Relationships/commitment

HOME::Relationships/Commitment

Relationship Success - The ABCs of Successful Relationships
By Michelle Vasquez

Appreciation & Acceptance: Many people need appreciation more than their need love. Accepting your partner and letting go of the need to fix him/her is a sign of maturity and will help you live a more peaceful life.

Benevolence: See your partner with loving eyes. Remember daily why you chose to be together.

Commitment: Without commitment, you don't have a relationship. Commitment is the glue that holds the relationship together. When you're committed, you're saying, "I'll do whatever it takes to make my relationship work."

Dropping Defenses: When you defend yourself, you are looking at your partner as if s/he were your enemy. Seek first to understand instead of raising your shields.

Encouragement: Invest in your relationship by being generous with your words of encouragement.

Forgiveness: We all make mistakes. Choose to be the first to forgive and you'll find that you're forgiven quickly when you mess up.

Gratitude: Choose to find reasons to be grateful for your relationship. Start a Gratitude Journal and list three things you're grateful for every day. You'll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Honesty: Brutal honesty and "constructive criticism" have no place in a successful relationship. Tactfully expressing your thoughts and feelings creates a safe place for your relationship to grow. This is the kind of honesty that nourishes relationships.

Interdependence: This is a balance between the extremes of codependency and extreme independence. People in successful relationships know they can depend on each other while still having the freedom to learn and grow in their own interests. They are secure with themselves and in their relationship.

Joy: Express your excitement to each other when you have successes. Find reasons to be joyful. Watch silly comedies if you can't find a reason to laugh. Laughter is a crucial element in successful relationships.

Kindness: Practice random acts of kindness in your relationship. Think "simple and small." It will be noticed and appreciated.

Loyalty: Be respectful of your partner's privacy. If you speak about your partner to others, make sure you say kind things about her/him. Remember that if you gain sympathy from friends and family by telling them how bad your partner is, they may also resent your partner (and you) when you resolve the conflict. Talk to a professional instead, be it a relationship coach, a marriage counselor, a pastor or a priest.

Maturity: Maturity means you can choose whether to engage in an argument. You can step back and assess a situation without jumping to conclusions. You're ready to listen to your partner. You avoid mind-reading, and instead you seek to understand.

Negotiating Differences: When you have the inevitable conflicts, you look for solutions and stay away from blame. Blame makes you the victim and keeps you from taking responsibility. It stunts your personal growth.

Open to New Ideas: You choose to live an Aware Life, on a path of growth. You realize that your relationship needs nurturing to grow.

Paying Attention: You'll know your partner's likes and dislikes if you simply pay attention. Be aware of your partner's successes and failures. Share in the joy and be attentive to the pain.

Quiet Time Together: Quality time together doesn't always mean "talk time." Watch a movie, read a book, or simply be in the same room together. These are simple ways to spend quiet time together.

Respect: The old adage "give respect to get respect" is so important in your relationship. If you belittle and criticize your partner, and then complain that s/he doesn't respect you, you're expecting your partner to change first. That rarely works. What else can you do?

Strong Support System: You need support to keep your relationship viable. If it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a whole village to help a relationship thrive. Surround yourself with people who want your relationship to succeed.

Trust: Decide to give your partner your trust. In return be trustworthy.

Unselfish Attitude: When relationships go sour, somebody got selfish. Examine your behavior. Do you always want things your way? Do you think of yourself first?

Volunteering: Unless your relationship began with a shotgun (shotgun wedding), you volunteered to be here. Nobody forced you to be in this relationship. When you volunteer to do something, you commit to being there and doing what it takes to get the job done.

Warmth: Too many times when people argue, they punish each other with cold, silent withdrawal. Keep in mind that you can take time apart to think over your differences without resorting to a week of silent treatment. Create a new strategy for conflict: agree to take a break to cool off and work on finding a solution.

Xenial Attitude: The word xenial relates to being kind to strangers. If you treat your partner the way you would treat a stranger, with politeness and courtesy, you will avoid the trap of that old Mills Brothers song, "You always hurt the one you love, the one you shouldn't hurt at all."

Yielding: This doesn't mean you just have to "just take it" when you're in a conflict. The ability to yield demands a high level of maturity and self-confidence. You can stop a fight by simply yielding. It doesn't mean you think you're wrong; it can mean you would rather "win" the relationship than win the argument.

Zeal & Zest: Be passionate about your relationship. Celebrate your successes together. Take time to remember why you fell in love with each other.

posted by Robert Heard at 9:34 AM