Does your marriage need a "turn around"...a "breakthrough"?
Does your marriage need a "turn around"...a "breakthrough"?There are some very simple things YOU can do (not your spouse...you). Why do I say it that way? Because the beautiful thing about relationships is...you can only change what you do, but what you do can be enough to help your spouse change.
That is a very powerful concept when you think about it. All psychologists worth their salt, will agree with a very sound principal. That you can not make someone change. Matter of fact, if you try to make someone change, it will probably make things worse. You can not change your husband or your wife. It is up to you to change you and it is up to them to change them...period.
Here are 3 things you can do to help your marriage change for the better:
1. Be a better listener. This is huge. Most of the time when we are in a "discussion" that is a little heated, we really don't listen to what our spouse is saying. Most of the time, we are just waiting for a break so that we can voice our opinion, or tell our side of the story. Listening is an art. And if you will practice getting better at it, your marriage will improve greatly.
Try this the next time you are in a conversation, discussion, argument, etc. Make a personal commitment to NOT defend yourself, not tell your side of the story (unless asked), but let your focus be on "hearing them, with the intent to understand their side of the story...sincerely". Try to put yourself in their position and see if you have a better understanding of their point of view.
2. Take it a step further. While listening to them tell how they feel, dig deeper by asking questions. Ask them to tell you more. Why do they feel that way? What did you do or say that made them feel that way? Forgot about telling your side of the story and making excuses. Sincerely try to understand their feelings. Now, this is much easier said than done, because in the heat of the moment, it can be very difficult to not give in to your normal tendency to fight back, but I am telling you that if you will try this, and sincerely make an effort to understand their side of the story, it will strengthen your relationship.
This is not easy. Let me say it again...this is not easy. But it is very simple. Do you understand the difference? And if you can do it, it applies breakthrough power to your relationship. Guaranteed! It is not the profound, psychological principals that are going to heal a sick marriage. No, it is the simple principals of patience, tolerance, love and forgiveness that bring life changing power into your marriage. And it starts with you being willing to make a sincere effort to "understand" instead of fighting to be "understood".
3. All communication should be geared toward being constructive. Never ridicule and criticize your spouse. If your husband or wife has an area they need to get better in, they probably already know it...or at least, if you just work on you getting better, they will eventually begin to recognize where they need to improve also.
Whenever you say mean, hurtful things to your spouse, you are planting seeds of discord that may take weeks, months, years or in some cases may never be forgotten. You are the person that they are closest to in the whole world. In spite of the fact that you may not be getting along, you are the most intimate with them of anyone in their life. When you say things to them that hurt them and tear them down, it does more damage than any other words spoken to them by any other person.
The old saying that your mother used to tell you as a child "..if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all", is more important than most people think. Now I'm not saying there should be no constructive criticism in a marriage. But that is something that takes place at times when there is an absence of conflict. In the heat of battle is no place for harsh words. They can leave a lasting scar that may never go away.
Labels: conflict resolution in marriage
0 comment(s):
Post a comment
<< Home