When my parents were in the middle of their divorce

When my parents were in the middle of their divorce, I was left in the care of my uncle. From age 6 - 12, I was molested by my uncle. He made me do all of these really strange things that I never understood. He used to make me watch porn with him while he pressed himself against me, his hand in my pants. He bathed me in the shower, "teaching me how to be a woman" while shaving off my public hair when it started to come in. He told me that everything he did was for me. Like, when he rubbed lotion all over and in me --- that was somehow "good for me." He used to stick objects like Q-tips inside me telling me that women have to clean themselves.
As a trade off, I was "safe" from my fighting parents, and he offered me a very twisted love and acceptance.
He eventually broke things off with me when he found a girlfriend. I felt devastated and didn't know how I'd survive without him. At this point, he was who I had identified my family as. I began to get depressed and act out. In school education classes on sexual abuse made me uncomfortable, and I began to understand things a little clearer.
I had been in various forms of therapy since I was 10. I told my therapist about the abuse when I was 13.
My dad said he always thought that my mom's brother was sick and that he had a feeling that the abuse had been going on. My mom had a hard time believing me and my grandparents (their son) believed me, but still kept on seeing my uncle. My mother still insists that her sacrifice of never seeing her brother again (her decision, I never asked her to) is a lot harder for her than anything the abuse has / will do to me.

Around 15 when I started really developing, I got more depressed and became anorexic. I guess I felt the need to always be a little girl. I kept my breasts at bay for a couple of years. I lost my period. Also during this time, I began "dating." I put that in quotes, because I would have a relationship with a guy, but never allowing them to make a sexual advancement.
At 16 I became compulsive and then shut down about masturbation, linking it back to my uncle around 16. Shortly after, I shut sexually down and put on a lot of weight, no longer caring about my image.
I wore my dad's clothes, glasses, and let my hair turn into dread locks. I guess I had no self esteem. I became bulimic for a short period of time.
At 18, I feel that my life took a turn for the better when I gained some self confidence when I learned how to blow glass. I came under the wing of a great friend and mentor who I am still in contact with.

I am now 20.
Through various fortunate events, I have come a long way.
I still don't have it all figured out, but I am keeping tabs on myself. I have recently redeveloped my bulimia, but I am working on that ... as soon as I tell my therapist. I still allow men to touch me even if I don't want them to. When a guy friend made an advance on me, I felt trapped and just decided to let him have his way. I like to think of it as an extra workout for the day, although I know that that thinking is ridiculous and unfair to myself. I still have trouble keeping my mind and body connected even when I am in a loving and mutual relationship.
But I am reclaiming my body again. I have began to get rekindle my love of body building and doing some life drawing. For me, life drawing was a way to reclaim my own body through drawing. I found it really healing.
by Pamelaon 23 Mar 2005

Labels: When my parents were in the middle of their divorce

posted by Robert Heard at 5:27 AM