Resolving Conflict in Marriage
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
May 29, 2008
Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.
If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.
Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.
What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage
Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.
The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.
Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives
UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.
To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"
To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).
“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
May 29, 2008
Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.
If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.
Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.
What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage
Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.
The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.
Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives
UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.
To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"
To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).
“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
Labels: marriage conflict
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How To Fight Fair in Your Marriage - - Conflict Management in Marriage
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
See More About:conflict issuesdifficult conversationsnegativitymarriage stresscommunication in marriage
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All married couples have arguments, or rather fights. How you fight is the key to whether or not you will have a successful, long term marriage.
Fighting fairly in your marriage is a critical skill that you must learn.
The way you fight can often tell psychologists more than what you fight about. If done correctly, conflict and healthy, fair fighting, can strengthen your marriage.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: No More than 15 minutes -- at that point call a truce and set a time to discuss the issue again
Here's How:
Don't let little things that bother you build up until one of you explodes the issue into a large fight. That's not fighting fair in your marriage.
If you are angry about something and don't try to talk about it with your spouse within 48 hours, let it go. Otherwise, you are not fighting fair.
If your spouse doesn't want to discuss the matter, set an appointment within the next 24 hours to have your fair fight.
Fighting fair means you know what the issue is. Then, both of you stick to the subject.
Keep your fight between the two of you. Don't bring in third parties like your mother-in-law, his best friend, or your children.
Fighting fair means you don't hit below the belt.
Fighting fair means you don't bring up past history.
Fighting fair means no name calling. Even endearing terms and pet names can be hurtful when you are using a sarcastic tone.
Be careful how you use humor. Laughter is good, but teasing can be misinterpreted and can be hurtful.
Listen to one another fully while you fight. This includes watching body language. Look at one another while you speak.
Don't interrupt during your fight.
Fighting fair means you don't blame one another make accusations.
Try to use 'I' sentences instead of 'you' sentences.
If the two of you are not extremely angry, try to hold hands while talking during your fight.
Be open to asking for forgiveness and being willing to forgive.
Tips:
Even though it may be hard to forgive your spouse, not forgiving can cause more harm both emotionally and physically to yourself and to your marriage. Holding a grudge is letting someone else live in your head rent free.
Remember to not fight to win, but to fight for your relationship.
Conflict is not the problem. All married couples have disagreements. It's not knowing how to effectively argue that creates difficulty in a marriage.
Don't use the words "never" and "always" in your statements to one another.
Do not yell. Do not scream. Do not talk in a threatening tone.
Labels: marriage conflict
Handling Conflict in Marriage
Disagreements and arguments crop up in even the best marriages. It's how conflict is handled that is an important key to marital success or failure.
Current research confirms that poorly handled conflict between married couples can negatively influence mental, physical, and family health. Feelings of anger, bitterness, and unhappiness - sometimes leading to separation and divorce - often result.
But couples need not settle for these experiences. Partners can realize, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God" (¶ 1) and that successful and happy marriages "are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Such principles, coupled with an understanding of what conflict is, how to recognize it, and how best to manage it, can help spouses use marriage challenges to build rather than harm their relationship.
When people hear the word conflict, they often picture something very negative, such as fighting, arguing, bitterness, and anger. However, current research suggests that conflict by nature isn't negative at all. It is fundamentally the experience of difference between married couples.
For example, magnets work according to opposite forces. One side is positive, the other negative. In this instance, the terms "positive" and "negative" are not synonymous with "good" and "bad." They merely identify two different - but complementary - forces. In the same way, couples benefit when they learn to understand conflict as fundamentally difference. Just because couples experience conflict doesn't mean they don't love each other. Dealing with differences in opinions, goals, interests, desires, and so on, is a normal part of any marriage relationship. What matters is how couples handle these differences. In a successful relationship, couples work together to deal with their differences rather than walking away and seeking "greener pastures."
One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to learn to handle conflicts and disagreements constructively. Here are some ideas for helping you to do just that:
Check for Destructive Interaction Patterns. According to marriage and family professionals, there are many interaction patterns that can harm a marriage and make dealing with differences and disagreements very difficult. Look over the following list and ask yourself how often they occur when you are having a disagreement. Make your evaluation alone, and then share your notes with your spouse. Resolve together to eliminate that pattern from your relationship.
Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)
Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)
Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)
Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)
Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)
Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)
Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)
Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)
Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)
The Body's Language (Overwhelming physical responses to "stress-full" interaction such as increased heart rate, tremors, anxiety, etc.)
Failed Repair Attempts (Missed attempts to put the brakes on or "head-off" harmful communication)
Bad Memories (Looking back on the relationship and seeing the "good gone bad" or good simply gone)
Hold Regular Couple Councils. Few couples regularly talk about relationship concerns, so what begin as small issues become larger problems that threaten to destroy a relationship. Couples can use councils to nip problems in the bud. Here's how.
First, plan a specific time and place each week when you and your spouse can talk alone together for at least 30-60 minutes without distractions or interruptions. No TV. No telephone. No kids. For one couple, the time that works best is 8:30 on Sunday evenings, after their children have gone to bed (or at least have gone to their rooms for the night!). Another time may be better for you. Carving out immutable time for the upkeep of your relationship is a tangible way to give your marriage high priority. Use the meeting to take stock of how the relationship is going and to discuss problems.
Discuss a Problem Fully Before Trying To Solve It. When focusing on a problem, couples should first have a full and open discussion about it and understand one another's point of view before trying to solve a problem.
During this time, define together what the problem is, your own part in the problem, and how earlier attempts at dealing with it have proved unsuccessful. Use "I-statements" to express concerns ("I was upset when you forgot our date last week") and make two or three statements before the listener paraphrases what they heard. When listening, focus on the speaker's message and paraphrase what you heard the speaker saying, without rebuttal ("It upset you that I spaced out our date"). Make sure you are both satisfied that you have been heard and understood.
Move On To Solving the Problem, If Necessary. Experts say that about seventy percent of couple issues don't need to be solved, just well discussed. You may find that simply airing a concern is all you need to do. But if your problem needs solving, here is an approach to follow:
Set the agenda. Identify the problem or portion of the problem that needs to be solved
Brainstorm. Think of as many strategies as you can (say, ten) for solving the problem. Write them down so you can review them together.
Discuss and evaluate. Look over the strategies and discuss the pros and cons of each one.
Choose a strategy. Select one of the strategies to try out, one you both feel good about.
Agreement. Agree on what each of you will do to help carry out the solution.
Follow-up. Set a time to follow up on how things are going.
One couple decided they wanted to find a way to boost the family income. During brainstorming, they listed as many ideas as they could to address this need, from one or both partners getting a part-time job, to taking a budgeting class. They discussed and evaluated these possible solutions. They decided that one of them would get a part-time job and selected a date during a couple council to discuss how the solution was going.
When couples use techniques such as these, combined with a deep desire to love and nurture their partner, they are less likely to fall into destructive communication patterns that harm marriages. Important issues get discussed.
For more information on dealing with conflict in marriage, check out Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman.
Labels: marriage conflict
marriage: secrets of positive marriage conflict
written by: juande romino; article published: year 2007, month 01;
The Gottman research tells us how. Here is the secret: Start and end any 'issue' discussion on a positive note. When you do that, you have positive marriage conflict.
You only fight about resolvable issues. You achieve positive marriage conflict by eliminating irresolvable issues, and only fighting about resolvable ones. When you begin an 'issue' discussion on a positive and respectful note, you can hardly call it a 'fight.' It's a discussion between people who love each other. You listen to each other. You look for compromises. You look for winwin solutions to the issue.
You can't imagine the difference it makes when those unresolvable issues generate humor and grace, rather than anger, frustration, and hurtful accusations. Then the resolvable issues can be resolved. There is no bitterness, anger or vengeance.
begin issue discussions positively
To achieve positive marriage conflict, Dan and Susan agreed to begin all issue discussions positively, and even agreed on a "script" to use. When one of them had an issue to discuss, he or she would say, "Sweetheart, I want to have a few minutes of your time to discuss __________. I want us both to be in a positive and loving mood. Would you like to do it now, or wait until you feel more receptive?"
The important parts are:
1. "I want to have a discussion about (some resolvable issue)."
2. "We'll have a better outcome if both of us are in a positive and loving mood."
3. "I feel ready now, do you? If not, when can we schedule it?" If you and your partner are working together on creating a happy marriage that lasts, you can work out a process that works for both of you, to achieve positive marriage conflict.
use positives and avoid negatives during the discussion
This is the hard part for lots of people. It's difficult for anyone to accept anything that feels like criticism, and even if you use "I" messages instead of "You" messages, some people only hear implied criticism.
For example:
"I'm feeling frustrated because the garbage wasn't put out for pick up, and now we'll have to wait until next week's pickup and the can is full. What can we do together to assure the garbage always gets put out on schedule?"
That's a whole lot better than using "You" messages: "You forgot to put the garbage out again. You said you would take care of the garbage, and you haven't." The "You" messages tend to be more accusatory, and more like criticism. It's hard not to go on the defensive, and get angry. (Side Note: I've spent many years trying to find ways to teach "Active Listening" to adults, and few of them really learned to use Active Listening effectively. Also, I'm no longer sure it works, even if used effectively. The studies show decidedly mixed results. Still, the "I" messages are a lot less likely to give rise to anger and defensiveness than "You" messages.) I now believe the positive start, the effort to be positive, and an "abort" agreement is the safest process for everyone.
what's an "abort" agreement?
If either person feels angry feelings rising, or their heartbeat races, or they feel upset, or hurt, or unloving or negative, they can ask to abort the discussion for 30 minutes or longer, and use some calming technique that will bring them back down to a calm and positive mode. With couples working together, each will understand what is happening, and how the Abort is really a loving attempt to avoid any transactions that may be damaging to the relationship.
end issue discussions positively
To assure positive marriage conflict discussions, it's helpful to learn and practice some good positive endings.
Examples: "Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me on this issue." "I'm happy that we could find a win-win solution to the issue." "I love you and I appreciate your being willing to work through these discussions in a positive and loving way."
alternatives for item 2
"We didn't find a solution that will work for both of us yet, but I think we will find one eventually."
"We made a lot of progress, and each of us is willing to make concessions. We'll get back to it again."
what do you do if you or your partner just can't do it?
One couple found they were not able to do it. They tried again and again, but always ended up feeling angry or having some other bad feeling. Finally, they decided to hold 'issue' discussions by email. Whenever one of them wanted to start an issue discussion that might lead to a fight, he or she would go to the computer and compose an email to the other. They agreed that the person who wanted the discussion would start the email with something loving, warm, and respectful, such as:
"Dearest Sweetbuns. Love of my life, friend and co-parent of two lovely children: I have a request to make of you. Please, next Tuesday, think of something you can do to remind yourself to take the garbage out. The can is full, and we must now wait a week until the next pickup. If there is anything I can do to help you remember — without seeming to nag — I'd be happy to do it. Just ask. I appreciate so much that you've agreed to handle the garbage, and everything else you do to make our lives and marriage happier. You're a joy to be married to."
Every email would start in a positive and respectful place, and end with appreciation and a loving note.
Both of them reported that the act of typing a positive, loving beginning seemed to make their anger, hurt, or other bad feeling disappear. The fellow said he even got a laugh out of writing outrageously "over the top" sentiments at the beginning and end, and he could never stay angry about whatever the issue was.
Using email may seem like an extreme step, but both people felt it made "a world of difference" in how they felt about each other. They had found a way to completely stop potentially dangerous fighting. They proved that you really can achieve positive marriage conflict discussions, even if you can't talk face to face, without fighting
Labels: marriage conflict
Family Life
The Marriage Garden
Dealing with Conflict in Marriage
All marriages - even the very best of marriages - have conflict. That is a normal part of having two people work out a life together. But there are good ways to work out differences - and there are bad ways.
Learn to live with things that cannot change. You may wish that your partner was different in many ways. Some of those things simply cannot change. Learn to accept that. Be glad that you can bring to your partnership some qualities that your partner does not have. Be glad that your partner can bring qualities that you do not have.
Start a relationship discussion at a time when you want to strengthen your relationship. If you are feeling angry or tired and want to correct or hurt your partner, it is not a good time to start a discussion. If your partner is tired or frustrated, save the discussion until later.
Many relationship discussions get started late at night when both partners are tired. We shouldn't let our tiredness be our message. Save the discussion until you are rested.
Do not dwell on your complaints. Sometimes we feel irritated about things in our relationship. We list our complaints and stew about them. By the time we bring up our problem we may have talked ourselves into being mad. Rather than make big complaints, we can make requests along the way.
Make requests. There are some statements that do NOT motivate change: "You never help me. You don't seem to notice anyone's needs but your own." There are more inviting statements: "I'm very stressed right now. I wonder if you could help me by getting dinner, helping me cleanup the house, or helping the children with homework."
Rather than argue about details, find common ground. In any disagreement it is easy to get stuck arguing about who did what and why. Don't waste your time dealing with such issues. Instead, focus on ways you can help each other.
When people feel attacked and angry, they do not think as clearly as when they are calm. We can do things to help ourselves and our partners feel more calm. We can start discussions without attack: "I would like your ideas on an issue." We can look for solutions rather than accusations: "Do you think it would help if . . . ?" If we are feeling too frustrated, we may need to reschedule our discussions: "I need some time to think about what you are saying. Could we talk about this tomorrow?"
Confrontation is not a very good change agent. John Gottman has observed that the only way to get people to change is by accepting them as they are. Conflict will happen, but love makes the difference.
Even marriages that seem unhappy often become very satisfying over time if both partners prevent anger and resentment from taking over. In fact, differences in marriage can help us grow and help us build a better relationship.
Applications:
Most couples argue about the same things year after year. They make no progress in solving certain problems and may even get more entrenched. Think of any problems or issues that have recurred in your relationship.
Which of them are un-resolvable?
Which of the resolvable differences can you simply choose to accept?
Which of the resolvable differences can you act to minimize or manage?
What tools will you use to help you deal with resolvable differences? Humor? Patience? Distraction?
Which of your problems can be resolved by working together? Have you found ways in the past to have a better relationship as a result of your discussions? What makes your discussions better? When you have a disagreement, look for an opportunity to make your relationship stronger. (For example, "If we had a few minutes every week to have fun together, I think it would bring us closer.")
What is your reaction to disagreements with your partner? Is it possible to think about disagreements in a more positive way? (For example, "We both have strong personalities and sometimes we will clash. But we still love each other.")
Are you actively doing things to enlarge and strengthen the base of your relationship? Do you spend time together doing fun things? Do you take an interest in your partner's activities?
John Gottman has written an excellent book on marriage that includes a chapter on conflict called, "Solve your solvable problems." The book is called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. If you want additional ideas to help you work through differences with your partner, this book can provide practical ideas.
Labels: marriage conflict
Handling Conflict in Marriage
Disagreements and arguments crop up in even the best marriages. It's how conflict is handled that is an important key to marital success or failure.
Current research confirms that poorly handled conflict between married couples can negatively influence mental, physical, and family health. Feelings of anger, bitterness, and unhappiness - sometimes leading to separation and divorce - often result.
But couples need not settle for these experiences. Partners can realize, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God" (¶ 1) and that successful and happy marriages "are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Such principles, coupled with an understanding of what conflict is, how to recognize it, and how best to manage it, can help spouses use marriage challenges to build rather than harm their relationship.
When people hear the word conflict, they often picture something very negative, such as fighting, arguing, bitterness, and anger. However, current research suggests that conflict by nature isn't negative at all. It is fundamentally the experience of difference between married couples.
For example, magnets work according to opposite forces. One side is positive, the other negative. In this instance, the terms "positive" and "negative" are not synonymous with "good" and "bad." They merely identify two different - but complementary - forces. In the same way, couples benefit when they learn to understand conflict as fundamentally difference. Just because couples experience conflict doesn't mean they don't love each other. Dealing with differences in opinions, goals, interests, desires, and so on, is a normal part of any marriage relationship. What matters is how couples handle these differences. In a successful relationship, couples work together to deal with their differences rather than walking away and seeking "greener pastures."
One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to learn to handle conflicts and disagreements constructively. Here are some ideas for helping you to do just that:
Check for Destructive Interaction Patterns. According to marriage and family professionals, there are many interaction patterns that can harm a marriage and make dealing with differences and disagreements very difficult. Look over the following list and ask yourself how often they occur when you are having a disagreement. Make your evaluation alone, and then share your notes with your spouse. Resolve together to eliminate that pattern from your relationship.
Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)
Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)
Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)
Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)
Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)
Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)
Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)
Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)
Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)
The Body's Language (Overwhelming physical responses to "stress-full" interaction such as increased heart rate, tremors, anxiety, etc.)
Failed Repair Attempts (Missed attempts to put the brakes on or "head-off" harmful communication)
Bad Memories (Looking back on the relationship and seeing the "good gone bad" or good simply gone)
Hold Regular Couple Councils. Few couples regularly talk about relationship concerns, so what begin as small issues become larger problems that threaten to destroy a relationship. Couples can use councils to nip problems in the bud. Here's how.
First, plan a specific time and place each week when you and your spouse can talk alone together for at least 30-60 minutes without distractions or interruptions. No TV. No telephone. No kids. For one couple, the time that works best is 8:30 on Sunday evenings, after their children have gone to bed (or at least have gone to their rooms for the night!). Another time may be better for you. Carving out immutable time for the upkeep of your relationship is a tangible way to give your marriage high priority. Use the meeting to take stock of how the relationship is going and to discuss problems.
Discuss a Problem Fully Before Trying To Solve It. When focusing on a problem, couples should first have a full and open discussion about it and understand one another's point of view before trying to solve a problem.
During this time, define together what the problem is, your own part in the problem, and how earlier attempts at dealing with it have proved unsuccessful. Use "I-statements" to express concerns ("I was upset when you forgot our date last week") and make two or three statements before the listener paraphrases what they heard. When listening, focus on the speaker's message and paraphrase what you heard the speaker saying, without rebuttal ("It upset you that I spaced out our date"). Make sure you are both satisfied that you have been heard and understood.
Move On To Solving the Problem, If Necessary. Experts say that about seventy percent of couple issues don't need to be solved, just well discussed. You may find that simply airing a concern is all you need to do. But if your problem needs solving, here is an approach to follow:
Set the agenda. Identify the problem or portion of the problem that needs to be solved
Brainstorm. Think of as many strategies as you can (say, ten) for solving the problem. Write them down so you can review them together.
Discuss and evaluate. Look over the strategies and discuss the pros and cons of each one.
Choose a strategy. Select one of the strategies to try out, one you both feel good about.
Agreement. Agree on what each of you will do to help carry out the solution.
Follow-up. Set a time to follow up on how things are going.
One couple decided they wanted to find a way to boost the family income. During brainstorming, they listed as many ideas as they could to address this need, from one or both partners getting a part-time job, to taking a budgeting class. They discussed and evaluated these possible solutions. They decided that one of them would get a part-time job and selected a date during a couple council to discuss how the solution was going.
When couples use techniques such as these, combined with a deep desire to love and nurture their partner, they are less likely to fall into destructive communication patterns that harm marriages. Important issues get discussed.
For more information on dealing with conflict in marriage, check out Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg, and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman.
Written by Trampas J. Rowden, Graduate Assistant, and edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.
Labels: marriage conflict
Happy Couples Fight
Don't Avoid Conflict
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
Every married couple will have disagreements. One of the keys to a successful relationship is knowing how to handle conflict. Avoiding conflict, walking on egg shells so to speak, being afraid of rocking the boat, or keeping peace at any price will hurt your marriage.
How to Handle Conflict in Your Marriage
Here are some ways to handle marital disputes and resolve differences:
Make sure you clarify what it is you are discussing.
If either of you are too angry to discuss the situation or problem, then set a time to get together later to discuss it.
Be flexible and open to other solutions than your own. A willingness to compromise is important.
Don't push one another's buttons. Don't be sarcastic or attack one another's self image.
Don't interrupt one another. Listen. Be aware of your own body language and what it may be saying.
Talk in a calm, respectful voice. Ranting and raving accomplishes nothing.
Remember that a fair argument can enhance a marriage. Fight for your marriage, not to win.
Labels: marriage conflict
A List of Do's and Don'ts for Any Woman Trying to Save Her Marriage
You discover that your husband is "interested" in another woman. Is there any possibility of your marriage continuing? Absolutely.
Don't blame yourself or let others blame you for choices that your husband is making.
Recognize that you can't change your husband. So don't try to reform him. Don't nag or scream. (That's not going to make you any more attractive to him. He will just use it to point the blame to you.)
There can be no growth in your relationship as long as there is doubt as to your marriage. Make your commitment!
Live one day at a time.
Don't be bitter against anyone in the situation. Bitterness is something that destroys you; it does not destroy the person you are bitter towards. Never turn your children against their father. Forgive!
Don't ask family or friends to take sides against your spouse.
Discuss your intimate marriage problems with only a very select few. Don't give fuel to gossip.
Strength and food for each day.
Spend your time with people who will encourage you in spiritual growth.
Do not overcompensate with your children. They need your love and stability while their father is gone, but they still need discipline. Don't make them your confidants and friends. Be their parent.
Remember that the most innocent thing you say will get twisted. Avoid loose talk and do not listen to tale bearing.
If your husband left for another woman and then returns, don't expect your husband to change overnight.
The hardest time may be when you are reconciled and you have a tendency to fall back into old habit patterns. Don't do it!
Labels: marriage conflict
13 Ground Rules for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
March 19, 2008 by theanniversaryshop
Conflict in any close, loving relationship is inevitable. Fighting at a level that will wake the neighbors is not. Follow these guidelines to help you truly resolve conflict, not just battle it out.
Set aside time to discuss the issue with your spouse. “Discussions” in the heat of the moment tend to escalate quickly. Ask your spouse to set aside time to discuss the issue when you and your spouse are both calm.
Look at each other. Body language speaks volumes in any conversation, but even more so in conflict resolution. Do not try to work on a project while you are talking. Sit down together and look at each other throughout the conversation.
Keep distractions at bay. If possible, talk after the kids are in bed or when you are out together without anyone else around. Vow to make your time together a priority by resisting answering the phone, watching TV, working on the computer, or anything else that diverts attention from your spouse. Give your mate and the problem at hand your full attention.
Keep the main thing the main thing. If you are supposed to be talking about how you felt when you were left alone at the party, keep the conversation focused on that. Do not bring up last year’s Christmas gift or the fact that the dog was left outside last night. Focus on the main thing and see it through to a resolution.
As you keep the main thing the main thing, also remain in the present situation. Maybe this has happened before, maybe many times before. Resist the urge to bring up all the times in the past when the same situation has occurred. Even in a court of law, only certain references to past behavior are allowed. Stay focused and stay in the present.
Focus on the issue at hand, not your spouse’s character. Attacking your spouse in a way that is belittling or critical of his or her character is not acceptable. Remember that your goal is to resolve the conflict, not annihilate your spouse in the process.
Maintain respect throughout. It is easy to be flip or uncaring if your spouse responds in an unexpected way or starts to get defensive. Resist the urge to sink to sarcasm or hurtful words when the conversation gets hard.
Resist the temptation to generalize. Avoid using such inflammatory statements as “you always” or “you never.” Chances are good that these terms do not really apply. It may seem like they do, but does your spouse “always” or “never” do what he or she is being accused of? Probably not. This is a sure sign that the conversation is declining quickly and will certainly get a rise out of your spouse.
If your spouse is attempting to tell his or her side of the story, do your best to understand his or her point of view. It is possible that you misunderstood your mate’s actions or he or she didn’t know it was a problem. Seek to understand what his or her thoughts and feelings are.
Let your spouse speak without interruption. Even if you are the one who feels wronged by your spouse, do not monopolize the conversation. Resist the urge to speak your mind then shut down. Be respectful and do not interrupt. Men especially will start to shut down verbally and emotionally if they feel disrespected by interruptions.
Take a break if the conversation gets loud or emotions are escalating. Do not drop the conversation completely, but there are times when it is best to revisit the issue at a later date when cooler heads prevail. Leave the conversation on a positive note and set a time to come back together to talk.
Remember that your perception of the situation could be wrong. Maybe you were left alone at the party while your spouse spent most of the evening talking with someone else. Could it be that this person is a business contact offering future work to your spouse or a friend in crisis who needed someone to talk to? Could it be that your mate’s actions were not a malicious attempt to hurt you even though you felt hurt?
If you seem to be at an impasse, ask yourselves, “How can we get past this?” There are some conflicts that will not be resolved completely at one sitting, and some that will never be fully agreed upon ever. Come up with a way to live together in a loving relationship even though you may not see eye to eye on this particular issue.
A video discussion of these guidelines is found at Marriage Uncensored. The first 20 seconds or so are from a Christian perspective. The remainder of the video, however, applies to all and should not be offensive to non-Christians.
Fighting Fair provides excerpts from a recent Dr. Phil broadcast on the subject of conflict in marriage.
Both are worth previewing.
Yours for the celebration of marriage,
Claudia
Labels: marriage conflict
How to Resolve Conflict in Your Marriage
by Gillian Markson | More from this Blogger
The easiest answer to how to resolve conflict in your marriage is communication, but learning how to communicate effectively can be tough, so here are some tips on how to begin to do that.
First you need to figure out exactly what the conflict is. Poor communication skills, mistrust, insecurities, and lack of respect are among the common conflicts in a marriage. In marriages that have lasted for awhile, the conflict maybe something like lack of passion or boredom-maybe the feeling of being stuck. The first thing you need to agree on is that a conflict exists. If one of you is in denial, or accuses the other of over reacting or trying to "pick a fight where there is none," than there is a lack of respect in the home- because whether you agree with your spouse or not, their perceptions of the situation are valid, despite how you feel about it.
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A good exercise to get started on resolving conflict is for the two of you to sit down and write out all the aspects of your marriage which you enjoy. It's always better to start out with the positive; it makes the negative seem less intense.
Then write out three areas you would improve if you could do anything to change the way the marriage is going. Write as much detail as possible, it will help to clarify ideas during the discussion. Try not to blame or provoke, it won't help the situation and is childish. I find it very helpful to have these notes when we go into a discussion about conflict in our marriage, as I tend to forget the points I want to make after the discussion has started. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to articulate!
If your marriage has severe conflict you may want to seek out some type of mediator for your discussion. It could be a conflict resolution specialist, your clergyman, or even a mutual friend whom you both feel comfortable with.
If you're catching the conflict early, you probably won't need a mediator. If your communication has been fairly good during your marriage, you've most likely avoided letting the conflict escalate unchecked to the point where professional intervention is necessary, but if you have, be honest with each other about needing help. Ignoring the elephant in the room leads to resentment and distrust, two killers for today's marriages. Next, using your lists, discuss the situation by really listening to each other. Look into your spouses eyes as they speak, and pay attention to what they are saying. Practice drawing out as much detail and examples as possible, so that the two of you can get a clear picture of how each of you perceives the situation.
Become solution oriented. You can discuss the situation until the cows come home and not get anywhere, which is typically what happens without a concrete plan to resolve the conflicts that both of you are willing to try. Keep your focus on what the two of you can do to resolve the conflict, and if you can be open minded, the answers will come. Remember that above all, you love each other.
Labels: marriage conflict
Resolving Conflicts and Saving Your Marriage
Your marriage is at the brink of dissolution. You and your spouse have lost trust and faith in each other; your mutual anger is so palpable that you can no longer go out as a couple without breaking into a verbal sparring match or an out-and-out fight. Past hurts and wrongs haunt both of you, coloring your interpretation of the present; and perhaps most damaging, one or both of you have engaged in an extramarital affair.
Despite such problems, couples can and do put their marriages back together, although only through extremely hard work. But both members of the couple must do the work, or it will be doomed from the start. Generally, the best approach is finding a marriage counselor to help you.
Therapists come in as many styles as this year's wall calendar. The question is, what should you look for in a marriage counselor? What kind of therapist is right for you?
Some of the best advice we've heard comes from Dr. Mitchell Baris, who works with the divorced and the divorcing every day. Couples should look for someone who can help them restructure their communication and react to their partner in terms of the real situation, not ghosts of the past, Dr. Baris advises. “Some counselors look into the couples' deep past; they help them go over their own childhood experiences, their early family dynamic. Couples might explore the impact their past had on their marital choice and on the negative (and positive) patterns they carried into their marriage and up to the present.”
Divorce Dictionary
Conflict resolution is a peaceful and mutually satisfactory way to end or significantly—and hopefully permanently—de-escalate a conflict.
Although different marriage counselors emphasize different strategies, we have seen the highest levels of success among those who focus on conflict resolution. When one spouse gets excited or angry, the ideal strategy for the other is to try to defuse the anger by soothing his or her partner. Going to war—or worse yet, dredging up the past—will only fuel the fires of conflict and weaken the relationship already on its last legs.
Couples in trouble might also benefit from lessons in fair fighting. In this technique, each partner listens to the other without being vicious or defensive—or striking back with hurtful insults or references to the past. One well-known doctor, who pioneered the technique of “restructuring” couples so that they can fight fairly, has this amusing approach: He keeps a piece of linoleum in his office and hands it to one person at a time. “Here, you hold the floor,” he says to the person holding the linoleum. The other person cannot speak until the linoleum is handed over. The lesson for couples here: learn how to hear the other one through, and do not interrupt, especially to escalate the conflict.
How do you find the right therapist? The best way, our experts tell us, is to get referrals from satisfied friends. Make sure, of course, that you select someone who specializes in couples and relationships and that he or she is well-regarded by other professionals. Make sure that whoever you choose feels “right.” Is there a rapport among all three of you? Can you communicate easily with the therapist? Sometimes one spouse will come to feel the therapist has allied with their partner against them;if your spouse feels this way, perhaps it would be best to seek help from another counselor, one who can strike a better sense of neutrality as the sessions go on.
Once you find a therapist who meets these criteria, give therapy a fair chance. Be open to the possibility that your marriage can be saved—and be ready to do the work that it requires. Remember, therapy isn't always easy, especially if you're carrying painful emotional baggage from your childhood. But, if you and your partner truly love each other and are willing to alter some basic patterns, therapy can succeed.
Labels: marriage conflict
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
How a Good Fight Keeps Your Relationship Happy
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
May 29, 2008
Many couples worry that fighting means the marriage is in trouble. On the contrary, psychologists believe that healthy conflict resolution is the key to a happy marriage.
If you’re holding your tongue about the raised toilet seat lid or dirty dishes all over the living room, you may be doing your marriage more harm than good.
Couples who suppress anger are twice as likely to face early death as those who express it, says University of Michigan psychology professor emeritus Ernest Harburg. A good fight with your spouse could be the key to a happy marriage.
What the Research Shows about Conflict in Marriage
Brooding on the things that irritate you, suppressing your anger, and giving your partner the “silent treatment” are not components of healthy conflict resolution – or a happy marriage.
The key to a happy marriage is healthy conflict resolution, which means expressing how you feel honestly and respectfully.
Why Unhappy Marriages Are Harder on Wives
UCLA researchers found that when husbands go home after work, their stress hormone cortisol is dramatically reduced whether or not they’re happily married. In contrast, wives enjoy lower cortisol levels after work only if they’re happily married. If they’re unhappy, their cortisol increases when they get home. Chronic stress elevates cortisol, which can lead to many health problems: depression, chronic fatigue, and possibly even cancer.
To ensure marriages are happy and cortisol levels are low, let both partners unwind after work, divide parenting responsibilities equally, and share domestic chores. This, along with healthy conflict resolution, may be the key to a happy marriage.
Resolving Conflict in Marriage
"When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about conflict," Harburg said. "Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can imitate, that's fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process of resolving conflict. The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?"
To vent anger, Montreal-based psychologist Dr Laurie Betito suggests starting sentences with “I feel…” rather than “You make me feel...” Try saying “I feel overwhelmed,” instead of “You never help around here” (which puts your partner on the defensive).
“Talking about your problems gives you perspective, makes you feel understood, and allows others to support you,” says Dr Betito. “You don’t feel like you’re all alone.”
Labels: marriage conflict
How to Resolve Conflicts (Part 1)
My goal for your marriage is for you and your spouse to be in love with each other. With love, marriage is sensational. Without it, it's hell. So every time I tackle marital conflict, I stress the importance of resolving it in a way that builds the feeling of love in marriage.
The Policy of Joint Agreement
All of my Q&A columns offer solutions to problems through negotiation with mutual agreement as the goal. I define that objective in my Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). But I have received many letters wondering if this goal is reasonable. Can a husband and wife be expected to agree on everything? And agree enthusiastically? So I posted the column, Having Trouble with the Policy of Joint Agreement? In this column I not only discuss the Policy of Joint Agreement, but I also describe my Four Guidelines for Negotiation. When you negotiate with these guidelines, you can't help but solve your problem.
Incompatibility is at the core of marital conflict. How to Survive Incompatibility is a column that introduces the problem of incompatibility, and offers the Policy of Joint Agreement as a general solution. The problem of incompatibility and the solution are readdressed in Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible.
Your First Year of Marriage
First things first. How to Thrive (or Survive) after the First Year of Marriage is designed to help you avoid the most common mistakes made during and after the honeymoon. The way you make decisions right after marriage will either set you on a course toward compatibility and mutual love, or on a course that leads to disaster.
A column that deals with conflict that often occurs in the first year of marriage is The Mother-in-law.
Should You Have Children?
One of the important questions asked after marriage is Should We Have Children? This column shows how difficult it can be for some couples to answer. Did you marry to spend your life loving each other or to have children? Sometimes you can't have both.
Your First Baby
Once your first child arrives, you may wonder How to Thrive (or Survive) after Your First Baby. This column focuses attention on the decisions you are forced to make that will change your lifestyle. Unless you create your new lifestyle to bring both you and your spouse closer together, your child may be raised by only one parent.
Raising Children
It doesn't take long before your baby reaches an age when training is necessary. How should you and your spouse discipline your child? In a way that builds love for each other. That's my answer to the questions I post in How to Raise Children and Keep Love in Your Marriage. You will find that child discipline that keeps love in your marriage also puts your child on a successful course in life.
Blended Families
Raising your own children is difficult enough, but raising someone else's children has proven to be almost impossible for many spouses. That's one of the reasons that divorce is so likely in a blended family. But divorce is not inevitable, and step-children can be raised in a way that preserves the feeling of love of the parents. It's all explained in How to Raise Children in a Blended Family and Keep Love in Your Marriage.
Dividing Domestic Responsibilities
With children come responsibilities. With responsibilities comes conflict -- conflict over who's responsible. I address this touchy issue in two columns, How to Divide Domestic Responsibilities (Part 1) and How to Divide Domestic Responsibilities (Part 2). In this age of dual income families, the method I suggest solves a problem that threatens to become a national crisis. As these columns illustrate, my solution to this problem is often met with ridicule. All I ask is that couples give it a chance to prove itself. Granted, my plan is certainly not intuitive, but it works.
Career Development
A career should enhance your marriage, and not diminish it. Yet, many choose careers that makes it almost impossible to have a good marriage. When a couple is starting out in life, the choice of a career can often make or break their marriage. So I address this important issue in, How to Develop Your Career and Keep Love in Your Marriage. Even if your career is already in place, you should make sure that it helps make your marriage successful. One good test is the Policy of Joint Agreement. Is your spouse enthusiastic about it?
Financial Planning
What would a marriage be without disagreements over money? There are so many ways to spend it, and so little of it to go around. It's been said that the #1 cause of divorce is financial conflict. It's not true, but it's certainly an area of conflict that can bring a marriage down. How to Resolve Financial Conflicts and Keep Love in Your Marriage is a column that will help you gain perspective on your financial decisions. Unless you make these decisions with each other's feelings in mind, I guarantee that you will lose love for each other, and probably lose most of your money, too.
Labels: marriage conflict
Why Doesn't Marriage Solve Problems?
by Heather Long
This is a particularly odd entry for the marriage blog that I have in mind today and I ask that you bear with me as I explore a difficult topic. Why do women stay with men they want to behave differently? Why do women marry men who really don't have a lot going for them and who really don't treat them well?
It really doesn't make much sense and when you watch someone you care about doing that to him or herself; you may find yourself stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do you know someone like this? Have you watched them jump through hoops? Have you heard them constantly excuse their significant other's shortcomings? Have you ever heard one of them say that it would all work out when they were married?
I have. The first time I heard someone say that, I was appalled. If she really didn't like the man now and desperately wanted him to change, why were they even contemplating marriage? When he encouraged unrecognizable changes in the woman he was engaged to and discouraged her from any remnants of her previous life because they weren't suitable or positive in his opinion, what the heck was going on?
How could they be involved in a committed, caring relationship when it boiled down to the fact that they really didn't like who the other person was.
The answer is frighteningly simple.
The Power of Attraction
Many men and women do not base their choices in a significant other on how decent, caring or good someone is to them or in general; they do it because of the primal attraction they feel for them.
Seriously.
These men and women will put up with their unsuitable choice for months and sometimes even years. Their friends and family will stare, shake their heads and wonder what is going on. There can even be disputes as friends and family try to discourage what seems so obvious to them and yet the couple persists.
Why do people do that?
Because they confuse attraction with connection and they are often convinced if they can compensate for what they feel the other is lacking - it will work out. You see this a great deal in relationships between immature partners. Not young, mind you, but emotionally immature partners.
The Idea of Love
Unfortunately, for the people who find themselves in these types of relationships. The problem is that the men or women they are with may have all the potential in the world. They may have within them the capability to be great and be all the things that others can see in them. But they are usually not at a place in their lives where they are interested or even capable of forming and developing a committed and deep relationship with anyone.
You cannot force someone to be something else. Marriage is not a stock investment that will hopefully mature in time to provide you with a significant return. Sadly, marriages such as this take place all the time and many of them are doomed to failure.
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I've been in those relationships. I have been on the receiving end of the affection when I was nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment. I have experienced the deep emotion that I thought was love for a man who was nowhere near ready for that kind of a relationship either. Falling in love with an idea is dangerous. Because ideas do not feel, they do experience pain and they rarely are able to commit and return those feelings.
Labels: marriage conflict
7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them
How to resolve the most common relationship problems and get your love life back on track.
By Carol Sorgen
WebMD Feature Reviewed by Amal Chakraburtty, MD
It's a rare couple that doesn't run into at least a few relationship problems -- even when their love life is generally happy. It helps, experts say, to know what the most common problems in a relationship or marriage are. That way you'll have a better chance of getting through them if they occur in yours. Scott Haltzman, MD, is a clinical assistant professor of psychology at Brown University in Providence, R.I. "Knowing what to expect from relationships -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- is the best way to make sure you're not looking for something that will never be there," Haltzman says.
Ideally, basic topics such as money, sex, and kids should be discussed before a couple decide to share their life together, says Margaret A. Cochran, PhD. Cochran is a San Francisco Bay area psychotherapist who coaches couples on resolving marriage problems and building romantic intimacy. But agreeing on these things, she says, doesn't guarantee that a marriage or long-term relationship is going to be trouble free.
Marriage and family therapist Terri Orbuch, PhD, director of the NIH-funded Early Years of Marriage project at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, has identified seven common relationship problems and ways to address them. Her suggestions can help you get a wobbly relationship back on track.
Relationship problem #1: Lack of trust
Trust is an essential part of a relationship, Orbuch tells WebMD. "Trust becomes an issue when one partner doesn't feel the other is being honest, or doesn't have his or her best interests at heart," she says. It can become a major issue if one of you feels the other has a roving eye - or worse, sees signs of a cheating spouse.
Orbuch's solution is a "trust talk." You and your partner need to ask one another about your feelings about and experience with dependability and commitment. What are the behaviors that are causing you to lose trust in your partner or to doubt his or her commitment? Finally -- and Orbuch says you need to think about this carefully -- do you have unresolved issues of your own that hinder your ability to trust others? "You have to have a trustworthy partner," Orbuch says, "but you also have to have the ability to trust."
Mary Jo Fay, RN, MSN, author of , offers these tips to help you and your partner develop trust in each other.
Be consistent.
Be on time. When you have to be late, call and say you'll be late.
Do what you say you will do, and call when you say you will call.
Don't lie - not even little white lies - to your partner or to others.
Be fair, even in an argument.
Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner feels.
Carry your fair share of chores.
Respect your partner's boundaries.
Be a good listener.
Try not to overreact when things go wrong.
Don't dig up old wounds. Remember that once you say things, you can't take them back.
Don't be jealous.
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Labels: marriage conflict
How to Save a Marriage That is Struggling and Make a Good Marriage Even Stronger
By C. Pemo
Men say that they are rational and that women are emotional. Women, however, believe that men are half-deaf and that they are the rational ones. This is one of the reasons that some marriages seem to self-destruct. Men and women simply have different ways of communicating! Ladies, if you'd like to save your marriage, follow these simple steps and you can save a marriage that is struggling or make a good marriage even stronger.
1) Change the Way You Talk
Men speak differently than women do, which means that they hear things differently as well. My friend Jenny once said to her husband that she missed having another couple to spend time with and he thought that she meant she was bored with being with him. It may be totally irrational to ladies, but it makes sense to men.
While a man's ego is in his pants, his insecurities are in his ears, and he can hear things that you never say or mean. Make sure that he understands what you are saying, and if he misunderstands, change the way you're saying it so that he gets it correctly.
2) Talk to His Buddies
If your relationship is rocky, talk with his buddies. While a woman's best friends may have a hard time telling their friend's husband about his wife's problem, a man's best friend usually doesn't.
Talk with them and try to figure out what his real take is on the relationship. Chances are you will hear that your husband has been saying glowing things about you, as men can more easily talk to their friends than they can to their wives.
3) Be "Wifely"
In this modern day and age women often expect men to do at least half of the housework. The problem comes when a woman takes her husband for granted and allows him to do almost everything around the house.
No matter how busy you are, or how frustrated or tired you are, take a few minutes out to be "wifely". If he's lounging on a chair, ask him if he'd like a drink. If he takes a lunch to work and usually makes his own, make one for him every once in awhile. It may seem like a small thing, but trust me, it will be greatly appreciated.
4) Show Him Your Desires
A man likes nothing better than to know that his wife desires him. Show him how much you desire him. Take him dancing and dance close with him like you used to do. Take a shower together and bump up against him.
Men, like women, like to feel desired, so make sure that your man knows how much you desire him.
5) The Way to His Heart
What is the way to your man's heart? Is it through sports, or is it through food? Rediscover the way to your man's heart and join him on his quest to enjoy it. If he loves sports, try to get involved. If he enjoys food, learn how to cook some gourmet food together.
If he is into reading, read the same book and discuss it between the two of you. Most men enjoy having their wives with them, so find ways to be together.
6) Sex Isn't Everything
Here's where we go against everything that most women learn at an early age. Yes, most men do enjoy sex, however, they often enjoy it much more when it's withheld for awhile. Instead of jumping right into bed, especially if you're fighting, abstain for a bit.
Take time instead to touch, cuddle, and talk to one another. It may frustrate your man in the beginning, but sooner than later he'll realize what you're doing and why and will come to appreciate you more. Men like to be held too, so curl up against his back at night and hold him.
7) Tell Him Everything
As I've said before, men often hear things that their wife never said. Their imagination tends to go wild and they start thinking that their wife no longer loves them or finds them attractive.
This is because men are a lot more fragile than they'd ever have you believe. Instead of hiding things from him "just to make it easier", tell him everything. Don't hide anything from him. If you're thinking about going shopping with another couple, tell him.
If you want to purchase a new dress, talk about it. The more you inject him into your life, the more he'll be able to relax about the relationship.
Men are just as difficult to understand as women. Unlike women, they hide their feelings because they believe it to be the "manly" thing to do. If you want to save your marriage, don't let him hide. Give him all of yourself and make him give all of himself so that your marriage can survive.
Labels: marriage conflict
Marriage is Not a Competitive Sport
By John Tebar
I will go over each one of these elements as to there importance.
Love, this is something one gives unconditionally. These days love has been perverted to mean as long as you fulfill my requirements. If that is the case then, you are not in love. Actual real love is a complete surrender that demonstrates your devotion. If one of the partners loses their job, gets ill or becomes overweight then all bets are off. That is not a true test of love nor is it unconditional.
Some people are not ready for such a commitment. I know, as I was one of them. Sometimes we confuse lust for love. You must separate that notion of having any superficial conditions for your relationship. If you cannot commit 100% to your spouse then you are simply not ready. Move on until you find yourself ready for that commitment.
One of the major pitfalls is moving in together before you are actually married. The problem with this is that human beings are not cars; this is like kicking the tires and checking under the hood to see if this will work out. This is not a real commitment this is just testing the waters.
If you want to test the water, then go to each other homes and check out how they live, where they live, the upkeep of the home and its condition. Get to know the family members and know a little bit more of the family history. Look at the books in their library or do they have one. Where do they work and how long have they worked there. That will disclose a lot about a person and their character.
Trust is a major component of a relationship. Trust is rooted with honesty and transparency. The ability to confide in another without apprehension that they will disseminate or violate your confidence is very important. If you love them but cannot trust them or feel that, they are cheating or not telling all, the relationship will not last. You have to have the ability to trust, without that; you are going to walk on eggshells and become secretive on different issues.
Trust does not mean that one is in agreement with the others actions. Trust is knowing that they will listen and acknowledge that which is given in confidence. It is also the additional belief that the other person is devoted to you and not easily led or strayed away in behavior. It deals with honesty, straight talk without excuses or fabrications.
You can test this easily by asking question related to their everyday lives. Ask about what their feelings are regarding spirituality, politics or their routine each day and why they do the things that they do.
Finance is a big factor for marriage. You want to ensure that one or both spouses are financially responsible or that they are in control of their finances. Mistakes of the past can bite you, but if there current practice has corrected those errors then that reflects fiscal responsibility and progress in the handling of money.
Ideally, you want to make sure that both spouses agree of how they want to "handle" the finances of the relationship. You want to have agreement on the cash management "methods" that are sound and will help in the future financial growth of the relationship itself.
Marriage is not a competitive sport. One should not try to be better than the other, but acts in the best interest of the relationship itself. It does not matter who makes the most money, at the end of one's life, you will not take anything with you. What is important is what you leave behind and to whom.
The roles that one will assign to each other are also important. Traditionally, the man is the head of the household. This can be that there is equality in the running of the household. Agreements, such as who will cook, who handles the money, are necessary to define. Roles well defined and agreed upon sets up the parameters to place order and motion within the relationship.
If you decide, that one spouse will cook and the other will do the dishes that places an order to the day. One can vary the roles such as if one spouse comes home before the other than that person does the cooking. You can agree to do dishes together. You may feel this is micromanaging too much, but little things that go uncorrected can bring about resentment.
Little things make up for most of the friction in relationships. That is why agreements before you go full tilt on a marriage is important. From the time, you get up, arriving or leaving the house, calling if one will be late or delayed for dinner or an event are the things that add up.
The joint relationship and personal goals should be defined and set. Maybe one has some educational goals that they want to achieve. The support of the other spouse is necessary to help the other to achieve those goals or benchmarks. Goals such as for retirement or investments should be brought out and establishment with the parameters necessary to achieve them, it would be well to define them.
Spirituality is another major deal breaker. Is one-spouse religious practices in conflict with the other? If so, then this may cause a major problem with the relationship. Know before you go. I recall a survey that was done once, whereby religious beliefs was a major factor of conflict within a marriage.
Without the examination of all these elements, one will have competition as to who does the most or makes the most money. With no parameters establish, the relationship can be tilted as one spouse is doing more than the other. That cannot hold for very long. When agreements are defined well in advance then any situation and circumstances can be properly reconciled.
To keep a marriage from becoming one of winners and losers, agreements must be made in advance. This would even include arbitration on unresolved issues. You want to create a relationship based on unconditional love, trust, peace and harmony that should be the overall goal for the relationship itself.
Labels: marriage conflict
How To Save Your Troubled Marriage.
There are many ways of saving a troubled marriage. If you feel that the spark has gone out of your relationship, discover in this article how to re-ignite the flame.
Do you feel that something is amiss in your marriage? Or that your marriage has reached a stalemate? Its time to re-connect to get back the magic of your early relationship.
Show appreciation of each other. A marital stalemate happens when both parties take each other for granted. Get physical. Relive the excitement and romance of your courtship by holding hands, hugging, complimenting each other and setting time aside special quality time to be together. If you have kids, hire a baby-sitter for that romantic evening out.
Its time to confront those troubling issues.Discuss it calmly over a cuppa tea. Air your dissatisfactions but make suggestions on how to improve the relationship.For every action, there is reaction. Quit finger-pointing as this puts people on the defensive and unreceptive to whatever you say. A little tact can wonders.
If the table between the two of you is too short a distance to prevent a shouting match, then get a counselor.The professional acts as a mediator and works ,to become instrumental in resolving marital conflict.In short, make love, not war.
Build a bridge over troubled waters. Communication or the lack of it is a major factor in marriage breakdowns. Practice effective listening by responding to each other's needs. All talk and no action makes a dull marriage. Be committed towards saving your troubled marriage. A little attention can work wonders.
De-stress before you step home. Discard your excess baggage of work stresses when you leave the office. Keep the sanctity and sanctuary of your home. You need to connect to your partner and kids in the domestic scene. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Make daily re-unions pleasant times to come to.
Re-discover your marriage. Bring it to deeper level of love.The rewards last a life-time.
Labels: marriage conflict
14 Ways To Affair Proof Your Marriage
March 13, 2008
Many people look at infidelity as if it was a natural disaster; no one could see it coming; it just inexplicably happened. Perhaps this is because we are a country that has abdicated its belief in personal responsibility. The truth is that not only can men see it coming, they can prevent it from happening as well.
It is possible to affair proof your marriage. Will it be a lot of work? Yes. But that’s what you signed up for when you decided to marry your sweetheart.
What is cheating?
Before we begin our discussion on how to immunize your marriage against infidelity, we should establish what constitutes cheating. Having sex with another woman other than your wife is obviously cheating. But it’s also possible to be unfaithful without having to go that far. Infidelity has shades of gray that should likewise be avoided. It is possible to be emotionally unfaithful without crossing any physical boundaries. A perfect example of this is online infidelity. More and more married men are having online romantic and sometimes sexual relationships with women other than their wife. While there’s no physical contact, I would definitely say this is cheating. Men who “date” online are violating a trust that their wife has put in them to be faithful-both body and mind.
Now let’s get down to business. Here are 14 ways to affair proof your marriage:
Make your Marriage Your #1 Priority
This past summer my wife and I spent a week in Montpelier, Vermont. If you were to picture the ideal small American town, Montpelier would be it. It’s an absolutely charming place. One of the town’s tourist brochures carried the tagline: “Places like this don’t just happen.” The citizens of Montpelier have put in a lot of work to maintain the town’s magic.
Similarly, successful marriages don’t just happen. You have to be willing to put in the effort. This is especially true as couples get busier with careers, kids, or community activities. Those things are important, but if you want a strong marriage, your wife must come first.
Keep dating your wife. We’ve written about this before, but it deserves repeating. Establish a weekly “date night” with your wife and treat this time as sacred. Your dates don’t have to be fancy, but you do need to work to keep them fresh. A recent study showed that injecting novelty into your dates can bring back the butterflies you experienced when you were first courting. So visit a new restaurant, try a new hobby, or take a class together.
Quit the porn. Bringing porn into a relationship is not healthy. It’s like bringing another woman into your marriage, except she’s glossy and airbrushed. Porn will only create an unrealistic expectation in your mind about your spouse’s libido, body, and comfort level with weird sex positions. Pretty soon you’ll find that your wife isn’t satisfying you and your eyes will start to wander. Dump the porn.
Focus on being romantic. Any woman will tell you it doesn’t take much to be romantic. A romantic letter or email only takes a few minutes to write. Flowers are always welcome, even if you picked them up from the grocery store on the way home. These small gestures show your wife that you’ve thought of her and help you reinforce your commitment to your wife.
Initiate affection. Studies show that couples who are affectionate with each other stay together. Make an effort to initiate spontaneous affection with your wife. Give her a hug or surprise kiss and tell her how much you love her. Hold hands with her when you’re out together. Also, don’t make your wife cuddle-rape you. Invite cuddling with her without making it a precursor to sex. These small gestures will help strengthen the physical connection that every relationship needs.
Have sex regularly. Many men stray because they’ve gotten bored with their sex life with their wife. It’s pretty easy to get into a slump in your sex life when you’re married. Things just get busy and by the end of the day, couples are just too tired for it. Make sex with your wife a priority. It doesn’t have to involve kama sutra and edible underwear. Just do it. Frequent sexual encounters with your wife will strengthen your emotional and physical attraction to her.
Spend time just talking. Find some time each day to have meaningful conversations with your wife. If you have kiddos, do it after you put them in bed. Talk about what you did during the day. Discuss what you’ve been thinking about lately. Share your dreams with them. The idea is to deepen the bond between to you and your wife. It’s harder to cheat on her when you’ve made such an emotional investment. Deposit into this investment by frequently engaging in meaningful conversations.
Share a common interest. A big reason men stray from their wives is that they begin to find less and less in common with them. When you first started dating, you probably had everything in common. Well, at least you thought you did. So you would spend lots of time together doing things you both enjoyed. Then you got married and started working and your wife either started working too or stayed home to take care of the kids. Pretty soon there begins to be much fewer areas in which your lives overlap.
Avoid this by maintaining a common interest or hobby with your wife. For example, my in-laws do ballroom dancing lessons. Every weekend they’re out dancing. When they’re at home in the evenings they practice in the living room. My wife and I have made it a goal run in a 5K and we’ve started to run together. We also have this blog that we do together. Just find something that both of you can enjoy and participate in it together.
Have a sense of honor and duty. Remember that when you got married you made a sacred promise or vow that you would be faithful to your wife. There was a time when a gentleman was judged on whether or not he was a man of his word. Sadly, people today don’t take those sorts of things seriously. Many people feel justified in breaking their promises when something stops being easy and pleasurable. Buck the trend. Be a man of your word. The honorable thing is to fulfill the duty to your wife that you freely took upon yourself the day you got married. I know some will say, “You shouldn’t stay in a terrible marriage just to avoid breaking your vows.” Perhaps not, but you do have the duty to do everything you can to save that marriage before calling it quits. And I mean everything.
Establish boundaries
Many men feel they are manly enough to handle any situation with a woman. For them, setting firm boundaries reeks of weakness or unnecessary zealotry. But that is what every man thinks right before they take it too far. Far better to be safe than sorry. If people think you are a prude, so be it. You are prude going home to the love of your life each night with a head held high.
In your quest to avoid temptation, it should be understood that there’s nothing wrong with having friendships with other women. In fact, it’s inevitable. You probably work closely with other women at work or school. The key is to know where to draw the line and then to stay as far away from it as possible. This will require you to do some serious introspection and figure out what your boundaries are. Here some things you can do to help you in that process.
Establish boundaries with your wife. Sit down with your wife and find out what she’s comfortable with in regards to your relationships with other women and vice versa. It will be different with each couple. For example, you might make it rule that neither of you will drive or ride alone in a car (unless absolutely necessary) or dance with a member of the opposite sex.
Evaluate your vulnerabilities. Sit down with your wife and evaluate your vulnerabilities. Many people don’t realize that they may have personality traits that open themselves up for infidelity. These traits don’t have to be bad either. For example, you might naturally be an empathetic listener. There’s nothing wrong with that, but some women may take this attention the wrong way.
How do you know if you’ve crossed the line between friendship and something more?
There are three signs that indicate that you may have crossed the line into infidelity:
1) Emotional intimacy
Do you find yourself sharing more of your feelings and thoughts with your female friend than with your wife?
2) Sexual tension
You instinctively know when it is present. Huge red flag. Don’t rationalize it away.
3) Secrecy
Do you close your email window when you wife walks by? Do you leave out details of your day because they include encounters with your friend? The minute you fudge anything about your relationship with your female friend, you’ve stepped over the line.
If you see any of these signs, it’s time to re-evaluate your friendship with that other woman. You may need be broaden your boundaries in order to avoid any temptation in the future.
Avoid temptation
Meet in groups, if possible. If you know you can’t handle situations of being alone with another woman without it crossing the line, avoid being alone with another woman.
Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life. Many an affair begins when people start talking about their problems with another woman besides their wife. They feel like the other person understands them better than their wife. They feel a closer connection with them, so they start spending more time with them. If not checked, it may eventually lead to infidelity. Not always, but why risk it?
Stay away from online dating sites. A recent study shows that a large percentage of men who surf online dating sites are married. Virtual affairs are still affairs.
It’s harder to cheat on your wife than stay faithful
Think about the consequences. It’s actually much harder to cheat on your wife than it is to be faithful to her. When you’re unfaithful, you have to start sneaking around, hiding phone calls, and lying. That’s a lot of damn work. While being in a committed relationship takes a lot of work too, it pales in comparison to the rigamarole you’ll have to go through to have those few moments of excitement with another woman.
Another way cheating makes your life harder is having to deal with the consequences when you’re finally caught. Imagine having to face your children and tell them you haven’t been completely faithful to their mother. Imagine the look of hurt and sadness you’ll see in the eyes of the woman you told you would love forever. If that doesn’t make your stomach sink a bit, you’re a giant douchebag.
Conclusion
Making your marriage affair proof requires a large investment of time and emotional capital. But the investment is well worth it. Set high standards for your marriage and for yourself. Man up and you’ll never stray.
Labels: marriage conflict
Steps to Saving your Relationship & Marriage
There are times when a relationship reaches a point where either you, your partner or both of you feel that you can no longer proceed with your relationship. Though this may be so, the two of you still have a connection and really do want to make your relationship work, but do not know exactly how to approach the rescue. If your relationship is going through a rocky period, but you do not want to lose your partner and wish to make things better and continue to build a strong bond together, then consider the following steps to save your relationship:
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1. Acknowledge the Reasons for your Rocky Period. Most of the times, couples break up because they are having problems or feel they can no longer get along, but never really acknowledge what the true problem was. It is important that you both know what the root of your conflicts are so that you both see a clear picture of what is going on and where it all came from and why.
2. Be Rational, Reasonable & Calm. When a couple is experiencing conflicts and hard times, there all kinds of emotions flying around, which can cause one or both of you to act irrationally, and say or do things that will only worsen your already frustrating situation. Though it can be very challenging, it is essential that you make a real effort to stay calm and think rationally, as well as speak rationally. Your partner may be acting completely uncooperative, and that is exactly when you need to take charge of the situation and make sure that things do not get out of hand. Be patient and hear everything your partner has to say before you take your turn in speaking. Make sure you do not say things that you will regret later.
3. Use Space to your Relationship�s Advantage. If your rational, reasonable and calm approach does not work and you notice that the two of you are getting nowhere at the current time, then take some time apart. It may be hard for you to do and go through, but it really would be doing your relationship good. Many people get overly emotional when they are having problems with their lovers and want to work out their problem right away and do will not leave their partner alone until they do, but this id definitely the wrong way to go about it. The only thing that will happen is frustrating your partner more, making him or her feel more pressured and therefore pushing your relationship further back instead of forward. Take some time apart so that you both have the space to think on your own and set your emotions and thoughts in order.
4. Agree to Disagree. The next time you and your partner feel ready to attempt another rational discussion, be sure to agree to disagree first. It is important that you both remember that although you may be one as a couple, you are still both very much individuals with your own thoughts and beliefs about certain things. Make an agreement that being different does mean you both are incompatible, but what it does mean is that you are both unique in your own ways and will respect your differences and use those differences as a way to better your relationship instead of trying to change each other.
5. Find a Middle Ground. There are probably some things you would prefer your partner not do and vice versa, but the fact of the matter is, you cannot change your partner�s personalities or hobbies. What you must do is find a middle ground where you both feel more secure and comfortable with certain situations where you can both trust each other and feel that your relationship is safe from any damage or harm.
6. Work as a Team. Saving a Relationship and maintaining it requires effort from both of you, not just one of you. If your partner shows no interest or effort in making your relationship work, it would be best to leave him or her alone until he or she figures out just how important saving the relationship is. Sometimes the results will be painful for you and they will not want to have a relationship anymore. However, it could very well be that they realize how important sharing their life with you is, and will eventually come to you-ready to give full cooperation in mending your wounded relationship.
7. Patience is Key. Do not panic! Relationships are very fragile when they are going through a rocky period and cannot be repaired in a day. Do not feel afraid or depressed if things do not go at a pace of your expectation. There is no spell or psychic who can predict your future or make things better. The only thing that will give you real and honest results is time, patience and effort. If you truly want this to work out, then it will be worth the wait. Keep in mind that no matter what happens, you did your best and will survive regardless of what the ending results are.
8. Take it Slowly. Once you and your partner have smoothed things out, be sure to take things slowly. Rushing back into things can make your relationship an easy target to the same problems that caused your rockiness in the first place. Have a serious conversation together about what happened and work together on how you can prevent the same conflicts in the future and/or how you can handle it differently in the future if it does come to surface again. If the two of you agreed to stay together, then there is no need to rush. No of you is going anywhere.
Labels: marriage conflict
