The Secret Ingredient for a Better Marriage

The Secret Ingredient for a Better Marriage


Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Corey Allan of Simple Marriage.

As you progress through a marriage, or any committed relationship, routine is bound to dictate a lot of what happens. As the glitz and glamour of romance subside, daily schedules, obligations, kids, and chores take over.

Routine becomes such a factor in life that I’d be willing to bet you could accurately predict your spouse’s schedule of interaction with you throughout the week. And they could do the same with you.

Life is often lived predictably because when you get right down to it, you’d rather live life in your comfort zone than step out into the uncertainty of true life and relationship design. Change is scary. I get it. But change should not be debilitating. It pains me to say this, but many people will choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

If you’d like to break out of the routine and change a few things in your relationship, it’s easier than you think. Here’s the secret ingredient: a touch of spice.

Start small. Break a few of the patterns and see what happens. I think you’ll be surprised at the results.
Change up the seating chart at meal times. If your family has sit down meals together, there is probably assigned seating that has evolved over the years. Dad sits here, mom there, and so on. Try sitting in a different seat.
Give up your chair in the living room. This same seating principle applies to TV watching furniture. I have a recliner that is assumed by my family to be mine. Give it up and sit on the couch or some other chair for a while.
Sleep on the other side of the bed. Same principle, perhaps a bit more closely guarded however. Try it. See what happens.
Assume different household responsibilities. You may be the one who takes out the trash, does the dishes, or laundry, puts toys away, or maybe all of the above. Try doing something you typically don’t do during the week. Mow the yard. Make the bed. Whatever. Just do something your spouse would usually take care of.
Ask your spouse out on a date. Actually call them up. Ask them out. Dress for a date. Show up at the front door. Bring flowers. Hold the door for them. Who knows where this idea could lead.
Have a good make out session. Not every physical connection must lead to sex. Spend some time making out with your spouse. Kiss each other slowly. Enjoy each other. For added spark, try this during a movie at the theater, or outside under a tree.
Talk about your unhappiness. I’m a big advocate for honesty. Too often we expect our spouse to read our mind or sense that there’s something wrong. Speak up. Tell them what’s going on with you. A word of caution however. Tell them what you’re feeling and thinking, not what’s wrong with them. Anyone who feels attacked will respond defensively and be less open to seeking solutions.
Initiate sex. Inevitably routine will creep into your sex life. It’s his responsibility to initiate sex. Or hers. It’s brought up the same way. Starts the same. Follows the same routine. Even ends the same. If you are the one who initiates sex the least, initiate more. If you’re the other side of the equation, slow down. More than likely, you both would enjoy better quality sex rather than simply more sex.
Try eyes open sex. Sex is the one time we can be closest to another person physically while staying miles apart mentally and emotionally. If you typically keeps your eyes closed while kissing, during foreplay, and during sex, open them up. Engage your lover throughout the encounter. Look them in the eye. Let them see you. Interested in more on this idea? Go here.
Read more about experiencing more in marriage and life in Corey’s new book A Simple Marriage, available today. Or head to Simple Marriage and read more.
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72 brilliant comments
Wojciech @ Fiscal Fizzle April282009 at 7:58 pm
Fantastic! I’ve noticed our own family taking the same spots at dinner night after night, and actually “switched things up” a few weeks ago. It felt extremely strange at first, like I was being plucked from my natural habitat, but after a minute it was amazing what a simple change in seats does to your perspective.

Great advice here!

Eric Hamm | Motivate Thyself April282009 at 7:58 pm
The dating thing is so common when it comes to marriages. It’s so easy for the guy to lose the desire to go out on dates, yet it’s so very important as you’ve pointed out.

Thanks for this great advice! So, so important for couples! :-) Eric

Dan Miranda April282009 at 7:58 pm
Marriage is very important, but I don’t think I’m going to need this tip any time soon. (Though I’m sure I’ll be referring to it in ten years ;)

Free Women's Fitness April282009 at 7:58 pm
Great article! All true. I really hope my partner is reading this!

Addie

Baker @ ManVsDebt April282009 at 7:59 pm
Assuming different household abilities has been crucial for happiness in our young marriage. When my daughter was born I sold my real estate business to stay home with her for the first 8 months of her life, while my wife went back to school as a teacher.

While it was certainly a traditional role reversal, it was one of the best decisions we ever made. Stepping outside you comfort zone in this area can really work wonders!

Fantastic post!

The Daily Minder April282009 at 7:59 pm
Dan. LOL. Shouldn’t you be at school? I am surprised by the hours you “work”.

TDM

Lisis | Quest For Balance April282009 at 8:01 pm
You are so right; it really doesn’t take much to make things feel a little different and a whole lot better. I once saw a show in which the marriage counselor told the couple to kiss for one minute every single day. This one small addition to their day made them feel so much closer and more intimately connected.

Who knew the power of a simple kiss? ;-)

Vered - MomGrind April282009 at 8:02 pm
We once tried sleeping on the other side of the bed. Couldn’t do it. We’re so boring. :(

Bamboo Forest - PunIntended April282009 at 8:03 pm
I like this idea of mixing things up. I’m not married - but it sounds reasonable and effective.

Jake | Revive Your Life April282009 at 8:08 pm
Hi Corey,

You present some really great tips here. Sustaining a marriage can been difficult, especially when the stresses of everyday life begin to add up.

In general, I think it helps to resort back to the things that you did as a couple when the relationship was just starting out. Usually, that means acting like a gentlemen again and becoming a great listener. Break out of the rut and mix it up a bit…you might just surprise your spouse and yourself!

Thanks again for the great ideas.

Greg at Live Fit April282009 at 8:19 pm
Be passionate. I don’t mean the nervous, afraid to lose them passion, but the enduring, always there for you “romantic love.”

My wife is the love of my life. Each morning before I leave I kiss her. The first thing I do when I get home is kiss her as well. When we talk on the phone, we always end each conversation with “I love you.”

Romeo, I am not. But I hope each and every day my wife knows that she’s loved. Even when we argue.

Ross April282009 at 8:33 pm
All great points. I think point 7 about openness and understanding each other is overlooked but easier to achieve than most people think.

Just talking to your partner, straight up, about what makes him/her happy and then telling them what makes you happy - so easy, but so important!

Great post
Ross

Bryant April282009 at 8:34 pm
Being youthful and naive is beautiful–eventually experience will teach you the way of the world…
have a good lawyer and trust but verify—
when it comes to emotion only a fool will follow without due dillegence

Adam Steer - Better's Better April282009 at 8:52 pm
All great ideas! My wife and I have been together for 19 years (more than half of my life). There is no way you can live in perfect harmony with someone for that long. Each of you must diverge and converge periodically in your growth process. There is one piece of advice that has always stuck with me and made the periods of divergence lead seamlessly back to convergence:

Love is a verb, not a noun.

Love the one you’re with…

Cheers,
Adam

Jennifer Izzo April282009 at 8:58 pm
You forgot to add…don’t let your mother-in-law move in with you!

Marc and Angel Hack Life April282009 at 9:02 pm
We always mix things up. ;-)

Great advice Corey!

Liz April282009 at 9:06 pm
Sleep on the other side of the bed? It has taken my husband and I aobut 20 years to get used to even having another person in the bed! We both walk and talk in our sleep, and will scare each other half to death in the middle of the night.

My stubborn teenage son guards his place at the table like a hawk. My hubby and I would LIKE to be able to just sit where ever we want, but we’ve been forced into a strict seating arrangement by the boys. Ditto for who sits where when we are watching a movie. Sometimes its just not worth fighting about.

Might be able to try some of these other ideas, though…
I believe there’s a fine line in marriage between keeping your own identity, but not becoming so independent that you find you don’t need your spouse.

Alison | Quest for Balance April282009 at 9:11 pm
Not that I’m a fan of dwelling on the negative, but I think that sharing your unhappiness with your spouse (#7) can make you feel closer, feel understood, and help you get through the tough times. Celebrating your happiness together is also important!

RechargeYourMind April282009 at 9:31 pm
Corey,

Good points. I really think small unexpected things can do wonders. Giving flowers once a while, bringing home her favorite dinner, giving a hug when she least expects it e.t.c

Christopher April282009 at 9:36 pm
These are all great.

My secret? Simple. Don’t take the other for granted.

Also, TALK about stuff.

Tabita April282009 at 9:41 pm
Great tips! Also, surprising your significant other with a “It’s all about you” day can be fun. Bring breakfast in bed, do their chores, let them pick the activity for the day, cook their favorite dinner, etc. They’ll never see it coming!

Joe April282009 at 9:57 pm
I really liked the idea of switching up the seating arrangements at dinner - I feel like it’s a nice, easy way to change the perspective enough to make things feel new and different.
As far as talking about unhappiness, I agree completely, but talking about the things your partner does that make you happy has an even stronger effect, as long as what you say really comes from the heart. A small, honest compliment here and there go a long way towards making your partner feel loved and appreciated!

Casual Encounters April282009 at 10:20 pm
All these ideas are trite.

You need to keep being inspired by one another. You need to keep being an interesting person, develop yourself, get new interests, don’t stay the same person you were when you met.

Encourage the same thing in your partner. When someone asks, how can you stay married to the same person for 30 years (or whatever), reply, I’m not.

Sherri (Serene Journey) April282009 at 10:42 pm
Hey Corey,

Great ideas! Gwynn and I love date night but we don’t do it as often as we’d like to (our own fault). But I really like your additional tips of calling and asking, bringing flowers etc…that’s awesome!

Some nights after the kids are in bed we like to pour a glass of red wine and just sit around and talk. We talk a lot. After a really long chat we feel really united, like it’s us against the world it’s awesome! :)

Thanks for all your other fresh ideas as well and congratulations on the release of your book that’s fantastic! :) All the best.

Corey - Simple Marriage April282009 at 11:08 pm
@Casual encounters- I completely agree with your idea. Marriage or any committed relationship is about becoming a better person. As you do that, you present a better self to your partner to choose. We don’t same the same as we go through life. Why not be better people?

Tristan Rayner | The New Man Of Action April282009 at 11:39 pm
@ Casual Encounters - I agree whole heartedly.

These suggestions here are all niceties, and you definitely should be making out more and doing different things to the same old same old. It’s no secret ingredient though, and it won’t build or further develop your relationship and the bond you have between each other.

This comes from developing as both an individual and as a couple.

Ben Johnson April292009 at 1:02 am
@Casual Encounters @Tristan Rayner -
“Start small. Break a few of the patterns and see what happens.”

To suggest these ideas are “trite” or “niceties” seems to be missing the point. Starting small is great advice for breaking habits that have developed over a long period of time. These small steps often help to overcome the fear of change, which can grow quietly in even the healthiest-looking long-term relationships.

Nobody is inspiring their entire life. Everyone gets lost every now and then. The ability to keep a relationship going through tough times is invariably going to develop you as an individual as well as strengthening your relationship with each other. Be careful not to be continually looking outside of the relationship for ways to make it better.

What if you were on a desert island?

Personal Development April292009 at 1:12 am
Heard something new here which is worth trying. I guess the intent of the post was to cover major ones and the one’s which are different. The one which are general and known by everyone makes the post stale.

Nice article. thanks for the post.

Tristan Rayner | The New Man Of Action April292009 at 1:17 am
@Ben Johnson

I find it ironic that the message I agree with comes from someone called Casual Encounters and who has a webpage which seems to explore that very option. I may have a slightly dodgy ally!

Anyway- your comment is true, and is true of anything, not just relationships. Fear of change is entirely real, and has been explored for years, as well as on this site.

Taking small steps, or chipping away at smaller tasks and avoiding looking at the often overwhelming big picture is a great way to start.

Change is to be embraced - it’s just that the ideas that start the change mentioned here are not inspiring, or secrets to a better marriage. They’re just things to try and avoid being stuck in a rut.

The problem is, to really engage again, you need to remember that once you were interesting, and that your relationship together was interesting. This might take more than sleeping on the other side of the bed for a night.

Jeff Lee April292009 at 3:30 am
Tips 5-9 are pretty good. I’m really not sure about 1-4 though.

Steve Otto | Ubervice April292009 at 8:07 am
You touched a little on this in #7 (Talk about your unhappiness) - but communication overall. My wife is the love of my life and I would do anything for her, but she doesn’t always know this unless I tell her. Without her constantly hearing me tell her, its easy for her to start to wonder. Learn your spouse’s love language. Tell them how you feel. We all need to hear it - often.

maryann April292009 at 8:19 am
Actually, I disagree with this advice. I like the comfort of routines. In my own chaotic life, where nothing ever seems to go as planned, I treasure the litttle “ruts” that we have.

Swine flu may be coming, our 401’s may have tanked, and our jobs may be on the line, but at least we can count on the same seats at the table, hubby’s dibs on the recliner, and fish on Fridays. :)

pril April292009 at 8:50 am
Finally something i’m ahead on the game! we do all of this and we are not married yet but almost 4 years together and I couldn’t agree more..
also to ad. the little things mean nothing yet they mean so much!
always so your passion either through a little note left on a pillow..

as for someone stated in your comments they like their chair as they bring up a good point however your not stating to do this forever once a month even to switch things up not only is this good for marriage it’s also good for self! makes you feel more allive if you ask me!

step out of your comfort zone at least 1 a week!

Rob April292009 at 8:55 am
I also think a big way to switch things up is to tell your spouse WHY you love them instead of just the usual, “I love you”. It tends to lose its meaning without any backing support. It doesn’t even have to be deep or profound. A simple, “I love that you like the same music I do”, or, “I love that you are giving”, or, “I love your earlobes”. Just a little more thought into the mundane “I love you” goes a LONG way!!

Dan - FFtT April292009 at 8:57 am
Communication has been the key to a better marriage for my wife and I. But it doesn’t stop there, it has also been boon for both of our self esteem and our personal happiness.

I’ll have to try out some of the ideas this week, but #3 isn’t going to happen. I don’t think either of us could even fall asleep on the “wrong” side of the bed.

Chuck April292009 at 8:59 am
Casual Encounters seems to be a link-seeking troll.

Allena April292009 at 9:24 am
Yeah, I’m sorry but these are over-advised suggestions straight out of Ladies Home Journal. I guess they’re not meant to build a marraige on, but why not go all out? Why go small? Is small really the answer with a 50% divorce rate>

I’m in a long happy marriage because we get OUT of the day to day on a regular basis. Unfortunately, what happens is that the person about whom you are passionate HAS to morph into your co-director, co-chaperone, co-cleaner, co-parent, right-hand man, blah blah YAWN. It’s such a pervasive arc that most marriages take that small things aren’t going to save any of us (I guess I’m talking about parents/households here)

I feel my loong, passionate 11 year relationship is due to the fact that we totally abdicate from all these things: diapers, carpool, etc as often as possible. We throw up are hands, park the kids at grandmas, and GET AWAY from all this mundane in order to remember that first sprak, that passion, that obsession that began it all.

GO BIG!

Cody Dream-Life-Coaching April292009 at 10:02 am
It’s ego and pride that are the real killers in any relationship, the more you can accept your spouse for who they are without need to chance them, the more successful the relationship will be and the more peace you will have.

Prinitha April292009 at 10:06 am
To Greg At LiveFit: All i can say is that ur wife is one lucky lady. And yes, this is a great post. Many comments above make mention of talking, of communicating. I wish my husband did more of it, and in a way that i didn’t feel attacked; guess i would have reacted a lot differently in the past and we would have a stronger marriage today, one where he didn’t feel he needed to turn to another for comfort.

Cherie April292009 at 10:25 am
I think one important thing was missed on the list. Give your partner some alone time to do something they want to do. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship is give the other person some of their own time.

Debra April292009 at 10:28 am
For whatever reason, there is a certain amount of comfort to following a routine. My father probably dislikes change more than any one I know. I once saw him go over to the sink and actually wash a bowl (and my dad never washes dishes) because he didn’t want to eat his cereal from a different bowl!

I think it’s really good to change up the routine. It generates a certain energy. However, some habits should never change. My husband and I still kiss every day, hold hands every day, and say “I Love You”. We’ve been married for 17 years and those are 3 habits we do regularly. : )

pam at beyondjustmom April292009 at 10:50 am
I love how these simple shakeups can make a big difference. Thanks for giving us some ideas that are easy to work into real life.

Corey - Simple Marriage April292009 at 10:52 am
@Cherie- Spending time apart is a great thing to incorporate into marriage. It allows for you to follow you own passions as well as creates some energy for the times you are together. Thanks for adding to the discussion.

Heather April292009 at 11:52 am
@maryann–I find that I enjoy routine far more than my husband does. You may find that switching things up keeps up the excitement for him.

Leah April292009 at 12:08 pm
I’d just like to point out that this article is hetero-centric, and that more inclusive language could be used, both for legally married gay couples and couples who don’t yet have this privilege.

Make Money On Line April292009 at 12:32 pm
These tips are very important for marriage these tips can help so many people I’m not married yet but if I was I would use these, to help me GREAT post!

Todd @ The Personal Finance Playbook April292009 at 12:46 pm
I really like this post. My wife and I have been married for just over a year, and things are still at a point where they are really easy. We both know it won’t always be like it is now. When we hit a lull, I’ll make sure we try some of these tips. Thank you.

Debra April292009 at 1:06 pm
Discovering something new together can also be great fun even if it’s just a weekend trip or taking up a new hobby.

Evie April292009 at 1:36 pm
I just got back from a 2 week trip back to the States to visit my relatives, speak my language, and eat my food, while my honey stayed home doing his thing in Argentina, where we both live. Being separated for a couple of weeks, but in contact by telephone and email helps keep things fresh. We´re always really glad to see each other when we´re reunited…not that we´re not glad at the end of everyday :-)…it´s just that absence can make the heart remember who it’s fond of.

Lurker Smith April292009 at 1:45 pm
@ Chuck — YEP! You are right!

How disappointing….

janice April292009 at 1:50 pm
thank you for these tips. I’ve read other guest posts by you and like your style.

After 25 years with the same guy, I’m not even sure any more what it is we do to keep evolving, but we must be doing something right. It’s like playing the guitar; the right hand and the left are working together seamlessly. The odd argument highlights our unmet needs, but we have great soul searching conversations afterwards.

I think the secrets for us are the old clichés; my husband and I are best friends and we both had no expectations that being in a lifelong marriage would be like the first hours of falling in love or the first few months of being in love.

Hayden Tompkins April292009 at 1:58 pm
Yes DO take your wife out for a date! I love love love these tips.

P.S. You crack me up, Dan Miranda.

Patricia April292009 at 3:07 pm
Just great! I’ve tried them all throughout my 26 years happy marriage! I’ll add Choose yourselves everyday,Share activities,Be best friends,Do a different thing for a change,Surprise each other.Thanks for the post

Steve @ Freedom Education April292009 at 3:27 pm
Hey Corey -

Great post! I especially love your points:

#6. Have a good make out session.
#8. Initiate sex.
#9. Try eyes open sex.

I don’t mean to be poking fun either. I’ve been practicing each of these and I have found that my creative juices have literally skyrocketed in other areas of my life as well. I find it easier to journal, blog, coach and engage in creative conversations. I guess being creative in nature is more than just sex.

thanks for such a great post!

Tiffany Joiner April292009 at 3:31 pm
Great nuggets of wisdom. My little family has a routine of course but a couple of days ago I ironed my own clothes and boy did it feel weird. I try to initiate sex but as our lives continue to change my mood changes as well. Sad to say but things have to be in order before I give him the okay. I have tried not caring and being spontaneous and it has worked wonders. Of course since its spontaneous we appreciate those moments even more.

Erin Slusher April292009 at 3:36 pm
Tell your spouse how much you appreciate them. Tell them it is a joy to share your lifetime together and you would not want to go through the blessing or the hardships, or child raising with anyone else.

The love that takes you to the alter is not the same love that gets you to the golden anniversary. That love must grow deeper and richer each day. It only does that when you nurture and keep it strong.

Kim McGinnis April292009 at 4:35 pm
Corey,
Good suggestions. Marriage requires remembering why you got married in the first place - hopefully it was for the right reasons.

My husband is also my partner in business and we work at home. We work hard at not getting into a routine, and so far it’s working.

Nate @ Money Young April292009 at 5:33 pm
I think the eyes open sex would be weird, I’ll have to give it a try.

Then again I only have a gf and not a wife.

-Nate

Casual Encounters April292009 at 6:24 pm
As if a link-seeking troll would make that sort of an effort with a comment. Link-seeking trolls use mindless robot zombie slaves to do their heavy lifting.

I’m just a guy with an I-think-considered opinion on this topic who happens to work for an adult dating website/blog.

The ideas stated are trite and mutual personal development is the real key to long-term relationship Win. Not diddling with dinner seating arrangements or changing the side of the bed you sleep on. (Oh check it! The “link-seeking troll” actually READ THE ARTICLE.)

Stay awesome.

Erin Slusher April292009 at 6:25 pm
After 30 years of marriage to the same man I suggest:

Open eyed sex, hallway sex, kitchen table sex, before and after dinner. Just keep up the intimate physical contact. Never let it go so long in between that you forget whose turn it is to be tied up. Have fun together!

SOL April292009 at 6:30 pm
I love the ideas about breaking out of routine. Complacency can become a disease in a relationship. Good tips in general!!

Andrea April292009 at 6:34 pm
I’d like to add #10: Laugh together. If I had to pick one thing that’s kept my wife and I strong and happy in our marriage, it’s laughter. Even when life takes a not-so-occasional turn into “oh my god, what is it now?” territory, we find something to laugh about, and we feel better. I highly recommend it.

Julia April292009 at 7:07 pm
I agree w/Erin Slusher, you must appreciate your spouse and tell them so, also thanking them for doing things.

About the dating thing, that sounds great, just don’t go to Home Depot on the date. My husband and I are working on this. Time is not on our side sometimes and we kind of cram stuff, yes even into our date. So we are not doing this anymore. We are trying to get the sparks back, especially after 18 yrs, it can get uninspired.

With all the stuff going on in the world, I realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful spouse, quirks and all.

Thank you for the post.

isho21 April302009 at 11:44 am
Good advice! Thanks for the post.

My wife and I regularly plan “date nights” that can be anything from going out to dinner, the movies, or a quiet night in - but focusing on each other. Great way to keep your relationship front and center.

Looking forward to more posts!

John V. April302009 at 12:40 pm
After being married for 24.9 years, I can tell you that we still say “love you” at the end of every phone call and when we leave for work in the morning. We still do a lot of things together, but also allow each other to do things “with the girls” or “with the boys” without getting jealous our pouting over it. It’s all about balance. There is some of the “lights off / eyes closed” sex, but there is still a little “sex in the hallway, sex in the kitchen, sex out on the deck (late at night and only when it’s really dark)” just like newlyweds. Even if we’re only going over to the auto parts store I won’t dress like a bum, but mainly it is to impress her and to keep her proud of me in case we run into one of her friends that I haven’t met yet, and she wants to introduce me. Again, it is all about balance and respecting the other person. And don’t for a minute think that we live some charmed fantasy life with no stress and no problems. We’ve had more than our fair share of health problems, job problems, miscarriages, etc. but still remain as strongly in love as we were years ago, if not stronger. In John 15:13 the Bible states: “No one has greater love than this, that one should lay down his life for his friends.” If both of us in the relationship try our best to always think of the other person’s feelings, wants and desires, then life for both of us will be so much better. It is when we become selfish and are always wrangling for the better seat, the last cup of coffee, or the better looking plate for ourselves that we fail. Miserably.

Law of Success May12009 at 4:35 pm
Some great points here.. another way to keep a successful relationship is to try and do new and exciting things with your partner.. Try registering in a course together.

Adventurous Wench women's travel May32009 at 12:27 am
Good tips Corey! Allow me to add another one:

Take adventurous trips together! It doesn’t have to be a travel around the world thing. :-)

better marriage May52009 at 8:12 am
to have a better marriage usually just out from the routine and do something different . simple tips and worth to try.

Laurie May52009 at 3:08 pm
Great points Corey! It’s never too late to improve your marriage. After being married for 25 years, the hub and I are in a better place than ever before. We are enjoying our relationship more than ever.

Corey, your workbook rocks! Thanks for offering it!

Art May292009 at 12:35 am
Learn a new skill together. Like cooking. And give more BJs.

Swas June122009 at 3:36 am
“Talk about your unhappiness”, I like that. I and my wife always try to understand to each other, and I think it is the main key to have better marriage.

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