What is worse than Death

What is worse than Death? Rape, molestation! Fear is how they Control! Any unwanted physical contact is rape. Molestation is the same thing but between family. I like this site a lot. My boyfriend found it and said to take a look so here I am.

My abuse started when I was just 4 or 5 years old. The son (between 6 and 8) of my baby sitter’s did it. I thought he was cute but I didn’t know what he was doing. He said it was ok. I blacked out most of it.

My father was physically abusive. To this day I still have marks on my body where he has hit me. Broken blood vessels that were left when he beat me with his hands, belts and a wire hanger. All this for not being good, fighting with my sister, reading late at night, you name it I got hit for it.

The real kicker was my biological father at the age of 12. I will never forget it whether my eyes are open or closed. Summer time I just finished middle school, hot, on the weekend about 1 in the morning. I’m total nude. I awaken by getting kissed on my back. It tickles at first, then the alarm goes off in my head and I turn over. He’s kneeling by the edge of my bed. “What daddy?” (that phrase still makes me sick to my stomach) I don’t really remember what he said until I started shaking and crying begging “please daddy…, don’t daddy…” He told me in his matter of fact “STOP, BE QUIET!” as he stood up. He took the covers off me and kept asking “do you like that?” as he touched me. Puke is not even close to what I wanted to do. He knelt at the foot of my bed and began to touch, finger, lick. All I could think of was “wake up please wake up!” Finally after what seemed forever he got up and said “did you like that?” There was movement on the stair and he quickly covered me up and went to see what it was.
To add insult to injury my mother comes in and says “Baby are you ok now is everything better?” as if that was suppose to make me feel better. (NO she didn’t know what happened, he told her I was sick and he was checking on me.) It took me a month to tell her what happened and actually she asked me after I told a friend what happened and she told her mom and her mom told my mom.
After that I was self-destructive. I slept around with different men. I put my self in situations that got me in more trouble and yes more abuse. I hung with the wrong people. Got in trouble.
My mom finally told me something that I will never forget. “Damn it! You can be a victim all your life or you can be a survivor… which do you want to be?” and that is what I ask all of you hear which do you want to be? Choose a victim or a survivor.

I choose to survive. I am proud of that and proud of all who have left their stories as well as those that visit. It is all a form of help. Death is not an option and neither is being a victim.
Yes I have awakened it the middle of the night screaming in a cold sweat there again. I have no doubt that it will happen again. No I don’t trust people as far as my finger. And the person who created the statement “That’s Life” needs to be shot. Because, RAPE and MOLESTATION should not be a part of life. But I am a SURVIVOR.
by Maiyshaon 12 Jan 2005

Labels: What is worse than Death

posted by Robert Heard at 7:56 AM