I would never think the earliest memories of my childhood would start out with a feeling a betrayal and shame

I would never think the earliest memories of my childhood would start out with a feeling a betrayal and shame.
I was only 9 when my own cousin who I trusted and adored molested me. I used to look up to him and think he was great because he made me feel special and gave a lot f attention to me. My older brother and I used to go there every afternoon to play videogames. My cousin would always get up and leave early...when he would get up the stairs he would call me upstairs. I would go, because I did not know he was going to do what he did that day. I walked up and went into his room where he was sitting in his computer chair. When I got inside he went to the door and locked it behind me. Then he grabbed my hand and walked me to his bed and laid me down. He took off my shirt and my jeans. I wanted to say no but I was too shocked and did not realize what it was that he was doing to me. He would kiss my neck and touch me all over with his dirty hands pretending to care about me and always telling me he loved me. He would lay me on him faced the opposite direction and kiss me in between my legs and make me hold his.....and rub it.....I remember being tired and wanting to go but he would grab my arms and tell me harder...I did not know if what he was doing was wrong I was too ashamed to talk to anyone about it and now I realize what a big mistake that was.....he went on taking advantage of me until I was 10 and he tried to push himself in me and I screamed.....he asked me if it hurt and when I said yes, he stopped trying, but he continued molesting me everyday. One day I was outside with my friends and I did not realize until my friends began to say “you have a hikky...” I remember being confused not understanding what they were saying...I went home and looked in the mirror and I had this big red looking mark on my neck which I realized a year later to be a hikky. I stopped going to his house then and began to avoid him, he would sometimes ask me if I was mad and to come over, but I never did. I still see him to this day....and he pretends that nothing ever happened....he calls me his favorite niece...and tells me I was a very cute child.....I play along with him too, I never told my mom because I know it would hurt her and I was afraid my family would break apart and hate me....but I don't forgive him...I still remember the nights I stayed awake crying thinking I could be pregnant...feeling my stomach and starving myself. He might not remember but I won’t forget.
by It wasn't a dreamon 21 Feb 2005

Labels: I would never think the earliest memories of my childhood would start out with a feeling a betrayal and shame

posted by Robert Heard at 6:31 AM