Is Your Marriage in Trouble? There is Hope
August 7, 2008 | By Paul In Communication |
"Experience is the best teacher, but very often through lots of pain.
Therefore let wisdom be your teacher and be smart - learn from others’ experience.."
No one thinks of divorce on their wedding day. The wedding day is a joyful day and both partners look forward to a life full of happiness. So what happens along the way to cause someone to hate their spouse with a passion? Is it truly hate? Is it disappointment? Is it accumulated misunderstandings? Is it unfulfilled promises or wishes? What is it?
If the answers were simple, then there would be no divorce. Deep down I believe all couples facing divorce wish it turned out differently. I will share a few thoughts with you on this subject as a fellow voyager in this life. I have observed that any relationship is delicate and requires maintenance. A
relationship suffers when it is neglected, when partners take each other for granted, and when partners pursue their own interests sometimes at the expense of the other partner’s interests. A good relationship has ‘give and take’. It requires communication and tolerance.
I don’t know at what stage your marriage is at the moment. It may still be full of joy. May be divorce is not one of your current concerns. That’s fine and I’m glad for you. However, you need to know the pitfalls to avoid; pitfalls that may wreck your marriage in the future. So read on..
You may already have landed in several pitfalls. You may have gone for counseling to no avail. There is still hope at least if there is no violence yet. The reconciliation will start with one partner reaching out to the other. The fact that you are reading this article may mean that you are that partner. I wish you success in your efforts. It is not easy but you can do it if you are determined and if you are willing to give concessions i.e. not to insist on your way.
The first step to reconciliation is communication. If you can’t communicate then you can’t reconcile. You may start off by communicating through someone else, an intermediary. If you are using a go-between, then let the go-between (who should be a mature trusted person) listen to each of you separately first. Let each of you state their side of the story separately. The second step is for the go-between to restate these perspectives to the other party e.g. "your wife/husband said ….
do you agree?"
I have come to notice that each spouse will paint a very good picture of themselves to justify that they are the victims. Another thing is that the go-between may discover that the origin of the problem was a small misunderstanding which caused a reaction in one partner that caused another reaction in the other until it boiled over.
If the original misunderstanding was resolved the rest could have been avoided, therefore always COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY. Always ask for clarification when something doesn’t make sense, it may save your marriage. Never be biased. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and ask what they mean.
Someone said we have two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak. Someone also said speak the truth with love. Even if you are right and your partner is wrong don’t rub it in i.e. find a gentle understanding way of communicating your perspective without demeaning
your partner.
If you are not yet at the deep end and you can communicate directly without going through a go-between, then make use of the time and make concessions as you give your marriage a second chance or may be a third or fourth chance. However, don’t allow yourself to be abused - find out why the abuse is there and if it can be ‘treated’ - is it psychological, physical? Seek professional help. If there is abuse, you can stay somewhere else for awhile until you have reconciled through a
go-between.
This article has emphasized a lot on communication. There are other measures you can take. I’ll cover these in other articles on this blog.
They say experience is the best teacher - but I add that it can be a painful teacher if it is your own experience. So, if you can, try to learn from the experience of others - then you get the best teacher without pain - that’s being smart. I hope it is not too late to learn..
A friend of mine has written a good e-book that I recommend which has more material on the subject. The book will also help those who are not yet married and are thinking of marriage.
Click here for more information
Labels: troubled marriages
Marriage Trouble
Hi. I'm Mort Fertel, creator of Marriage Fitness.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you. Before I share with you how to deal with your marriage trouble (below), I want to offer you FREE help and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.
All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email you both.
After your free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further how you can help you with your marriage trouble.
Now here's some advice for starters.
It’s a fact of life that sooner or latter, most married couples will face their share of relationship trouble. Unfortunately, no marriage is perfect, as most couples can attest to. There is just a multitude of marriage problems that couples can be faced with. A recent survey revealed that the 5 most common marriage problems are:
1. Infidelity
2. Constant low-grade bickering
3. Money issues
4. Neglect/silent treatments
5. Boredom/lost spark
Your marriage trouble may also stem from one or more of these issues. If so, you and/or your spouse probably feel you don’t get enough attention from each other. You may also think you’ve done your share of talking (or fighting) over the issues. So what do you do when you’re caught up in a web of problems, and can’t seem to talk your way out?
Why not try something that doesn’t require talking? You can breath new life into your marriage right now, just by TOUCHING your spouse more. Now, it’s possible you may not feel like it at the moment. You may be thinking, I haven’t touched my spouse for days, maybe weeks. DO IT ANYWAYS- you need to make the effort to connect with him/her through touch. This simple action requires some discipline, but start doing it regularly and watch your marital situation turn around.
Just try it- REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE TODAY. Make it clear that you're touching them solely to connect in that moment. Try a warm kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play with their feet. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you through an entire evening.
Done consistently, the act of touching will produce a softer, more forgiving marital environment. This will allow you to approach your marriage trouble from a better perspective, which will result in more success solving the issues. And it works for all couples, no matter how severe their relationship problems may be.
You see, touch creates more than just a physical connection. It makes us feel different inside. When you caress your spouse's hand, play with their feet, rub their shoulders, or stroke their cheek, there's a moment there (if you do it RIGHT) when your spouse knows that you are completely connected with them. And this feeling makes all the difference in helping you deal with marriage trouble.
Fill your marriage with a few of those moments each day and watch your relationship trouble start to dissipate. Take action, touch your spouse, and begin the journey of transforming your marriage.
I have much more FREE advice for you and a FREE marriage assessment. No strings attached.All you have to do is sign-up in the box to the right and I'll email you both. After the free sign-up, you'll go to a web page that'll explain further about an alternative to marriage counseling.
.
I've been where you're at and I have answers for you. I'll explain more in a moment. Do the free sign-up and I'll see you on the next web page.
Warm regards,
Mort Fertel
Author of Marriage Fitness
Marriage Coach
Labels: troubled marriages
Are You Having Marriage Trouble?
There’s a good chance your marriage trouble began when your spouse stopped meeting your expectations.
Do you know WHY your spouse did this? It’s simple…because YOU stopped meeting HIS/HER expectations.
So, to fix your marriage all you need to do is START meeting your spouse’s expectations again, right?
NOT SO FAST. It’s not quite that easy.
If you feel any kind of resentment towards your spouse, you might be thinking, “Why should *I* meet his/her expectations when s/he is not meeting MINE!?!"
Once you meet your spouse’s expectations, s/he will meet YOURS also and your marriage trouble will diminish!
But first you must know…
How to CLEARLY Define BOTH of Your
Expectations to Each Other
I want to make it clear that we are NOT talking about normal expectations here. We ARE talking about Ultimate Expectations. Ultimate Expectations are what you actually EXPECT your spouse to give you. (They are similar to your needs)
It’s possible that you might have indirectly stated that you wanted one or more of these expectations to be met or maybe you’ve verbally attacked your spouse because s/he has not met these Ultimate Expectations.
Every man and woman has their own gender-related set of Ultimate Expectations.
AT NO POINT IN TIME are these needs EVER discussed out in the open, yet both husband and wife EXPECT each other to know how they want to be treated.
I’m going to reveal EXACTLY what these needs are for a man AND for a woman so you can put your marriage trouble behind you. If you study them carefully and meet your spouse’s particular needs, you’ll see an improvement sooner than you might expect.
As long as you continue to meet your spouse’s expectations, you won’t have to worry about marriage trouble in the future.
A Woman’s Ultimate Expectations of Her Husband:
1) Patience under all conditions.
As a woman, you need to keep your family together physically and emotionally. Because men generally tend to only take care of themselves, you’ll try anything within your power to keep your husband connected with your family.
For instance, you might try to bring your husband closer to your children by telling him to stay home instead of going out with friends. Your husband might insist that he needs some time to himself.
He may become intolerant, rude or even mean because his need for free time is not being met. It’s this kind of scenario that often leads to marriage trouble.
Since you expect patience from your husband, you also expect him to forgive your sometimes awkward attempts to bring father and children together through “nagging”.
When your husband fails to be patient with you, your Ultimate Expectations are not met, your stress level can go through the roof and that's when the marriage trouble begins.
2) The ability to listen as if everything you say really matters.
You have sensitive emotions that are easily damaged by the smallest detection of negative voice inflection. To properly handle this condition, you want your husband to listen without judgment to everything you say; no matter how long it takes you to say it.
You want him to be sincerely interested in every subject you choose to talk about. If there is one thing men struggle with, it is listening to their wives talk about subjects that men could care less about, yet this is a serious need that women want their husbands to meet.
Poor communication is one of the leading causes of marriage trouble.
3) Compliments and encouragement about what you do, have done or are about to do.
You need positive, not negative feedback. You want your husband to look for the good in you, regardless of what you might be doing wrong. If you don’t receive positive encouragement from your husband, you’ll run into marriage troubles.
4) Complete emotional support for what you value in life.
If you come from a childhood home where your father abandoned or ignored you, unfortunately, you are forced to pay the price... along with your husband.
The price you pay is that you tend to be emotionally insecure and either put yourself down or put your husband down because of your past.
There are some exceptions to this. You can read about these in the special report titled "Your Invisible Lifestyle: Is it Helping or Hurting Your Marriage?"
This article is a message of hope for those with a troubled background. There is still much you can do to avoid marriage trouble in the future.
The information in this report will help you lessen the effect of your troubled background on your marriage.
A Man’s Ultimate Expectations of His Wife:
1) Staying just as sexy, playful and interesting as she was when you were dating.
When you’re entering marriage trouble, this Expectation is usually one of the first to go unfulfilled. It has much to do with the fact that as a man, you are physically wired to need sexual contact which keeps you going back to your wife for fulfillment.
But the problem is, your wife does not have this need for sexual contact like you do. Instead, she needs an emotional connection which requires acts of kindness, conversation, encouragement and a genuine interest in her. These are all the activities you did during the romance stage of your relationship, but that unnatural effort dried up quickly after the wedding and now you’re faced with marriage trouble.
Most men say to themselves, why work hard? Romance was work, but we’re married now. This is the mystery of romance vs. marriage. As a man, you want your wife to be as sexy, playful and interesting as she was when you were dating, but you don’t realize that it was YOU who stopped the kindness, conversation, encouragement and genuine interest in her that actually made her sexy, playful and interesting.
2) Time that is free of any domestic demands so you can do what you really love to do.
This is simply a man thing. Your wife doesn’t need very much time alone, but you do. Typically, your wife might treat you like you’re a woman and refuse to believe that you would ever want to be without her for any length of time.
If your wife understands this expectation, she’d ask if you’d like to plan some time with your friends, do your favorite hobby or just get away from daily responsibilities for a while. If she supports this need often, you’ll want to support her emotional needs in every way you can.
3) Compliments and encouragement about what you do, have done or are about to do.
If you are a man, you need even more encouragement than your wife does, but unlike your wife, you don’t hint around for it. You want your wife to tell you how good the things you’ve done in the past were and how good your present is and your future will be.
If your wife says she can’t do that because none of it is good, she is not meeting your need for encouragement. This often makes you resent your wife for not meeting this need. Resentment leads to marriage troubles.
The more your wife looks for the good in what you do, no matter how small (“Honey, I really like how organized you made your work bench.”), the more you will give her the emotional rewards in her Ultimate Expectations list.
4) Complete emotional support for what you value in life.
In the same way that your wife needed her father, you needed yours, but it’s for a different reason. You watched your father as he related to your mother and other women.
If you came from a home where your father respected women, enjoyed conversation with them, listened attentively and showed respect, it will be no problem for you to do the same and marriage trouble will not be an issue for you.
On the other hand, if your father lived for himself, ignored you and your mother and you didn’t really notice this when you were young, you will have a difficult time trying to go against this “model life” that your father gave you and marriage trouble will almost be inevitable.
The best resource for learning how to deal with clashing childhood value systems is the FREE special report titled "Your Invisible Lifestyle: Is it Helping or Hurting Your Marriage?"
To Solve Your Marriage Troubles – You Need To Know How to recognize when you’re on the Secret Path to Divorce…before it’s too late.
If you’re unhappy in your marriage, it’s because these expectations are not being met. You need to CLEARLY define your Ultimate Expectations to your spouse to avoid the possibility of unknowingly entering the Secret Path to Divorce.
In fact, after studying people for over 27 years, I’ve created a “map” that ALL couples travel when they are headed toward the “Secret Path to Divorce.”
So why is this path a SECRET?
Because MOST people don’t know about this little-known, yet CRITICAL information that is absolutely crucial to a successful marriage.
If they did know about it, we wouldn’t have the 50% (and climbing) divorce rate as we do today.
I know the information in the Secret Path to Divorce report will help you put your marriage troubles into perspective as it has for so many others.
So go ahead, start meeting your spouse’s expectations and end your marriage troubles today.
Labels: troubled marriages
To Those Threatened By Divorce
To: Those Threatened by Divorce
From: Mike McManus
Steps You Can Take To Save Your Marriage
Marriage Savers receives many requests for information by couples who want to save their marriages. Below is a summary of several strategies that have been proven to save most marriages. First, however, it might be helpful to those of you in pain to know some facts about marriage and divorce in America, and why it is worth fighting for your marriage. Your worst enemy at this stage is despair. Remember that your best ally is God Himself! As Malachi puts it, "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel." If you pray and take the practical steps outlined below, the Lord will help you restore your marriage.
Good News: Marriage is the Key to Happiness, Long Life, Wealth!
As Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher point out in their important book, The Case For Marriage, married people are healthier, happier, wealthier, live longer and have better sex than those who divorce or remain single. Oddly, this is news to our culture. Thus, secular evidence backs up Scripture. "The Lord God said, `It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him'" (Genesis 2:18). Selected data in brief:
Happiness: Married people are twice as likely as those who are single for whatever reason to say they are "very happy." Some 40% of married couples say they are very happy, compared to 15% of the separated, 18% of the divorced. What's surprising is that only 22% of the never-married and cohabitors are very happy, the same as widows.
Life: A married man at age 48 has an 88% chance of living till age 65, but a divorced man has only a 65% odds of survival! A woman aged 48 who is married has an 92% chance of living to age 65; but a divorced woman's odds are only 82%. Divorced men are twice as likely to suffer from heart attacks, cancer and four times as likely to be in automobile accidents or to commit suicide, reports J. J. Lynch in The Broken Heart.
Wealth: Married men earn 10%-40% more than single men with similar education and job histories, according to “Why Marriage Matters.” Married couples also accumulate more assets. According to The Case for Marriage, “On the verge of retirement (in 1994) the typical married couple had accumulated about $410,000 (or $205,000 per person) compared to about $167,000 for the never-married, just under $154,000 for the divorced, about $151,000 for the widowed, and just under $96,000 for the separated.”
Sex: "Married sex really is better sex," report Waite and Gallagher. "Married women are almost twice as likely as divorced or never-married women to have a sex life that (a) exists and (b) is extremely emotionally satisfying." Some 43 percent of married men had sex at least twice a week vs. only 26 percent of single men.
Marriage In America Is Disintegrating
Despite this good news, there has been an alarming disintegration of marriage in America:
Divorces tripled from 1960 and 1979, rising from 390,000 to 1,181,000. By 2006, they declined only 8.8% to 1,076,000. There were 42 million divorces from 1970 to 2006 shattering the lives of 40 million children.
A million children a year have seen their parents divorce since 1973
The marriage rate fell 50% between 1970 and 2006. There are only 2.2 million marriages a year, when there should be 3.3 million, if the same percentage of couples were marrying today as in 1970. Why?
Cohabitation skyrocketed 12-fold, from 430,000 in 1960 to 5.4 million living together in 2006. Cohabitation is the dominant way male-female unions are formed, not marriage.
Cohabitation is a double cancer of marriage. The first cancer is that for millions, cohabitation is a substitute for marriage. A quarter of unmarried women aged 25-39 are currently living with a partner, and an additional quarter have done so in the past. Yet what many call a "trial marriage" should be called a "trial divorce." The only question is whether they break up before the wedding or afterward. Of 100 couples who begin living together 40 break up before a wedding, according to the University of Wisconsin. One result: the number of never-married couples has doubled from 21 million in 1970 to 52 million in 2005, diverting 31 million from getting married at all. The second cancer is that cohabitation before marriage increases a couple's odds of divorce by 50%. First marriages divorce at a 45% rate. So instead of 45 of every 50 couples divorcing (22 couples), half again as many will do so (33 couples) – two-thirds will divorce. When added to the 45 couples who break up short of marriage, that’s an abysmal failure rate of 78 out of 100 “trial marriages,” as they are often called. Those who remarry after a failed marriage, have a 60% likelihood of divorce, whose odds are increased if they cohabit. Thus, only about a fifth of couples who begin cohabiting are still together after a decade!
Children of divorce suffer more than anyone from divorce. They are twice as likely as children with an intact family to drop out of school, three times more likely to have a baby out of wedlock, six times more likely to be in poverty or to commit suicide, and 12 times more likely to be incarcerated. Further, as Judith Wallerstein's powerful book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce, makes clear the impact of divorce on kids "grows at least into the third decade." Based on interviews of 100 children of divorce over 25 years, she reports that "From the viewpoint of the children, and counter to what happens to their parents, divorce is a cumulative experience. Its impact increases over time and rises to a crescendo in adulthood. In adulthood it affects personality, the ability to trust, expectations about relationships and ability to cope with change... Anxiety leads many into making bad choices in relationships, giving up hastily when problems arise, or avoiding relationships altogether." Only 60 of 100 children married, and 33 were already divorced.
Options To Strengthen or Save Marriages
The type of intervention depends in part upon the stage of difficulty you are in.
Moderate Problems: If the problems are poor communication and problem-solving, but where neither is considering divorce. We recommend Marriage Encounter, a weekend retreat that has been attended by 2.5 million couples, 80% of whom say it helped them to fall back in love, and to gain new respect for their spouse. A typical weekend is attended by about 20-30 couples at a weekend retreat at a motel led by three couples who tell intimate details of their marital growth. They then ask attendees to write to their spouse on an assigned subject, such as "What do I admire about you and our marriage?" "What feeling do I have that I find most difficult to share with you?" After writing, couples go to their motel room, read what each wrote and then talk. This part is utterly private. It is the exact opposite of sitting down with a therapist, and pouring your soul out to someone who doesn't know you at $100+ an hour. To learn of a Marriage Encounter near you call 1-800-795-LOVE (795-5683), or United Marriage Encounter - 1-866-483-8889.
Severe Problems: If divorce is being considered by one or both people. The best widespread answer is a program called Retrouvaille, a French word for Rediscovery, pronounced Ret-roo-vie. It is run like Marriage Encounter except that the leaders are couples whose own marriages nearly failed. These "back-from-the-brink" couples tell their own stories of recovery from adultery, alcoholism, etc. They then assign a topic for the couples to write on, and to discuss in private. Retrouvaille is so successful, it saves 80% of the worst marriages! More than 70,000 couples have gone and found the process inspirational. The couples leading the weekend are donating their time, as in Marriage Encounter. They are doing it for the most selfless of reasons. Their own marriage has been healed and they want to help others. To learn more, Call 800 470-2230. A couple leading the program will call and tell you when the next weekend near you will be held. Cost only a modest registration fee, but they do seek contributions by those who can afford it to pay for motel bills (about $300-$400). Those who can't afford the contribution do not pay.
In trying to persuade a spouse to go to Retrouvaille, expect resistance. One person is always a "dragee." As long as they go, it makes no difference. Four out of five marriages are saved. Knowing this, Marriage Savers suggests the willing partner say something like this: "I know you are unhappy now. But a research report by the University of Chicago of couples who were so unhappy that one or the other of them considered divorce -- if they lived their vows "for better or worse," and stuck together, saved their marriages; five years later, 86% of the once unhappy marriages report their marriage is healthy and happy! Retrouvaille provides a concrete strategy to rebuild the trust at a much expanded rate, of giving hope to the hopeless. Thus, it’s saving of four out of five marriages, is a reasonable gamble for building a marriage that is rewarding to both partners. (By contrast, therapists save less than 20% of troubled marriages according to Diane Sollee, director of Smart Marriages and former Associate Director of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.)
Say, "We have been married x number of years. I am asking you to give me one weekend to work at our marriage at a Retrouvaille weekend. If we succeed, that would be wonderful for both us and the kids. If not, we have only lost a weekend. What is the risk?"
The problem with Retrouvaille is that it is held in most cities only two or three times a year. Go to www.retrouvaille.org and click on weekends to see one which may be held within driving distance, at an earlier time than one in your city.
Crisis Marriage Alternative: While you are waiting to go to Retrouvaille or instead of going, Marriage Savers recommends another alternative: watch a DVD series, "Choosing Wisely…Before You Divorce," which saves more than half of marriages in crisis. It is a five-part series, best watched with a pastor, friend or mentoring couple who can help the couple talk through the issues. A Christian attorney in the first DVD says, "The worst thing you can do is to call an attorney. He will ask you to separate, stop talking to your spouse." He outlines the horror that divorcing couples go through legally. Other videos talk of the emotional and physical cost of divorce, and its impact on kids. Couples who actually separated or divorced outline what they did to reconcile. The package includes 5 45 minute DVD sections, two workbooks and a Leader’s Guide. The videos can be ordered for $65.50 by calling our offices, 301-469-5873, and can be paid for with a credit card. Pastors, therapists or Mentor Couples may prefer to order a Counselor’s Edition with three sets of workbooks for $102.
The Separated Couple: If there has been a separation, or a separation is not far off the person left behind who is trying to save the marriage, can take a course called "Marriage 911" in which a woman would ask a female friend, or a male, a male friend, to meet with the spouse an hour a week for 12 weeks. There is a Workbook for the separated spouse, and a Support Partner’s Manual so the friend knows what questions to ask each week. The cost for both is only $28 plus shipping. One part of the course is to read a chapter of Proverbs daily. The course uses the time of separation for personal and spiritual growth and helps the person rebuild a trust in God. The odds are better than 50-50 that the person who has run off will come back, realizing that a mistake has been made. If the person left behind has remained faithful to the marital vows, not dated, and rebuilt a self-confidence and a faith in God, he or she will be more attractive than ever to the errant spouse. Reconciliation happens 50%-70%. If you want to order the Marriage 911 set, call us at 301-469-5873.
Must Reading:
For the person fearful of divorce, Marriage Savers recommends a book by Michele Weiner Davis: The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. As Howard Markman, author of Fighting For Your Marriage, put it, "If you are thinking of divorce -- stop. Put the process on hold and read Michele’s book. It will give you both the hope and the tools that you can use to not only save your marriage, but to have a great love relationship over a lifetime." I would add that her seven steps are practical, not obvious, and a proven strategy to reconstruct a deeply troubled marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis outlines steps you can take to restore a marriage, even if your own partner is not interested in taking any steps. You can change the character of your marriage, by changing yourself.
A version of this book targeted at women, also by Michele Weiner-Davis, is called Getting Through To the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women. This book is particularly helpful to women, who file two-thirds of all divorces. Here is a typical paragraph:
"By blaming your partner and not seeing your own role in your relationship dilemma, you might inadvertently by pushing his buttons and bringing out the worst in him. Also, you’re so focused on his mistreatment of you, you start playing the blame game. You think he’s to blame, so you wait for him to change. He thinks you’re to blame, so he waits for you to change. In the meantime, nothing changes."
Michelle tells women how to take the initiative to end this stalemate. It empowers women to be marriage healers rather than marriage destroyers. Both of Ms. Davis’ books are available in any good bookstore or on Amazon.com.
For those couples with children, you must read Dr. Judith Wallerstein's landmark book, cited above, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In following 100 children of divorce for 25 years, she discovered most of these children grew up in families "where they experienced multiple divorces and remarriages of one or both parents" plus "many cohabitations and brief love affairs," with cataclysmic consequences. Children sadly concluded that ties between men and women "can break capriciously without warning," which gives them no confidence in building relationships with the opposite sex. Consequently, they are terrified of conflict and tend to explode or run away." By ages 28-43, only 60% of these children of divorce had married and many of them had already divorced. After Dr. Wallerstein appeared on "Oprah" the book was on the best seller list.
If adultery has been part of your marriage, Dr. Stephen Judah has written an important book, Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart. When a marriage is threatened by infidelity, all parties involved can become desperate. We’re tempted to look out only for ourselves, and the marital relationship is left hanging on for dear life. Judah explores both the phenomenon of infidelity, considering both the push of marital discord and the pull of sexual temptation. With a clear and helpful analysis of the relational science behind infidelity, he delivers a tested way back toward a meaningful marriage.
For the good news about marriage and its importance to every heterosexual person, I strongly recommend A Case for Marriage by Dr. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and Maggie Gallagher, a syndicated columnist. It proves conclusively that those who are married are far happier, healthier, wealthier and live far longer than those who are alone. If you have any doubt about the value of fighting for your marriage, this book is must reading. It can be found in any good bookstore.
For the person in a stepfamily, with children from a previous marriage, read Willing To Try Again by Dick Dunn. He has also written a Manual and prepared a CD with step-by-step help on how to create a Stepfamily Support Group that can save 80% of marriages that usually divorce at a 70% rate. To order either item visit our Online Resources page or call us at 301-469-5873. The price of Willing to Try Again is $12+ $2 postage and Developing a Stepfamily Ministry Kit is $38.
Marriage Savers: Helping Your Friends and Family Avoid Divorce is my major book which contains detail on each of the interventions outlined above. For example, Chapter 9 is about Marriage Encounter. Chapter 10 spotlights Retrouvaille and Chapter 11, Stepfamily Support Groups (among others). For those concerned about saving their marriage, the book will give you more information on these proven interventions and will help you to be persuasive to your spouse on why you should both go to Retrouvaille, for example. Chapter 2 offers detail on the consequences of divorce to both adults and children. The book also has three chapters for those who are not yet married, which make a case for chastity, for taking a premarital inventory and for being mentored by an older couple. It is an excellent book to give as a gift to a person you may be concerned about at a key stage of the marital life cycle. Marriage Savers also tells the story of how I began creating Community Marriage Policies® that are now in more than 200 cities and towns, which have brought down divorce rates in some of them by 50%.
George Gallup, the famous pollster wrote the Foreword, which begin with these eloquent words, "If a disease were to afflict the majority of a populace, spreading pain and dysfunction throughout all age groups, we would be frantically searching for reasons and solutions. Yet this particular scourge has become so endemic that it is virtually ignored. "
The scourge is divorce, an oddly neglected topic in a nation that has the worst record of broken marriages in the entire world. Divorce is a "root problem" in our country, and is the cause of any number of other social ills.
Marriage Savers has an Appendix which lists the names, phones, and addresses of 24 marriage ministries which can help couples at every stage of marriage. And it contains an Index to make it easy to find any information about marriage or divorce that may be of interest. It can be ordered for $15 + $3 postage by calling my office during office hours, and I will send a signed copy, if you ask for one. The book is out of print, unavailable in bookstores, but I have copies. Call 301-469-5873.
Insuring Marriage: 25 Proven Ways to Prevent Divorce is my short book, a parable version of Marriage Savers. Chuck Colson wrote the Foreword. It is only 112 pages long with about 800 words on each of 25 answers on how the reader can become a "Marriage Saver," someone who can transform their church from being a "wedding factory," into a place that prepares people for a lifelong marriage, strengthens existing ones, or saves troubled marriages. Each chapter is brief, the length of a newspaper column, which some of them once were, that summarize the most important ways to prevent divorce. If you have a daughter who is cohabitating, or a brother whose marriage is in trouble, you might want to buy this slender book and tell them which chapter to read. Its cost is only $6 + $1 postage. Again, it can be ordered from 301 469-5873.
Finally, any multiple orders (3 or more) of either Marriage Savers or Insuring Marriage will be sold at a 20% discount. I am passing on my discount as an author in order to help fuel the marriage movement. You could, for example, teach a Marriage Savers course giving potential Mentor Couples in your church the option of buying either book. We have produced a series of 6 videos and a 96-page Leader's Guide to Marriage Savers to make teaching easy. For more information on this Marriage Savers Resource Collection, see the Resources section of this Web Site.
Labels: troubled marriages
Marriage Problems? Three Signs Your Marriage May be in Trouble
The fact is all marriages, even very good marriages, have problems from time to time. Differences in personality will always mean differences in ideas and opinions. In a healthy strong relationship, problems are worked through and resolved. In a marriage that is struggling, even minor upsets can create major problems. Lets look at three areas that can signal bigger problems.
Lack of communication is a huge issue. It may be that communication is practically non-existent or that your communication skills are lacking. Either way, it spells trouble.
If your conversations rarely consist of anything more than the small talk you make with people you barely know, your communication is lacking. When was the last time you sat down and asked your spouse how they felt about any issue that was on your mind, and really listened to what they had to say?
If you seem to rehash the same issues over and over again, and never seem to find a solution, your communication skills could use some work.
One reason communication may be lacking, is not spending time alone together, which is the second sign of trouble in a marriage. Time alone together may also help the communication problems, because it is really hard to have a real meaningful conversation, if you never spend time together.
Talking to each other is such an important part of the marriage relationship. Many, many other problems can be directly linked back to lack of conversation.
Lack of physical intimacy is the third problem that is a sign of major trouble. Physical intimacy is the one thing that sets a marriage relationship apart from other relationships. Without, intimacy a marriage will suffer.
Most people equate physical intimacy with sex, but physical intimacy involves more than just the sex act. Any form of touching, cuddling, or caressing your spouse is a form of physical intimacy. If either of you, or both of you are avoiding physical intimacy, there is serious trouble in your marriage.
Lack of communication, time together, and physical intimacy are just signs of marriage problems. But, even if these signs exist in your marriage, there is hope to get your marriage back on track.
Labels: troubled marriages
Marriage Advice: What to Throw Overboard When Your Marriage Is In Trouble
By Nancy Wasson
When your marriage is in trouble and you’re fighting to keep it afloat, it’s time to throw anything that isn’t helping you overboard. You need all your wits about you to be able to handle the crisis and tackle the problems. Anything that’s an impediment or hindrance has to go.
During this time of confusion and stress, you only have a limited amount of energy and time, and you have to put those resources where they count the most. You don’t have time or energy to waste if you’re going to be successful in saving your marriage.
What do you need to consider throwing overboard? The following eight recommendations can help you to decide what to let go:
1. Release your need to be “right.” If you’re intent on winning arguments or proving that your partner is wrong, you are hurting your chances of creating a win-win situation in your marriage for you and your spouse. Does it really matter in the long run who’s “right” or “wrong”? Or is it more important to create a harmonious marriage where the opinions of both partners are respected?
2. Let go of worrying about what others think or say. No marriage is perfect, and if others find out or suspect that you’re having problems, don’t let that concern you. If they stay married long enough, they’ll eventually encounter problems, also, if they haven’t already. There’s a wonderful saying that I find helpful, “What you think of me is none of my business.”
3. Give up preconceived notions of how you should react in certain situations. Maybe you’ve always said that if your partner had an affair, you’d end the marriage. But each situation is different, and there’s not an across-the-board answer that fits every case. You’ll want to look carefully at your particular situation and the extenuating circumstances and then make a careful decision that’s right for you.
4. Throw out your demands to be in control. Life has a way of effectively teaching that you can protest all you want, but many things are out of your control and always will be. You can’t control what your spouse chooses to do or if others criticize your approach to saving your marriage. You can only control your own decisions and actions.
5. Toss out the temptation to tell others all of the juicy details of what’s happening or how your spouse has “done you wrong.” Be discrete in who you talk to and in what you say. Later, if you stay married, it may be difficult for family and friends to feel comfortable around the two of you if you’ve painted your partner as a “louse.” You can let others know that you’re going through a hard time and need their support without divulging every detail.
6. Release your need to handle everything on your own without outside help. It just makes good sense to use resources that are available, such as counseling. The objectivity and experience of a professional counselor can help you to explore your options and make a wise decision that’s right for you and your marriage. And everything will be kept private and confidential.
7. Let go of trying to make everything okay for everyone else. It’s not possible to please everyone, so that’s a losing battle. You can’t pretend you’re happy in your marriage just so your parents don’t get upset, and you can’t pretend everything is okay just so you don’t hurt your spouse. Sometimes the chips just have to fall where they fall and that’s it. Everyone else has to cope with it and adjust.
8. Give up the need to have others agree with your decision. It’s certainly easier when others agree, but it’s not necessary. Just because your best friend urges you to divorce due to your spouse’s affair, that doesn’t mean that’s necessarily the best decision for you. It’s your life, and you have to live with the consequences of your decisions and actions, so be sure that whatever you choose to do is what you really want.
Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Nancy_Wasson
Labels: troubled marriages
10 Reasons that Your Marriage May Be in Trouble
August 03, 2007 by A. Hermitt Recommend (17)Single pageFont SizeRead comments (4)
Signs You May Need to Find a Marriage Counselor
About a year ago, Associated Content writer Dmitri took a comical stab at "10 Wedding Day Signs That Your Marriage May Be in Trouble." The list included references to Vegas and people named Spears. While the list was amusing, marriage is a serious subject not to be taken lightly. There really are real signs that a marriage is in trouble. I would like to talk about them here.
1. Your marriage may be in trouble if you are not your old self. If you feel like a part of you has been left behind since you got married you could have a problem. Many people make the mistake of trying to become who their spouse wants them to be. Eventually they realize it and are afraid to change back or resent the other person. If you are in this situation, you need to focus on being true to yourself while communicating to your partner that you do not like the changes in yourself. If your relationship is healthy, they will support you. If they do not want you to be your true self, then you have deeper issues.
2. Your marriage may be in trouble if your arguments are stupid. If you fight over things that used to be cute then you are nitpicking over small issues to avoid the big issues. Take the time to sit and think about what the big issues are and work them out.
3. Your marriage may be in trouble if you do not get mad at them anymore. You would think this was a good thing, but if you do not get mad because you really do not care, you have problems. Anger shows you care. Indifference shows you are willing to walk away.
4. Your marriage may be in trouble if you hide things you purchase. Money is one of the biggest reasons for marital issues. If you are hiding your purchases, then you are buying things you know the other person will have a problem with. If they will have a problem with ANYTHING you purchase, then you need counseling.
5. Your marriage may be in trouble if one of you has a confidant. If one of you has someone who you call to share triumphs, hopes, and dreams with, then they are usurping your place as your spouse's friend. This is especially problematic if the person is the opposite sex or is a new acquaintance.
Labels: troubled marriages
Ten Warning Signs to Tell if Your Marriage is in Trouble
November 08, 2005 by Jasmine Starr Recommend (156)Single pageFont SizeRead comments (30)
We often stay in relationships that aren't healthy for us. Sometimes emotionally abusive or physically abusive. Many women live everyday in unhealthy relationships because of many reasons. Some women are afraid to leave, some are telling theirselves it's their own fault, and some just plain out believe that nothing is wrong with the relationship. Many women are brainwahsed to believe that a marriage is suppose to work a certain way. No two marriages are the same, but no marriage should have any kind of abuse in it. Here are ten warning signs that your marriage is in trouble.
1. When you are not around your partner you act more confident and in control. For instance at work or around your friends.
2. You feel like your partner treats you worse than you treat him.
3. You allow yourself to be treated with less love than you deserve and that makes you angry, but you can't stop it.
4. To avoid upsetting your partner, you tip toe around him and are careful of what you say.
5. You often take up for your partner to friends, family and yourself.
6. If you have negative feedback or opinion, you do not feel safe telling your partner.
7. You feel that you have to work hard to convince your partner that you are worthy of love and affection.
8. You hesitate to ask your partner for things you need and want.
9. You tend to become more loving towards your partner when he is in a bad mood and isn't loving towards you, in hopes of winning him over.
10. You feel that your partner doesn't treat you with respect at all.
If all these signs fit you then you should really think about seeking professional help or getting out. You more than likely have a very low self esteem and don't feel worthy of love. If you are in a relationship that involves the things above then you are settling for less than you deserve. I don't care who you are, no one deserves to feel or be treated this way in a marriage. There are many support groups out there for women who live in these types of marriages.
Labels: troubled marriages
Is Your Marriage In Trouble?
by Darlene Smith, B.S.W., M.C., Vancouver, Washington
DIVORCE IS HAPPENING FAR TOO OFTEN. AND IT ISN’T ANY LONGER "OUT THERE." IT’S IN HERE AMONG US, IN OUR CHURCHES. MARRIAGES THAT START OUT WITH HIGH HOPES AND WONDERFUL GOALS SOMEHOW OVER A PERIOD OF TIME COME UNGLUED. TAKE A FEW MOMENTS AND CHECK THE WARNING SIGNALS FOR YOUR LIFE.
Tom sat in my office trying to keep his tears in check. "Looking back," he said, "I can see where Mary was trying to tell me our marriage was in trouble, but I wasn’t listening. I was too involved in my work, and now I’m afraid it’s too late."
Over the years I have heard numerous variations of Tom’s story and pain. Marriages seldom fall apart overnight. Almost always there are warning signals if you’re willing to acknowledge them.
CHECK THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS THAT APPLY TO YOUR MARRIAGE. (NAMES ARE FICTITIOUS.)
1. You want more time away from your spouse, even when you are in the same house.
2. You share fewer feelings with your spouse because he/she wouldn’t understand or care.
3. You and your spouse rarely touch except sexually.
4. You have become very critical of your spouse – to her/him, to your children, to others, and/or to yourself.
5. You are carrying resentments toward your spouse. Things that take place in the present add to things that you haven’t resolved from the past.
6. You think of former romantic relationships and feel you would have been happier if you had married one of them.
7. You don’t make plans to spend special time with your spouse. The two of you mostly sit at home watching TV, reading, etc.
8. You complain about your marriage to your friends and/or a parent.
9. You aren’t keeping yourself up, i.e., by exercise, cleanliness, dressing attractively, or controlling your weight.
10. You make hurtful "jokes" about your spouse in front of him/her when others are present.
11. When you and your spouse do talk, the subjects are usually money and children and who is going to do what around the house.
12. More and more you find yourself attracted to members of the opposite sex.
13. You compare your spouse to others of the opposite sex, and others usually come out ahead.
14. When your spouse tries to talk to you about something that is wrong, you repeatedly tune him/her out.
15. You cope with life with compulsive behaviors such as over-eating, overworking, over involvement in church activities (or alcohol, drugs, etc.)
16. You customarily share your deepest feelings with a close friend rather than with your spouse.
17. You rarely compliment or show appreciation to your spouse.
18. Most of your free time is spent in activities that don’t include your spouse.
19. You and your spouse bicker and argue over small things, or your "discussions" frequently escalate into major fights.
20. You feel your spouse should do things your way. You try to change your spouse into whom you want him/her to be.
21. You avoid being alone with your spouse. You are more comfortable when others are present.
22. You have sexual fantasies about other members of the opposite sex.
23. You spend considerable time and share your feelings with a member of the opposite sex.
24. When you and your spouse fight, on occasion one (or both of you) throw things, break things, or slaps or hits the other.
25. You dress or behave in ways to attract the opposite sex.
ADD YOUR CHECK MARKS. IF YOU CHECKED:
1-3 items You have a strong marriage. Work on the areas you checked.
4-8 items Your marriage is showing signs of deterioration. Pay attention and work on those areas that need improvement.
9-12 items Your marriage is in trouble. You are on your way to a dead marriage. Do something now or your marriage will most likely slip into the next category. Find a good marriage therapist, attend marriage seminars or read books about strengthening your marriage. Let your spouse know that saving your marriage is very important to you.
13+ items Your marriage is in CRISIS! You may still be able to save it, but it will take a huge commitment and a lot of hard work. Your marriage is dying and only emergency care will save its life. Get help immediately or it will be too late.
God instituted the loving, nurturing institution of marriage during creation week, which indicates how important the marriage relationship is to Him. He will do everything possible, in partnership with you, to strengthen or restore your marriage. Take your struggling or broken relationship to Him. He cares!
If you checked items 12 and/or 22-25, your marriage is in the Crisis category.
Labels: troubled marriages
Top 7 Warning Signs Your Marriage is in Trouble
By Cathy Meyer, About.com
See More About:extra-marital affairslegal separationthe divorce process
In most divorces, one spouse is caught off guard by the delivery of divorce papers. That is why it pays, to pay attention to what is going on in your marriage. Getting comfortable with the status quo and taking things for granted is one of the biggest mistakes married couples make. Below is a list of warning signs of a marriage in trouble.
1. You no longer, have anything in common.
Do you and your partner spend hours together under the same roof, at social engagements or performing routine errands, yet rarely engage in meaningful conversation? Living in silence is a primary symptom of major marital problems.
2. You can do no right.
Do you feel like your every action is being watched and criticized by your partner? Can you do no right in their eyes? Do you feel intimidated or afraid because of your partners constant criticism? Too often partners will funnel larger relationship issues into negative criticism of day-to-day tasks.
3. You are the last to know.
Is you partner no longer sharing information with you about his career, personal problems or personal achievements? Is your partner sharing this information with a friends and family and you hear it second hand? When you become the last to know important information there has been a huge breakdown in communication.
4. A change in appearance.
Over time, your comfort level will inevitably end that desire to look "perfect" for every encounter with your partner. However, a drastic decline in personal appearance and hygiene by your spouse could be a sign of they no longer care or, are happy in the marriage.
5. Looking for distractions from the problems.
If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.
If the television is on constantly, you both sit with your face buried in a book or you always have something else that needs to be done there may be a problem. It is common for individuals to find such distractions to avoid dealing with a troubled marriage.
6. Arguing over the same subject repeatedly.
If your arguments become routine with all the same issues and no resolution, then your marriage is either standing still or dying fast. You may need the assistance of a professional counselor to help find solutions to the problems that don’t seem to go away.
7. Intimacy is a thing of the past.
A considerable decline in physical affection is one of the most recognized symptoms of a failing relationship. Intimacy is the act that allows us to bond as husband and wife. If your partner is showing no or very little interest in intimacy with you then they are showing little concern for their emotional bond with you as a husband/wife.
Labels: troubled marriages
