What Makes A Good Marriage

What Makes A Good Marriage

There are good marriages.

We list below some behaviors that seem to be part of successful marriages. We present this list as an inspiration, not a cookbook recipe.

Let the marriage be a safe haven for expressing hopes and fears, and anger. Never betray your spouse emotionally.
Risk being ridiculed and rejected by your spouse. Risk letting your partner see who you really are.
Take responsibility for your own mental well being. Don't blame the other party if you feel worthless.
Share your feelings: "I feel hurt when..." "I am afraid when..." "I think you are saying I'm worthless when you say... "
Be ready to talk. Silence can be worse than anger. Of course, there are also times to contain oneself as well.
Be ready to listen.
Learn how to argue.
Allow your spouse to be a different person from you, with different attitudes and some different values.
Be ready to sacrifice some of your own personal pleasures and desires for the good of the marriage.
Accept that there are differences between the sexes and try to understand them.
Be willing to accept that some things you don't like about your partner will never change.
Respect each other (or, at least, find things to respect in each other).
Recognize that there will be stressful times, and rise to the challenge of managing those times. Understand your needs and your partner's needs. Understand the marriage's needs. Then negotiate compromises that take care of both of you and the marriage.
Be ready to think with an open mind about yourself, your spouse, and your relationship. Try hard to understand what drives you. Work toward a shared understanding of these things.
Develop a shared understanding of each other's families (and prior marriages), and how they shaped you.
Develop agreed (and limited) roles for parents and other family members.
Accept the changes that come with children, including loss of sleep, loss of privacy, and loss of time for each other. Men, try not to let your jealousy over the mother's bond with the baby, and your wife's apparent rejection of you, get the better of you. It will pass (after many months).
Despite children and work, save a little time for each other each week.
Be flexible. You may have to change your opinions or your lifestyle in response to changing needs of your spouse, or to changes in the world around you.
Be honest. Be delicate and diplomatic and sensitive, but also be direct and honest as often as possible.
Be physically affectionate. Hug and touch.
Be faithful. An affair, especially a continuing one, can undermine the openness that is essential for a good marriage.
Be willing to forgive.
Share fun, interests, and friends.
Have a lively sense of humor.
Nurture and support each other.
Care for each other and for the marriage.

posted by Robert Heard at 2:05 PM