Resolving Conflict in Marriage

Resolving Conflict in Marriage
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

May 29, 2008

Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.

If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.

Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.

What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage

Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.

The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.

Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives

UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.

To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.

Resolving Conflict in Marriage

"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"

To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).

“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

May 29, 2008

Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.

If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.

Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.

What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage

Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.

The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.

Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives

UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.

To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.

Resolving Conflict in Marriage

"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"

To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).

“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”

Labels: marriage conflict

posted by Robert Heard at 8:08 AM