Quotes on “Remarriage”
The following are quotes from various resources on the subject of remarrying.
• The best time to decide whether you will live the rest of your life together is before you say “I do,” not after! So much miscommunication that takes place between people is because each person is coming from a different perspective. We assume that we know what the other person believes, thinks, and feels. Too often, our assumptions are incorrect. The clearer you can be about each other’s assumptions before marriage, the fewer number of surprises after marriage. (From the book, “Helping You Start Again… Pre-Remarriage Questions” -by Bobb and Cheryl Biehl)
• Most couples remarry before they are spiritually or emotionally ready. Readiness involves several things, including: grieving losses, letting go of the past, resolving emotional wounds and identifying unhealthy relationship patterns. Commit not to remarry until you have worked through these issues. (Jeff Parziale, In Step Ministries, www.instepministries.com)
• It might amaze you to know that less than 25% of those who remarry ever read a book about divorce and remarriage or seek any form of premarital counseling. Most remarrying individuals are totally unprepared for remarriage. (From the book, “Looking Before You Leap …Again!” by Jeff and Judi Parziale www.instepministries.com)
• The divorce rate for remarriages is 60 percent, compared to 50 percent for first marriages. The majority fall apart within two or three years of the wedding, leaving an estimated half-million children to cope with yet another split-up. Yet, despite the prevalence of divorce, many couples still underestimate the challenges of starting a family not from scratch. Couples often rush into the second marriage hopeful and unprepared, often ignoring potential pitfalls for fear they might scare them off remarriage, says Fargo marriage counselor and conference organizer Tina Johnson. “That denial is a protective device, a way to face the fear that ‘I’ll remain lonely for the rest of my life,’” she said. (From the article, “Remarried with Children” -by Mila Koumpilava, from The Forum from Fargo, North Dakota, September 12, 2006)
• Many individuals approach marriage, even remarriage, with a “let’s get married and work out the details later” attitude. In fact, most remarrying couples have known each other less than 9 months. Couples remarry long before they have finished grieving their losses, worked through their issues or developed a healthy single lifestyle. The high divorce rate for remarriage suggests that this approach will not work. Successful remarriages and step families result when individuals take the time to work out the details first. (From the book, “Looking Before You Leap …Again!” by Jeff and Judi Parziale www.instepministries.com)
And for all dating parents, this verse is in direct opposition to speed and intensity. Quick and decisive relationships resulting from a fascinating and deceptive lure are not His will. Even if this is indeed your true life partner, God still wants your relationship to mature gradually, slowly, and methodically. And if you are dating your true life’s partner, what’s the hurry? God is asking you to allow time for yourself and your children to grow into your new relationship until it becomes proven beyond any doubt that you and your partner are bringing, and will continue to bring, wonderful emotional health and stability into the lives of every member of your future family. (Donald Partridge – from article, which you can read in it’s entirety by clicking onto “What Happens in the Meadow”)
• The first step to a healthy remarriage is you. Is this a surprise? Life wounds all of us. The losses, disappointments and hurts of life will not heal themselves—you must choose to heal. In fact, you will not grow until healing has taken place—and this takes time. (From the book, “Looking Before You Leap … Again!” by Jeff and Judi Parziale www.instepministries.com)
• Recognize what you did wrong in the first marriage and fix that immediately. You were not perfect, even if you were only at fault for 20 per cent of the problems in your first marriage. You need to spend 100 per cent of your time fixing that 20 per cent. Whatever dysfunction you had in the first marriage will not magically disappear in your second marriage. Negative patterns and behaviors have a way of repeating themselves. Your new marriage will have its own set of issues, so please do not bring in old issues. (Michael Smalley, from the article, “How to Have a Successful Second Marriage”)
• If you work these words into your life you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit—but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock. (Matthew 7:24 -The Message)
• There are many differences between a remarriage and a first-time marriage. Time alone does not prepare you for remarriage. There’s a direct correlation between your preparation for remarriage and the success of your remarriage. A divorce or the death of a spouse can be a devastating experience, both to you and to your children. Healing from such tragedies takes time. (From the book, “Looking Before You Leap …Again!” by Jeff and Judi Parziale www.instepministries.com)
• Over 50% of Christian marriages end in divorce today in America. This means there are millions of couples who may remarry and try it again. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is double the divorce rate for first marriages. The question begs itself, “If couples are divorcing from a marriage that was unsatisfying and irreconcilable, then how are they making the mistake again at an even higher rate?” Here’s the deal, if you’re starting over in a new relationship you must recognize the importance of doing it differently. Sounds a tad simplistic doesn’t it? Individuals come into their second marriage with the same behaviors they had in their first, failed marriage. Just changing spouses is no cure for bad relationships.
If you’re starting over, please understand the necessity for getting counseling with your new mate to learn the skills it takes to have a satisfying marriage. You’re going to have to learn new ways of interacting with your spouse, or you’ll tend to simply fall back into the old ways of interacting, which led to your first divorce. We know today what it takes to have a successful and satisfying relationship, it’s not a mystery. There are specific skills, that if applied, that can actually eliminate your chances of divorce. Couples who receive premarital training increase their chances of staying married for a lifetime almost 80%! (From Smalley Relationship Center www.smalleyonline.com)
• Humans have tendency to not learn from their mistakes. Most individuals, for example, learn nothing from their divorce and are therefore primed to enter a relationship without a clue as to why their last relationship failed. They seldom develop any new skill insights, so they’re destined to repeat the same behaviors or choose the same type of partners—over and over. (From the book, “Looking Before You Leap …Again!” by Jeff and Judi Parziale www.instepministries.com)
• Leslie Parrott, who with her husband, Les, wrote the book Saving Your Second Marriage, says people go into their “encore marriages” with “a mythical sense of security that they won’t make the same mistakes again.” But, on the contrary, they make all kinds of mistakes. Some gravitate toward people who are similar to their previous spouses. Others get remarried to “get even” with a former spouse, or for financial reasons. Still others rush into another marriage because, being divorced, they feel out of step with the community or wonder if they’re “bad” people.”
You’re fragile after divorce. You might be depressed,” says Parrott, a professor at Seattle Pacific University, and that can lead to fantasizing about marriage, particularly by women. But, if anything, marriage can actually be harder the second time around, burdened with pressures that the first marriage didn’t have. (From: Smartmarriages www.smartmarriages.com Subject: Remarrying: Way of Life 6/03)
• Second marriages can be great marriages but the couples involved can feel left out and isolated when it comes to people understanding their situation. The complexities in creating new relationships with spouse, step-children and other relatives and friends can be overwhelming. There can be issues with each partner’s own children, the previous spouse, property and custody difficulties. Whether the new partners are widowed or divorced there are always the good and bad memories of the past which are taken into this new relationship.
Some couples are unaware of the practical challenges that these new marriages create. For example whenever there is a family ceremony such as a baptism, wedding or funeral there can be complications as to who to invite, where they are to sit, and who is to make important decisions such as spreading of ashes. Inevitably these decisions are highly emotional and can bring out the best and worst in people. (From Married for Life Newsletter, MFL admin@mfl.com.au 10/10/2006)
• Much of your personal readiness for remarriage depends on the state of your relationship with your former spouse, whether they are deceased or you are divorced. What lessons from your first marriage will you bring into your second marriage? Is there unresolved pain in relation to your first spouse that you still need to work through? The point is that before reentering marriage, you need to carefully examine the baggage you are bringing with you. (From the book, Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts, by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
• One of the great enemies of a blended family is the fact that we live in the age of instant everything. It’s natural for Mom and Dad to assume that they’ll have “instant success” with their new marriage and the new family it creates. Sometimes they naively assume that because they love each other so much and because they’ve found the “right” mate “this time,” marriage is going to be so much more wonderful the second time around, and the kids will gladly come along for the ride.
The truth is, however, that the term blended family is a misnomer. It’s much more accurate to say that a step family is blending. It has not become completely blended, a process which may take years—or in some cases, never takes place at all. A glance at the various dictionary definitions will tell you that to blend something means mingling or combining certain components so that you achieve a measure of harmony. And that’s what you’re trying to do in your blending family. You want to harmonize all the various personalities while doing your best to keep conflict at minimum and avoid discriminating against one family member or another. (From the book, “Living in a Step Family Without Getting Stepped On” -by Dr Kevin Leman)
• Any engagement which cannot stand the asking of questions does not have a high likelihood of withstanding the pressure of married living in today’s society. It’s hard but far easier to break a dating relationship than an engagement. It’s hard but far easier to break an engagement than a marriage after the marriage vows have been spoken and children have been conceived, or born. (From the book, “Helping You Start Again … Pre-Remarriage Questions” -by Bobb and Cheryl Biehl)
• You can remain kind and courteous to your ex-wife, but you should keep communication and contact to a minimum and on a business level. This may sound pretty cold, but it is the best approach when there’s continued hostility, manipulation or efforts at rekindling old roles. Spouses who continue sharing deep feelings and emotions, even negative ones, are still being “intimate” with each other. (From the book, “How to be First in a Second Marriage” by Rose Sweet)
• When a passive man does muster the immense courage to stand up to an ex-wife, usually after years of pleading, it’s a painful process to watch— it can be like a volcano letting loose. He has never been naturally assertive with women; now, pressured into response, he blasts forth in often overblown ways. A man who rarely raises his voice— maybe hasn’t done so in years or decades— can explode when he feels completely cornered. (Paul and Sandy Coughlin, from the book, Married But Not Engaged, p. 75)
• Whenever there is a divorce, family members often feel compelled to “take sides.” The new wife may be met with anything ranging from a cool reception to an outright snubbing. When this happens, the husband should make every effort not to place his new wife in a situation where this could occur again. If they have dinner with his parents, and there is tension or conversation meant to embarrass her, the husband needs to respond immediately in her defense. Not in anger, but setting firm boundaries. “Mother, Marsha is my new wife and deserves your courtesy. Your bringing up my ex-wife isn’t appropriate, and I’d like you to stop it.”
If Mom gets angry, hostile or defensive, the husband should try putting his arm around her and looking her right in the eye. “Mom, the past is past. I understand you’re having trouble with this, but I love Marsha. Won’t you try to, too?” If she still refuses, the husband should get up and take his wife home. He should tell his parents firmly but lovingly, “Mom, Dad, I want to visit you, but it seems like you need some time to accept Marsha. Please call me when you’re ready to have us over again.” Give them some time and a second chance. It may take awhile, but most family members will begin to open the door after they process their own anger, guilt and grief. (From the book, “How to be First in a Second Marriage” by Rose Sweet)
• Even without children as part of the remarriage picture, you will have a complicating factor that extenuates the adjustment period: baggage. The proverbial baggage you bring into this current marriage from your previous one takes time to unpack. Some call this the “invisible partner” of remarriage. He or she may live miles away, but on occasion it may seem like an ex-spouse is right there in your living room. Why? Because divorce doesn’t completely sever all attachments between ex-spouses. And even if your first marriage didn’t end in divorce and you lost your loving partner in another tragedy, you will contend with his or her presence in your new marriage. Guaranteed. That’s the price we pay for meaningful human relationships.
After all, at one point you invested your entire being into this individual, but for whatever reason the relationship is over. You can’t expect to leave that unscathed. Eventually, you have to admit that you lost a part of yourself when that relationship died. And if you have never fully grieved that loss, you will have all the more baggage to contend with. (From the book, “Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)
• Guard your sex thought life. Many remarried spouses live with an unspoken insecurity about their previous relationship. In essence, we allow the ex to come to bed with us. After all, says Dr. Harry Jackson in In-Laws, Outlaws, and the Functional Family, “former couples were attracted to each other enough to marry. Many fear that the adage, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ just might come true. Some new spouses may wonder if there’s lingering sexual attraction for the ex-husband or ex-wife.”
The reality is that you’re probably thinking more about his ex than he is! Don’t allow the ex to ruin what belongs to you and your marriage. The goal is to erase the old mental tapes from your previous marriage and re-record new ones with your spouse. One good way is to do a reality check. “I’m not Jill, I’m Brooke. I’m not your first wife.” Sometimes that helps you both to realize that was then, this is now. (Ginger Kolbaba, from article: Sex the Second Time Around, Marriage Partnership Magazine, Summer 2006)
• While newly married couples enjoy a honeymoon period of bliss and basking in the love they have for each other, stepfamily couples hit the marital ground at a run. Their honeymoon period may not come for many years. In fact, research shows that it takes about seven years for the average stepfamily to “cook” or come together as a family unit. (Elsie Radtke)
• My husband and I started married life with 6 teenage and preteen children. It was so hard to balance the needs of all the children and be fair to everyone. It was hard for me to know whether my opinions were based on fact and logic or my feelings. It was hard to decide which things were important enough to make an issue of. When it came to child raising we had few areas of agreement. We made so many mistakes. However God is good. We have a strong family that only uses the word step only if it is really needed to clarify. Like why my son has two fathers attending an event. We have made an effort to have good relationships with the other parents and above survived the hectic years following our marriage. We are about to celebrate our thirtieth anniversary. (From a subscriber to Marriage Missions)
• A Step Parenting Rule: Generally, a woman can never love a man anymore than her husband loves her children. (Kevin Leman)
• STEPS FOR STEPFATHERS: Step 1. The Stepfather Can’t Function as Does the Biological Father. He is not the father and never will be. The stepfather is the male head of the household. Together with his wife, the children’s mother, he can be a guide, a mentor, and even a psychological father to the stepchildren, over time. Go slow. Step 2. Structuring the Household Is a Shared Task Between Husband and Wife. How is the time, energy, and money used? What are the duties, responsibilities, and contributions of each member of the household? This must be sorted out and decided by the couple. Step 3. The Norms and Forms of Discipline Must Be Discussed and Agreed to by the Couple. Generally, the biological parent does the disciplining and the stepparent reminds, “In this house we…” (From the article 10 Steps for Stepfathers, by Jeannette Lofas, as posted on the Winning Stepfamilies.com web site. You can read the rest of the steps by clicking HERE)
• Your partner will react to an act of kindness directed toward their child as if you had extended two acts of kindness directly towards them (your partner). The same applies for an unkind act, but your partner is likely to react as if you had acted unkindly towards them (your partner) five times. (From booklet “Tools to Master 4 Essential Stepfamily Tasks” by The Stepfamily Foundation of Alberta www.stepfamily.ca)
• Don’t compete with a child’s biological parent. Even if the child is angry or disappointed at her birth parent, be a positive influence. Help the child believe that she’s loved by that parent. (Romie Hurley, one of the authors of the book, The First Five Years of Marriage)
• The Stepmother can’t function as does the biological mother. She is not the mother and never will be. The stepmother is the female head of the household. Together with her husband, the children’s father, she can be a guide, a mentor, and even a psychological mother to the stepchildren, over time. Go slow. (From the article, 10 Steps for Stepmothers, by Jeannette Lofas, as posted on the Winning Stepfamilies.com web site. You can read all 10 steps by clicking HERE.)
• There is a promised land for step families. It lies at the end of a long, sometimes perilous journey, one that lasts from 4-7 years (or even more). Most families are not prepared. This journey begins with loss. There are fears attached to letting go of what’s familiar, even if the familiar is an unhealthy place. Many family members are confused about their identity, and have hopes and unrealistic expectations that soon turn into grumbling and doubt.
Wandering around in the desert of confusion the questions start, “Did I make the right choice? Can I really learn to love these people? Will they ever love me?” Dismay sets in with the discovery that the trip is filled with uncertainty and confusion. The realization comes that you and your traveling companions are carrying a lot of baggage that’s slowing you down. There will be a ’sea of opposition’ and many barriers to overcome.” Perhaps I should have just stayed where I was. Maybe I should go back; things weren’t this bad.”
The trip takes much longer than you thought it would. Looking across the river, you can see that the land does have promise, but also danger and risk. “Can I do this? Is it really worth the risks?” Crossing over takes commitment. “Is God going to be with me? Does He really believe in step families?” There are battles to fight and a promise to be fulfilled, but you must endure the journey. Many never make it to the land of promise. (From the book: “The Journey … A Traveling Guide for Christian Step families” by Jeff Parziale, Ph.D. and Judi Parziale, Ph.D. www.instepministries.com)
• Marrying into a blended family can be compared to driving different vehicles. Perhaps I’ve been used to driving our family car on country roads, puttering along nice and easy, taking the curves with caution and experienced control. Now, all of a sudden, I find myself driving a semi-truck during the Los Angeles rush hour. I may have done quite well before, but I’m not on country roads anymore. I have taken the ramp to a superhighway or, as books in the field of counseling say, the “supra-system.” (Tom and Adrienne Frydenger, from Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family)
• When we give workshops about blended family skills, Marriage is the most
controversial ingredient in our Recipe for Blended Family Success®. Specifically, it’s not that anyone disagrees that looking after your marriage is an important blended family. It’s just that we get a lot of gasps when we say that you must put your marriage first – before your children. If you find yourself gasping as you read this, bear with us for a moment.
Putting your marriage first in no way means your children are not a priority. It also does not mean you don’t do everything as parents to give the children the best guidance, love, and support you can for a good start in life. What it does mean is that you attend to your relationship with your new spouse as a primary means of being the best parents you can be. (John Penton and Shona Welsh, from the book, “Yours, Mine, and Hours” www.yoursminehours.com)
• Remember that both you and your new mate have the role of leadership in this family. Pay attention to each other. Support each other. Talk things out before they become a problem. Agree to solutions and then be accountable for your part in carrying that out. (Elsie Radtke)
• Clearly sort out discipline and guidance methods and styles as a couple. Couples decide on discipline and bio-parent generally directs behavior. In the absence of the bio-parent, the stepparent reminds the child of household rules. He/she might begin “in this house we…”. An effective parent or stepparent disciplines the action and the behaviors and does not put down the child, thereby keeping the child’s self-esteem intact. (Jeannette Lofas, from the article “10 Steps for Building Couple Strength.” You can read all 10 steps on the Winning Stepfamilies.com web site by clicking HERE.)
• You are going to encounter a whole range of issues that you resist, come into conflict over, and plain just don’t understand about the new spouse, the new children, and the new family. Some of them you may not even want to admit to yourself for they seem so small and petty. Trust us — it’s the small and petty things that will get you first. Always keep in mind that it’s okay to feel these things. (You are human, after all!) What matters is how you handle them.
Some of the issues we examine include: – How good intentions for having a wonderful family aren’t enough – Common challenges for blended parents – That guilt thing and how to manage it by not putting impossible standards on yourself – Understanding that resisting all the issues is a waste of your time and energy, and that you must start with what you’ve got – How to deal with all the fear, reaction, and worry living in a blended family brings out in you – Learning the Ten Laws of Acceptance in a blended family and how they’ll help you keep your sanity. There are numerous issues we discovered in the complexity of our blended family, all of which we learned can begin to be solved by adopting an approach of Acceptance. Notice that we said begin to be resolved. Acceptance is your starting point for moving ahead, not the cure-all for your numerous frustrations. (John Penton and Shona Welsh, from the book, “Yours, Mine, and Hours” www.yoursminehours.com)
• Intimacy is developed from time shared together. In step families, total strangers are living under the same roof. There are no common memories or traditions to draw people together. All families have a past. However, in step families the past is much more complex, because a step family’s past includes baggage from the family of origin of each spouse, and “ghosts” —negative experiences—from previous marriages.
Also, different subsystems within the family import divergent memories. There are parent-child relationships that predate the couple relationship. This deprives the couple of the opportunity to develop an intimate relationship without children around. Developing a shared history is a major task, often made difficult by the fact that many children, typically teenagers, are not interested in developing a shared history. For some children, making new memories in the step family’s is a form of disloyalty to their former family. One idea is to begin a few new traditions that supplement, rather than replace, the old ones. (From the book: “The Journey … A Traveling Guide for Christian Step families” by Jeff Parziale, Ph.D. and Judi Parziale, Ph.D. www.instepministries.com)
• TO BUILD MEMORIES AND FAMILY UNITY: Hold a family meeting and choose a summer service project you can all work on together. Suggestions include the following: volunteer to care for the animals at the local humane society, clean up trash around your neighborhood, go on a short-term missions trip with your church, deliver food to shut-ins, serve meals at a local food bank, help around your church (folding bulletins, painting an office, answering phones). (Ron Deal)
• Blended families are less cohesive than nuclear families. Webster’s dictionary defines cohere as “to hold together firmly as parts of the same mass” and “to become united in principles, relationships, or interests.” Because of the pre-existing alliances and loyalties different members bring into blended families, the existence of two households with permeable boundaries for the children and impermeable boundaries for the adults and the feelings of loss and insecurity held by their members, blended families do not have inherent “stick-togetherness.” They have to work to become united, to “hold together firmly as parts of the same mass.” (From the book, “Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family” by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger)
• “When you bring two families together, you can be guaranteed some Armageddon evenings,” says Dr Kevin Leman. “When these families unite, they don’t blend—they collide.”
• If you’re marrying someone who already has children, your future spouse will naturally want his/her children to feel good about your relationship. The role of being a stepparent is not an easy one. Make time to read as much as you can about the role of being a stepparent. Whenever possible, consult with other authorities, or talk with other couples who have children from previous marriages. Ask the tough questions and don’t be afraid to discuss your doubts and fears. Also, talk about your step-parenting role with your fiancé. Ask about his/her expectations of you. Use some of these questions to dig deeper into this issue: • How would you like me to help with the children? • How do you see my role as a stepparent? • What do you think your children want, or expect, from me? • In what ways do you see me helping to discipline the children? • How can we help make our marriage a smoother transition for your children? (Todd Outcalt, Before You Say “I Do”)
• Since there are often “ex’s” on one or both sides of the new stepfamily, there will be issues of parenting. Children will maximize their advantage here and play each side against the other. The stepparent often feels dis-empowered and ignored. It may help to understand that biology is a primary bonding dynamic. No matter how wonderful and loving a stepparent may be to the children, biological bonds are stronger. It is the responsibility of the biological parent in the home to manage discipline of the children. On occasion, the biological parent can delegate that power to the stepparent on a particular issue or for a period of time. For example, because dad has to work late, the stepmother has his permission to check homework and impose consequences if it is not completed. (Elsie Radtke)
• When children from two different households become a blended family their tendency will be to stake out their individual turf and lay out a strategy which ensures them maximum freedom. With a firm hand, time, and love, gradually each child will become familiar with the other and barriers will slowly disintegrate. Each child is unique. Therefore, before the wedding, the future husband and wife should discuss together the temperaments of each child. At this time it’s wise for them to develop a unified strategy for how each child will be handled. (From the book, “The Master’s Degree” by Frank and Bunny Wilson)
• Parents should require civility, not love, from their children. As much as biological parents would like stepparents and stepchildren to love each other, we cannot require, or even expect them to love each other with a deep heart-felt bond. You can, however, encourage them to act in loving, respectful ways. Early on say something like this: “You have a father (or mother) who will always be your father. Joe is your stepfather. I love him; you do not have to love him. I hope over time you will get to know him and maybe even love him. Meanwhile, you do need to be respectful of each other.” (Tips for Building a Healthy Family – from the web site www.successfulstepfamilies.com)
• Remarriage can be tough on children; most children aren’t prepared for their parents to remarry. This often difficult for remarrying adults to understand because they’re so happy and so desperately want a better life for themselves and their children. The remarrying adult assumes his or her children will be as happy as they are. They reason that since they were unhappy in their prior marriage, the children were probably also unhappy. Or they believe that they’ve sheltered their children from the pain a broken marriage.
They further reason that since they’re now happy with a new love and soon to be new spouse, their children must be equally happy. NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Children struggle with the losses and changes resulting from a death or divorce, even many years after the event. In addition, children don’t adapt as quickly as adults. Most children are just getting over the loss of their family and settling in to the routine of single-parent life when they discover that mom or dad is getting remarried. Ask the average child and he or she will tell you about a desire to return to the original family, about missing the non-custodial parent, about spending less and less time with the custodial parent and about fears and uncertainties concerning the future. In the midst of their own personal changes, parents need to be sensitive to the adjustment needs of their children. (From the book, “Looking Before You Leap …Again!” by Jeff and Judi Parziale www.instepministries.com)
• Remember that husband and wife must blend first. There are 1300 new stepfamilies every day, so the blended family is here to stay. Yet it takes about 7 years to blend. The point is, you and your spouse have got to decide from the outset to be in it for the long haul—by blending first, and with the most solid of bonds. Unfortunately, the kids will try to break up the marriage. They will try to drive a wedge between you as a couple. Part of the challenge for them is to see if you two are for real. Are you two blended? Have the two really become one? That’s what those kids are trying to find out. And they’re going to test you on it. Until you both blend and identifiably become that “one flesh,” as the Bible describes it, the rest of the family won’t blend. Surprisingly, if you remain strong, something interesting happens. When they know they can’t defeat you, that you have become one in marriage, the kids begin adding wonderful things to the marriage. (From the book, Becoming a Couple of Promise -by Dr Kevin Leman)
• Second marriages with children require weekly date nights and at least one weekend getaway a year to stay healthy. While this advice is good for first marriages, second marriages like these start with all the responsibilities of parenthood and step-parenthood attached. Time away from kids and talk of kids is vital to deepening the foundation of the couple. (Karen L. Maudlin, from article in Marriage Partnership Magazine titled: Succeeding at Second Marriages. To read the entire article, go to: http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2001/003/10.52.html)
• Whenever possible, let each parent discipline his own child. Instead of starting with drill-sergeant-like discipline, work instead on forming a relationship with your stepchildren over a period of time. Defer to the parent of your stepchild. Don’t treat kids the same because, just as God made you and your spouse to be different, God made them different. Remember: You don’t have to love the other kids. You have to respect them. Love does not demand its own way. A mother told me that once she started to respect her husband’s children, she soon discovered that she had learned to love them as well. (From the book, Becoming a Couple of Promise – by Dr Kevin Leman)
• Joseph and Mary mastered the art of blending a family. As we all know, Joseph was really just a step dad to Jesus. Therefore, in Luke 2:41-52, when Mary and Joseph confronted Jesus in the temple to complain about His being AWOL from the family, notice who did the talking (see verse 2:48). In this case, Jesus knew what He was doing, but as marriage partners blending a family, so did Joseph and Mary. (From the book, Becoming a Couple of Promise -by Dr Kevin Leman)
• Love and marriage may go together like a horse and carriage, but love and remarriage aren’t as neatly complementary. The carriage may be so crowded that the horse has trouble pulling it. (Susan Kelley)
• Stepfamilies unique challenges. Those of us who have been in previous marriages often have past hurts and wounds that are not completely healed. If you are not careful, you’ll take out your bitterness for your ex-spouse on your present spouse. You may also see in your own actions repeated patterns from your past marriage that may even have contributed in some way to your divorce. In either case, it’s important to allow God to cleanse us of all bitterness and forgive those who have hurt us in the past). (Christy Burcham, from article: Could Someone Please Pass the Grace! To read the entire article please click HERE)
• Make sure you’re not still haunted by the ghost of marriage past. Emotional and spiritual healing from divorce or the death of a spouse takes time; in fact, the average person requires three to five years before they can be discerning about a new relationship. Don’t let the rebound-bug bite you where it hurts. After his wife died of cancer Gary found himself lonely and feeling inadequate to care for his daughter. “I guess I needed a partner and I wanted a mother for my child,” he said. This emptiness lead him to rush into a new marriage that ended after just one year. Remember, time is your best friend so slow down the dating process. (Ron L. Deal, from article, Is Remarriage a Step in the Right Direction. To read the article in its entirety please click HERE)
• I would like to have engraved inside every wedding band “Be kind to one another.” This is the golden Rule of Marriage and the secret of making love last through the years.
Labels: Quotes on “Remarriage”
Common Marriage Problems, Loss of Intimacy
By Terry Ross
It is amazing the number of couples that allow the intimate side of their relationship slide. Loss of intimacy is one of those common marriage problems that eat away at the very foundation of a marriage turning what was once a loving and fulfilling relationship into nothing more than a shell.
The excuses are all too common, just too busy at work, the children are too demanding, we don’t have time or it’s just temporary to name but a few. With such easy excuses slipping off the tongue it’s just an open door for a myriad of marriage problems to take hold.
Like most common marriage problems if you are prepared to make an effort loss of intimacy in a marriage is relatively easy to resolve but the further apart you allow yourselves to grow the harder it is to get that marriage back on track.
It’s so easy just to say we don’t have the same feelings anymore and assume that the time has come to draw the line but what about if you just take a step back and attack loss of intimacy in the same way you should handle any common marriage problem. Look at marriage issues as something to be resolved, a minor setback in life and not the end of the journey.
We all face problems at work, with the children and with the family but work problems we handle, children issues we sort out and look how far we have to be pushed before we even consider disowning our family. Why is it then so common for marriages to split up over a few solvable problems?
If we are prepared to make an effort with every other aspect of our lives why do so many couples just fall at the first hurdle? You can’t say that living with someone is something we aren’t generally used to, after all we have to make allowances for others and cope with family differences as we grow up. What makes couple so what makes couples so blinkered, unbending and uncaring?
So many people loose site of their marriage vows, forget the bit about for better or for worse and assume that as soon as the ring goes on their finger that their work is done. Marriage is never easy almost every marriage has its ups and downs and letting the intimate part of the marriage slide is quite a common marriage problem. The couples that come out on top are those that recognise their failings, accept that some work needs to be done and refocus their attentions on what really matters.
To make a marriage work you need that special relationship time, people need to feel valued, respected, loved and that they are the most important thing in your life. You partner needs attention, the odd little gift, the kiss hello and goodbye, the fleeting caress and a cuddle at the end of the day. Never loose site of what is important and if you’ve been sidetracked, which is a common thing to do, now is the time to take stock, sort out any marriage problems and get back on the right track. You make time for everything else in your life so don’t become complacent with what matters most, your partner and your marriage.
Labels: Common Marriage Problems, Loss of Intimacy
Romantic Feelings, Physical Attraction, and Emotional Attachment
© Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Jan 29, 2007
The three stages of love are romantic feelings, physical attraction, & emotional attachment. Here are 7 ways for partners to enjoy all stages of intimate relationships.
Falling in love involves three stages: the initial feelings of lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and finally a deeper emotional attachment.
Reaching the final stage of love isn't just about luck or unconditional acceptance. You can reach the final stage of love with these seven tips for a healthy love life. But to be enjoyed, the three stages of love must first be understood.
What Are the Three Stages of Love?
The three stages of love are the same for everyone: lust or romantic feelings, physical attraction, and emotional attachment. The stages of love aren't necessarily separated by markers like anniversaries or events (such as getting married). Rather, the three stages of love blend together in one long stroke of love.
Not everyone reaches or stays in the final stage of love, which is when separation or divorce becomes the choice.
The Three Stages of Love
Romantic feelings or lust is the first stage of love. Romantic love is driven by testosterone and estrogen. Mating is the evolutionary purpose of this stage of love; it creates strong physical attraction and sets the stage for emotional attachment. In this stage of love, endorphins soak your brain and you're immersed in intense pleasurable sensations. Your lover is perfect, ideal, made for you. In this stage of love you feel exhilarated and even "high" (similar to the feeling you get after you eat really good chocolate or have a great workout). You feel infatuated in this stage of love.
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Physical attraction and power struggles make up the second stage of love (the "lovesick" phase). You may lose your appetite, need less sleep, and daydream about your lover on the bus, during meetings, in the shower. In this stage of love, dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are racing through your body and brain. You're also trying to shape your lover into your ideal partner – which is where the power struggles come in. In this stage of relationship, you're becoming more realistic, and you two may fight about things like whether or not to buy organic food or listen to country music. The infatuation is wearing off, a strong emotional attachment begins to set in, and feelings of infatuation fade.
Emotional attachment or unconditional acceptance is the third stage of love. Emotional attachment involves commitment, partnership, and even children (a fear of intimacy prevents many from reaching this stage of love). In this stage of love, you're aware of both positive and negative traits in your partner, and you've decided you want to build a life together. Confrontation is most likely to occur in this stage of love (though if you're authentic and honest, it'll also happen in the second stage of love). You and your partner will either work towards a healthy, loving relationship or decide to call it quits.
The Three Stages of Love: Staying in Love
Love isn't just a vehicle that brings happiness and contentment to your life (or bitterness and pain!). Love is a living, dynamic creature that changes, grows, and needs attention -- and you must nurture it. In all three stages of love, your love reveals who you really are, in all your glory and weakness.
All stages of love can help you accept your strengths and weaknesses. All stages of love also reveal your partner's strengths and weaknesses.
7 Tips for All 3 Stages of Love:
Focus on the things you can control: your attitude, your behavior, your words, and your energy. If you want something to change in any stage of a loving relationship, make it your own traits or actions – not your partner's.
Learn healthy ways to express your disappointment, anger, or frustration. Be honest and authentic, and kind and loving in all stages of relationships.
Remember the first stage of love! Recall your feelings of lust, attraction, and desire for your partner. Think about the traits that you were attracted to, and let those old feelings come to life again.
Appreciate your partner's good qualities; be grateful for the life you share. Gratitude can enhance all stages of relationships.
Focus on emotional intimacy in all three stages of love. Be vulnerable to have a healthy love life.
Own your feelings. Your partner can't "make" you feel stupid or worthless. If you feel unfulfilled or sad about your life, look at your own dreams and goals. Are you pursuing the life you were meant to live? Are you following your heart? Develop your personality, mind, and spirit. Figure out what will make you happy in this stage of love, and start creating the life you were meant to live.
Consider counseling in any stage of love. If you've lost that loving feeling, it could be an individual thing that you need to deal with or a couples' issue that you should tackle together. An objective point of view, from a therapist, pastor, or friend you trust, is incredibly helpful in all stages of relationships.
Read more: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/love_love_me_do#ixzz0YGKdu6Ks
Labels: and Emotional Attachment, Physical Attraction, Romantic Feelings
What is Conflict Resolution?
Conflict Resolution is a relatively new academic field of study that takes a multi-disciplinary approach to the conflict that happens in our world. The field draw upon the social sciences of sociology, psychology, anthropology, history, and political science.
Examples of Conflict Resolution can be found in the smallest of personal relationships all the way up to the level of the nation-state.
Examples of Conflict Resolution:
Peer Mediation Programs in Schools
A Neighborhood Meeting to Discuss the Need for Speed Bumps/Traffic Calming
A Manager Meeting with Two Employees Who Can't Get Along
Leaders from Different Cities Talking about the Potential for More Traffic Due to a New Shopping Development
A Church Leader Who Visits Young People in the Community to Try to Keep those Kids Out of a Gang
A President Who Brings Together Leaders of Enemy Nations in an Effort to Attain Peace
What is Conflict?
Conflict is a part of everyone's life. Although usually thought of as negative, conflict can also be viewed as constructive. Conflict Resolution theorist James A. Schellenberg describes conflict as "the opposition between individuals and groups on the basis of competing interests, different identities, and/or differing attitudes".
Five Popular (But Ineffective) Approaches to
Conflict Resolution
Dudley Weeks highlights five of the most popular but ineffective approaches to Conflict Resolution in his book The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution. Here are the approaches as applied to the fight for equal marriage rights:
The Conquest Approach
Here, each party wants victory at the expense of the other party. There is no room for negotiation. "We are right. They are wrong"
Essentially, this is what has happened in Florida. Gay marriage is still illegal; yet, civil unions and domestic partnerships were also completely outlawed.
The Avoidance Approach
In this approach, conflict is avoided at all costs. Since most people do not like conflict, they often take this approach, thereby ignoring the fact that the conflict still affects their lives.
Unfortunately, Amendment 2 passed in Florida. It seems that most of the LGBT community has accepted this by using an avoidance approach.
The Bargaining Approach
Bargaining is an age-old tradition. When a group chooses what to do on a night out, they might bargain with each other. One person would accept a certain restaurant in exchange for going to her favorite bar. Unfortunately, this approach often leaves parties feeling somewhat short-changed.
The current fight for LGBT rights could be resolved with a bargaining approach. The proponents of Amendment 2 might allow for civil unions (with marriage-like rights) provided that the LGBT community gives up the fight to call it "marriage".
The Bandaid Approach
Instead of seeking to fully resolve a conflict, some people will accept a quick-fix or "bandaid". While gaining a little bit, this approach essentially avoids the true conflict. In the long run, those small gains almost never equate to an acceptable solution.
By using a Bandaid Approach, LGBT people could seek small gains in rights, such as a law that allows domestic partners eligible to make health care decisions for their partners.
The Role-Player Approach
In this Conflict Resolution approach, the opponents in a conflict are viewed solely by thier roles. For example, every Amendment 2 supporter is viewed as a homophobe. This approach ignores the fact that people can not be defined solely by one social role.
Without question, both sides of the fight for equal marriage rights have used the Role-Player Approach as a way to type-cast the opponent. In order to fully resolve the conflict, it is vital that both sides be open to trying to understand that we all are complex human beings.
Labels: What is Conflict Resolution?
Fight Fair 6 Simple Conflict Resolution Skills for Your Marriage
Dustin on October 24th, 2009
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If you are married or in a serious relationship, I bet it’s fair to say that you have had disagreements with your partner. For most of us, that’s putting it lightly. It is only natural that spouses that spend so much time together are going to have conflicts. Whenever we do fight, it is critical that we use healthy conflict resolution skills and fight fair!
Remember, when an argument arises, your goal is to resolve the issue at-hand and not to hurt your loved one. A healthy and marriage-oriented style of conflict resolution strives for two winners through compromise and understanding. If your actions are not conducive to resolving the issue at hand, then you are not fighting fair.
Of course, this is easier said than done in the heat of the moment. Fortunately, by adopting some simple rules for fair fighting, you really can allow cooler heads to prevail and resolve conflicts without causing long-term damage to your relationship.
My wife and I learned about these easy-to-remember-rules when they were presented by another (older and wiser) couple at a Pre-Cana marriage preparation course where we were instructing on a different subject. Their topic was communication, and healthy conflict resolution is a vital aspect of good communication.
Like most good advice, these rules for fighting fair are provided in the form of a great acronym: FIGHTS.
Face each other
Look into each others eyes as you discuss problems. This is particularly difficult for those who are used to guerrilla warfare – shouting some nasty comment, slamming down the phone or slamming a door – leaving no room for discussion because your partner is absent. However, two people can be in the same room and still be absent. Put down the paper or turn off the TV, and come out of hiding. You both need to participate.
Ignore distractions
Focus on resolving only the problem at hand. Avoid raising side issues.
Guard your tongue
Avoid ridiculing and name-calling. Name-calling is like swearing, and it attacks your partner’s character. Once name-calling enters the fight, your partner won’t hear anything you say, no matter how right you might be. He becomes too busy thinking about how to defend himself instead of listening to you.
Hold the history
“You always”, “why can’t you ever”, and “you never” are examples of history. And history doesn’t belong in your arguments. Bringing up history indicates to your partner that nothing will ever change and that the past has not been forgiven or forgotten.
Touch
Hold hands. This position softens the heart and makes us feel vulnerable to each other. We are more willing to be reasonable and caring than to win at all costs when we hold hands.
Stay in there
Finish the fight. Don’t go to bed with unresolved anger.
Finally, you must be open to compromise. You can walk hand-in-hand without always seeing eye-to-eye.
If you and your spouse take these rules to heart during a calm time, you can set healthy ground rules for conflict resolution that will serve you well in your marriage. When my wife and I argue and come to realize that we’re out of bounds and not following the “fighting fair guidelines”, one of us says “we’re not fighting fair” and we look at each other and laugh. Then we get back to actually working to resolve the real issue.
Labels: Fight Fair 6 Simple Conflict Resolution Skills for Your Marriage
13 Ground Rules for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
March 19, 2008 by Claudia
Conflict in any close, loving relationship is inevitable. Fighting at a level that will wake the neighbors is not. Follow these guidelines to help you truly resolve conflict, not just battle it out.
Set aside time to discuss the issue with your spouse. “Discussions” in the heat of the moment tend to escalate quickly. Ask your spouse to set aside time to discuss the issue when you and your spouse are both calm.
Look at each other. Body language speaks volumes in any conversation, but even more so in conflict resolution. Do not try to work on a project while you are talking. Sit down together and look at each other throughout the conversation.
Keep distractions at bay. If possible, talk after the kids are in bed or when you are out together without anyone else around. Vow to make your time together a priority by resisting answering the phone, watching TV, working on the computer, or anything else that diverts attention from your spouse. Give your mate and the problem at hand your full attention.
Keep the main thing the main thing. If you are supposed to be talking about how you felt when you were left alone at the party, keep the conversation focused on that. Do not bring up last year’s Christmas gift or the fact that the dog was left outside last night. Focus on the main thing and see it through to a resolution.
As you keep the main thing the main thing, also remain in the present situation. Maybe this has happened before, maybe many times before. Resist the urge to bring up all the times in the past when the same situation has occurred. Even in a court of law, only certain references to past behavior are allowed. Stay focused and stay in the present.
Focus on the issue at hand, not your spouse’s character. Attacking your spouse in a way that is belittling or critical of his or her character is not acceptable. Remember that your goal is to resolve the conflict, not annihilate your spouse in the process.
Maintain respect throughout. It is easy to be flip or uncaring if your spouse responds in an unexpected way or starts to get defensive. Resist the urge to sink to sarcasm or hurtful words when the conversation gets hard.
Resist the temptation to generalize. Avoid using such inflammatory statements as “you always” or “you never.” Chances are good that these terms do not really apply. It may seem like they do, but does your spouse “always” or “never” do what he or she is being accused of? Probably not. This is a sure sign that the conversation is declining quickly and will certainly get a rise out of your spouse.
If your spouse is attempting to tell his or her side of the story, do your best to understand his or her point of view. It is possible that you misunderstood your mate’s actions or he or she didn’t know it was a problem. Seek to understand what his or her thoughts and feelings are.
Let your spouse speak without interruption. Even if you are the one who feels wronged by your spouse, do not monopolize the conversation. Resist the urge to speak your mind then shut down. Be respectful and do not interrupt. Men especially will start to shut down verbally and emotionally if they feel disrespected by interruptions.
Take a break if the conversation gets loud or emotions are escalating. Do not drop the conversation completely, but there are times when it is best to revisit the issue at a later date when cooler heads prevail. Leave the conversation on a positive note and set a time to come back together to talk.
Remember that your perception of the situation could be wrong. Maybe you were left alone at the party while your spouse spent most of the evening talking with someone else. Could it be that this person is a business contact offering future work to your spouse or a friend in crisis who needed someone to talk to? Could it be that your mate’s actions were not a malicious attempt to hurt you even though you felt hurt?
If you seem to be at an impasse, ask yourselves, “How can we get past this?” There are some conflicts that will not be resolved completely at one sitting, and some that will never be fully agreed upon ever. Come up with a way to live together in a loving relationship even though you may not see eye to eye on this particular issue.
Labels: 13 Ground Rules for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
Conflict-Resolving : Can You Save Your Marriage?
Fighting, bickering, silence, misunderstandings, frustration, arguments, and a steadily growing distance between the two of you....does any of this sound familiar? Do you miss the way your relationship "used to be" and wish you could get it back? Conflict-resolving and better communication skills play a vital role in keeping your marriage healthy. You can, you really can, but it will take work and commitment.
All relationships face conflict at some point, and marriage is no different. It is however, a more intense arena for dealing with problems and at times, those difficulties can seem insurmountable. If your marriage has been facing a lot of conflict, and you are worried divorce is now an option, it's time to take action. It is time to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills. If you are not sure where to start, that is okay. The best resource I have seen on the market is the Secret of Marriage by Lee Baucom- trained marriage counselor of nearly 20 years. Check it out. Now let's talk.
Commitment to your Marriage is the Key to Avoiding Divorce / Conflict-Resolving Will Become a Priority
Remember your vows. Divorce was not a promise you made.
The key to saving your marriage is in being true to the commitment you made on your wedding day. I bet that 99.9% of all married couples did not take vows that said something like "I will remain married to you as long as I am happy and feel like it." That would be absurd. Rather, they committed to the marriage through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health..." So that commitment needs to be the foundation that the rest of your marriage is built upon.
Once you and your spouse can agree on this, you can then take divorce out of the conversation. It will no longer be an option because you have chosen to keep the vow you made on the day you were married. If you can do this, things will undoubtedly begin to change. Working through issues will now be easier because that option of off the table...the fear, anxiety, or power struggle will no longer factor in. Instead, you two will begin to work on the issues before you. So start here. Remember your vow to the marriage, and commit to it once again.
What Makes A Marriage Work? Commitment Focuses on Conflict-Resolving
Commitment to the promises you made on your wedding day.
Do you believe that happiness in your marriage will be based on how compatible you are with your spouse? If you do, you are not alone. So many people believe this as well, and the media portrays this as being the most important thing. For example, look at what all the Online Dating services offer: finding compatibility with another person. We have been sucked into believing that this is the magic formula, but it is not.
Compatibility should not be a deciding factor as to weather you marriage will last or not. Instead, I challenge you to consider that what counts in making a happy marriage is how you deal with incompatibility.
This one skill is sadly missing in so many marriages today.
But lets talk about the foundation of a happy couple. I believe it comes when two people are in love. However, one of the main reasons cited for divorce is that someone just isn't in love with their spouse anymore. To me, this is an indicator that keeping those loving feelings alive would be foundational to saving your marriage. Once that love has been re-ignited it is then so much easier to work through other problems such as conflict resolution.
Couples Married and In Love Keep the Feeling Alive
How can you get those loving feelings back?
If you or your spouse just don't feel "in love" which each other anymore, then it's time to work to bring back those feelings. They are foundational to your marriage staying together. You need to work hard to build those feelings up again.
The very best way to explain it is has been shared by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. He has described it in the context of each spouse having a love bank that the other spouse either deposits or withdraws from. If to much hurt has occurred and no love has been shown, the bank will be empty, and leave the relationship in a state of despair. The remedy? Show love to your spouse. Help to rebuild those feelings in them, even if you don't feel like it at first. Let me share ideas on how to do this.
Your spouse's feelings towards you are directly related to how you treat them. Your words, actions and behaviors all impact your spouse in one way or another. Learning to understand your partner's emotional needs and desires will allow you to impact them positively, thus building up those feelings of love.
Five specific things that will hurt your relationship and the love you share are:
1. Selfish Demands
2. Disrespectful Judgments
3. Angry Outburst
4. Annoying Habits
5. Dishonesty
Avoid these behaviors and watch the feeling of love grow. Once your partner begins to feel loved by you, the natural tendency will be for them to reciprocate loving gestures back, thus filling your love bank. The eventual outcome will be the feeling of "being in love" with your spouse again. Once that is established, working through all of the other marital issues, like conflict resolution will become a lot easier.
Conflict In Marriage - It's Going To Happen
But good conflict resolution skills can help.
All relationships face conflict, but how it's resolved is really what matters. It would seem, by the statistics on divorce, many couples do not have an understanding of healthy conflict management. Rather, things go on unresolved and eventually, a good marriage ends up in divorce when it didn't have to. Therefore, an important course of action to take would be to get information from an expert in the field of marriage and relationships, and learn some new skills that you can use in your marriage. One such expert is Lee Baucom and his course The Secret of Marriage .
Conflict resolution is one of the biggest challenges many couples face. And when it goes unresolved, conflict can build a wall between the two partners. This then leads to resentment, discouragement and even bigger problems than were originally there. Hence, learning to work through disagreements would be an enormous help to all relationships. I would like to offer you some easy ideas that you can implement today that may help you and your spouse. Even the smallest changes will make a difference. You've got to be willing to try it to see.
Will "The Secret of Marriage" Program help me in my Unhappy Marriage?
That is a very fair question!
Here's the interesting thing to think about; we all know people who have divorced. They are not bad people (OK, some may be unpleasant!). So divorce is not an issue just for bad people, bad communicators, etc., etc., etc. Divorce can happen to perfectly wonderful people. . . who just don't know how to stay married! They finally give up because they can't figure out a way to make it work. This program will help you to do just that.
So, is this program for you?
1. Are you struggling to stay married, worried that you may be headed for trouble?
2. Are you faced with the looming prospect of divorce?
3. Does your spouse think your marriage is hopeless. . . and you mostly agree?
4. Do you find yourself having the same issues over and over, unable to break out of the painful patterns?
5. Or are you trying to make sure you have the best information to keep your marriage on-track?
6. Or are you preparing for marriage and want to get started on the best possible footing?
7. Or are you in a committed relationship, contemplating marriage, but want to know what makes a marriage work?
If you answered "YES" to any of those, The Secret Of Marriage will be invaluable to you! With a 90% success rate, Mr. Baucom does know how to help couples. That is very good news.
Help Your Marriage - Conflict Resolution and Communication Must Be Improved
Do you remember the love that brought the two of you together that day?
Nobody ever said it would be easy, and certainly nothing prepares you for the life change that you undertake in marriage. There is no manual that comes with the marriage license that tells you how to make things work. So you blunder on, doing the best you can. But what if that's not enough? Don't be scared to ask for help.
You can save yourself the stress and emotional heartache and re-ignite the passion that you once both felt. Let The Secret of Marriage help you and your partner resolve your conflicts, and get your loving partner back. Its not going to be easy, but what this program provides you with is all the relationship advice and tools necessary to facilitate dialogue and works towards repairing the hurt of a failing marriage.
Amy Waterman, the author of "Save Your Marriage Today" has created a valuable tool that will change your marriage and change your life! See it for yourself and turn your marriage around today!
Get Some Marriage Help Today with new Communication Skills
Are you and your spouse great communicators? If you're thinking "Not even close..." take heart! Communication skills are easy to learn and to put into practice.
Here are some insights from Dr. Greg Smalley:
Good communication begins with good listening.
He outlines the four foundations of good communication:
1. Listening - By listening to your spouse, you communicate that they are a person of worth and what they say is important.
2. Understanding - You may have to paraphrase back to your spouse what you hear them saying so that you clearly understand what has been said: "What I just heard you say was%u2026"
3. Validating - Then your spouse can verify or correct until he is saying and you are hearing exactly what he means. You can affirm your spouse by understanding what is communicated and validating the communication.
4. Responding - At this point, you can decide how to respond to what your spouse has said.
This is just a brief sample of what you will learn in the Unlocking The Secrets of Marriage course, but a very effective way to make positive changes in your communication style.
Learning Conflict Resolution In Your Relationship
Since happiness is not solely based on compatibility, but largely on communication and conflict resolution, let's talk a bit about these two skills. An acronym I have been taught is to practice the REST method. Here is a guideline:
R- Review the Problem
Before you can adequately solve a problem, you must both be able to identify and agree upon what the problem is. This will take communicating with one another in a non-threatening way. An important was to facilitate this is to both agree to discuss a problem and then use "I" statements, rather than "You" statements. The goal is to find a resolution and defensiveness will hinder that from happening.
E- Evaluate the Options
This is a brainstorming session where you both share what ideas come to mind. It is not a time to be negative or critical, but a time for optimism and being open minded. Compromise is also an important component of this process. Often times, this is the step where couples get stuck. They are not sure what the options for solving these problems are. They are not sure what to do next. The Secret of Marriage is a great resource to help you see what steps you need to take to turn things around in your relationship.
S- Solve the Problem
Choose one of the options you just brainstormed and put a plan into action. This option is not the "only option" so be willing to give it a try. You can always re-evaluate and try something new. Again, if you have information from a Professional Marriage Counselor to help guide you through this process, you will see positive results in your marriage.
T- Track Progress
Set aside to sit down and talk about how the solution is working. It may be going very well, or you may see that a different option needs to be explored. The important part is that you evaluate it together as a couple to ensure that you both feel like a positive change is occurring.
Here's my favorite link:
Find the help you need. The Secret of Marriage has a 90% success rate!
The Correct Way To Argue - Good Communication Skills are a Must!
Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts. In the relationship guide The Secret of Marriage you will learn many techniques designed to teach you how to resolve conflict in a positive way.
For now, let me share the most basic ground-rules for arguments. If you can discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together you will begin seeing changes in your relationship.
1. Abuse and physical violence will not be tolerated.
If things get too hot, take a break or take a walk.
2. Avoid assigning blame.
Instead, talk about how your partner's actions made you feel.
3. Be honest.
Don't argue about one thing if something else is bothering you.
4. Don't take things personally.
When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse.
5. Focus on resolving the issue--not winning the argument.
Think negotiation, not competition.
6. If your spouse hasn't understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don't get angry. Explain yourself.
7. Stay in the present.
No bringing up hurtful events from the past.
8. No going to sleep on an argument.
9. No name-calling.
No matter what. Not for any reason. Just do not do it. Words do hurt.
10. Once an argument is resolved, forgive and forget.
Do not use it is ammunition in the next argument.
Labels: Conflict-Resolving : Can You Save Your Marriage?
How to Overcome Marriage Conflict Resolution
Even though you may love each other a lot, there will be times when you’re not happy with each other.
If you wish to exercise proper marriage conflict resolution, you have to handle the matter in a mature and non-intrusive way.
What follows are some helpful marriage conflict resolution strategies.
For the complete article on marriage conflict resolution, check out: Marriage Conflict Resolution
Discuss conflicts rather than argue about them. You’ll find that there is a big divide between talking it through and arguing, though both may be considered somewhat a like.
In a discussion, you take steps to understand each other in order to work out common ground, although an argument usually involves yelling and personal attacks.
Try to focus on talking it out, and your relationship can become stronger as a result. Don’t point the finger.
The fact is that being honest is a very integral part in the strength of your marriage. Be brave enough to admit your mistake if you think you did something wrong.
You will inflict harm on your relationship rather than helping it flourish if you play the blame game. Space can help you tremendously.
If a discussion is starting to turn into an argument, stop it right there, and come back once each of you have allowed enough time to cool down and gather their thoughts. If you don’t do this, argue will sprout from that first discussion.
Just a reminder, that I have the full article of Marriage Conflict Resolution that you might want to Check out: Marriage Conflict Resolution
It is important to realize that when things begin to get heated, it isn’t always easy to make the right decisions. Give yourself enough space so you can calmly weight your decisions.
Don’t Go to Bed Upset
If you sleep on an issue, many times it will only make you toss and turn over the conflict. As a result, you won’t be rested, and you’ll be just as angry when you try to resume the discussion.
Concluding important discussions prior to going to bed is very important so that you both can enjoy a pleasant night’s rest.
Do Not Become Defensive
You might not be able to really listen to your partner if you get defensive, which can make things worse. Every individual has a right to express his/her views, and you should respect this right by paying full attention to your partners views and issues.
You must make sure you both act in a mature manner during conflicts and disagreements; don’t simply avoid the situation.
It’s a fine science and an art to master marriage conflict resolution, but the best couples can learn to do this. Through learning successful marriage conflict resolution skills and habits, the ease of staying open and honest grows.
Your spouse will feel understood and loved as well.
Labels: How to Overcome Marriage Conflict Resolution
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts
and Restore Love to Your Marriage
Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.
Without an effective plan of action, it's unlikely that you will achieve your objectives in life -- and that's particularly true of marital objectives. Yet, marriage is an area of our lives where effective planning is often regarded as unnecessary. Couples usually believe that they should be guided by their instincts whenever they have a conflict.
Regarding emotional needs in a marriage, most spouses believe that couples should do for each other what they "feel" like doing. If there is no interest in meeting a particular need, it should simply go unmet. The idea that a spouses should create a plan to become experts at meeting each other's most important emotional needs, whether or not there is "interest" in meeting those needs, seems to go against marital intuition.
Intuition also prevails in most couples' efforts to resolve conflicts. Instead of resolving their marital conflicts by creating and implementing a well conceived plan, they revert to their primitive instincts -- demands, disrespect and anger -- to try to resolve their conflicts. These instincts not only fail to provide them with long-term solutions, but they also destroy the feeling of love. Because couples don't know any better, they keep using demands, disrespect and anger to try to resolve their marital conflicts until their love for each other turns into hate.
The purpose of the Marriage Buildersﾮ web site is to help you to create and implement a plan to resolve your conflicts in a way that will restore and sustain your love for each other. While many of my suggestions run counter to intuition, hundreds of thousands of couples have found that they work if they are willing to create a plan using my Basic Concepts. My Basic Concepts introduce you to my perspective on marriage, and how I go about creating plans that help make marriages successful. Then, my Q&A Columns give you examples of how to use my Basic Concepts to help create plans that solve a variety of marital problems. I also offer a Forum where you can discuss your situation with others who are creating plans that resolve conflicts and restore love to their marriages. Finally, if all else fails, I provide telephone counseling to those who feel they need special help with the creation and implementation of a plan to overcome their marital problems.
Ultimately, I hope you will create a plan to resolve your conflicts and restore love to your marriage. And then, of course, I hope you follow that plan so that you will actually experience the marriage I believe all couples should have. Without such a plan and its implementation, it's unlikely that you will achieve these important objectives. Insight into your problem is an important beginning, and my Basic Concepts will help give you that insight. But without action, insight is useless.
Restoring Love versus Resolving Conflicts
Before I discuss with you some of the details of a well-conceived plan to resolve conflicts and restore your love for each other, I will focus attention on the highest priority of such a plan -- restoring love.
I know of no marriage, including my own, that is free of conflict. That's because every couple is made up of two distinctly different people, with different experiences, interests and emotional predispositions. Regardless of the compatibility a couple creates in marriage, a husband and wife will always have somewhat different perspectives, and those differences will create conflict. Conflicts over money, careers, in-laws, sex, child rearing, and a host of other common marital issues are part of the experience of being married.
Some couples feel that if they could only rid themselves of certain conflicts, they would be happy together. But I've discovered that marriages can be terrific in spite of conflicts, even when some of them are never fully resolved. The difference between couples who live in marital bliss and those who regret ever having met each other is not found in whether or not they are free of conflict -- it's found in whether or not they are in love with each other.
From my years of experience trying to save marriages, I have come to the conclusion that the goal of restoring and sustaining love in marriage is much more important than the goal of resolving conflicts. Ultimately, of course, both goals are important, but by making love my highest priority, I found myself rejecting many popular approaches to conflict resolution because they tend to sacrifice a couple's love for each other. The way I now encourage couples to resolve their conflicts is to only use procedures that will also build their love.
Most marriage counselors are so focused on conflict resolution that they forget about building a couple's love for each other. But it's easy to understand why they tend to ignore the feelings of love -- the couples they see usually want help in resolving their conflicts, not restoring their love. It's the couples themselves that usually fail to see the importance of being in love. And when the loss of love really is the issue, couples rarely believe it can be restored, at least to the level it once was. They think that if their conflicts are resolved, and they are given the freedom to create independent lifestyles, they will be able to survive their marriage. They feel that all marriages eventually lose passion, but when that happens a husband and wife can still remain married if they are "mature" enough.
If you have seen a marriage counselor, and have been disappointed with the results, it's probably because you've spent all of your time trying to resolve your marital conflicts instead of restoring your love for each other. Even if you made progress in resolving some of your conflicts, you still may have been unhappy with your marriage. I receive letters regularly from those who find that they want to divorce in spite of a peaceful relationship. Even when a husband and wife are each other's best friends, they often divorce when the passion is gone.
That's one of the most confusing aspects of popular approaches to martial therapy, and it should raise a red flag to those who use them. When the goals of conflict resolution are achieved in counseling, why does the couple often divorce anyway? There seems to be something more to marriage than just resolving conflicts successfully.
Don't get me wrong, though. I believe that conflict resolution is important in marriage, and I go to a great deal of trouble to help couples resolve their conflicts. But couples who are happily married do more than resolve their conflicts, they also preserve their feeling of love for each other. And without being in love, marriage just doesn't seem right.
When a couple asks me to help them with their marriage, unresolved conflicts usually abound. And they present their marital problems to me as a litany of failures to resolve those conflicts. But as I probe the depth of their despair, conflicts are not usually the greatest source of their hopelessness. One spouse, and sometimes both of them, tell me that it is their lost feeling of love and passion for the other that bothers them the most. They don't believe that feeling will ever return, and without that feeling, they do not want to be married to their spouse. Their greatest feeling of hopelessness is about their lost love, not their inability to resolve conflicts.
That's why I learned early in my experience as a marriage counselor that restoring the feeling of love was far more important than resolving marital conflicts. In order to be completely happy with their marriage, the couple must find the love for each other that they lost. Since the approaches to conflict resolution I was taught actually caused a loss of love, I had to reject most of the training I had received as a marriage counselor, and create an entirely new system, one that would resolve conflicts and restore love at the same time.
The core concept of my new system was the "Love Bank." It helped me show the couples I counseled how their love for each other was created and destroyed. This is how I explained this important concept to these couples:
Each of us has a Love Bank and everyone we know has a separate account. It's the way our emotions keep track of the way people treat us. When treated well by someone, and we associate that person with good feelings, love units are deposited into his or her account in our Love Bank. But when treated badly by that person, love units are withdrawn from the Love Bank. When a person's balance is high, we like that person. But if a person withdraws more love units than he or she deposits, and the balance is in the red, we dislike that person.
The feeling of love is experienced when the Love Bank balance reaches a certain threshold. When enough love units are deposited to break through that threshold (I call it the "romantic love" threshold), we are in love with whoever holds that account in our Love Bank. But when the balance falls below that threshold, the feeling of being "in love" is lost. And when the Love Bank withdrawals exceed deposits enough to break through a certain negative threshold, we hate the person holding that account.
Our emotional reactions to people -- liking and disliking, loving and hating -- are not determined by will, they are determined by Love Bank balances. And Love Bank balances are determined by the way people treat us.
Once you understand the role of the Love Bank in determining your feelings for each other in marriage, you become aware of the fact that your spouse's feelings for you are determined by how you have been treating your spouse. If you want your spouse to be in love with you, you must deposit enough love units to break through the romantic love threshold. If your spouse wants you to be in love with him or her, your spouse must deposit enough love units into your Love Bank.
Almost everything that you and your spouse do is either depositing or withdrawing love units. Since most of what you do is by habit, repeated again and again, your habits either deposit love units continually, or they withdraw them continually. That's why your habits play such a crucial role in the creation or destruction of your love for each other.
So the feeling of love can last a lifetime for a couple if they apply two lessons: 1) avoid withdrawing love units and 2) keep depositing them. It's just that simple. All it takes is maintaining Love Bank balances above the romantic love threshold.
Creating a Plan to Restore Love and Resolve Conflicts
Throughout my professional career, I have helped couples create a plan to build Love Bank balances. After helping literally thousands of couples prepare and execute these plans, I got around to writing books on the subject. That way, couples could restore their love for each other by simply following my advice in a book, rather than consulting with me personally. The books I wrote help couples create a plan that apply these two lessons that I just described to their marriages.
I wrote Love Busters to help couples with the first lesson: avoiding the withdrawal of love units by learning to identify and eliminate destructive behavior that I call "Love Busters." I wrote His Needs, Her Needs to help couples with the second lesson: depositing love units by identifying and learning the best ways to make each other happy -- meeting each others' most important emotional needs.
These two books, Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs, contain contracts, questionnaires, inventories, worksheets and other forms that couples use to create a plan of action. But they're reduced in size and often incomplete in these books because of space limitations.
In response to many requests for the full-sized forms, I compiled a workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It contains not only the forms described in my two books, but also many others that I have used to help couples with their plan to create and sustain romantic love.
I have grouped these forms into a five-step sequence that can guide your own personal plan to restore love to your marriage. They will also help you resolve conflicts, but you will learn to resolve them in a way that sustains your love.
The First Step in building romantic love is to make a commitment to do just that. Problems are not solved by chance: Chance creates problems. So if you want to keep love in your marriage, you must commit yourselves to that purpose. I designed the form, Agreement to Overcome Love Busters and Meet the Most Important Emotional Needs, to spell out very clearly what it takes to guarantee romantic love. In essence, it commits you to follow the remaining four steps.
The Second Step is to identify habits that threaten to destroy romantic love. As I explain in the first chapter of Love Busters, it's pointless to build romantic love if you persist in habits that undermine your effort. I designed the Analysis of Love Busters Questionnaire to help you identify these destructive habits. When you and your spouse have accurately completed this questionnaire, you'll know how you've been destroying romantic love.
The Third Step is to create and execute a plan that eliminates the Love Busters you identified in the second step. Chapters two through six in Love Busters introduce and describe each of the five Love Busters. They also suggest methods to help you eliminate them. Most of the forms in this section of the workbook are described in these chapters and are designed to help you overcome Love Busters systematically.
There are three forms to help you overcome each Love Buster: First there is an inventory to identify the bad habits. Then there is a form to document the strategy you've chosen to eliminate them. Finally, a worksheet helps you document progress toward your goal.
The most common Love Busters -- anger, disrespect and demands -- are the way we instinctively go about trying to resolve marital conflicts. But these approaches to problem solving are not only ineffective, they also destroy the feeling of love. In the second half of Love Busters, I show how conflicts should be resolved, by finding a solution that takes the interests and feelings of both spouses into account simultaneously. Once you learn to abandon anger, disrespect and demands, and search for solutions that take the feelings of both of you into account, you will find conflicts much easier to resolve. But even while they are unresolved, you will remain in love with each other until you find a solution.
When you've conquered Love Busters, you're ready for the Fourth Step to romantic love: Identifying the most important emotional needs.
The way to deposit the most love units is to meet the most important emotional needs. It's when these needs are met that love units cascade into the Love Bank and romantic love blossoms. The Analysis of Emotional Needs Questionnaire, found in His Needs, Her Needs, is printed in a larger, more convenient form in the workbook. It's designed to help you identify and communicate your most important emotional needs to each other.
The Fifth Step to romantic love is learning to meet the needs you identified in step four. There's a chapter in His Needs, Her Needs that describes each of the ten most common emotional needs (chapters 3-12). Methods I've used to help couples learn to meet these needs are also included in these chapters. The forms I use to help couples achieve these goals are printed in the workbook.
These forms are generally arranged in a logical sequence. First, behavior likely to meet each need is identified in an inventory. Second, a strategy to learn to meet the need is planned and documented. Third, progress toward the achievement of the goal is recorded on a worksheet.
The forms in Five Steps to Romantic Love will help you 1) make a commitment to create and sustain romantic love, 2) identify habits that destroy romantic love, 3) overcome those Love Busters, 4) identify the most important emotional needs and 5) learn to meet them. They are designed to turn insight into action. Insight is good place to begin, but it's what you do with that insight that ultimately solves your problem.
If you can complete these five steps to romantic love, you will have created and implemented your own plan to restore love to your marriage. These forms found in the workbook will help you understand what you need to do to create a fulfilling marriage. All you need is the motivation to carry out your own plan.
But if you cannot follow your own program as evidenced by your failure to complete assignments, then I suggest that you find a therapist who can help motivate you to achieve these goals you have set for yourselves. Bring the worksheets found in Five Steps to Romantic Love with you when you consult your therapist, and have him or her guide you to a successful completion.
In your effort to restore and sustain romantic love, you will discover a new way to resolve your marital conflicts. You will look for solutions that deposit love units into both of your Love Banks simultaneously. Solutions that make one of you happy at the other's expense (win-lose solutions), will not build your love, but rather will cause one spouse to lose love for the other. So you will learn to continue negotiating until you have found solutions that meet with your mutual agreement (win-win solutions). That way you both deposit love units whenever a problem is solved.
You will learn to negotiate without the Love Busters, anger, disrespect and demands. That way the process of coming to an agreement will deposit love units along with the solution itself. Sadly, many couples use Love Busters as a way to try to come to an agreement, making the agreement much more difficult and causing a loss of love every time they try to resolve a conflict.
Sustained romantic love is a litmus test of your care and protection of each other. Care is nothing more than meeting each other's important emotional needs and protection is accommodating each other's feelings in what you do each day. Your marriage will be passionate and fulfilling if both you and your spouse create and follow a plan that guarantees care and protection. It's well worth the effort.
Labels: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage
13 Ground Rules for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
March 19, 2008 by Claudia
Conflict in any close, loving relationship is inevitable. Fighting at a level that will wake the neighbors is not. Follow these guidelines to help you truly resolve conflict, not just battle it out.
Set aside time to discuss the issue with your spouse. “Discussions” in the heat of the moment tend to escalate quickly. Ask your spouse to set aside time to discuss the issue when you and your spouse are both calm.
Look at each other. Body language speaks volumes in any conversation, but even more so in conflict resolution. Do not try to work on a project while you are talking. Sit down together and look at each other throughout the conversation.
Keep distractions at bay. If possible, talk after the kids are in bed or when you are out together without anyone else around. Vow to make your time together a priority by resisting answering the phone, watching TV, working on the computer, or anything else that diverts attention from your spouse. Give your mate and the problem at hand your full attention.
Keep the main thing the main thing. If you are supposed to be talking about how you felt when you were left alone at the party, keep the conversation focused on that. Do not bring up last year’s Christmas gift or the fact that the dog was left outside last night. Focus on the main thing and see it through to a resolution.
As you keep the main thing the main thing, also remain in the present situation. Maybe this has happened before, maybe many times before. Resist the urge to bring up all the times in the past when the same situation has occurred. Even in a court of law, only certain references to past behavior are allowed. Stay focused and stay in the present.
Focus on the issue at hand, not your spouse’s character. Attacking your spouse in a way that is belittling or critical of his or her character is not acceptable. Remember that your goal is to resolve the conflict, not annihilate your spouse in the process.
Maintain respect throughout. It is easy to be flip or uncaring if your spouse responds in an unexpected way or starts to get defensive. Resist the urge to sink to sarcasm or hurtful words when the conversation gets hard.
Resist the temptation to generalize. Avoid using such inflammatory statements as “you always” or “you never.” Chances are good that these terms do not really apply. It may seem like they do, but does your spouse “always” or “never” do what he or she is being accused of? Probably not. This is a sure sign that the conversation is declining quickly and will certainly get a rise out of your spouse.
If your spouse is attempting to tell his or her side of the story, do your best to understand his or her point of view. It is possible that you misunderstood your mate’s actions or he or she didn’t know it was a problem. Seek to understand what his or her thoughts and feelings are.
Let your spouse speak without interruption. Even if you are the one who feels wronged by your spouse, do not monopolize the conversation. Resist the urge to speak your mind then shut down. Be respectful and do not interrupt. Men especially will start to shut down verbally and emotionally if they feel disrespected by interruptions.
Take a break if the conversation gets loud or emotions are escalating. Do not drop the conversation completely, but there are times when it is best to revisit the issue at a later date when cooler heads prevail. Leave the conversation on a positive note and set a time to come back together to talk.
Remember that your perception of the situation could be wrong. Maybe you were left alone at the party while your spouse spent most of the evening talking with someone else. Could it be that this person is a business contact offering future work to your spouse or a friend in crisis who needed someone to talk to? Could it be that your mate’s actions were not a malicious attempt to hurt you even though you felt hurt?
If you seem to be at an impasse, ask yourselves, “How can we get past this?” There are some conflicts that will not be resolved completely at one sitting, and some that will never be fully agreed upon ever. Come up with a way to live together in a loving relationship even though you may not see eye to eye on this particular issue.
Labels: 13 Ground Rules for Resolving Conflict in Marriage
How to Resolve Conflict in Your Marriage
by Gillian Markson
14 JUL 2006 07:14 PM
The easiest answer to how to resolve conflict in your marriage is communication, but learning how to communicate effectively can be tough, so here are some tips on how to begin to do that.
First you need to figure out exactly what the conflict is. Poor communication skills, mistrust, insecurities, and lack of respect are among the common conflicts in a marriage. In marriages that have lasted for awhile, the conflict maybe something like lack of passion or boredom-maybe the feeling of being stuck. The first thing you need to agree on is that a conflict exists. If one of you is in denial, or accuses the other of over reacting or trying to "pick a fight where there is none," than there is a lack of respect in the home- because whether you agree with your spouse or not, their perceptions of the situation are valid, despite how you feel about it.
A good exercise to get started on resolving conflict is for the two of you to sit down and write out all the aspects of your marriage which you enjoy. It's always better to start out with the positive; it makes the negative seem less intense.
Then write out three areas you would improve if you could do anything to change the way the marriage is going. Write as much detail as possible, it will help to clarify ideas during the discussion. Try not to blame or provoke, it won't help the situation and is childish. I find it very helpful to have these notes when we go into a discussion about conflict in our marriage, as I tend to forget the points I want to make after the discussion has started. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to articulate!
If your marriage has severe conflict you may want to seek out some type of mediator for your discussion. It could be a conflict resolution specialist, your clergyman, or even a mutual friend whom you both feel comfortable with.
If you're catching the conflict early, you probably won't need a mediator. If your communication has been fairly good during your marriage, you've most likely avoided letting the conflict escalate unchecked to the point where professional intervention is necessary, but if you have, be honest with each other about needing help. Ignoring the elephant in the room leads to resentment and distrust, two killers for today's marriages. Next, using your lists, discuss the situation by really listening to each other. Look into your spouses eyes as they speak, and pay attention to what they are saying. Practice drawing out as much detail and examples as possible, so that the two of you can get a clear picture of how each of you perceives the situation.
Become solution oriented. You can discuss the situation until the cows come home and not get anywhere, which is typically what happens without a concrete plan to resolve the conflicts that both of you are willing to try. Keep your focus on what the two of you can do to resolve the conflict, and if you can be open minded, the answers will come. Remember that above all, you love each other.
Labels: How to Resolve Conflict in Your Marriage
