People and Things We Bring Into a Relationship

People and Things We Bring Into a Relationship: A Response to the Call


I have been reading WildChild's blog post about this, and realized that I have brought a lot of baggage into my past relationships, especially this latest one, not to mention the ton of baggage that I was presented with as well.

I had been living in my past trying to live in the now. This, I believe have wrecked havoc not only to me as a person, but also to my previous BF.

I have lived a happy life while we were together, in close proximity or not, it was fulfilling, such that you couldn't ask for more. But there were times when I would just stop and feel something is wrong, or a flashback would come bedazzling in front of my eye, teasing me to drift from the reality of the present and travel and see and feel how it was before - before I had my (ex)BF in my life. Then I would feel the pain again slowly gnawing the very essence of my being.

Issues of being raped repeatedly while married, being physically abused growing up, molested as a teen, deceived by another guy, my two kids who were taken away from me, being so vulnerable and helpless - all these baggages, not to include the day-to-day stress of living alone in a foreign land, dealing with difficult students and people in general - these are but some of the baggage I have dragged along with me when I was in this once loving relationship a couple of months ago.

I have seen this relationship slowly spiral into its pit, getting buried with my partner's resentment as well as mine, of fear, of guilt and shame and of some other factors unnamed and unsaid.

He, too, had so much baggage he dragged alongside him and presented to me. Not as a gift, but both of us presented these as a curse, a curse that signaled our doom as a couple.

At first we thought we would be able to master it, we did at first, but until when? Well, it paid it's toll, it ran it's course - now it's over.

I am yet to have another baggage to tag along. I want to lay it aside and start anew. I wouldn't be able to totally unload these baggage for sure, but my goal now is to make this burden lighter, and make sure not to carry it with me once I get into a relationship.

For now, I need a friend. I had lost my two best friends in this course: my BF, and my girl friend (she got married). I am happy for both of them amidst the pain of their loss. I know it is not permanent, but I am only feeling what I have to feel right now.

This time is set for me to realize how much I am missing for myself - on my own. This time is set for me to contemplate about these baggage that I kept tagging along, which need to be dealt with now, whilst I would be miserable and would therefore turn yet another relationship unfulfilling.

I have seen how much it affected my (then) BF. It made him so concerned; gave him that unnecessary guilt and self-doubt, and so it did to me, too.

I hope to be able to set this tendency aside and get it out of my system. For no matter how wonderful the person I am with, I or he will not be happy, if baggage are kept dangling in a relationship. A clean slate, a clean soul, a clean heart and a sound mind - these are precious things I need to work on.

Labels: People and Things We Bring Into a Relationship

posted by Robert Heard at 6:12 AM