To this day I still blame myself

To this day I still blame myself. It happened 14 years ago. I was staying at a girlfriend's place where she lived with her boyfriend. His brother was visiting. I was trying to forget the love of my life, who was newly engaged to someone else, by spending time with my friend and playing some games, watching some TV, anything but think of him.
The friend's boyfriend's brother wasn't bad looking, and I admit I flirted, but I was to drained (emotionally) to really play the game. We were all drinking - none of us drunk - and I had enough to make me sleepy. We all went to our perspective sleeping areas. I had the spare room, the brother had the coutch. He made it known earlier that he would be open to getting to know me "better" -not in a threating way- and came into the room looking for attention. With a smile I sent him away. He came back and bugged me until I said sure to a kiss, and he left. I went to sleep. He woke me up when he came in the next time complaining about the coutch and I said that he could SLEEP here, but I was tired. I fell asleep, when I woke next time he was on top of me, kissing me (I had a stuffy nose and could not breathe), and my nightgown was unbuttoned. We struggled, my arms were pinned against my chest somehow and I couldn't push him off. I still remember the snap of his wasteband as he fought to get his sweats down. I tried to move my head to breathe, but he kept kissing me. When I could get a snach of air here or there, I was gasping and said "No!" more than once. My struggling alone was my non-verbal refusal. He got inside me after what seemed like forever trying, but he had to hold me open, so when he did thrust in, I tore and stopped struggling. I was in shock, this was not happening. After a second or two, I started to struggle again and he pulled out and said "All you had to say was no." Why didn't I scream? I don't know, I was embarrased, in shock.

Anyway, I really blame myself. Letting him come into my room, what was I thinking? He really didn't seem like a person who would force me. He was fun, funny, I had liked him.

I had no support. I told my friend when I woke her up to tell her I was leaving. My girlfriend got crap from her boyfriend over it - poor her, so I didn't press charges because I didn't want to mess up her life, and I didn't want to go to court, I didn't want to go public. I didn't want to tell my family. I told one friend and they wanted me to go to the hospital, but refused to go with me.

I ended up in a short-term relationship with the guy who raped me. I still don't know why. Maybe I could pretend it didn't happen somehow? Is that crazy? I don't hear about things like that happening.

I very seldom have nightmares anymore. I haven't been one hundred percent honest with my husband about it, how could he understand if I don't? I blame myself, how could he not? He knows about it,(he is the love of my life I refered to earlier)He and I had stayed friends, and I asked him to come with me to hospital. He agreed without question, but I told him to leave because his girlfriend had a fit when he called her to check in, and I REFUSED to be the reason for them breaking up (as she was threatening).

Anyway, that is my story.
by xeldaon 9 Jan 2005

Labels: To this day I still blame myself

posted by Robert Heard at 7:47 AM