My story started April 27th, 17 yrs ago

My story started April 27th, 17 yrs ago. It was 3 days before my 15th birthday and I had'nt a care in the world. I was walking home for my lunch at 12.15, before I knew it I was grabbed into an alley way just off a busy main road. I was stuck in the situation every woman (let alone young girl) dreads. I was raped. I don't know for how long I was in the alley, I have no recolection of the exact time, all I know is that it felt like an eternity. My rapist cut my arm and held the kinfe to my throat and told me if I did not do as I was told he would cut my throat. This is not all he did with the knife and I was sure that I was going to die. He kept telling me to look at him and be a good girl. All I knew as a young girl about rape is what I had seen on the tv. The fact that if I looked at his face he WOULD KILL me because I had seen his face and could identify him if I had to. With this in my mind I refused to look at his face. To this day I could not tell you what he looked like, however I can tell you what he sounded like and the horrid, horrid, sick smell he had. Both of these haunt me to the extent that I cant go into pubs or clubs due to the smell that brings back unwanted memories.
I kept my dirty little secret to myself for over a week before telling. The police were involved and statement was given. Once the police had gone my mother sat me down ant told me that I was never to mention IT again. I was to go to my room and when my father came in from work she would tell him what had gone on and that would be it. I remember seeing the look on her face was one of disgust, horror and shame, and all that I wanted was from her was to be held, held by someone who loved me. This never happened because my mother died when I was just 18. The situation WAS NEVER mentioned again. I am just starting to deal with this after such a long time. I don't know how to approach IT, who to turn to, what to do with how I feel and how I am destroying my life. I cant stand the feeling of emmbarassement, shame, of being dirty, disgusting, angry, giulty, humiliated and the silence and the secrets. I have not slept properly since that day. I sleep walk and find myself in the bathroom, in corners of my home curled up in a tiny ball. I have even cut my hair in the shower while sleeping. I feel like a freak, a big shamed, scared freak. I feel like a lost child. Due to a change in my home life I am making new friends and dont know how to trust them or talk to them. In a book I've recently read there was I line that stuck in my mind "How do I tell people that I don't know, people who may become close friends? If I don't tell them it makes it a seceret, something to be ashamed of. When I do tell them, they make it worse". This I have learned to be true from the reaction of my new partners. I don't know what to do, can someone please help me?
TO ALL OF YOU THAT HAVE SURVIVED AND HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE WITH THIS YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF. So should your friends and family. Good luck to you all.
by jayneon 18 May 2004

Labels: 17 yrs ago, My story started April 27th

posted by Robert Heard at 6:35 AM