In relation to this we might want to examine the following:
*We may have been criticizing, complaining, rejecting or otherwise causing the other to feel unaccepted.
*We may have been seeking continual affirmation in ways that may have been tiring for the other.
* Our fears may have been causing us to be over sensitive and annoying. *Perhaps we were playing games of power, who is right or who is more successful.
* We might have been playing roles such as the child, the parent, the savior, the holy one, the rebel, the teacher or some other role which may have affected the other¹s behavior.
* We may have guilt feelings that were making us vulnerable to the other¹s words or behaviors.
* Perhaps we were not communicating our needs clearly and effectively as an adult and were suppressing ourselves or complaining, criticizing or threatening.
* We might have been projecting onto the other our childhood or other experiences.
* The other might have been reflecting back to us our lack of self-esteem or self-respect.
* We may have attachments that were coming between us.
* We may have inner conflicts, which were reflecting back to us from the other.
2. We may need to learn to love the other in spite of his or her behavior, regardless of whether we stay with that person or not.
3. We can discover that we can live without this person and that happiness, security and love are internal states that are always within us, if only we allow ourselves to experience them.
4. We can use this opportunity to develop greater inner strength so as to feel confident and able to face whatever may come to us in the game of life.
5. Most of us will need to change our self-image. We need now to learn to accept, love and respect ourselves more, so that we do not create the same problem in our next relationship or in life in general.
6. By directing our energies in a spiritual direction and developing a relationship with God - the Universal Being, we are no longer so vulnerable or so dependent on others for our feelings of security and self-worth.
Our lessons might be separated into five categories:
1. We might need to learn to communicate more effectively, assertively and lovingly.
2. Perhaps we need to let go of some attachments, which are increasing our conflicts with others and diminishing our happiness.
3. Examine our behaviors that might be annoying the other.
4. Free ourselves from subconscious programmings, which limit our self-esteem and ability to attract the behaviors that we deserve.
5. Develop inner feelings of security, self worth and freedom. Once our happiness, security and love have become internalized, we can experience unconditional love. Although we need to make every possible step to heal our relationships, if and when a relationship breaks down, there is still much we can learn. Be Well
What have you learned?
Labels: Learning From A Relationship Breakdown
What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
By Toni Coleman, LCSW
Everything was great.
We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track and just right in general.
Then, without warning, he said he "needs some time to think and figure things out." He stopped calling and rarely returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked "what happened", I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under right now.
What happened? What did I do? I don't know what to think.
Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a boyfriend's/girlfriend's behavior.
Now think about this - What if your relationship wasn't what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn't see? Are any of these possible?
Probably.
This sudden change in a couple's relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been "dumped" with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger.
There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship.
So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn't right between you.
In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person's feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the "fault" of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals' rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual's relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.
How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article.
Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as possible.
Attraction
This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional - on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other. They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.
Without attraction, first dates wouldn't happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date.
In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; "I'm not his type". There is no need to analyze or wonder what went wrong.
If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the relationship.
Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating.
Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc.
Romantic Relating
In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new and fun time in a growing relationship.
During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with words like "thinking of you". It's a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and frequently. One's partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way.
This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term committed love will always be like.
Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between the partners.
Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:
lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage
issues with commitment and fidelity
immature beliefs about what relationships should be
being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love
If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other.
This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively?
Do you agree?
Labels: What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
Why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners?
By Paul Mauchline
I am not an anti-divorce advocate. Divorce is necessary in cases of physical or mental abuse, or in the case of two people who are so incompatible that they never should have been together in the first place. Certainly, if your partner is mentally or physically abusive to you or your children -- or if he or she exhibits any signs of violent behavior -- you cannot ignore these signs. You are putting yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy. Divorce in such cases is merited.
However, considering the alarming divorce statistics worldwide and the growth and economic success of the divorce industry, I have to question whether we seriously consider the question -- "Are you the one for me?" -- before marriage. In my opinion, if relationships are failing at such an alarming rate, why did these people get together in the first place? I have heard many excuses for why relationships fail: "he/she has changed since we met"; "we just grew apart"; "the love just disappeared from the relationship; "we weren't compatible"; "financial troubles got in our way"; "we weren't communicating anymore"; "he/she was unfaithful and cheated on me." To me, the reasons are not important. The real issue is why two people meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Whether you have lived together for two years or twenty years, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up, but also for children, friends, and family as well.
Why are we failing, today, in recognizing what we want as individuals, and what we want and need from our relationships? Now, the sixty-four dollar question: why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners? I do not feel that we are honestly examining the question "are you the one for me?" as much as we may think we are. Relationships are a big part of life for most of us. It is part of our human existence that we choose a mate, share love and intimacy, provide comfort and security for one another, and, in many cases, have and nurture children together. Since intimate, loving relationships are so important to us, many of us are willing to make great sacrifices in order to have a relationship. When we finally meet that potential partner who pushes most of the right buttons, we feel a sense of relief that our search is now over. We are thrilled to have found a partner, a person with whom to have a relationship and share our life. Sometimes, though, we fool ourselves in the initial euphoria of love: we are not honest with ourselves about the things that bother us about our partner. We hope that these things simply will go away. We might ignore upsetting issues and allow them to pass without challenging them, or avoid topics of discussion that could lead to disagreements. We may tell ourselves that the things that bother us about our partner are not very important or that we are being too picky. We may be hesitant about asking questions of our partner that may reveal potential problems for the relationship. We need to make compromises in relationships, but we should not sacrifice our personal dreams and goals for them. By ignoring potential problems, we abandon ourselves for the sake of the relationship.
Many of the warning signs of incompatibility or potential conflict between two partners are present from the beginning of the relationship. The problem lies in recognizing these challenges and addressing them early on in the relationship, before they become irreconcilable differences. If important issues are irreconcilable from the start, it is a good indication that the relationship will not succeed. Each of us is a unique person, with individual qualities, needs, strengths, and imperfections. In relationships with others, two unique individuals come together, and try to live in harmony with one another. Each person's qualities interact with the other's to set the mood or tone of the relationship. It is the cumulative effect of many attributes in another that make us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Many of us fall in love with one aspect or very few aspects of our partners, and try to downplay the other aspects that make us unhappy. Often this gets us into trouble. If we spend our time and energy trying to reassure ourselves that the problems with our partner do not exist, we may be ignoring the issues that will slowly, cumulatively destroy the relationship.
Why do we choose to ignore these problems? Why do we insist on having a relationship when we know deep down inside that this person is not the one? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for emotional hurt? There are many answers to these questions, but fear is probably the greatest motivating factor for these choices. We fear being unable to find somebody with whom to share our life. We fear living alone. We fear being the last of our friends to be in a committed relationship. We fear the financial hardships of doing it alone in a society of two-income households. We fear growing old and dying alone.
Is this you?
Labels: Why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners?
If We Were Meant to Be Why Are We Getting Divorced?
By Paul Mauchline
In recent years, newspaper and magazine articles, books, and television shows have focused on the subject, "Are you the one for me?" This question is one of the most common topics of discussion among friends and family. I have traveled to many parts of the world, and I have heard many a discussion on this subject while sipping coffee in a café, sitting in a bar, or waiting for a bus. We think about and dwell on this question by ourselves, we talk to acquaintances, and we confide in our closest friends. We appear to take this stuff pretty seriously. We would all have to agree that committing ourselves to a relationship, and eventually to marriage or a common law relationship, is probably one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime. Most of us eventually come to a decision that, yes, "this is the one for me," and make such a commitment. I guess my question is that, if we are examining this question with such scrutiny, why is it that one out of two marriages ends in divorce?
Figures released by Statistics Canada for the year 1992 showed the following divorce rates, by country: Canada, 48.02%; United States, 51.44%; United Kingdom, 48.93%; France, 55.43%; Russia, 46.8%; Australia, 37.79%; Sweden, a staggering 58.93%. The statistics are not all doom and gloom: Spain had a rate of 10.9%, Mexico was at 7.78%, and Italy was at 8.56%. This, of course, does not insure that people in Spain, Mexico, and Italy choose partners more wisely and have happier marriages; the lower divorce rates may be related to factors such as cultural and religious beliefs (e.g., a taboo on divorce). Statistically, second marriages are even less successful than first marriages: it looks as if we do not learn anything from the first time around! As for third or fourth marriages: well, I have to wonder whether these people just like having a party. These statistics are on legal marriages, only. The statistics have not even explored the failure rates of common law relationships, where percentages may be even higher. It's only a matter of time before the statisticians come up with those numbers for us. It is not uncommon today for an individual to have had two marriages, and a couple of common law relationships during his or her lifetime.
One factor that may be affecting the rate of divorce is the ease of obtaining a divorce. Over the last twenty years, it has become increasingly easy and more socially acceptable to become divorced. Individuals in the state of Arizona now can divorce their spouses without even telling them, courtesy of the automated Quick Court. The system allows a couple, or either partner, to file for a legal separation in just 20 minutes. The machine also allows you to sort out child custody issues. It even allows an abused partner to file for an order of protection, which becomes effective in 24 hours. Once processed, the system prints out a form that the couple or individual takes to a clerk in the courthouse for filing. Six weeks later, the final divorce arrives, with minimal involvement from either party. The cost is only $30, plus court filing fees. Using a lawyer for the same process could cost thousands. This system makes divorcing easier than getting a driver's license, and has processed tens of thousands of divorces since its introduction in 1994.
Divorce has become a big business in the world today. Due to the demand, more lawyers are choosing to specialize in divorce and family law. Waiting lists are common when seeking an appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist, or mediator who specializes in divorce and custody issues. Divorce is not a cheap proposition: it is not only supporting the lawyers and the medical professionals like psychiatrists, but provides revenue for real estate agents, movers, furniture and appliance stores, even baby-sitters. Also, let us not forget our local travel agent, because if the divorce has been long, messy, and drawn out, everybody is going to need a holiday to recover from it all!
Yes, indeed, divorce is a big money maker. In March of 1996, publisher Dan Courvette introduced Canada to his Divorce magazine. Launched in the Toronto, Ontario market and published quarterly, Divorce is now in its fifth year. Toronto was just the starting point for this magazine. Publisher and divorce entrepreneur Courvette now boasts a flourishing circulation of 110,000 from 4 different regions: California, Illinois, New York / New Jersey, and Ontario. Expansion of Divorce magazine continues with a new website and with plans to launch a national edition of the magazine by the end of the year. Articles seen in this magazine highlight such topics as "A Fairy Tale divorce" -- describing how a nightmare marriage can have a happy ending. Another article, "The Money Trap," describes how two nice people turn into gladiators bent on destruction. Of course, as in any magazine, it is full of advertisements by lawyers, accountants, realtors, mediators, and dating agencies looking for business. In the Toronto issue of Divorce, there is a full-page ad from Telepersonals, luring readers to get back into the dating scene.
Is this you? If so, comment.
Labels: If We Were Meant to Be Why Are We Getting Divorced?
Lisa Daily
The DUMPED Survival Guide
By Lisa Daily
Maybe you knew it was coming. Maybe you didn't.
You've been dumped.
So, other than moping around in your pajamas, spending quality time with Ben & Jerry, what can you do? Well, clear away that mountain of soggy tissues, and I'll tell you how to get through the worst of it, the first 30 days.
Three things:
Take care of yourself.
Give yourself time to mourn.
Move forward.
The first 48 hours.
The first 48 hours are the toughest. Give yourself at least one full weekend to cry your eyes out, eat junk food and lie around on your couch in a broken-heart coma watching sappy movies or a kung-fu marathon. Try to throw a few comedies into the mix if you can, laughter is good for you. If you want to be alone now, be alone. If you want to be with friends, by all means, invite them to console you. Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Don't e-mail your ex. Don't see your ex. Turn your answering machine on and screen your calls. I'm not saying you should never talk to your ex again, but give yourself at least a month or so to build up your ego again. If you think you might be tempted, by all means, invite a friend over to run defense and keep you away from the phone. Next, force yourself to think of the relationship as over. I know that's tough right now, but it truly is necessary. Grieve for what it was, and consider it dead and gone.
The first week.
After your first 48 hours, it is important to get off the couch and take a shower. Not just for hygiene reasons, (but trust me, by this time you'll really need it) but because it's now time to start taking action. Take down all photos that include your ex. If you need to have a ceremonial snapshot torching, by all means, go ahead. Put all reminders of your ex (letters, gifts, photos, etc.) in a box and stuff it way in the back of your closet, or better yet, your garage - someplace you won't see it on a regular basis. If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you - the more humorous, the better. Think hard, I know there's something.
The way he gave the exact same 22-minute response to every single person who asked how his job was going for three solid years. The psycho-squirrel noises she made when she laughed.
The cheap, ugly, green, plastic phone he gave you for Christmas. The way she tried to hold in her sneezes, producing that imploding, snorty noise instead.
Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Start returning to your normal life. Take an extra 20 minutes with your appearance this week. Sure, you may not feel like getting dressed at all, but trust me, if you look good, you'll feel even better. Wear something that makes you feel stunning or confident. Nothing smoothes the ragged edges of a recent break-up like a few well-timed compliments. If your weekend on the couch still shows in your face, put some tea bags on your eyelids.
Make plans with friends for every Friday and Saturday night for the next month, and stick to them. Get out and go dancing. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but you'll find it's a fabulous release. The music and physical activity will make you feel tons better. Speaking of which, exercise four times this week. Yeah, I know you won't feel like it, but do it anyway. You need those happy endorphins that exercise brings. Do a little bonding with your pals. Go to a basketball game, or even bowling. Just get out of the house. One last thing for this week, schedule a massage. You need it!
The second week.
Whatever you do, don't call your ex. Make a detailed list of all your good qualities. Remember, you're a unique, wonderful, person, and someone (probably several someones) will fall madly in love with you, and you with them. Keep your plans with friends every weekend, and by all means, do something physical, or humorous, like going to a comedy club. Work out (three times this week, and for the rest of the break-up survival period), go rock climbing, or dance like the Backstreet Boys in your living room (nobody will see you.) Get your heart rate going. Aside from making your body look good, you'll boost your mood as well. This week is all about pampering yourself. Get a pedicure, or sit in the sauna. You've been through a lot, and you deserve it.Spend some of your newfound time (and probably extra cash, too) on something just for you. Guys, you may be feeling the need for some type of electronic device you've been putting off. Now is the time. Girls, all I can say is, SHOE SHOPPING! Treat yourself to a little something nice this week, and every week for the rest of the month.
The last two weeks.
Whatever you do, don't call your ex. You're halfway through the black period, and the worst is over. This is when you'll start easing back into your pre-girl/pre-guy routine. Be a little selfish with your time, and do exactly what you want to do. You should be focusing on taking care of yourself right now. Now is also the time to start making long-range plans. Make two plans: One plan for a vacation (even if it's three years away,) and one plan for your life. You have a clean slate, what do you want to do? Go back to school? Become a rock star? Learn how to make crawfish traps? No one is holding you back now. Write down your goals, and the steps you'll need to take to reach them.
Holy Moly! Before you know it, the entire month has gone by. You're through the thick of it now, and on the road to recovery. Sure, you'll hit some bumps along the way, but you'll live through this. You've made it this far, and you'll be a stronger, wiser person because of it. Someday, you'll meet someone who will love and appreciate you for the amazing person you are. And this break-up, which is so awful now, will just be one forgotten U- turn on your path to true love.
Is this you? Need help 866.877.9770
Labels: The DUMPED Survival Guide
The Other Woman Can't Break Up Your Marriage. It's Impossible.
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Read More: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cbs, Infidelity, Jennifer Aniston, Sex, Sexism, Vogue, Style News
If you have the misfortune to be heterosexual, as many of us do, you have enough on your plate just trying to bridge the divide on how differently men and women go about all things sexual. Women don't need the extra headache of watching their backs with their own gender. But when it comes to affairs, the focus often shifts from The Marriage to The Other Woman.
This morning I turned on the Early Show just in time to hear the breaking news that there was a "Battle Over Brad" (!) and that in Vogue "Jennifer Aniston breaks her silence and blasts Angelina Jolie for breaking up her marriage."
The segment went on to pull up quotes from the article in which Aniston didn't appear to use that language at all. She seemed to express more of a distaste for the way Jolie handled it rather than accusing her of husband stealing.
So this is the problem I have with CBS: it took the sexist route. You never hear people say The Other Man stole someone's wife, and men are never referred to as home wreckers. But because the appeal of a catfight is apparently news worthy, CBS pit woman against woman and obfuscated the realities of affairs which are these:
No woman can steal another woman's man, and no woman has the power to break up a marriage. It's always a decision the husband makes, a choice to step deeper into his marriage, or to step further outside it. Women aren't omnipotent sirens who lure poor helpless men, and this is true even of women who might have predatory leanings.
None of us has control over anybody -- which is usually a big fat drag, as anyone who's ever tried to change someone knows, but in this case it's a tremendous relief because it means we only have to worry about our couple -- those outside it don't need our attention because ultimately, they aren't the threat.
Obviously whoever participates in an affair is accountable for their actions, but that's not the same thing as being accountable for the end of a marriage.
If a husband is having an affair, it's the husband who threatens the break up the marriage. If a wife is having an affair, it's the wife.
do you agree?
Labels: The Other Woman Can't Break Up Your Marriage. It's Impossible.
COPING WITH BREAKUP
Marriage and Relationship Breakup
When coping with breakup, such as marriage and relationship breakup, or breakup of any close friendship, all of us may experience pain and sorrow at times, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. When you feel like this is getting out of hand, adversely affecting areas of your life and how well you function, then it’s probably time to consider help.
The decision to end a relationship is always a hard one, usually made by one person. Before that decision is made a lot has usually gone on, a relationship breakup happens slowly. Before making the decision ask the following questions:
1. Is it possible to make changes within your relationship?
2. What , if anything can I do to improve things?
3. Are there clear advantages to breaking up?
This will help you appraise honestly whether things are so bad there is no alternative.
A marriage and relationship breakup is a process rather than a single event, so each partner won't necessarily be at the same emotional point when the decision is made. Unstable emotions may be the name of the game for a period of time. NLP Therapy can help you evaluate what you want, both from this relationship, and future ones.
Telling your family and friends that your marriage or relationship isn't working and that you are getting divorced can be:
a. Stressful.
b. Emotional.
c. Final.
d. Life Changing.
Plus
The "Plus" is the unexpected responses you may receive when family and friends first react to the news of your relationship breakup. These responses can vary from embarassment, celebration (he/she was never good enough for you!), to criticism and anger.
So you may find yourself dealing with your own changing emotions, and the emotions of those around you.
If you are preparing to end a relationship, NLP techniques can help stabilize those emotions during what is a difficult process. Being prepared and having support can help enormously, and reduce the emotional aftermath.
Identify supportive friends, ones who look at every situation as a potential opportunity and who are always ready to give without keeping score. Identify them and stay close. You know who they are. You feel it. You sense it.
Use professional help when coping with breakup. This will help you face any challenges that lie ahead. With knowledge you can cope, without it you may fear what you don't know. Knowledge is power.
NLP techniques can also be used to make coping with breakup easier for you and those around you. By using and identifying past resourceful states and utilizing aspects of time line therapy it becomes possible to see a brighter future. A way forward. Using anchoring can help make physiological changes so you feel healthier in mind, body and spirit.
These techniques won’t erase the value of the relationship, or its pleasant memories, but will help you to move on and be emotionally ready for new relationships, so that you can:
1. Like yourself.
2. Stop comparing (and despairing) yourself to others.
3. Start making full use of your abilities.
4. Start viewing your mistakes as a way of learning.
5. Start finding ways to change your life for the better.
6. Start taking action rather than planning action.
7. Learn to accept compliments.
8. Treat yourself as your best friend.
9. Be patient with yourself.
10. Forgive yourself - what's done is done.
To learn more about coping with breakup, whether of marriage or relationship breakup, or how I can help you achieve your relationship goals, contact me at 866.877.9770
Labels: COPING WITH BREAKUP
Working hard hints at failing marriage
Women facing break-up do extra hours
David Smith
If a woman suddenly starts working longer hours, it could be a telltale sign that her marriage is on the rocks, according to a study by economists.
Women whose marriages are collapsing will clock up an average of 283 hours a year — or six hours per working week — more than those who are in stable, happy relationships.
While one explanation could be that they prefer to spend time with their workmates rather than with an estranged husband, the research suggests the motivation is mainly financial.
Women facing divorce not only want to boost their income ahead of the break-up but also want to ensure they are employable once they are reliant on their own earning power. By working longer, perhaps moving from part-time to full-time work, they build up skills and are less marginalised in the job market.
Men respond differently. Faced with a marriage break-up they do not throw themselves into work. If anything, they cut down slightly on their hours.
The research paper, The Effect of Divorce Risk on the Labour Supply of Married Couples, will be presented this week by Kerry Papps, a Cornell University economist, at the Royal Economic Society annual conference at Warwick University.
The research findings were derived by comparing women’s working hours with their marital status. If a woman was married one year but divorced a year or two later, it was assumed that she would have seen the break-up coming.
That was then compared with her working hours to produce a significant statistical match. Marriage experts say the findings make sense for a variety of reasons. “If someone is unhappy they may throw themselves into work, and the socialising that goes with it, as a way of distracting them from being unhappy,” said Denise Knowles, a counsellor with Relate, the UK’s largest provider of relationship counselling and sex therapy.
“I don’t think this always happens at a conscious level. Things may be unpleasant or unhappy at home so they work harder because there is a sense of stability at work. They may not feel valued at home but they do at work.”
Papps’s paper also includes so-called “hazard” rates for divorce — the time after marriage when the risk of break-up is greatest. For both men and women in their first marriages the risk of break-up peaks after four to five years. Women who remarry are much less likely to get divorced.
Divorce rates in Britain have fallen in recent years. In 2005 there were 155,052 divorces, a drop of 7% from the 167,138 recorded in 2004. The peak year was 1993, when more than 180,000 were recorded.
The sharp increase in the number of divorces from the 1960s to the 1990s coincided with a big rise in women working. Between the early 1970s and the mid1990s the number of women in work rose from 9m to 12m. It is now more than 13m.
Do you agree?
Labels: Working hard hints at failing marriage
Relationship advice: 5 fights marriages shouldn't break up over (but do)
Listing 5 different reasons that many marriages break up, including jealousy, distrust, boredom and family issues. Tips on how to prevent it and repair relationships.
Thousands of marriages break up every year, that’s a sad fact. They start out great, but something happens along the way. It could be almost immediately that the signs begin showing that one or both mates aren’t happy, or it could take years. Money, careers and egos are often behind the break up of a marriage but there are 5 other reasons that marriages break up, but shouldn’t.
The lack of communication is one reason why marriages finally fall apart. Some couples begin their relationships just by talking, and talking. Then one day, you notice that you don’t talk as much as you used to or that the conversations have little meaning. There could be many different reasons behind this. One is that the couple are tired after work and caring for children, and just don’t feel like talking. After many months of this, you seem to lose the connection you once had. Another communication problem is pretending to like something you don’t, in order to make the other person happy. Good intentions, but they often go sour after you realize that you don’t want to pretend any more. Now the only thing left to do is hurt the person’s feelings or let them know you lied and were only pretending the entire time. This often causes one mate to lose respect for the other.
Jealousy is another reason that many marriages break up. Once married, many people expect their mate to give up friendships, particularly ones with the opposite sex. Many women don’t want men to go out for a night with the boys; many men want their woman to speak to no other man. Arguments follow, and hard feelings. Distrust and finally bitterness result in not being frank with each other about this topic from the beginning. Marriage will change previous relationships somewhat, but no one should have to give up their previous friendships to suit a mate. Trust is important in a relationship and trust goes out the window when either party becomes jealous.
Jokes have been made for many years about in-laws but the fact of the matter is, if you don’t like yours, there could be years of trouble. Some in-laws butt in where they’re not wanted or needed, causing one person to “choose” between the parent or the mate. For some people, it’s simply impossible to choose because they don’t want either person mad at them. This usually angers both the mate and the in-laws, causing further ill feelings. Arguments with, about, and over in-laws can cause irreparable damage to a marriage.
Kids, step kids, your kids, my kids - it can be overwhelming. The birth of a new baby is a beautiful thing, but can cause the dad to feel left out. The mom is often tired and frustrated from dealing with the baby, making the tension very thick in the household. Or the problem could lie with older children, from previous relationships. If you’re the new step mom or step dad, you try really hard to have the kids like you, but maybe they never will. Kids might try to intimidate the new parent, causing hard feelings. Arguments about punishments, curfews and other child issues can cause a rift in the marriage.
Boredom is one of the number one reasons that after years of being together, people break up. Maybe your mate has fallen into the habit of sitting in front of the television, night after night, while you sit alone in the bedroom. Someone at work notices you, smiles, and it’s over. You’re now interested in the new person who pays attention to you. You begin an affair that will eventually end the marriage.
Try to avoid the pitfalls of the typical divorce by being honest with your mate from day one, remembering to do or say little special things to your partner from time to time, and pay attention to your mate, no matter how busy you are. Marriage is a wonderful thing and it doesn’t have to go bad if you and your partner have made up your mind to make it work, no matter what.
Has your marriage broken up because of these reasons? Add a comment if it has.
Labels: Relationship advice: 5 fights marriages shouldn't break up over (but do)
How To Revive Your Relationship
By Staff Writer
It feels good to be in a committed relationship, doesn’t it? But after a while, you can sometimes get so comfortable that you no longer take the effort to make your partner feel special. If you want to maintain the spark, it’s important not to take your partner for granted. Here are a few questions to assess whether or not you’ve become too comfortable in your relationship and some tips on what you can do to revive your relationship if you have.
Have your love handles become highway dividers? Letting it all hang out is a term that may apply to your emotional life but should never apply to your torso. Taking care of yourself is a wonderful way to appreciate yourself and your partner, too. Staying in shape will help to stoke your interest in sexual activity as well as maintain your partner’s interest, too. And maintaining a good sex life is an important part of fostering intimacy while having fun together at the same time. Though few of us can maintain the silhouette of our early adulthood, we can do our best to come close.
Are you stuck in a routine? Remember Sir Isaac Newton’s first law of motion: Unless acted upon by an outside force, a body at rest tends to stay at rest, and a body in motion tends to stay in motion. If you’ve fallen into a routine as a couple, you need to shake yourselves out of it. Don’t just talk about how you’d like to take a dance class someday: Sign up for tango starting tomorrow! Seek novel experiences, especially those that are exciting or arousing, to lower your levels of boredom and up your levels of satisfaction. And we’re not just talking a new movie here….we’re talking things that you have never done before, that will inspire and stimulate you.
Do you still write love notes? Seduction should start long before you reach the bedroom door. Think back to those special things that you did for each other early on in your relationship that made your partner feel loved and appreciated (whether it’s the traditional chocolates and romantic candlelit dinner or the less traditional note tucked beneath her windshield wipers). If you no longer surprise and delight your partner, then chances are that she is feeling neglected or at least not as appreciated as she would like. If doing the same darn thing you used to seems clichéd for some reason, try a variation on a theme or just make something up. Everyone loves to feel special and appreciated by the one they love, and you are not likely to go wrong.
Do you continue to learn about one another? We’ve all heard the cliché as to how a relationship ended. It goes like this: “We grew apart.” What this usually means is that one person continued growing and the other didn’t care. At the start of a relationship, you spend a lot of time learning about your loved one’s childhood, upbringing, relationships, work and so on. But once you know those things, don’t stop learning about one another. Your partner continues to grow and you need to keep up with her new interests and the new aspects of herself that she discovers. Otherwise, your relationship may become one of the other dreaded cliches, the 50% of marriages that don't survive.
When is the last time that you had a real conversation? Couples can sometimes amaze themselves when they think back to the last real conversation they had together, and realize that it has been weeks, if not months. In our busy world today, it is essential that you carve out time that is for your partner only: Otherwise, work, family and community obligations will eat up every spare moment. Pick a date night one night a week and go to a new restaurant or dance club. Protect that time together at all costs; otherwise, the price could be your marriage.
Have you ever been to a marriage encounter weekend? I can hear the groans already. But the time devoted to your marriage (instead of to the usual kids, bills and home maintenance projects) can allow you to reconnect with your partner on an intimate level and to practice your all-important communication skills in a safe setting. The right weekend can transform your marriage from a thing of boredom into a thing of beauty. Marriage encounter weekends may not be for everyone, but at least research the possibilities before writing this option off.
Did you used to wear short skirts for your partner but don’t anymore? Remember, vision is one of the senses, and the more senses your partner can use to appreciate you, the more sensuous his experience. So go the extra yard and give your partner something to look at……chances are by now that you know what he likes, and if not, you can ask! Don’t make the mistake of thinking you need to look like Gisele Bundchen to appeal to your mate’s visual senses…you’ll lose an opportunity to expand your own horizons while giving your partner a thrill. Dress for your partner like you did on your first few dates..... Dating Blogs
Remember that sweet sense of anticipation when you were still wooing one another? Try to reconnect with that feeling and recreate a sense of courtship in your day to day life. Maintaining romance is probably the single most important thing you can do to maintain a healthy relationship and nothing kills it faster than feeling taken for granted. Everyone wants to feel special and if you don’t continue to woo your mate.....someone else may.
Labels: How To Revive Your Relationship
Gay Marriage: The Arguments and the Motives
A personal essay in hypertext by Scott Bidstrup
"We cannot accept the view that Amendment 2's prohibition on specific legal protections does no more than deprive homosexuals of special rights. To the contrary, the amendment imposes a special disability on those persons alone. Homosexuals are forbidden the safeguards that others enjoy or may seek without constraint"
-Justice Anthony Kennedy, writing for the majority of the U.S. Supreme Court in the decision overturning Colorado's Amendment 2 referendum
Ask just about anyone. They'll all tell you they're in favor of equal rights for homosexuals. Just name the situation, and ask. They'll all say, yes, gays should have the same rights in housing, jobs, public accomodations, and should have equal access to government benefits, equal protection of the law, etcetera, etcetera.
Then you get to gay marriage.
And that's when all this talk of equality stops dead cold.
More than half of all people in the United States oppose gay marriage, even though three fourths are otherwise supportive of gay rights. This means that many of the same people who are even passionately in favor of gay rights oppose gays on this one issue.
Why all the passion?
It's because there is a lot of misunderstanding about what homosexuality really is, as well as the erroneous assumption that gay people enjoy the same civil rights protections as everyone else. There are also a lot of stereotypes about gay relationships, and even a great deal of misunderstanding of what marriage itself is all about and what its purpose is.
The purpose of this essay, then, is to clear up a few of these misunderstandings and discuss some of facts surrounding gay relationships and marriage, gay and straight.
First, let's discuss what gay relationships are really all about. The stereotype has it that gays are promiscuous, unable to form lasting relationships, and the relationships that do form are shallow and uncommitted. And gays do have such relationships!
But the important fact to note is that just like in straight society, where such relationships also exist, they are a small minority, and exist primarily among the very young. Indeed, one of the most frequent complaints of older gay men is that it is almost impossible to find quality single men to get into a relationship with, because they're already all 'taken!'
If you attend any gay event, such as a Pride festival or a PFLAG convention, you'll find this to be true. As gays age and mature, just like their straight cohorts, they begin to appreciate and find their way into long-term committed relationships.
The values that such gay couples exhibit in their daily lives are often indistinguishable from those of their straight neighbors. They're loyal to their mates, are monogamous, devoted partners. They value and participate in family life, are committed to making their neighborhoods and communities safer and better places to live, and honor and abide by the law. Many make valuable contributions to their communities, serving on school boards, volunteering in community charities, and trying to be good citizens. In doing so, they take full advantage of their relationship to make not only their own lives better, but those of their neighbors as well.
A benefit to heterosexual society of gay marriage is the fact that the commitment of a marriage means the participants are discouraged from promiscous sex. This has the advantage of slowing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, which know no sexual orientation and are equal opportunity destroyers.
These benefits of gay marriage have changed the attitudes of the majority of people in Denmark and other countries where various forms of gay marriage have been legal for years. Polling results now show that most people there now recognize that the benefits far outweigh the trivial costs, and that far from threatening heterosexual marriage, gay marriage has actually strenghtened it.
So, having established the value of gay marriage, why are people so opposed to it?
Many of the reasons offered for opposing gay marriage are based on the assumption that gays have a choice in who they can feel attracted to, and the reality is quite different. Many people actually believe that gays could simply choose to be heterosexual if they wished. But the reality is that very few do have a choice -- any more than very few heterosexuals could choose which sex to find themselves attracted to.
Additionally, many people continue to believe the propaganda from right-wing religious organizations that homosexuality is about nothing but sex, considering it to be merely a sexual perversion. The reality is that homosexuality is multidimensional, and is much more about love and affection than it is about sex. And this is what gay relationships are based on -- mutual attraction, love and affection. Sex, in a committed gay relationship, is merely a means of expressing that love, just the same as it is for heterosexuals. Being gay is much more profound than simply a sexual relationship; being gay is part of that person's core indentity, and goes right the very center of his being. It's like being black in a society of whites, or a blonde European in a nation of black-haired Asians. Yes, being gay is just that profound to the person who is. This is something that few heterosexuals can understand unless they are part of a minority themselves.
The Arguments Against Gay Marriage
Well, of course there are a lot of reasons being offered these days for opposing gay marriage, and they are usually variations on a few well-established themes. Interestingly, a court in Hawaii has recently heard them all. And it found, after due deliberation, that they didn't hold water.
Here's a summary:
Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman. Well, that's the most often heard argument, one even codified in a recently passed U.S. federal law. Yet it is easily the weakest. Who says what marriage is and by whom it is to be defined? The married? The marriable? Isn't that kind of like allowing a banker to decide who is going to own the money in stored in his vaults? It seems to me that justice demands that if the straight community cannot show a compelling reason to deny the institution of marriage to gay people, it shouldn't be denied. And such simple, nebulous declarations, with no real moral argument behind them, are hardly compelling reasons. They're really more like an expression of prejudice than any kind of a real argument. The concept of not denying people their rights unless you can show a compelling reason to deny them is the very basis of the American ideal of human rights.
Same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children. That's an interesting one, in light of who society does allow to get married and bring children into their marriage. Check it out: murderers, convicted felons of all sorts, even known child molesters are all allowed to freely marry and procreate, and do so every day, with hardly a second thought, much less a protest, by these same critics. So if children are truly the priority here, why is this allowed? The fact is that many gay couples raise children, adopted and occasionally their own from failed attempts at heterosexual marriages. Lots and lots of scientific studies have shown that the outcomes of the children raised in the homes of gay and lesbian couples are just as good as those of straight couples. The differences have been shown again and again to be insignificant. Psychologists tell us that what makes the difference is the love and commitment of the parents, not their gender. The studies are very clear about that. And gay people are as capable of loving children as fully as anyone else.
Gay relationships are immoral. Says who? The Bible? Somehow, I always thought that freedom of religion implied the right to freedom from religion as well. The Bible has absolutely no standing in American law, as was made clear by the intent of the First Amendment (and as was very explicitly stated by the founding fathers in their first treaty, the Treaty of Tripoli, in 1791) and because it doesn't, no one has the right to impose rules anyone else simply because of something they percieve to be a moral injunction mandated by the Bible. Not all world religions have a problem with homosexuality; many sects of Buddhism, for example, celebrate gay relationships freely and would like to have the authority to make them legal marriages. In that sense, their religious freedom is being infringed. If one believes in religious freedom, the recognition that opposition to gay marriage is based on religious arguments is reason enough to discount this argument.
Marriages are for procreation and ensuring the continuation of the species. The proponents of this argument are really hard pressed to explain, if that's the case, why infertile couples are allowed to marry. I, for one, would love to be there when the proponent of such an argument is to explain to his post-menopausal mother or impotent father that since they cannot procreate, they must now surrender their wedding rings and sleep in separate bedrooms. That would be fun to watch! Again, such an argument fails to persuade based on the kinds of marriages society does allow routinely, without even a second thought, and why it really allows them - marriage is about love, sharing and commitment; procreation is, when it comes right down to it, in reality a purely secondary function.
The proponents of the procreation and continuation-of-the-species argument are going to have a really hard time persuading me that the human species is in any real danger of dying out anytime soon through lack of reproductive success.
If ten percent of all the human race that is gay were to suddenly, totally refrain from procreation, I think it is safe to say that the world would probably be significantly better off. One of the world's most serious problems is overpopulation and the increasing anarchy and human misery that is resulting from it. Seems to me that gays would be doing the world a really big favor by not bringing more hungry mouths into a world that is already critically overburdened ecologically by the sheer number of humans it must support. So what is the useful purpose to be served in mindlessly encouraging yet more human reproduction?
Same-sex marriage would threaten the institution of marriage. Well, that one's contradictory right on the face of it. Threaten marriage? By allowing people to marry? That doesn't sound very logical to me. If you allow gay people to marry each other, you no longer encourage them to marry people to whom they feel little attraction, with whom they most often cannot relate adequately sexually, bringing innocent children into already critically stressed marriages. By allowing gay marriage, you would reduce the number of opposite-sex marriages that end up in the divorce courts. If it is the stability of the institution of heterosexual marriage that worries you, then consider that no one would require you or anyone else to participate in a gay marriage. You would still have freedom of choice, of choosing which kind of marriage to participate in -- something more than what you have now. And speaking of divorce -- to argue that the institution of marriage is worth preserving at the cost of requiring involuntary participants to remain in it is a better argument for reforming divorce laws than proscribing gay marriage.
Marriage is traditionally a heterosexual institution. This is morally the weakest argument. Slavery was also a traditional institution, based on traditions that went back to the very beginnings of human history - further back, even, than marriage as we know it. But by the 19th century, humanity had generally recognized the evils of that institution, and has since made a serious effort to abolish it. Why not recognize the truth -- that there is no moral ground on which to support the tradition of marriage as a strictly heterosexual institution, and remove the restriction?
Same-sex marriage is an untried social experiment. The American critics of same-sex marriage betray their provincialism with this argument. The fact is that a form of gay marriage has been legal in Denmark since 1989 (full marriage rights except for adoption rights and church weddings, and a proposal now exists in the Danish parliament to allow both of those rights as well), and most of the rest of Scandinavia from not long after. Full marriage rights have existed in many Dutch cities for several years, and it was recently made legal nationwide, including the word "marriage" to describe it. In other words, we have a long-running "experiment" to examine for its results -- which have uniformly been positive. Opposition to the Danish law was led by the clergy (much the same as in the States). A survey conducted at the time revealed that 72 percent of Danish clergy were opposed to the law. It was passed anyway, and the change in the attitude of the clergy there has been dramatic -- a survey conducted in 1995 indicated that 89 percent of the Danish clergy now admit that the law is a good one and has had many beneficial effects, including a reduction in suicide, a reduction in the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and in promiscuity and infidelity among gays. Far from leading to the "destruction of Western civilization" as some critics (including the Southern Baptist, Mormon and Catholic churches among others) have warned, the result of the "experiment" has actually been civilizing and strengthening, not just to the institution of marriage, but to society as a whole. So perhaps we should accept the fact that someone else has already done the "experiment" and accept the results as positive. The fact that many churches are not willing to accept this evidence says more about the churches than it does about gay marriage.
Same-sex marriage would start us down a "slippery slope" towards legalized incest, bestial marriage, polygamy and all kinds of other horrible consequences. A classic example of the reductio ad absurdum fallacy, it is calculated to create fear in the mind of anyone hearing the argument. It is, of course, absolutely without any merit based on experience. If the argument were true, wouldn't that have already happened in countries where forms of legalized gay marriage already exist? Wouldn't they have 'slid' towards legalized incest and bestial marriage? The reality is that a form of gay marriage has been legal in Scandinavian countries for over many years, and no such legalization has happened, nor has there been a clamor for it. It's a classic scare tactic - making the end scenario so scary and so horrible that the first step should never be taken. Such are the tactics of the fear and hatemongers.
If concern over the "slippery slope" were the real motive behind this argument, the advocate of this line of reasoning would be equally vocal about the fact that today, even as you read this, convicted murderers, child molesters, known pedophiles, drug pushers, pimps, black market arms dealers, etc., are quite free to marry, and are doing so. Where's the outrage? Of course there isn't any, and that lack of outrage betrays their real motives. This is an anti-gay issue and not a pro marriage issue.
Granting gays the right to marry is a "special" right. Since ninety percent of the population already have the right to marry the informed, consenting adult of their choice, and would even consider that right a fundamental, constitutionally protected right, since when does extending it to the remaining ten percent constitute a "special" right to that remaining ten percent? As Justice Kennedy observed in his opinion overturning Colorado's infamous Amendment 2 (Roemer vs. Evans), many gay and lesbian Americans are, under current law, denied civil rights protections that others either don't need or assume that everyone else along with themselves, already have. The problem with all that special rights talk is that it proceeds from that very assumption, that because of all the civil rights laws in this country that everyone is already equal, so therefore any rights gay people are being granted must therefore be special. That is most assuredly not the case, especially regarding marriage and all the legal protections that go along with it.
Sodomy should be illegal and was until very recently. Ah, the ol' sodomy law argument! Why was sodomy illegal in so many states for so long? Because conservative religionists (at whose behest those laws were enacted in the first place) historically blocked or vigorously resisted attempts to repeal them in every state, and were horrified when the U.S. Supreme Court recently overturned the ones that remained.
Indeed, those laws were very rarely enforced (though it did happen), yet there was very stiff and angry opposition to their repeal. Why? Because they were a great tool for a homophobe to use as a basis for legalized discrimination. "Why should I rent an apartment to you, an unconvicted felon?" "I can't have an admitted criminal on my staff." "You're an unconvicted felon. I want you out of my restarurant and off my property." "I don't want you around my children. You're a sex offender!" These were very real, actual arguments that were used frequently as a basis for legalized discrimination, using largely unenforced sodomy laws. So even though this particular moral crusade of the religionists using the power of the police has ended, at least for now, the sodomy laws that made them possible are still being pushed, and pushed hard. Crass politicians, including even president George W. Bush, see votes in homophobia, and continue to push for sodomy law reinstatement as a means of securing those votes. And such laws, which have thoroughly discriminatory effects by intention, will likely will be advocated for as long as politicians see votes in allowing conservative religionists to impose their morality on others, regardless of the violence this does to the intent of the Bill of Rights.
Heterosexuals would never stand for such intrusion into their private sex lives, of course, but the homophobes among them seem to see nothing wrong in using the power of the state to enforce their prejudices. State court systems, however, long ago began to see the violation of the Fourth Amendment in such laws, and nearly as many state sodomy laws were overturned as unconstitutional by state supreme courts as were repealed by state legislatures, before the recent U.S. Supreme Court in Lawrence vs. Texas decision which very pointedly overturned all that remained.
Gay marriage would mean forcing businesses to provide benefits to same-sex couples on the same basis as opposite-sex couples. While this may or may not be true (based primarily on state labor laws), the reality is that many businesses already do offer these benefits to gay couples, and for sound business reasons. And experience has shown that when they do, the effect on their costs for offering these benefits is minimal - very rarely does the cost of benefits offered to gay couples cause the business' benefits costs to rise by more than 1.5%. This trivial cost is usually far more than offset by the fact that the company is seen as being progressive for having offered these benefits - making its stock much more attractive to socially progressive mutual funds and rights-conscious pension funds and individual investors, and thus increasing upwards pressure on its price. This is why so many corporations, including most of the Fortune 500, already offer these benefits without being required to do so - it's just good business sense.
Gay marriage would force churches to marry gay couples when they have a moral objection to doing so. This argument, usually advanced by churches that oppose gay marriage, is simply not true. There is nothing in any marriage law, existing or proposed, anywhere in the United States, that does or would have the effect of requiring any church to marry any couple they do not wish to marry. Churches already can refuse any couple they wish, and for any reason that suits them, which many often do, and that would not change. Some churches continue to refuse to marry interracial couples, others interreligious couples, and a few refuse couples with large age disparities and for numerous other reasons. Gay marriage would not change any church's right to refuse to sanctify any marriage entirely as they wish - it would simply offer churches the opportunity to legally marry gay couples if they wish, as some have expressed the desire to do - the freedom of religion would actually be expanded, not contracted.
The real reasons people oppose gay marriage
So far, we've examined the reasons everyone talks about for opposing gay marriage. Now, let's examine now the real reasons, deep down inside, that people oppose it, hate it, even fear it:
Just not comfortable with the idea. The fact the people aren't comfortable with the idea stems primarily from the fact that for many years, society has promoted the idea that a marriage between members of the same sex is ludicrous, mainly because of the objections raised above. But if those objections don't make sense, neither does the idea that gay marriage is necessarily ludicrous. Societies have long recognized that allowing civil rights to certain groups may offend some, and at times, even the majority. But that is why constitutional government was established -- to ensure that powerless, unpopular minorities are still protected from the tyranny of the majority. Simple discomfort with a proposal is no reasonable basis for not allowing it - how many Southern whites were once uncomfortable with allowing blacks to ride in the front of the bus, or allowing black children to attend the same schools as their own, or drink at the same drinking fountain? Half a century ago, those ideas were just as unthinkable - yet nowadays, hardly anybody sees them as a problem, seeing the fears as nothing more than racism, pure and simple.
It offends everything religion stands for. Whose religion? Many mainstream Christian denominations, to be sure, and definitely most branches of Islam and Orthodox Judaism, but outside those, most religions are unopposed to gay marriage, and many actually favor it. When the Mormon church arrogantly claimed to represent all religions in the Baehr vs. Lewin trial in Hawaii, the principal Buddhist sect in that state made it very clear that the Mormon church didn't represent them, and made it very clear that they support the right of gay couples to marry. That particular Buddhist sect claims many more members in Hawaii than does the Mormon church. In a society that claims to offer religious freedom, the use of the power of the state to enforce private religious sensibilities is an affront to all who would claim the right to worship according to the dictates of their own conscience.
Marriage is a sacred institution. This is, of course, related to the motive above. But it is really subtly different. It's based on the assumption that the state has the responsibility to "sanctify" marriages - a fundamentally religious idea. Here we're dealing with people trying to enforce their religious doctrines on someone else, but by doing it through weakening the separation of church and state, by undermining the Bill of Rights. Not that there's anything new about this, of course. But the attempt itself runs against the grain of everything the First Amendment stands for - one does not truly have freedom of religion if one does not have the right to freedom from religion as well. It would seem to me that anyone who feels that the sanctity of their marriage is threatened by a gay couple down the street having the right to marry, is mighty insecure about their religion and their marriage anyway.
Gay sex is unnatural. This argument, often encoded in the very name of sodomy statutes ("crime against nature"), betrays a considerable ignorance of behavior in the animal kingdom. The fact is that among the approximately 1500 animal species whose behavior has been extensively studied, homosexual behavior in animals has been described in at least 450 of those species. It runs the gamut, too, ranging from occasional displays of affection to life-long pair bonding including sex and even adopting and raising orphans, going so far as the rejection by force of potential heterosexual partners, even when in heat. The reality is that it is so common that it begs an explanation, and sociobiologists have proposed a wide variety of explanations to account for it. The fact that it is so common also means that it clearly has evolutionary significance, which applies as much to humans as it does to other animal species.
Making love to another man betrays everything that is masculine. Well, I've known (and dated) plenty of very masculine gay men in my day, including champion bull-riding rodeo cowboys and a Hell's Angel biker type, who, if you suggested he is a limp-wristed fairy, would likely rip your head off and hand it to you. There was a long-honored tradition of gay relationships among the tough and macho cowboys of the Old West, and many diaries still exist detailing their loving and tender relationships out on the range, and the many sacrifices they made for each other. Plenty of masculine, respected movies stars are gay - indeed, Rock Hudson was considered the very archtype of a masculine man. Came as quite a shock to a lot of macho-men to find out he was gay! So what's wrong with all these kinds of men expressing love for each other? Why is that so horrible about it? A society that devalues love devalues that upon which civilized society itself is based - love and commitment.
The core fear here is the fear of rape and a loss of control or status as a masculine man. This is instinctual and goes right to the core of our being as primates. If you examine what happens in many animal species, especially displays of dominance in other primate species, dominance displays often have sexual overtones. When, for example, in many species of primates, a subordinate male is faced with aggression by a dominant male, the dominant male will bite the subordinate, causing him to squeal in pain, drop the food or the female and present his rump. This is an act of submission, and it is saying to the whole troupe that the subordinate is just that - subordinate.
This happens in humans just as it does in other primates. It is the cause of homosexual rape in prisons. Homosexual intercourse in prisons is not an act of sex as much as it is an expression of dominance and a means of control. Nearly all of the men who aggressively rape other men in a prison setting actually revert to (often promiscuous) heterosexual sex once they're on the outside.
So is this something straight men should fear from gay men? Well, you can relax, all you straight guys. You've nothing to worry about. The vast majority of gay men prefer sex in the same emotional setting most of you do - as a part of the expression of mutual love, affection and commitment. We're not out to rape you or force you into a subordinate position. The majority of gay men don't want sex with you because we're looking for the same thing in a sexual relationship that you look for - the love and affection of a devoted partner. Since we're not likely to get that from you, you're not desirable to us and you have nothing to fear from us. The small minority of us (and it's a very small minority - less than 3%) who do enjoy sex with straight men understand your fears and are not going to have sex with you unless it's clearly and completely understood on both sides to be on a peer-to-peer basis and your requirement for full and complete consent and need for discretion is honored.
The thought of gay sex is repulsive. Well, it will come as some surprise to a lot of heterosexuals to find out that, to a lot of gays, the thought of heterosexual sex is repulsive! But does that mean the discomfort of some gays to heterosexual couples should be a reason to deny heterosexuals the right to marry? I don't think so, even though the thought of a man kissing a woman is rather repulsive to many homosexuals! Well then, why should it work just one way? Besides, the same sexual practices that gays engage in are often engaged in by heterosexual couples anyway - prompting the ever-popular gay T-shirt: "SO-DO-MY -- SO DO MY neighbors, SO DO MY friends."
They might recruit. The fear of recruitment is baseless because it is based on a false premise - that gay people recruit straight people to become gay. We don't. We don't recruit because we know from our own experience that sexual orientation is inborn, and can't be changed. Indeed, the attempts by psychologists, counselors and religious therapy and support groups to change sexual orientation have all uniformly met with failure - the studies that have been done of these attempts at "therapeutic" intervention have never been shown to have any statistically significant results in the manner intended, and most have been shown to have emotionally damaging consequences. So the notion that someone can be changed from straight to gay is just as unlikely. Yet there remains that deep, dark fear that somehow, someone might get "recruited." And that baseless fear is often used by bigots to scare people into opposing gay rights in general, as well as gay marriage.
The core cause of this fear is the result of the fact that many homophobes, including most virulent, violent homophobes are themselves repressed sexually, often with same sex attractions. One of the recent studies done at the University of Georgia among convicted killers of gay men has shown that the overwhelmingly large percentage of them (more than 70%) exhibit sexual arousal when shown scenes of gay sex. The core fear, then, for the homophobe is that he himself might be gay, and might be forced to face that fact. The homophobia can be as internalized as it is externalized - bash the queer and you don't have to worry about being aroused by him.
The opposition to gay marriage stems ultimately from a deep-seated homophobia in American culture, borne out of religious prejudice. While many Americans do not realize that that homophobia exists to the extent that it does, it is a very real part of every gay person's life, just like racism is a very real part of every black person's life. It is there, it is pervasive, and it has far more serious consequences for American society than most Americans realize, not just for gay people, but for society in general.
Why This Is A Serious Civil Rights Issue
When gay people say that this is a civil rights issue, we are referring to matters of civil justice, which often can be quite serious - and can have life-damaging, even life-threatening consequences.
One of these is the fact that in most states, we cannot make medical decisions for our partners in an emergency. Instead, the hospitals are usually forced by state laws to go to the families who may have been estranged from us for decades, who are often hostile to us, and can and frequently do, totally ignore our wishes regarding the treatment of our partners. If a hostile family wishes to exclude us from the hospital room, they may legally do so in most states. It is even not uncommon for hostile families to make decisions based on their hostility -- with results consciously intended to be as inimical to the interests of the patient as possible! Is this fair?
Upon death, in many cases, even very carefully drawn wills and durable powers of attorney have proven to not be enough if a family wishes to challenge a will, overturn a custody decision, or exclude us from a funeral or deny us the right to visit a partner's hospital bed or grave. As survivors, estranged families can, in nearly all states, even sieze a real estate property that a gay couple may have been buying together for many years, quickly sell it at the largest possible loss, and stick the surviving partner with all the remaining mortgage obligations on a property that partner no longer owns, leaving him out on the street, penniless. There are hundreds of examples of this, even in many cases where the gay couple had been extremely careful to do everything right under current law, in a determined effort to protect their rights. Is this fair?
If our partners are arrested, we can be compelled to testify against them or provide evidence against them, which legally married couples are not forced to do. In court cases, a partner's testimony can be simply ruled irrelevant as heresay by a hostile judge, having no more weight in law than the testimony of a complete stranger. If a partner is jailed or imprisoned, visitation rights by the partner can, in most cases, can be denied on the whim of a hostile family and the cooperation of a homophobic judge, unrestrained by any law or precedent. Conjugal visits, a well-established right of heterosexual married couples in some settings, are simply not available to gay couples. Is this fair?
These are far from being just theoretical issues; they happen with surprising frequency. Almost any older gay couple can tell you numerous horror stories of friends and acquaintences who have been victimized in such ways. One couple I know uses the following line in the "sig" lines on their email: "...partners and lovers for 40 years, yet still strangers before the law." Why, as a supposedly advanced society, should we continue to tolerate this kind of injustice?
These are all civil rights issues that have nothing whatsoever to do with the ecclesiastical origins of marriage; they are matters that have become enshrined in state laws by legislation or court precedent over the years in many ways that exclude us from the rights that legally married couples enjoy and even consider their constitutional right. This is why we say it is very much a serious civil rights issue; it has nothing to do with who performs the ceremony, whether it is performed in a church or courthouse or the local country club, or whether an announcement about it is accepted for publication in the local newspaper.
Why Does Conservative Politics Find Gay Marriage So Deeply Threatening?
As George Lakoff, in his excellent book, "Moral Politics" points out, conservatism is based on a "strict father" metaphor of morality, in which a wise father (church or political leader) sets the rules, and the children (the people) are disciplined to comply, thereby gaining self discipline, and with it, autonomy and self-sufficiency. For a complete understanding of this metaphor, which is beyond the scope of this essay, I would refer readers to Lakoff's book, but inclusive in that metaphor is a set of moral boundaries established by the "strict father," who is, in this case, the moral authorities of the church and the political system working in concert. These moral boundaries exist in society, in the conservative's view, not just to keep people on the straight and narrow path to autonomy and self sufficiency, but primarily to maintain social order and discipline, and that is their primary purpose. Compliance to the established moral boundaries implies acceptance of the legitimacy of the moral authority figures who established them, and it is this acceptance of the legitimacy of this moral authority that is viewed as the very basis of social order. Hence there is a deep investment in the legitimacy of the moral authority, often presumed to be none other than God himself.
Therefore, someone who moves off the sanctioned paths is doing something much more than just acting immorally; he is rejecting the goals of the society in which he lives; he is calling into question the purposes that govern most peoples' lives, but he is also doing something even much more threatening: By deviating from the standard, ordained "path," he is showing people that other paths are possible, and that those other paths may not neccessarily be unsafe to tread upon, nor is society harmed by his actions.
By so doing, he calls into question the legitimacy of the moral boundaries he has violated, and hence, the competence and legitimacy of the moral authorities who established them. Since moral boundaries are the very essence of conservative politics, the very basis of conservatism itself is brought under implied threat.
As serious as that is, the threat goes beyond even that: When the "deviant" treads his forbidden path, and not only gets away with it, but ends up living a happy, fulfilled and contented life with no harm done to himself or society, the conservative himself feels cheated, in having observed a set of boundaries which have proven to be unneccessary and arbitrary. And in doing so, he feels cheated of his own freedom of action, even if he had not himself bumped up against those particular boundaries. The conservative thereby feels he is being implicitly invited to abandon those moral boundaries and join the "deviant" in accepting increased freedom by rejecting moral authority. Fear that others may reject these apparently arbitrary moral boundaries, and hence question those who decreed them, and cause society to fall apart, is the reason for the conservatives' deep paranoia about the mythical "gay recruiting" and the equally mythical "gay agenda." Hence, conservatives have a deep emotional investment in keeping gays repressed through the maintenance of this particular set of moral boundaries, just as they did in maintaining their moral boundaries underlying racial segregation in the Deep South a generation ago and slavery a century before that.
How then should conservatism, as a political movement and a way of life, come to grips with the reality of gay marriage? In precisely the same way that it has come to grips with its errors with regards to racial segregation: own up to its mistake, and simply expand its moral boundaries to include gays and gay marriage. Just as most older conservatives now acknowledge that they once erred in "keeping blacks in their place," they should make the same acknowledgement for gays and their right to marry, and live happy, open and contented lives in each other's arms, without fear or discrimination - that gays are just as entitled to the equal protection of the law as anyone else, and the 14th Amendment to the U.S. constitution means what it says and applies to gays as well. No "slippery slopes," no "slouching towards Gomorrah", no "end of civilization as we know it"; just freedom, liberty and justice for all.
About The Author:
The author, Scott Bidstrup, is a free-lance writer and political activist who has been active in human rights issues and in the gay rights movement, specializing in youth and marriage rights issues, since coming out as a gay man in 1994. He has a Bachelor of Arts in Communications, with a concentration in broadcasting from Brigham Young University (1971) and is a retired microwave communications and satellite earth station transmission engineer. He was born in the United States, but has lived in Nigeria and is currently living in exile in Costa Rica. He maintains no political, professional or other affiliations or sponsorships, and carefully maintains strict editorial independence in the editing and maintenance of this web site.
His essays on this web site, including this essay, have been frequently reprinted in magazines and in book form in essay anthologies, and this particular essay, the most widely reprinted, is often used in formal logic and critical thinking classes, both at high-school and college level, as a study text. The web site which the author maintains of which this essay is a part is one of the oldest and most popular personal opinion web sites on the Internet. It "went live" in early 1995, and over the years since it has become quite popular among gay youth and their parents, as well as intellectual and political readers of the web; the site currently gets about 150,000 page-reads per month in total.
Labels: Gay Marriage: The Arguments and the Motives
19
mar
2008
3 Strategies to Revive Your Sex Life
Author: Vik G.
There’s no getting around it; sex is a vital part of most marriages. So what happens when one or more parties lose interest — or never had it to begin with? Research says these unions are more likely to fail. (After money, sex is the number one reason couples divorce.) But it doesn’t have to get that far. There three strategies for improving your sex life and preserving your relationship.
The Do-It-Yourself Solution
No matter how much your spouse loves you or wants to please you, s/he might never have the same sex drive as you. Therefore, it’s unreasonable for you to expect your spouse to be at your beck and call every time you feel sexual. You need to take responsibility for satisfying your own needs from time to time. In all likelihood, you are already doing this, and you don’t need me to tell you to do it. However, you might be feeling resentful about it, and that’s not fair. Although it is my hope that your spouse will invest more energy into your sexual relationship, there will still be times when you’re ready to roll and s/he isn’t. That’s normal, and you need to accept it. As long as your spouse is making more of an effort to understand and care for you and your needs, you need to work harder at accepting your differences. And part of this acceptance entails taking care of yourself occasionally and feeling fine about it. This will be easier for you to do once you truly feel your spouse cares about you and your feelings. And hopefully, if that isn’t happening already, it will, very soon.
Variety Is the Spice of Life
Perhaps your sex life has become routine. Boredom is an industrial-strength sexual desire dampener. Even the most highly sexed person can begin to feel ho-hum about sex if it’s always the same old thing. If this rings true of your sexual relationship, it might be time for you to try to spice things up a bit. You need to be creative to avoid sexual boredom. Try a new location, rent a hotel room, experiment with new positions, buy new lingerie, rent a sexy video, try a hot bath, candles and a massage. Cast your inhibitions to the wind.
one lady complained that she was losing desire because she was having trouble feeling aroused. It took her considerably longer to have an orgasm, and when she did, it wasn’t as strong as orgasms had been in the past. She found herself feeling more and more disinterested each time her husband approached her. She wondered if it was because of her age — she was fifty-two — and whether she should consider taking hormone supplements.
She was menopausal, and it was entirely possible that biological causes were at the root of her sexual difficulties and lack of desire. However, I also wondered about the quality of her sexual relationship with her husband. She confessed to feeling bored. Their lovemaking had become routine and unexciting. Because her mind would drift during their sexual encounters, she found it challenging to maintain feelings of arousal.
suggestion that she talk to her husband about her feelings and for them to plan ways to introduce some novelty into their time together. She discussed what had turned her on in the past — dressing up, varied positions and locations in their home — and agreed to start doing that again. When she returned that following week, she reported that she had no problems with arousal. She had several strong orgasms, just like in the good old days. Apparently, getting out of their sexual rut was just what the doctor ordered.
If All Else Fails, Be Brutally Honest
countless couples where one spouse was so dissatisfied with their sexual relationship that eventually s/he decided to have an affair or leave the marriage. You might be thinking of these alternatives too. Affairs and divorce are lousy solutions. Even if an affair satisfies you temporarily (and it might; newness is a great aphrodisiac), it will only create more problems in the long run. Although an affair can serve as a wake-up call to the low-desire spouse, you can’t always count on this. Affairs can also destroy your marriage. And even if your marriage survives, the pain an affair causes is immeasurable.
Divorce isn’t a good solution either. It destroys families forever. Plus, if you run from your problems rather than work them out, you might find a more sexually compatible spouse, but since no relationship is problem free, you’ll find yourself with a new set of problems in no time flat. The grass truly isn’t greener on the other side, even if the other side is more sexually attractive.
However, as the more highly sexed person, you might be at the end of your rope. You might be fantasizing about someone else or about packing your bags and leaving. Before you decide to have an affair or leave, make sure your spouse knows in no uncertain terms the seriousness of the situation. Make certain s/he understands what will happen if nothing changes. Don’t threaten in the heat of an argument. Don’t say nasty things. Don’t blame. Don’t criticize. Just tell your spouse calmly (or write a letter) that because of the differences in your sexual appetite, you are so unhappy that you are considering doing something you really don’t want to do. Spell out what you’ve been thinking about. Tell your spouse that this is not a threat, but that you are so desperate, you don’t know what else to do. Ask your partner one more time to seek help. Then wait and see what happens.
Labels: 3 Strategies to Revive Your Sex Life
