When I was ten years old, I was raped by my ex-best friend

When I was ten years old, I was raped by my ex-best friend, who is a girl, just like me. I was sleeping over her house, and we had just got back from the movies. Her parents went to bed; it was late, around 11:00. We camped out with blankets together (the way normal kids do when they are having an innocent, fun-loving slumber party), and we started watching TV. Jennifer was funny but kind of weird at times, she would make odd comments at times. Once we were swimming in her backyard, and she had commented on how "sexy" I looked in my bathing suit, and that we should go skinny dipping, on more than one occasion, which I never did. I thought that she just liked reminding me that I was pretty, because Jennifer was very overweight, and I was comparable to a dainty flower. Once when we were reading magazines on the floor of her bedroom she put her hand on my knee and asked me, "*******, What would you say if I told you I was interested in other girls?" I stared at her for a second, not knowing what to say, and she just started laughing. I figured it was a joke so I laughed along, relieved that I didn't have to answer that question, although I have nothing against homosexuality. Anyway, getting back to that night, we were hanging out in the dark watching TV in the living room, and all of the sudden she started changing the channels. She said "I want to show you something." It was porn, hard core porn. I was disgusted; I didn't even know there were things like this on TV. "We shouldn't be watching this- we'll get in trouble," I said. "Don't worry, I do this all the time. If I hear my parents coming I can change it really fast" was her response. Disgusted, I buried my face in my pillow and tried to sleep. About fifteen minutes later my friend was nudging me, almost hitting me. "Get up." I arose from my light slumber, only to see porn still on the TV screen. From there, it was almost a blur. She said something like "I've done this before-it feels really good" and got on top of me. She was so heavy, I could hardly breathe. She started moving back and forth in a rhythmic motion, all the while watching the television screen, as if I were her test dummy that was as good as a pillow. I tried to sit up, but she wasn't exactly on my waist, right above it. It was like doing sit-ups with two tons of cement on your abdomen. I begged her to stop and she just told me if I’m not feeling it then I’m doing something wrong. A few seconds later she took my recorder, which is an elementary instrument that looks like a flute, and jammed it as far as it could go up my vaginal area, and it hurt so bad. I didn't even know there was a hole there, I was such a stupid, innocent little carefree girl. I remember crying myself to sleep. That morning I was depressed- Jennifer acted oblivious when her mom asked me why I wasn't eating. After breakfast I needed to get out of that house- so we went outside. I immediately ran into the woods next to her house, but she followed me. I stood among the trees, closing my eyes and smelling the pine, trying so hard to be somewhere else, but I felt so... Dirty. Shameful. Jennifer asked me why I was crying and acting so weird-- as if she didn't know. I told her that I felt guilty for what had gone on last night, that I felt dirty and disgusting, and I felt my recently past grandmother had been watching me from heaven. I told her that I wanted to go home. She offered no help to me- not even a sorry. All she said was "You can't tell anyone, no one. Not a word about last night. Don't tell your mom." She was scared. I could see it in her eyes, I could hear her voice choking. I blamed myself. I thought I was a dirty little girl from then on in, and I was so full of shame. I told no one. I continued a small friendship with Jennifer until she started asking my three year old brother if he wanted to have sex with her. I never talked to her again, and told her to go home. Thank God my little brother doesn't remember it at all. Then- we moved to another state. I was really depressed now. I started going to church school, and I was told that sex was a sin by my screwed up church school teacher, and that adultery meant having sex before you were married, and that if someone did commit this, they were going to Hell. I hated myself, I thought I was so disgusting. I felt a separation from God- and I knew I could never tell a priest about my sin. My grades dropped- I had been an honor roll student, and I went down to all C's, then D's, and then a total pitfall. Since then I confided in my new best friend my secret- looking for some condolence. She had asked me why I sat there and endured it and why I didn't scream, but she just had no idea what it was like. She even said to me once, "You're being melodramatic. You don't know how it feels to be raped by a guy, it's so much worse." She had never been raped. Rape, NO MATTER WHAT GENDER, IS STILL RAPE. I considered myself no longer a virgin, and I thought I had lost all of my innocence. Then, because I had no sex education, I wondered if I could get pregnant, or get this new thing called AIDS, which would kill me. I had no idea that STD's were given by semen or blood. I was so worried, I gained weight, I lost just about all of my friends, I was a calloused person, and I started cutting. It was in the seventh grade that I finally recovered, and learned all the facts, and almost forgot about the incident. I thinned out, I became healthier, my grades went up dramatically, I hung out with better people, and I learned that Jennifer no longer controlled me and my ability to live. It took me two years- but I finally learned that I could move past the darkness and come into the cool, bright air that was freedom. I now call myself a virgin, I have my feeling of innocence back, and I have become a Baptist, so I pray to relieve my sins, rather than confiding them with someone I don't know. I love myself, my body, and my life, and I am proud to admit that.
by A Proud Survivoron 6 Feb 2005

Labels: I was raped by my ex-best friend..., When I was ten years old

posted by Robert Heard at 5:16 AM