Is Your Marriage in Trouble? There is Hope

Is Your Marriage in Trouble? There is Hope
August 7, 2008 | By Paul In Communication |
"Experience is the best teacher, but very often through lots of pain.
Therefore let wisdom be your teacher and be smart - learn from others’ experience.."

No one thinks of divorce on their wedding day. The wedding day is a joyful day and both partners look forward to a life full of happiness. So what happens along the way to cause someone to hate their spouse with a passion? Is it truly hate? Is it disappointment? Is it accumulated misunderstandings? Is it unfulfilled promises or wishes? What is it?

If the answers were simple, then there would be no divorce. Deep down I believe all couples facing divorce wish it turned out differently. I will share a few thoughts with you on this subject as a fellow voyager in this life. I have observed that any relationship is delicate and requires maintenance. A
relationship suffers when it is neglected, when partners take each other for granted, and when partners pursue their own interests sometimes at the expense of the other partner’s interests. A good relationship has ‘give and take’. It requires communication and tolerance.

I don’t know at what stage your marriage is at the moment. It may still be full of joy. May be divorce is not one of your current concerns. That’s fine and I’m glad for you. However, you need to know the pitfalls to avoid; pitfalls that may wreck your marriage in the future. So read on..

You may already have landed in several pitfalls. You may have gone for counseling to no avail. There is still hope at least if there is no violence yet. The reconciliation will start with one partner reaching out to the other. The fact that you are reading this article may mean that you are that partner. I wish you success in your efforts. It is not easy but you can do it if you are determined and if you are willing to give concessions i.e. not to insist on your way.

The first step to reconciliation is communication. If you can’t communicate then you can’t reconcile. You may start off by communicating through someone else, an intermediary. If you are using a go-between, then let the go-between (who should be a mature trusted person) listen to each of you separately first. Let each of you state their side of the story separately. The second step is for the go-between to restate these perspectives to the other party e.g. "your wife/husband said ….
do you agree?"

I have come to notice that each spouse will paint a very good picture of themselves to justify that they are the victims. Another thing is that the go-between may discover that the origin of the problem was a small misunderstanding which caused a reaction in one partner that caused another reaction in the other until it boiled over.

If the original misunderstanding was resolved the rest could have been avoided, therefore always COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY. Always ask for clarification when something doesn’t make sense, it may save your marriage. Never be biased. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and ask what they mean.

Someone said we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak. Someone also said speak the truth with love. Even if you are right and your partner is wrong don’t rub it in i.e. find a gentle understanding way of communicating your perspective without demeaning
your partner.

If you are not yet at the deep end and you can communicate directly without going through a go-between, then make use of the time and make concessions as you give your marriage a second chance or may be a third or fourth chance. However, don’t allow yourself to be abused - find out why the abuse is there and if it can be ‘treated’ - is it psychological, physical? Seek professional help. If there is abuse, you can stay somewhere else for awhile until you have reconciled through a
go-between.

This article has emphasized a lot on communication. There are other measures you can take. I’ll cover these in other articles on this blog.

They say experience is the best teacher - but I add that it can be a painful teacher if it is your own experience. So, if you can, try to learn from the experience of others - then you get the best teacher without pain - that’s being smart. I hope it is not too late to learn..

A friend of mine has written a good e-book that I recommend which has more material on the subject. The book will also help those who are not yet married and are thinking of marriage.
Click here for more information

Labels: troubled marriages

posted by Robert Heard at 8:32 AM